Civil Stalking Protection Order?

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#1 Mar 11 - 5AM
WiserNow30
WiserNow30's picture

Civil Stalking Protection Order?

Ladies, I need advice. I'm wondering if I should file a civil stalking protection order. Here are the facts

-installed spyware on my cell phone and was tracking me via GPS when we were still together (this is the reason that I ended the relationship, he admitted to it in an email)
-daily facebook messages, texts, emails, begging me to block him on FB
-psychotic letter telling me that he is going to mail me a letter everyday because he is writing a book entitled "Return from Wickedness"
-voicemail telling me that i need to change my phone number because he can't leave me alone
-prior arrest outside of my residence

I have documentation of all of these things. Do any of you have experience with a civil stalking protection order? He never lived with me, we were never married, and we don't have children. He has no reason to contact me again ever.

Mar 12 - 1PM
CougarBabe7
CougarBabe7's picture

WiserNow

If you truly want him to leave you alone, I think you should go ahead & get the stalking protection order. One of my exes just would not STOP - tried to get me evicted, tried to get me fired, tried to prevent me from getting financing on a new vehicle, refused to leave my apartment when I asked him to, grabbed my arm when I tried to call the police & made me drop my phone (thankfully it didn't break). He also kept driving by my residence & would show up at the laundromat on days he knew I'd be there. I was constantly getting phone calls, texts and emails. I asked him repeatedly to leave me alone, but I guess he just didn't "get it." Finally I called the police about it and they called him to request that he stop everything. But even that didn't put an end to it. I finally got so tired of it that I filed a restraining order at court. I haven't seen or heard a thing from him since. Good luck to you! Love & Light! ♥
Mar 11 - 9PM
It'sAllAboutMeNow (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It worked for me.

Hi, I'm a new member to the site. I have been NC for almost a month now. He tried to intimidate me by having a women who claimed to be from my work call me and threaten to expose personal information about me at my workplace. I called the local police department and filed a complaint and filed one with my HR department as well just in case she really was from my work. After that I sent him an email notifying him that I had filed a complaint with the police and if he or anyone associated with him ever contacted me again, or threatened my livelihood, I would file harrassment charges. The next time he tried to contact me was a few days later and that was through the police department because he couldn't find something in his apartment. Just another lame attempt to try and intimidate me. That was a week ago but it showed me that he was afraid to contact me on his own again. I say send the formal email and if you have to, file a complaint with the police so that it is on file in case anything does happen, there is a record.
Mar 11 - 9AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

I have tons of experience

This is part of my job. Restraining orders. In my state, a substantial dating relationship, don't even have to live together, gets a RO--a domestic abuse RO. Also, the victim needs to be in fear. A violation of such an RO is a criminal offense. I am sure all states have this same RO. In my state it is free. Most states have tons of legal websites where one can learn quite a lot about simple legal devices. AN RO for instance. Or you can go to the local court house & enquire about restraining orders at the Clerk's Office. What good is a "civil" RO? No penalties if he violates it. And you have to pay for this. And I have told you before: SPYWARE?!? Any judge in my state would be OUTRAGED! This man is very controlling. If you are afraid of him, if he's done anything to bother you, will not go away when you tell him to cease & desist--go for it. But an RO is not punishment because the woman is pissed off. That's an abuse of the system which also occurs.
Mar 11 - 10AM (Reply to #10)
WiserNow30
WiserNow30's picture

Right now I'm afraid of what

Right now I'm afraid of what he can do to me mentally with his harassment. It's not helping my recovery. When he called last night at 1am, I couldn't stop shaking for an hour because I was afraid he was going to come over. He's been physically abusive once when he grabbed me and held me down, giving me a bloody nose with his elbow. Of course it was an "accident". I like the idea of notifying him via certified mail that I don't want him to contact me. I hadn't thought of the fact that he could say he wasn't aware that I didn't want to be contacted.
Mar 11 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Letter

