Close friend has re-friended the exN

12 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 26 - 12PM

LostandFound

Close friend has re-friended the exN

I am not sure what to do.

A close female friend who has been my rock throughout the whole D&D process and PTSD recovery has accepted a friend request from my exN.

She knows him and was friends with him while we were dating. She has no interest in him whatsoever and I know that as a fact but she accepted his friend request on FB just to see what was going on as she had heard he was losing his job and selling his horse.

When she told me she accepted his request I got physically ill. I told her what I was feeling including the physical reaction. Her response was that she knows what a jerk he is and he will delete her the first time they have a disagreement but right now she just sees it as a curiosity thing.

I find that in my recovery from the exN I liked knowing she had no contact with him and I had a safety "bubble" for want of a better word. I felt that my friends had no contact with him so I had no access so no temptation. I feel like that safety is gone.

I don't know what to do. I am not here to tell my friend who to be friends with. I know she will not discuss me with him as she has been on the receiving end of his tirades a number of times.

Any suggestions as whether to just let it all lie or NC the friend? We are very close and spend time together all the time.....

#2 Aug 26 - 3PM

Deidre40

I sound like a dog who won’t

I sound like a dog who won’t let go of a bone…lol But, one more thing. I reread your thread. Wait. You told your friend that you became physically ill, and she still accepted his friend request? Didn’t unfriend him? That speaks volumes to me. You know, sometimes, we have to make tough choices in life. Letting this chick go, would be one of those moments. Ok. My rant is over! :=P Know I tell you this because I truly care, and don’t want to see people go through what I did with mutual ‘friends.’ It’s just not worth it. I’d rather be alone on an island, than have phony friends of the narc’s ever ever ever again.

#3 Aug 26 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

mystwoman

I agree with Deidre. This

I agree with Deidre. This speaks leaps and bounds about how much your friend values you and your feelings. You've told your friend how you feel, and she's not respecting it. This is not what my mother terms "displaying caring behavior" toward you. A real friend would care that this is hurting you, and wouldn't keep the narc as a friend. IMO, if I know something I'm doing is hurting someone that I care about, I would make it a point to NOT hurt them anymore by just continuing blithely onward with my same hurtful behavior. I would STOP, if for no other reason that it's hurting my friend, and care about the person's feelings. In essence this woman is sending you a message. Keeping the narc as a friend on Facebook, is more important to her than the fact that she's hurting you. Let this person go. If that's all the more loyal and caring she is toward you, you don't need her in your life. She NOT being your friend. Deidre is absolutely correct. I bullheadedly kept a mutual friend for many months that absolutely INSISTED on telling me about xnh, and then telling xnh about me. He kept me upset, and in emotional upheaval for many months this way. I actually started dreading having any contact with the "mutual friend" because he was going to bring up xnh. I finally went NC because he obviously did not value my feelings and wishes. The price of keeping a "friend" that really wasn't actually being my friend was just too high. I need to recover, not remain in pain because of other people repeatedly hurting me over the narc. Think about it. Hasn't the narc ALREADY caused you enough pain? Who needs MORE pain about him? I know *I* certainly don't. Huge hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#4 Aug 26 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

LostandFound

I hear both of you

I am hearing both of you -- all of you -- I am going to talk to her tomorrow and tell her how I feel and see what she does. You are right - I would never have friended an ex of hers so I guess I would expect the same in return. I will let you know how it goes...sigh...the damage these Narcs cause reaches far and wide for far too long...

#5 Aug 26 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

Deidre40

Lost and Found—I hope that a

Lost and Found—I hope that a positive thing comes from it. To me, the only positive thing would be her unfriending him. And her telling him…’’lost and found is my friend, and therefore, I can’t be yours, after what you did to her.’’ I just cringe if she tells him…’’lost and found isn’t over you, and doesn’t want me to be your friend.’’ See. To me, this ‘friend’ should have enough sense to never have accepted the friend request. But, your comment—the damage these narcs do runs far and wide…true, but in this case. This is about your friend…and if SHE is really a friend. That really has nothing to do with the narc. I hope things go well. (and she unfriends him!)

