Co-parenting and nasty texts

15 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Aug 16 - 3PM
Amy
Amy's picture

Co-parenting and nasty texts

I have been reading some of the posts by those on the board who share child(ren) with their ExN. It seems that the N's frequently send nasty or disparaging texts to the mom's.

I am wondering if it is possible for those of you co-parenting to block their texts. I would not think that it would violate any sort of agreement. In fact, if the N's want to talk about their children, they should be willing to call - whether it is about something the child did or some sort of weekend arrangement.

Texts are an easy way to throw a hand-grenade into your day, and I believe that is why the N's do so. They are short and, regardless if you want to read them or not, you end up reading them. It is a lot easier to hang up the phone when they say nasty stuff. It is as simple as "If this isn't about little Johnny, this is not a discussion I will have with you." Then hang up. Or turn off the phone. They KNOW you will read a text because it is quick and easy. My ex-husband (not a narcissist but just a jackass in general) would get enraged and send nasty texts. He would scream at me on the phone and I just used that same phrase "I am not having this discussion with you" and simply hang up. So he resorted to texting. Had I been able to just block the texts back then I would have loved it!

I have Verizon and I can block texts, calls or both for each number I designate. I chose to block both for my exN - we don't have kids together. It has been soooo good for me!

Though I don't deal with the co-parenting issue, I am wondering if that would help some people on the board????? I am not aware of any law or custody agreement that says you have to take texts from the other parent.

Aug 18 - 1AM
thisisnotfun
thisisnotfun's picture

I finally..

just blocked my ex from texting/calling me!! i didn't do cause he was saying to bad of nasty things...but i am still not healthy to read them when they do start being that way. its a 90 day block..and for now i need to just really not think about it and have him bring me down anymore! if he really wants to talk to me..he will find a way..but for now..im done with his texts and all the negative things he has to say...my ? is...does he know that i blocked him? like what does he say when he tries to text me...i don't want him thinking i lowered down to his level though by doing this
Aug 18 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
Amy
Amy's picture

YAY!!!!!

I am sooooo happy for you! It will get so much easier with time! And - who CARES what he thinks. All you did was protect yourself. :) It WILL freak him out and he may try to get to you another way. DO NOT respond to any other methods of communication either. YOU have control now, not him!
Aug 17 - 3AM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

On the contrary, I think

On the contrary, I think that ALL these texts should be SAVED, printed and stored for being given to a lawyer and going to the courts. Coparenting means that you work together for the children well being. The wekll being of the children STARTS with at least a civilized relationship between the parents. If the parents are not mature enough to reach this point, what they can possibly accomplish with the education of the children? I am a Primary school teacher and I have often kicked out parents who were not able to stay civilized during the conversation regarding their children. I told them to come back when they were enough grown up to postpone their needs and put their children first. No judge can say that a a parent who threats and insults all the time the other parent is a good parent. Use these texts to get more rights and more peace for you and your children. Stalking, harassment, mental abuse, parental alienation are NOT LEGAL. Stand for your rights!
Aug 17 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
Amy
Amy's picture

Good points

How do you even print a text though???? The problem here is you CANNOT force an N or P to behave. The best thing to do is not feed their drama. I feel like if you can't see/read the messages, you don't have to deal with the stress of receiving them. You'd be surprised at what parents get away with in Texas! If a husband is abusive to his wife (physically OR emotionally) it does not take away his parental rights! However - good for you on kicking the parents out when they argue in front of you! That must be incredibly frustrating!
Aug 17 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

You can keep the texts in

You can keep the texts in the memory of the phone and show them to the lawyer. Any kind of abuse must be fought, this is something we have to learn. You cannot insult someone continuously. Simply, you cannot. There are legal means to defend your self. And we have the moral duty to use them. If it will affect the custody or not, it will be the judge to decide it. But harassing and insulting MUST NOT BE TOLERATED. We use an ancient Latin proverb here in Italy. It says : si vis pacem, para bellum. It means: if you want peace, be prepared for the war. And believe me, the Romans knew what they said. With a N, there is always a possibility of fight. It is better to keep the texts anyway. WE must be smart enough of not writing anything at all, because it could be used against us,, but if they are so stupid to write, then keep every little evidence. Start documenting. Write down everything with dates and details. One day it could be useful. Maybe yes maybe not. But....si vis pacem, para bellum. I see continuously parents using the children for getting their personal revenges. I am sorry. I know how it hurts. I am still hurting. I hurt a damned lot. But children must stay outside. The children force us to : gain back our mental stability ( the N MUST NOT be able to take them away because we were so stupid to get so depressed to become useless parents) and force us to become strong and reliable adults. People able to fight back the Ns. I do not know the laws in Texas but the common sense, on which law is always based ( hopefully) is the same anywhere. And it must be used.
Aug 17 - 11AM (Reply to #10)
M
M's picture

