Choosing Intimate Partners to repeat or not repeat/Howard Ditkoff

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#1 Mar 16 - 3AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Choosing Intimate Partners to repeat or not repeat/Howard Ditkoff

Mar 16 - 12PM
michele115 (not verified)
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Initially

The author had me...but towards the bottom when he gets into the concept of other's point of view that diving in with someone that has similar issues in order to "resolve" those issues mutually...finding someone willing to take the journey... Hmmm, I'm not sure? Like Sickofit has pointed out and we've read some there are sometimes instances where we end up with NARCS who share our core issues and that would be very dangerous territory and so I don't know how one would if they were to follow this man's advice avoid extreme toxicity and I'm not sure of the outcome. I think that we should work on our own issues as best we can, become as acutely aware of them as possible, learn about our own personal triggers and try to find someone who is healthy...check out their family really well...any signs of major dysfunction with mummie and dada, RUN!!! But otherwise do one's best to find someone stable who won't be acting out their mess simultaneously and TRIGGERING you on a daily basis. I think many problems arise when you have two people acting out their crap. In a way, it almost seems like it would be inevitable that you'd be mirroring off of eachother...I'm not feeling this suggestion too much. I also feel that telling the masses as some of the authors he's reviewed have done (that are wounded) what they want to hear is sometimes a money maker...and that is something to be aware of also. I wonder...and that is specifically why I posted this article because I thought it would raise a lot of thinking and analysis and spur an interesting discussion...and this article has highlighted several books that address several points of view. Thoughts?
Mar 16 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
gettinbetter
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There are many people with

There are many people with core wounds such as myself that are not pdi. I think it would be very dangerous territory to think you could heal your core wounds together. I don't think really that its too much of a concern in that it is highly unlikely a PDI would even agree to treatment because they simply think there is nothing wrong with them and if they did submit to treatment it would be for an ulterior motive. So I don't think the take here should be we can heal together kumbaya moment. Absolutely not! Do NOT ENGAGE in giving yourself false hope that they can be "fixed" almost all of the experts say that the engagement of therapy needs to come from within the PDI and that is an extremely rare occurence. Ps. My definition of a PDI is someone with a malignant core wound and if you are core wounded and spen enough time around the Pdi. You will soon start exhibiting traits of their pathology. Its kinda like cancer that matastisizes
Mar 16 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
gettinbetter
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There are many people with

There are many people with core wounds such as myself that are not pdi. I think it would be very dangerous territory to think you could heal your core wounds together. I don't think really that its too much of a concern in that it is highly unlikely a PDI would even agree to treatment because they simply think there is nothing wrong with them and if they did submit to treatment it would be for an ulterior motive. So I don't think the take here should be we can heal together kumbaya moment. Absolutely not! Do NOT ENGAGE in giving yourself false hope that they can be "fixed" almost all of the experts say that the engagement of therapy needs to come from within the PDI and that is an extremely rare occurence.
Mar 16 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
IncognitoBurrito
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Definitely

Agreed.
Mar 16 - 7AM
indenial
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an interesting article

I can relate to the issues discussed. We had an intense attraction and I think we both have issues from our childhood that give us a fear of abandonment. We seem to be in a power struggle. Both insecure that one would leave the other and never really trusting each other but at the same time not wanting to let go. I think aspects of my personality reminded him of his mother and he was attrated to me but hoped to change these things about me because of his own insecurities and fear of abandonment. I think that this was a pattern in his relationships prior to me too. Maybe that's why I'm struggling to let go so much because I recognise and understand the some of the phsycology of us both with things I've read. I know that his narcness comes into it somewhere thouigh I'm not sure how much. I know that some of my own personality traits are the problem too. The difference is I know mine and am actively trying to seek and work on them while he is still caught up in the power struggle and fear of abandonment. As the article says you both have to be aware in order to try and fix this. This has helped in a way cos it explains some of the dynamics in this unhealty relationship. However it hinders me in some ways cos it just makes me sad that its turned out this way and I'm already struggling to let go. I wish I could just give up. I need to. I'd like to just say no more let go and move on. I've experienced a good relationship for 16 years prior to this destructive one. Sure we had our problems but it wasn't until this experience that I realise that I had a man that I could spend the rest of my life with and we could grow together and as individuals. We did. This narc or whatever he is came into my life 2 years ago and put an end to my life as I knew it. We turned each others worlds upside down. I know when I eventually break free from the chains I will grow and flourish again. Just makes me sad.
Mar 16 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
gettinbetter
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indenial

You mention you didn't know if his narcness played into this dynamic. Absolutely it did! I guess the best way to explain it is that both of your fear of abandonment issues have manifest differently. His has manifest in a more toxic extreme form I.e. narcissism. Yours has manifest thru the dynamic with him if I am reading your post correctly. Bottom line is, I think when we get romantically involved with someone who has the same core wounds in us it makes for extreme romance and fireworks. We may not suffer from repetiton compulsion dynamic with all romantic encounters but when we get involved with someone who suffers our same core wound it comes out. For me, this explains why I have not had this dynamic in other relationships or with my husband. I think it lies in the fact that my husband simply hasn't suffered from the same core wound. I will say this, I have always tended to get bored in my relationships but I never felt bored with the Barc. Never.
Mar 16 - 3AM
michele115 (not verified)
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I have some issues with this

What's YOUR take?