Co Dependency a camera that focuses on you - Are you camera shy

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#1 Mar 23 - 2AM
ImStrong
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Co Dependency a camera that focuses on you - Are you camera shy

What I find remarkably funny is that we get pages and pages of narcissim thrown on our lap and we aprove it claim our partners it and move on..

We get the same amountof pages of co dependency now thrown on our lap ..we then say no its to heavy..too much to be me..i feel hurt and accused..your blaiming I the victim..

Sounds a little unfair when you, look at it like that ladies..

Were all a go for the reasons definition even forums and threads of narcissisism..but when the finger is now point at us ..we flat line...

Why?

Is it because some of the traits dont fit you to a T..did they forget to add your social security number or something...

Is it because its too harsh of a wording..too defined..too co dependent..

Is it becausd they say we lacked empathy at one point of our life..we didnt like ourselves at one point of our lives..we would do anything for people at one point in ourlives..etc. Etc

The big picture is tgat it was in one point of our lives.. And how are we so sure we are not any of those things in any definition of co dependrnt defines..

How do we know we wasnt abused by a abuser before our current abuser..that may have caused our co dependency..i.e mother..dad..brother..ucle..teacher etc

How are we so sure thst it blaims us..

You see I beleive co dependency blaims the abusers..may that be the abusers before the nv src..mom.. dad..it really portrays the after effect of wgat the originsl abuser gas done..

Now I beleive many of.us entered a toxic relationship..toxic ourselves..a lot may say they had a notmval life..but define normal

Even if a shrink define never labeled you co dependendent ..did he or she say you had low self esteem..woukd do anything for people..did they say basically your co dependent in so many other words...

Theres nothing I see wrong with growing and developing out of co dependency..entirily and growng out of being narcissism victims..

I dont know about you but I lke the camera..

Mar 23 - 3AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Rock On My Sister!!!

Absolutely. I truly buy into to the root of these relationships is core woundedness and toxic shame. I had a "normal" life and I would say a "normal" upbringing for my generation but my parents had and I dont know how to describe this but Ill call it "shameful" parental style in that they worried about keeping up appearances and it was sick of it do the right thing or else .... and if you are doing the right thing you are good and if you are doing the wrong thing you are bad approach but I dont believe they consciously abused me. In fact I dont think they really "abused" me at all. Anyway that a long story. It is odd to me how this word illicits this shameful feeling. It doesnt for me in the least There was a thread on here months ago about low self esteem and it was suggested I might have low self esteem. OMG I got upset about. What I realized, in my outward appearance people would say I dont have low self esteem at all but on the inside I did. I did! and that thread struck a nerve. Yep it did and it was because deep down inside I knew and I felt I was being exposed. Both Narcs and codpendents fear intamacy on some level. In-to-me-see. Narcs dont want to be exposed and neither do Co-dependents. I still say if it walks like a duck quacks like a duck. If you look in the mirror and your lookin like a duck then you are a damn duck! Not everyone is codependent. There are people on here that speed thru recovery and then there are some like me LOL. But the fact is I was dependent on him. He was dependent on me (it doesnt have to me any warm body will do) that makes me co-dependent. There are some that find out Narc are Narcs and yes they are in gut wrenching pain but they grasp the idea know what needs to be done. There is a reason why some of us suffer severe "withdrawl" symptoms others not so much. I am strong "Camera Shy" brilliant
Mar 23 - 4AM (Reply to #18)
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

Im happy and thrilled you

Im happy and thrilled you like the camers shy and I love your "In-to-me-see " is brillliant..i soo get it..and I am all for understanding how co dependent I am..but I dont just stop there..imy next move is to improve how co dependent I am..i beleive thats where the other ladies do not get..yes they claim victims are co dep..but we dont habe to sit here and fuss about it..it can be fixed

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

Mar 23 - 4AM (Reply to #19)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Exactly! or you are sitting

Exactly! or you are sitting duck for the next go around. All I know is since I got to the root of this alot of my anxiety had died. I think alot of the anxiety in me was the not know why I have behaved the way I have behaved. I am not just codependent with the Narc is surfaces at work too! but not in every aspect of my but I would say alot of it.
Mar 23 - 3AM (Reply to #17)
Steph
Steph's picture

But what about those of us

But what about those of us that DIDN"T have a low self esteem. I mean, I don't deny I have childhood issues. Who doesn't though? But with my last relationshiop, I honestly thought, in the beginning that he had his shit together, that he wasn't abusive. I thought, again, in the beginning, that he was respectful, and honest and all that ......if I was a "codependent"...why was I attracted to him the first place....if I thought he was "normal". I mean, shouldn;t I have ran then from someone that seemed "normal" and sought out someone that I thought needed my "help" or to be "fixed"? Isn't that what codependents want? I'm curious.....
Mar 23 - 3AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

AND I'm Strong

Now I'ma pull your coat...note your title: Co Dependency a camera that focuses on you - Are you camera shy What does this imply? Sounds to me that if I don't accept your point of view...I'm afraid to look at myself? And how have you arrived at such a conclusion? Based on what can such a broad statement be made? Where is the flip side? It might work for you...but hypothetically make me someone else on the board...do you know me that well to make such a statement? Maybe at this point *hypothetically* going through this shock and trauma I don't even know myself that well anymore...I'm trying to find me... That's where I'm going with all of this...
Mar 23 - 2AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Altruism

