Clear eyes' story

I'm tired of berating myself and blaming myself for the last 9 years. It's time to move on and move forward. To do those things, I have to leave J behind, and all the drama he brought to my life.
It's a long story, one with many, many ups and downs. As you're all familiar with, the ups are what made me stay, the downs are what made me cry.
I met him 9 years ago. Friendship first, and then total commitment. We were both married with kids. Prior to meeting him, I believed I was happy in my marriage. I told him so many times. His answer was always the same, "Then why are you spending time with me?"
A question I asked myself a lot. I struggled and agonized in the beginning, knowing I was falling in love with him, and knowing I didn't want to hurt my husband and children. Plus, I'm a practicing Catholic.
In the end, none of those things mattered. What mattered was him, and the "perfect relationship" we had.
He told me everything you've all heard: We're soulmates, best friends, great together in every way possible. No one ever cared about him like I did; no one ever listened to him like I did. I was the best thing ever to happen to him.
We planned to be together, talked about it often -- blending our families and how great it would be. But we agreed we had to wait, until the kids were a little older.
Time went on, our relationship got stronger, and I believed I had a life of love, happiness, laughter and fulfillment waiting for me.
During those nine years, I picked up on some inconsistencies in his stories, but overlooked. When I learned, through a bit of detective work on my part, that he really didn't have cancer, the rose colored glasses started to slip off.
But, I loved him, so I rationalized, and actually made excuses for all the lies I uncovered. We talked and texted daily, saw each other during the day for lunch when we could. We fell into a comfortable groove and waited for the future. Despite all the lies he told me -- about his past, about his present, and now I realize, about our future.
After a normal and pleasant conversation, I didn't hear from him. For three months.
During those three months I did everything this forum says not to -- I texted, I called, I emailed, I begged and pleaded for some explanation, some reason why he would just shut me out. I got nothing from him. Well, he did send me a text asking me to stop texting, emailing and calling.
After about 2 months of silence, I finally gave up. Once I did that, NO CONTACT, I began to heal. I was happy again in my marriage -- I was on the real road to recovery when, bam, he called out of no where.
I couldn't read the number on my phone because of sun glare, so I answered it.
As you all know, I was back in his web. He told me he was going through a bad time, and needed to be alone. I believed him. I didn't understand it, though.
This time around, things were a little different, which is why I'm here now.
During those 3 months of the silent treatment, I also went to confession, and bared my soul to the priest. And when I told him what J had said to me one day, that "You sold your soul to the devil," the priest's eyes actually bulged out. That made an impact.
When J called, and we had a chance to talk things out, I told him he devastated me, and that I didn't think I could ever go back to the place I had been. He said he understood, and would be happy just having me back as a best friend. Then we can see where things lead...
Stupidly, I agreed, thinking I could be just his friend. I told him I didn't want to see him, that our relationship would be limited to calls and texts. He said that would be fine with him, for now.
Of course, I weakened. We had lunch a few times. But, because I went to confession, and from the strength that gave me, I refused to be in a situation where things could get physical. I realized I actually was kind of in control, where as before, he always dictated things. I think he realized I was in control, too.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, he told me another lie (one I didn't discover until just recently). But, it was that lie that indirectly led to the end. I had the nerve to question why he didn't call when he said he would (before I took what he gave and tried to ask for nothing more). He got angry. I got angry, and told him we should rethink this whole relationship. His response? "OK, take care."
That was it.
A week later I sent him an email. But instead of begging his forgiveness, I closed the deal. I took responsibility (actually, credit) for the end. I made sure to mention this: During one phone all, I was trying to explain to him how those 3 months of silence destroyed me, and what I needed to happen to get back to the kind of relationship he wanted. Always considerate of his feelings, I said, "I'm telling you this because I need you to understand where I'm coming from. Please know I'm not trying to make you feel bad." His response: "No one can ever make me feel bad about anything."
That said it all. So, in that last email I sent to him, I repeated that, said I couldn't be with someone who had no empathy, and that I hoped he finds someone who makes him happy."
He did me a huge favor when he gave me that silent treatment for three months. He allowed me to feel the pain and devastation I'd be feeling now. Now, I have no desire or need to see him, talk to him or communicate with him. I don't want revenge or closure. I don't care if he regrets his treatment of me, if he misses me or wants me back. I don't hate him. And at least, even though I know it wasn't real on his part, I experienced loving someone so strongly that it gave me immense happiness (for a time).
I feel sorry for his wife, who probably isn't as bad as he made her out to be, and my heart breaks for his kids. His sense of entitlement has made his family dysfunctional at best. His oldest doesn't talk to him, and another is headed for a path of self-destruction.
Reading through this forum, I can relate to just about every one of you. He didn't physically or verbally abuse me. His weapon was extreme emotional abuse.
Thank you all for this chance to share my story. I don't want to be so cocky as to say I'm clearly on the road to recovering from this toxic man. I can only pray that I stay strong and focused...with clear eyes.