The short & concise letter thing is a good idea. It sends a loud & clear message. Certified mail, return receipt requested. You may consider taking Michelle's two sentences to a lawyer & paying him or her 50-100 bucks to put it on the letterhead & do the certified mail thing, return receipt requested. That may scare the daylights out of him. That would have sent mine running. An RO gets messy because the defendant has a right to contest it because there is a "liberty" interest at stake. You would have to testify in fron of him. It's complicated. The letter sounds cleaner. & if he does not go away after that, then I think a judge would take notice. If a woman says NO then a man should back off. He may not have really heard NO. So the letter thing says it loud & clear.
Mar 11 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Agnes...GENIUS...

put it on the letterhead & do the certified mail thing, return receipt requested. That may scare the daylights out of him. That would have sent mine running. "Like"...BRAVO!!! You know when you get a bunch of women together to brainstorm, we can be mighty dangerous...personally I think WE should be running the world! AND NOTE TO WISER: Agnes is brilliant because when you look at it, these narcs are bullies in wussies clothing...scratch that...DRESSES! Punks bar none...PLUS they have thier image to protect...so they do thier things on the sneak...a letter from a lawyer might have him too scared to move only because his image is more important than pestering you if he has to weigh his options...
Mar 11 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

And that is why I cautioned

Because in my state...for some reason, it appears that issues are taken lightly because there are "vindictive" women who abuse the protection when in fact, their claims are false... But it seems that she has enough proof but I've seen guys walk off scott free...totally guilty while the woman is locked up in a shelter essentially homeless and in shell shock... The bureucracy I presume is what contributes to the "avoidance" of protection. I surmise in other states it is taken more seriously...but when dealing with a system that is overwhelmed...they kinda make you jump through more hoops to keep "workflow" down...
Mar 11 - 8AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I don't have experience with this..

However, if these actions leave you fearful of your life, I believe you have grounds to request protection and as evidenced by your post you have sufficient proof to request such protections...
Mar 11 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It might be prudent however

Just based on "law" but not sure, that you send a simple statement certified mail: Dear John, Please be advised that I no longer wish to communicate with you nor receive communications; therefore I am requesting that you cease and desist contact immediately. This way, if you want to claim harassment or whatever they legally call it, you can demonstrate his contact was uninvited and he had been advised and asked to cease and desist. Do not make a threat, do not answer questions...a simple statement such as above sent certifed mail so that you can prove he got it... However, the flip side which contradicts my above suggestion is that obviously, if it was a domestic violence situation, most (but look at how unaware we were)but *not all* are aware that the first mode of protection is NC...that being the case, I'd call my local precient and speak to an officer and make an inquiry...This further gets convuluded when it is abuse that was not physical...these laws do need changing...France recognizes this form of abuse and attaches high penalties via their anti-bullying laws....psychological abuse carries not only a prison term in france but a hefty penalty if proven... If they are flip about it...and sorry and angered that in this day and age they still turn a blind eye to these issues...you may then want to issue that statement as it will serve as a legal document to pursue further leaving him no room to say he was unaware that his "attention" was uninvited.
Mar 11 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