One way I believe *and there are many* to dissect the question re: Codependency may be to explore principals involving altruism. Does the individual give freely because they give from their heart purely and freely or are they giving with the motivation of getting. That is just one issue... I am continuing to examine this theory, and no I'm not a professional, but I am very cautious with labels simply because it takes time for people to process. Sickofit has been in the process for a time...if she feels that fits her, that is fine. If you feel it fits you, that is fine, the only ethical issue I see is the possibility of leading others into accepting something they may not be ready in the process to make a decision about with enough information. I try to give all sides of the coin which is why I invited Sickofit to continue to post her views and of course anyone else; however, I think it is the responsible thing to do to give people time to absorb and come to thier own conclusions without labeling. Asking questions, making suggestions, sharing that is fine, but there is a very fine line and one I try my best *I'm human*...to walk when it comes to telling someone what they are...and that includes telling someone what they are not...I'm not a professional, but having researched this in various settings, even from a media perspective in terms of how to sway and spin folks...I'm pretty good at what I do and sometimes I see in between things and question things because it's what I've been trained to do. Media is nothing but psychological manipulation... In fact, a few weeks back someone called me on my "absolutes" and I haven't seen them since but I appreciated it because it made me more aware of what I need to do in order to be instrumental in what I "try" to do on the boards. We all have different backgrounds and by default one size will not fit all. It has nothing to do with denial or not facing the demons...it has to do with arriving with a conclusion that works for the individual. Moreover, within the whole area of altruism, from what I've read so far...it seems that principal could be manipulated too where you could have it on one end labeled co-dependency and on the other an empath depending upon who is doing the spin. The psychology industry when you look at it is essentially practicing philosophy trying to find the solution and the answers based upon reasoning and debate and theories...it is constantly evolving...note all the historical changes to the DSM...therefore, nothing is etched in stone, a new spin is constantly evolving. http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro01/web2/Costello.html
Mar 23 - 3AM (Reply to #2)
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

That is true what works for

That is true what works for the individual..should be choose by the individual ..but with that said..why are we posting articles that clearly say why co dependency Is wrong..why arent the articles discussed in a manner of more i am not a co dependent and less "Do Not catagorize yourself as a co dependent"..it almost seems like its being choosen for the individual thst way..more like a battle than a point or a proving how negative co dependency is..isnt that a one shoe fits all when you post article in that preference this is article sfter article almost trying to prove how bad it is..its ok if you beleive your not co dependent..but to bash its meaning in a way is one size fit all..because I have no problem with the meaning at all..and I feel by engaging in that is catagorizing and one size fiting all..

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

Mar 23 - 3AM (Reply to #10)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I'm strong

Can you please show me where I specifically said "Do not label yourself co-dependent" vs. don't label yourself...which implies don't label yourself ANYTHING? *just yet?
Mar 23 - 4AM (Reply to #14)
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

To answer your question and

To answer your question and to reply to strong..i said in the "manner" ..there is important word framing you both are missing and I take that as a let down..its important to note im not attacking you both in any way..i apreciate this discussion and many faces that it bares...if this discussion to you feels like a attack than in all honesty step away from it if it helps..because I personally dont want that...but on my side I am justified and ok with expressing how co dependency can motivate me to be a better woman.

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

Mar 23 - 3AM (Reply to #12)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I think what you said is be

I think what you said is be cautious.
Mar 23 - 4AM (Reply to #13)
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

Exactly..

Exactly..

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

Mar 23 - 3AM (Reply to #11)
Steph
Steph's picture

there won't be any posts

there won't be any posts where you said that, Michlelle. You have been very diplomatic in this. You have said, several times, it's what "works for you" and nothing is "absolute". I commend you for your diplomacy.
Mar 23 - 3AM (Reply to #4)
Steph
Steph's picture

There are several other posts

There are several other posts promoting/agreeing with "codependence". And to be quite honest, that is a privelage,.... because MOST therapists, support forums etc....DO NOT entertain the idea of codependence....AT ALL.
Mar 23 - 4AM (Reply to #5)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Excuse me when did agreeing

Excuse me when did agreeing with someone turn into "promoting". Let me just say this staying strong you seems to be the only one who this is really "getting" to and thats fine maybe its because you feel so "passionate" about or possibly it could be because there is some truth in it. I mean geez people if this fits them. It either does or it doesnt period
Mar 23 - 4AM (Reply to #6)
Steph
Steph's picture

whoa!Are you honestly saying

whoa! Are you honestly saying some of your posts aren't "promoting" codependence? C'mon now. let's keep it real. Someone else has made 3 or 4 threads about codependence here....I don't think I am the only one this has "gotten" to.
Mar 23 - 4AM (Reply to #7)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yes thats what Im saying! OK

yes thats what Im saying! OK LET ME BE CLEAR EVERYONE. I AM NOT PROMOTING CODEPENDENCE. I HAVE FOUND THAT IT IS THE ROOT OF MY PROBLEM BUT IT MIGHT NOT BE THE ROOT OF YOURS. Ok so staying strong there you have it. I dont think I could be anymore clear than that.
Mar 23 - 4AM (Reply to #8)
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

Exactly and I too feel im not

Exactly and I too feel im not promoting co dependebcy..realizing I have it.. worked for me..and again may not work for you..thats our point

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

Mar 23 - 4AM (Reply to #9)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I made a post asking other

I made a post asking other members if they feel offended in anyway about my discussion of it. I mean I cant take anymore responsibility than that?
Mar 23 - 3AM (Reply to #3)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Did you read the other posts?

Did you note that sickofit and others are welcome to share their views? If they are giving the information, then is it not redundant for me to take the SAME side? Just the opposite, I do think everyone here can come to their own conclusions, which is why, I offer the counter...doesn't matter what you raise...I will offer the counter. I won't enable I want you to think...:P I surrendered to Sickofit - she has time under her belt...but for the newbies...nah, not gonna do it. http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/sci_cult/evolit/s05/web2/amnuskin.html