#6 Aug 26 - 3PM

Hunter

This happened to me 20 years

This happened to me 20 years ago! Of course no FB, narc invited to lunch, he fed her a line of shit and she sided with him! I was furious, I don't speak to her till this day! I did however tell her where to go ,before I disconnected with her! I think you need to discuss this with her and feel her out! This is a narc hoovering at work! Hunter

#7 Aug 26 - 1PM

Deidre40

How ironic. I posted a thread

How ironic. I posted a thread about going NC with ‘mutual’ friends. Um, she doesn’t sound like a friend. Just being honest. If she was, she wouldn’t friend him. I try to put myself in others shoes. I wouldn’t befriend someone who tried to destroy a ‘good’ gf of mine. NO WAY. I know me, and I wouldn’t. She’s that curious about this jackass’ life? Lol He’s THAT interesting? No, he’s not. I think she also will entertain talk of you, it’s only natural you will come up in discussion, because you and she are good friends. Thus is reason for asking to friend her. There’s no reason for him to friend YOUR good friend. None. And then what. You’re gonna hear all the nonsense going on in his life from her? Bleck. You’re right, you cannot tell her who to friend. But, you can choose to not be hers. For she is not yours. That’s just how I feel. I’m sorry, but FB is so high school-ish to me. Lol I have heard far more horror stories than good stories, from people using it. I do not use it, thankfully. And stories like these, make me all the more grateful. It just seems like one more online portal I’d have to deal with, dealing with the ex. But, good luck in whatever you choose.

#8 Aug 26 - 1PM

Nemesis

LostandFound

Explain to her how imortant "no contact" is for your day to day wellbeing and for your long-term recovery and that, as far as you're concerned, no contact includes FB. Tell her that you respect her descision to accept him as a "friend" if that's what she wants but that you don't want her to tell you anything that she finds out about him through FB. I remember a similar thing happening to me. My friend was getting married and she promised me that she would not invite my narc ex, who she was still friends with, to her wedding. At a later stage I found out (from him!) that she had invited him. I spent the whole day sweating with nerves and feeling sick with my stomache in knots expecting him to suddenly walk through the door with a girl on his arm at any moment. I felt angry with my friend but forgave her on the basis that she just didn't understand the position that she had put me in. Try not to feel betrayed by her. It sounds like she has been a reliable friend who wouldn't hurt you on purpose. People who haven't been through this themselves really don't have a clue about how this kind of thing would make you feel. xxx

#9 Aug 26 - 1PM

Used

LostandFound

i think you need to be very honest with your friend and say to her it not only hurts you ,it makes you feel uncomfortable...her remark about oh i will upset him and he will defriend me...it means she is in it until he calls it a day...no way you say she wont talk to him about you,and she probley wont on purpose, but we all slip up,and to be frank ,why does she want to be friends with someone who she has heard his *tirades*, i dont like it...and i dont blame how you feel...also you will end up walking on eggshells with her about what you tell her now...cos i did...you have to tell her,that you cant understand why she wants too be friends with him...b/c you certainly dont want to hear any info or titbits about him...people never cease to amaze me...he also only asked her to be friends to PISS you off...as he will know he has and she enabled him to do....with friends like this....ask her how she would like you beign a friend of her ex...she wouldnt like it at all.

#10 Aug 26 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

Deidre40

I respectfully disagree.

I respectfully disagree. Perhaps I wouldn’t go completely NC, because that might not make sense to her, and she sounds like a ‘good’ friend to you. But…good friends don’t friend their friends’ ex bf’s who were bad to their friends. They don’t. I agree with hunter—this is your ex’s handiwork. He wants to get info from her…and also piss you off knowing she’s talking to him. Personally, you owe her no explanation…if she can’t figure out (whether she understands narcissism or not is irrelevant, friends stick together) that this man practically destroyed you, then she isn’t worth having as a friend. That’s just my opinion. I think something snapped in me during my healing. I used to not be so…cold about stuff like this. But, now? I see people for who they are, and if they are ADULTS…and call themselves my ‘friends,’ they need to be loyal to me. Period. If they choose to befriend people who have betrayed me…that is fine. They are welcome to do whatever they like. But, I am welcome to dump them as friends. They are not friends, if they don’t have your back. I’m so passionate about this…because it’s happened to me with my recent ex. I really think if you tell her your thoughts, she will repeat them back to your ex. In some way. Maybe not verbatim, but somehow…he’ll hear about it. And he will have a field day knowing you’re still talking about him. I just think why bother with all that potential future drama?? Let her friend him. I’d just not reach out, if she reaches out to you…fine. But, to me? She is not a friend. I agree with used. Unless it’s their reputation/life…they don’t care. There is no good reason for her to friend your ex. I’m sorry to be so…passionate about this, but nothing good comes from your ‘friend’ hanging out with your ex N. AND SHE SHOULD KNOW THIS WITHOUT YOU EXPLAINING IT!!!

#11 Aug 26 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

LostandFound

Agreed

Used - thank you so much. This is good advice and I will tell her how I feel. I think she just doesn't see what the issue is. Some people just don't get it I guess.

#12 Aug 26 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Used

LAF

THEY DONT CARE YOU MEAN...AS LONG IT IS SOMEONE ELSE'S PAIN AND DRAMA AND NOT THEIRS...GOODLUCK MY FRIENDXX

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