"si vis pacem, para

"si vis pacem, para bellum" So true! I am keeping this as my mantra. I have to share custody with xN. I fought hard to be my daughter's primary custodial parent. He texts, leaves messages. I do read them. But if I do choose to respond, I send him an email. Strictly business-like in reference to our daughter. He hates that. And he sends mean, abusive e-mail responses. But I have documentation. I try do arrange things so that we are rarely in the same spot. I plan to go early to meet my daughter's new teacher and explain the situation. My line is "During the marriage, and especially now after the divorce, I cannot predict his mood or behavior when we are in proximity. I would prefer that we keep things separate." She'll just have to schedule 2 parent conferences for us.
Aug 17 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
Amy
Amy's picture

I think

What you are doing is healthy for you and your daughter! In a perfect world, we could make them all act in the best interests of the kids. Sadly, they seem to use the connection through the children as a means to inflict more pain and drama. That was why I suggested blocking texts....
Aug 17 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
M
M's picture

example

My daughter gets off the phone with him. She tells me he is coming early because of the field trip time. So, I sent him this e-mail: "If you want to change the time you come to pick up C, you need to e-mail me rather than use her as a messanger." His response: "So not the case. You are being ridiculous. Perhaps if you picked up the phone and actually talked with me, then minor issues would not have to be told to C. Camp's calendar says "by 8:45", so I will be by 8:35. Two weeks ago you threatened to take her to Camp should I not arrive by 8:35 for the same 8:45 arrival... "you reap what you sow", I guess. I replied: "Just confirm though email. Very simple. Refrain from using Camille as a conduit." His response: "Perhaps if her mother had respect enough for her dual-parent role to speak to her father, C would be better off, I agree." That last comment made no sense to me.
Aug 17 - 12AM
sweetsamm
sweetsamm's picture

what a great idea! i'm gonna

what a great idea! i'm gonna look into it tomorrow....i haven't answered one in 4days,and that's big for me...but,you still have to think about those nasty words..i have tmobile,gonna check it out tomorrow:)
Aug 17 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Amy
Amy's picture

I know...

I ALWAYS read texts because they only take a second to read. Mariline had a good point though - if you are going through a divorce or custody battle, you may want to save the texts. If not, I would just try to block them and let it go.
Aug 17 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
Used
Used's picture

texts

this is what i done, to keep all his texts for future. i bought my self another mobile gave the number to everyone but him, didnt tell him he was the only one on the other mobile, so when it rang i used to always know it was him and let it just ring[his trick] or turn it off for days, he doesnt know to this day. yep ,it was devious but i had a good teacher in [my exh thanks luv lol]. so i kept his texts safe till the time was right, as mynmother used to say, to set a spratt is to catch a macrel. meaning in fishing terms, you use a maggot to catch a fish. he used to scream why do you keep turning your mobile off, i said cos i "can" well i had a secondary supply, didnt i with my new mobile, lol.
Aug 17 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
Amy
Amy's picture

x

x
Aug 17 - 1AM (Reply to #2)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

no luck with T Mobile last

no luck with T Mobile last time I checked. But if so, please let me know. I was trying to block the number didn't ask about text. that would be great. Really don't want to change my number AGAIN. almostlydia

almostlydia

Aug 17 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
Amy
Amy's picture

T-mobile

I just checked their website. I am surprised that they have text-blocking, but NOT blocking specific numbers. That's kinda dumb - given that people may feel harassed or actually have restraining orders and such. I'd personally call customer service. Verizon didn't have that option a year ago, but I call and they were able to put a 90 day block on for me. The other option is to stop all text messages - if you can live with that.