I agree with Michelle about a

I agree with Michelle about a short, direct letter to him stating that you wish no contact with him. Keep a copy of it for your own records. He will then have no doubt that you've clearly stated your request to him. I'm not sure about the restraining order side of this. You may wish to check with a lawyer or the police department about how to get one. Knowledge is power, even if you don't actually end up needing it. I was stalked and harassed several years ago by a neighbor (no romantic relationship). This lasted for almost two years, and it finally ended with my moving far enough away that the creep couldn't find me. I'll attest that it is extremely unnerving and spooky to live feeling like an ant under a magnifying glass. If you can prevent your narc from making you feel this in any way in the future, I would highly recommend doing it. In my case, I would come home from work and there would multiple messages on my answering machine (saying nothing but I could hear background noise). This was before caller ID was available, and stalking laws were a relatively new thing. I would turn on the lights in my house, and the phone would immediately start ringing. He never said a word, just sat there in silence. I changed my phone number, and he somehow found it (I suspected from a police report). He then continued calling. Because I lived rural, and owned horses, I had to go outside at some point to feed them. Whenever I did, I would see the silhouette of the neighbor standing in his windows watching me. Very late at night, my dogs would go crazy barking, and I'd look out to see him standing by my fences watching my home. I was very much afraid for my life, and knew it was only a matter of time until the kook came across my property line or I came home to find him in my house. He was getting more and more bold as time passed. I carried a gun with me everywhere. Sitting on a toilet in my own bathroom holding a 357 magnum is NOT a good quality of life. I was so completely terrified that I went for months and months without sleeping through the night. Every little creak woke me up. It was a horrible way to exist. Because of all this, I had called the police numerous times. They had been warning the guy repeatedly to stay away from me. I had called them so many times that policemen all knew me on a first name basis. This neighbor apparently already had a local police file that was about as thick as my arm for beating his wife, and other assorted females. He was a true woman hater, and the police knew he was dangerous. The only reason I can guess for why he stalked and harassed me is that I was a woman living alone, and he thought I was an easy target. The guy was a loon. I NEVER interacted with him directly. Anyhow, my point to all of this is that in one of my many conversations with the police, they told me that one of my best assets for proving a stalking case is to keep a written log of EVERYTHING that you find suspicious...EVERYTHING (and, of course, calling the police if you feel threatened or in any danger). If your trash can lid looks crooked, write it down. If your bushes look slightly rumpled, right it down. If your phone rings, right it down. The cops told me that this gives the police absolute proof, and a written document that what you are not experiencing a one-time event. It is a continuing history. In the case of your narc, possibly harassing or stalking you, I would HIGHLY recommend keeping a written log. If he continues bothering you, you have a documented case against him. If he does leave you alone in the future, you've merely wasted some paper. Most of all, your safety is the very top priority. You'll want to protect yourself any way possible. Block your narc from any contact, change your phone to a new unlisted number. Move if you feel that you're in danger in any way, or stay somewhere else until you feel safe. Notify your friends about your situation. Tell them your concerns. Do NOT talk to the narc. Ever. Don't take chances with your safety and well-being. It's always better to be safe than sorry. NC is always best wherever possible. I'm just giving my two cents worth here. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Mar 11 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
spinning
spinning's picture

this is excellent advice, myst

and I want to add that a paper trail is VERY IMPORTANT in these types of cases. I was stalked years ago by a former 'boyfriend' who also was known to police. After he carved his initials all over my brand new vehicle I called the police and they came to my office and of course we all knew what we knew (one time he slashed my tires and left his business card under my windshield wiper) but the cops said no one saw him do it so they had little to bring him in on. They could put heat on him, they could call him and ask him to come in for questioning, but if he didn't show up there was nothing they could do. We also discussed my getting a PPO (Personal Protection Order) in my state but the police warned that when you do that 'out of the blue,' it has the potential to amp up the danger level as it could spark some sort of retaliation from the perpetrator. They cautioned me to think a lot about it before moving forward. It was good advice to consider. This is just more for you to consider, Wiser. I think starting out with the certified letter, short and simple and to the point, is a good idea. But also realize that it may prompt some sort of retaliation-type action from your psycho ex. Stay safe and strong. Hugs and good vibes. YOu are doing very well. Sincerely (determined to stop) spinning

spinning

Mar 11 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Spinning triggered another thought about PPO

What you might want to do in tandem is also make a copy for a relative or a close friend and/or even copy the letter to your local police department for their "file" even if you don't go forward right away... Reason being if anything should happen, there is at least evidence of suspicion that something was brewing. I don't want you shivering in your timbers but an ounce of prevetion is a pound of cure
Mar 11 - 5AM
WiserNow30
WiserNow30's picture

I should also mention that

I should also mention that I'm on day 8 of NC.
Mar 11 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

i applaud you for NC

i applaud you for NC