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  5. Chloe, what do you mean by ultimatums are revealing??? pls explain

Chloe, what do you mean by ultimatums are revealing??? pls explain

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#1 Aug 27 - 3PM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

Chloe, what do you mean by ultimatums are revealing??? pls explain

sorry to make this a topic, but its driving me crazy, what did you mean when you said she is giving ultimatums and then said which are very revealing. Please explain.........thanks, love hearing your advice, but i get confused sometimes....please help me here im scared she will force him to do what she wants, and he is jumping through hoops to keep her, or will that fade for sure

Aug 27 - 7PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Ultimatums

After I had met the girlfriend, after the D&D, I started giving ultimatums to the ex-Psych professor as he had given to me. I would ALWAYS mention how he had hurt my feelings (albeit saying it in a cold, clinical way, NOT emotionally). He'd be saying "Can you move on?" "Why do you keep bringing it up?" and my response was "I refuse to move on and change the subject unless you apologize." Some Narcs/Psychs WANT their "nice guy" image and are willing to feign apology (to get more supply)... but the ex-P didn't. He wouldn't even give me false remorse. I told him I was sick of being blamed for EVERYTHING that went wrong in the "relationship." I told him I was tired of apologizing when he was the one hurting my feelings. He WANTED me to hate him rather than admire him... and I even withheld that. The thought of being neither despised nor admired--but being deemed a mere mortal--REALLY terrified him. And here I was, rubbing it in so it hurt. I was no longer the weepy, lovelorn student and he did NOT know what to do.
Aug 27 - 4PM
Chloe
Chloe's picture

Take your control back...

By ultimatums, I mean, that if he is pulling fast ones over her eyes and she suddenly comes to a point where she does not believe him, she may tell him how she feels (very strongly), giving ultimatums like, "If you do this...you're out of here!" I am guessing. Eventually, if the person/victim is strong enough, she/he will tell him to get lost. He doesn't know yet if she means it or not. So, he is backing down and (my term), jumping through hoops to make her think that he means what he says. I am concerned that you are so fragile over this. If you want to better yourself, you have to confront these behaviors and learn all you can. A narcissist will do anything to keep his narcissistic supply. She is only that. If she lets her guard down and shows any vulnerability, he will start discarding her too. She may decide she wants no-more. The bottom line is that he will never love you or her the way you need to be loved. Read the other people's stories here. The behaviors are all very similar.
Aug 27 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

take your control back

chloe, thank you for replying so quickly, i was so concerned by my not understanding you, i thought you meant she was giving ultimatums like you better marry me as soon as your divorce is final and if you dont, etc...or maybe i want a baby now, i dont care, ect....but i understand what you mean now, he is pulling fast ones and maybe shes catching on, and im sure shes threatning to throw him out if he doesnt cowtow to her. shes obviously not strong enough, or wants to save face, she was so destructive in getting him, she cant let anyone know he wasnt worth it. he would say and do anything to convince anyone what he is saying is true. thanks again...

Jaycee

Aug 28 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
Used
Used's picture

ultimatums

i gave ultimatums and n appeared to do it, me telling him to turn his phone off, or telling him what time i would wait until, but my point is the ow who he was haveng a relationship with couldnt, she said to me what do you mean, when i said to him, no you cant do something or i will go, she said and he accepted that of you, i said yes, why? she said he wont do any i have told him to do, she said i told him i didnt want him to be friends with you[me] anymore and he said i will do what i want and stormed out. also he bought me quite a lot, she knew about one thing, but was amazed at the others. she said all she had got was greetings cards. he denied that as well.as the wife who was treated like s..t, why wouldnt you think the gf wouldnt be treated like s..t. n used to say to me, you dont relize how much respect i treat you with. well after knowing what i know now, he did treat me with, his idea of respect, compared to how he treated his other woman. i still ask my self how he gets away with it.
Aug 27 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Chloe
Chloe's picture

Leopards don't change their spots!!!

Just remember the old saying, "Leopards don't change their spots." Narcissism is a disorder. It doesn't change or leave the person because he meets somebody different. He is who he is. Take my advice. Get your control back. This man is a robot, a mere shell of a man with no real feelings and empathy. You are not like that. He has practically taken your soul. You did not let him because you knew that this behavior is not what you want. Get yourself back together and shake this off. Heed my past advice. Take time and just read the stories here without comments. Tomorrow do it again and let yourself comment. Stay with your counseling and go weekly if you can. Get some self-help books to read also. Do NOT take his calls.
Aug 27 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

leopards dont change their spots

chloe, i do know that, but for every relationship things work differently, i was too laid back, never demanded or made ultimatums, so obviously i made his n even more extreme, where as i think this two bit whore is demanding and i know she makes ultimatums, as she did while we were still together, he would woo her until he got her under control again, then things would be fine, over and over again, with me, i never asked for anything, all i wanted was my family and for my kids to have their parents, together, unfortunately my kids saw more than i did and realized what a piece of shit their father was. too bad, i ignored it and wore my happy mask, while the kids knew the marriage was a joke, and that their father was useless and selfish. i know he will never change, but my point is, it has to be different there, since it is a different relationship with two totally different women. i am me, and she is she, so he has to tread differently, or it wouldnt make sense. i dont mean he isnt still cheating and lying and manipulating hes just doing it differently, being more careful, doting on her more, doing more things with her, then with me. he may even go as far as marrying her as not to loose her, because if he has lived with her for less than five months and has cheated the whole time, still comes here everyday, still texts me in the middle of the night and any chance he gets, then no , he is not changing he is just behaving differently, his mask is different, its much more pleasurable than it was here, i m assuming, i guess. yes, do see counselor every week, and she is amazed at how a woman like myself would want to ever know this man ever again. she says no contact, get a new job, move into an apt sell the house do whatever to get rid of him. she thinks he still pays all the bills and keeps foot in the door with me, because she believes he thinks he can come home whenever he wants, when his fun is over when the whore no longer gives him the supply he needs and he wants the comfortable supply i have given him.

Jaycee

Aug 28 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Chloe
Chloe's picture

Your counselor is 100% correct!!!

Jaycee--While you're laid back, you're not a doormat, I hope. What in your childhood has allowed you to be treated this way? You are classic co-dependent, and seem to play the role of martyr. You are "the" example to your children. You need to make a lot of changes for yourself, for them!!! Their future depends on your example. Do you want any of your children dependent on a slime like this guy for their future? Your own children think of their own father that way, do you wonder what they think of you for putting up with it? It's frustrating for a child/teenager/young adult to witness these kinds of behaviors with their parents, and it's saying that it's okay to be treated this way. There's a real psychology here. That is why you need to get into who you are. Why would you allow yourself to be treated so cruelly? You have lost your own "true self." Find her again. It's okay to be laid back, but not a doormat. It's actually pathetic. I am sure you don't want to be looked at as pathetic. Like me, you have it intellectually, now you need to work on the emotionality piece. It goes all the way back to childhood. Someone with a strong sense of self, may get hooked up with a scumbag, but once discovered, and his mask falls off, he's history. We, people like us, have hung on for so many reasons---at the risk of causing a lot of damage not only to ourselves and our own psyche, but that of our children's. So what, if he gets married again! Let him!!! When he texts at the end of the day---don't open it! Don't respond!!! If he comes over, tell him that he must call first. Tell him that you may have company and you don't want him barging in. You need to get yourself a lawyer. And like your counselor has told you---YOU MUST MOVE OUT AND MOVE ON--to get his control from out under you. Nothing you or she does will ever change him!!! Just remember that.