Children of a narcissist

My ex narc had three children when I met him. Two boys and a girl, they youngest boy was just 2 years old when we met, middle son was 4, and his daughter was 5. At the time he was going through a nasty separation with his wife whom he made out to be a crazy, narcissistic, tramp (of course). We met at a bar and hooked up about a week later, he made it clear that he didn't want a relationship and I wasn't sure how involved I wanted to get with a man 14 years older than me with 3 kids. About a week after we met he invited me to meet him a the park, I had no idea I was about to meet his kids as well. I was a little shocked that he introduced me to them so early in our "relationship." His kids were beautiful, amazing, and well behaved. I ended up getting very much involved with his little family very quickly. Often staying over with him while his kids slept in the same room. He was living in a 2 room apartment at the time that was connected to his fathers house. It was extremely confusing to me to be so involved with his life and yet not be in a relationship. For all intents and purposes I was his girlfriend without him actually have to make the commitment.

At the time his wife technically had full custody of the children but he would often have them on the weekends or days when she was too busy working. However about 5 months after we met she decided to reinstate the restraining order she had against him. The reason being that he claims that his 2 year old said that her boyfriend was molesting him. He told me that she laughed in his face when he told her and that she was a cold hearted b*tch. That she said he was just trying to manipulate her and mess with her relationship. She told me, much later, that he had called her before and told her that he was going to (falsely) accuse her boyfriend of molesting his son to mess with them. She originally filed a restraining order about a year and a half before that when he had left, taking 2 of the kids with him and physically assaulting her in the process. She had taken the kids away from him, that first time, and he didn't see them for 6 months. This time he was not able to see them for about 4 months.

Of course when all this went down he had convinced me of the injustice of it all and how terrible his kids were being treated by her and her boyfriend. So I decided to help him and together, along with his lawyer, we fought to get him custody. Eventually he was allowed visitation which led to the children being dropped from the restraining order, and then he eventually obtained half custody. Through all of this I noticed how extremely attached his daughter was to him. The boys I didn't notice as much but his daughter had extreme separation anxiety whenever she had to leave him. I moved in with him just before he gained custody so I ended up helping out a lot with the kids. I was mommy and did most of the work because he could barely be bothered with dishes, laundry, school lunches, etc.

The more comfortable he became with his custody situation the more I noticed the verbal and sometimes physical abuse towards his children. I barely noticed the emotional abuse towards me because it came so gradually seeping it that I feel like I woke up one day and felt like 'when did this happen?' The kids were always expected to do EXACTLY as he asked and got a punch to the gut or a knock on the head if they didn't. His daughter rarely ever got punished because she was extremely good at listening and always doing the right thing. His middle son was a little less careful and a lot less mindful and received quite a bit of the abuse. The verbal lashings he gave them seemed so much worse than the physical. I remember one time when their mom dropped them off at our apartment with her boyfriend he yelled at them for a good 5 minutes after they left. He was angry because the kids didn't give him a heads up that the boyfriend was at the door as well. He was saying all kinds of awful stuff like "you stupid sh*ts can't f*cking warn me that that mother f*cker is coming up to my house! I'm going to go send you to live with your mother and make sure you are never welcome in my house if you ever do that sh*t again!" It went on and on as his 3, 4, and 6 year old stood in front of him weeping and saying "sorry Papa" over and over. I actually recorded that one on video because I was so horrified (unfortunately lost the video later).

As our relationship progressed, and got much more complicated, so did the abuse. I ended up getting pregnant as well. When I found out that I was having a boy my heart sank because I knew how much worse he was going to have it than if he was a girl. As his sons got older he just increased his efforts to break their will. His middle son was very forgetful, constantly losing his lunch box or his jacket at school. For these things he was constantly being belittled and made to feel stupid. This led to him trying to lie constantly to cover his tracks, but he was not a very good liar. Lying made his dad furious, and the retaliation was sometimes whipping with a belt or choking him to scare the truth out of him. The youngest boy also liked to lie a lot for which he received similar treatment. My ex also used to say that he didn't really feel connected to his youngest son, that he could really take him or leave him. I now believe that this is because the youngest kind of had an aloof personality and wasn't as affectionate as the other two, so he didn't feed his fathers ego as much. The youngest was also very slow at everything that he did. He was very smart but not very coordinated so eating, writing, brushing his teeth, basically anything took him a long time. His father is a martial art master and extreme perfectionist so he had absolutely no patience for this poor kid. One particularly disturbing incident he actually held his son under water because he wasn't impressed by how long he could hold his breath.

The relationship with his daughter at first seems like an extremely loving and special bond. She adores her father and he showers her with compliments and buys her almost everything that she wants. He is a massage therapist and night time tuck ins are very affectionate (with all the kids) usually including story time and adjustments and massage for all the kids. The one thing that he does do to his daughter, that I always found very disturbing, is he constantly points out her belly fat. He has been doing this since I have known him, when she was 5 years old. The way she stands she kind of sticks her belly out so he tries to play it off like he is trying to correct her posture. He does encourage her to stand up straight but a lot of times he says stuff to her like, "suck that gut in." He also lets her know when she has been indulging herself too much and that she has gained weight. Tells her she needs to exercise more and restricts her diet, telling her she can't eat the same things that the boys are. Basically he builds her up but then hits her where it hurts the most, that is his way of making her worship him but keeping her in check and under his control.

When my son was born the reality of his selfishness really hit home. The whole of our relationship he had told me all these stories about how he did everything for his kids. How much he had taken care of the and changed diapers and how much of a hands on dad he was. I got next to no help from him with a newborn and I was also expected to care for the other three. A week after giving birth he resumed his regular night life and sleep all day schedule. I was the main bread winner and took care of the household as well. I went into major debt because my income was not enough to float our lifestyle. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and when my son was 7 months I got out. A few months later I finally had a chance to speak to his ex wife and get her perspective on their relationship. She told me that in reality she did all the work as well. When her middle son was three weeks old she was forced to go back to work because he wasn't working. So the care of the child did fall on him. She said he was awful at taking care of him. That he would get pissed that the baby wasn't drinking out of the bottle properly, he would spill and throw up, so he would just leave him in a swing for up to 6 hours while she was working, leaving the poor baby in the other room while he napped or played with his daughter. That absolutely horrified me but I knew there was truth to it because I know that if I hadn't been there for my son that he would have let him cry like that as well. She said that the reason she left was because he was beating the middle son with a wooden spoon (he was almost 3 years old) and she had had enough and tried to leave. She says he grabbed her by the hair and pulled her down, snatching the kids away from her and leaving himself, throwing the youngest back at the last second (he was still nursing at the time) saying that he probably wasn't his anyway.

I wondered, why would a narcissist wan't to have children? They didn't seem to fit his single, womanizing lifestyle that he often boasted about having in his 20s. I eventually realized, after soaking up as much information about NPD, that children are the perfect supply. They love unconditionally and are easily manipulated and controlled (some more than others). His daughter especially worships the very ground that he walks on. His ex wives attempts at taking the children from him only solidified the poor girls obsession with him. Unfortunately the mother has made many calculating errors with this man and has lost all custody to him. She is limited to only 2 hours of supervised visitation twice a month. His kids are now 7, 9, and 10 and are resilient but I believe severely damaged by him. I have tried contacting CPS and reporting him to all the right authorities but so far nothing has come of it. I also know that if he children are taken from him, his daughter especially will only idolize him more and hate anyone that takes them away. I think that she is the most at risk for perpetuating the narcissist cycle (I believe my exes father is also a narcissist). I know that eventually the way that he treats them will blow up in his face and they will hate him in some way or another, or worse end up with severe self deprecating habits. It is so sad for me to see now how clearly disturbed he is and abusive towards his children. When I was with him I was so brainwashed I actually thought he was a wonderful father, that the good outweighed the bad. I see now that even the good was entirely self serving. That if they failed to be a good supply for him they felt the wrath of his narcissistic rage. He even told me once that when they misbehaved he felt like they were specifically attacking him (defiance of his will) and that is why he lashed out (narcissistic rage) at them the way he did. Typical child like irrational behavior.

I am so glad that I at least got out with my son before he was old enough to get attached and be manipulated and abused by this monster. I have moved over 400 miles away from him and am trying to obtain a restraining order/full custody with no visitation. It kills me every time I think about them, the image of them weeping as I drove away from them the last time. I was all but mother to them, and mother to their brother whom they dearly loved, for the better part of 4 years. I can't say I was the perfect stepmom to them, my patience and temper were often short because my mental state was so degraded as well. However I did love them and care for them on a daily basis. I feel like they knew genuine love when they saw it and I noticed that they literally clung to anyone that showed them affection. It is so hard for me to think of them now with him and his new flavor of the month (he has had two new girlfriend since I left 4 months ago), not knowing if they can get attached to her or not. It is hard for me to let it go and not want to do everything that I can to fight and make everyone see what a monster he really is. Unfortunately I have realized that all it does is make me look crazy because he puts on such a great show of being a good father, if not just a irreverent care free being. I am starting to realize that the best revenge for me is to move on with my life. Get mentally and physically healthy again. Being successful and finding a great father for my son will piss him off more than anything. I just pray that one day, not too long from now, I will be able to talk to his kids again. I can't hold out too much hope though because who knows what they will have been told about me by then.