Childhood Damage - Do you know yours? (if any)

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Sep 29 - 5PM (Reply to #19)
tresor2
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Layla - I'm glad

that you were able to find something positive out of the N experience too. There's a part of me who is greatful for the experience and another part who still struggles with the loss. Either way, we're moving forward without experiencing N's direct abuse and I'm thankful to have survived and live to tell about it.
Sep 29 - 2AM
58 and going strong
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Yes, WWII, and a psychiatrist

Yes, WWII, and a psychiatrist in Munich figured out that we are the "grandchildren" of that PTSD . . . What made me stumble in your post was this: "For the longest I thought I was some kind of freak of nature and that I was different...the only one who understood me was my dog. As a child, I was never physically abused or molested; nothing horrible happened. I had two parents who worked hard and my mother was always there. So wasn't I supposed to be "normal?" ...not." For the longest my life was exactly the same, including the dog. And I denied - or was unable to see, whatever you want to call it - that my fathers drinking and my mothers depression had anything to do with how I lived. And when I finally was unable to deny any longer not too long ago, I could have screamed so loud that you would have heard it at the other end of the continent . . . And most of all this sentence of yours hit home: "As a child, I was never physically abused or molested; nothing horrible happened." So I thought. And then I realized, that the little boy - maybe a year or two older than I and not a lot taller, but a lot stronger, and I knew that - who had stopped me on my way home one day and forced me to follow him to where nobody could see us, had actually molested me. I must have been about 5 years old. He was from a very "bad" family. Don't get me wrong here - I do not believe that we have to dig until we find something. But meanwhile I believe that chances are that we have an unresolved issue where we make these self-assuring sounding statements. I look at it kind of the same as we learned to really hear what a N tells us. What do we tell ourselves (and others) so we can believe it???
Sep 29 - 5PM (Reply to #16)
tresor2
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58 - what happened

I'm sorry that happened to your when you were 5. I think at that age, supressing is the only way a child can cope. For years, I've pondered over my past, digging for something, trying to remember a molestation or whatever that messed me up but, to date, nothing. It's probably as simple as I explained in my post but, it's still puzzling. At this point it's about living in the present and forgiving the past; there aren't any other acceptable choices for me. Sounds like we have similar stories and I'm glad to know of someone who understands.
Sep 30 - 12AM (Reply to #17)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Yes, tresor, living in the

Yes, tresor, living in the NOW is the only way, for the NOW is all that exists. Forgive, and you shall be forgiven - it was not our fault, but our fate. Glad to have choices now! Glad to be here with you!
Sep 29 - 1AM
WakingUP (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

This is an interesting

This is an interesting subject.... Because I recently realized that I do, in fact, suffer from some childhood damage. For the most part, my parents were great, but during the years I was 7-10, I was physically abused by my mother. She was going through a stressful time in her life, and she took it out on me. It took very little to send her into a complete rage. Usually it was sparked by leaving even the smallest of messes in the house. During this time, my sister learned to be a 'people pleaser' and would behave "perfectly" so as to not become a target. My sister's coping strategy left her with a serious lifelong eating disorder - which even now, decades later, is the "elephant in the room." The message I was getting was that I was somehow seriously "inadequate." I was too messy, too disorganized, I didn't work hard enough, and I was irresponsible. And as an adult, sometimes my sister and mother will still "tease" me about how messy and disorganized I am. (I'm also very creative, and mess is ALWAYS part of the process) They gang up on me, and when I call them out on it, will tell me that I'm being too sensitive, they're "just kidding." But its clear to me, that even as an adult, I'm not like them - when the three of us are together, I usually end up feeling like the odd woman out. My point is that these feelings of inadequacy have never really been resolved. And that set me up to be vulnerable to my Narc. By working with him, it validated me. I quickly became co-dependent. I craved his affirmation, but he's a Narc, and eventually he stopped giving it. The moral of my story is that I believe that there is a silver lining to having had the Narc in my life. Its been painful, but its forced me to examine myself, and realize where my weaknesses are. Weaknesses that have been holding me back. And now that I know what they are, I'm armed with that knowledge and have the ability to DO something about it. If I had to choose between being vulnerable to a Narc, and stuffing down all my emotions my whole life with food (and forever being in denial about it) I think I'd pick the Narc again. I'm still healing, but this whole chapter of my life has actually made me stronger. So I'll be getting up from the psychiatrist's couch now, you can all send me your bill. But seriously, thank you all for listening, or rather, reading.
Sep 30 - 12AM (Reply to #14)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

WakingUp, no bill here, let's

WakingUp, no bill here, let's just stay on the couch for a while and share and have coffee!! Like your profile picture a lot!
Sep 29 - 1AM (Reply to #11)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

WakingUp - LOL Here's the Bill

It all is starting to make sense, isn't it. Glad to see that you too found it in yourself to be thankful for the Narc presence in your life. When we feel insignificant and unsafe growing up, it only makes sense that we gravitate to those who present with authority, arrogance, power, control, confidence, etc. as adults. For a moment, we can feel important, worthy and safe but, only until the mask comes off. Then our choice is to learn the lessons and do the work or repeat the pattern. Thanks for your post.
Sep 29 - 2AM (Reply to #12)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

And those who are no longer

And those who are no longer needed in our lives for us to grow do leave our lives. And if we didn't grow up, we do repeat the same pattern, and each time a little worse, until we do.
Sep 29 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

58 - yes

I think "God" brings certain people into our lives to provide lessons and the intent is not that they stay forever. They're only passing through. I wanted my N "forever" because I was in denial and numb to abuse...school is still in session.
Sep 29 - 12AM
freaked
freaked's picture

Tresor, I am taking serious

Tresor, I am taking serious note of this important message you posted: "Maybe the psycho is a gift that propeled us to do things we would have never done (like join this blog) and to motivate us to take the journey inward to deal with our issues. That's about all that is left to do." Ok, maybe now it is time for me to look at my inner monsters and stop blaming the Narc or anyone else anymore. maybe the kind of childhood family i had...for me also it was inevitable that i reach this nadir point
Sep 29 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Freaked, I think so,

you are obviously a very talented and gifted woman. We lost ourselves very early on and now is the time we get to find out who we really are. What's helped me the most in my journey are some of the spiritual books, especially those by Thich Nhat Hanh. He's a Zen Budhist and his writings are simple but the messages are so powerful. The one drawback is that this stuff cannot be applied to N's and for years, I hit my head against the wall trying to get exN to join my spiritual journey, LOL. These spiritual books rarely address pathology...
Sep 29 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
freaked
freaked's picture

Oh Tresor.. you have walked

Oh Tresor.. you have walked the same paths as I did.. I too used to read a lot of Buddhist spiritual teachings and also Tibetan teachings, but like you only now i understood that a Narc is governed by a different universe. Frankly, I am so tired and weary of this life situation..and have no foreknowledge whether I will EVER be able to LIVE MY LIFE in peace? Now I am left screaming my head off in silence, and nothings going to come of it. Narc and his parents will continue stamping me and i cannot say anything or escape...merely because they feel that just because i got free lunch due to this marriage, i must remain their eternal SLAVE. nobody balances the accounts wherein i have taken so MUCH crap, deception, disorientation, and paid with my Sanity.
Sep 29 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

You have the power, Freaked,

to change your life situation when you feel ready. I'm glad you got a free lunch out of the marriage; i'm sure you earned it. Slavery is dead and illegal; please don't allow them to keep you mentally imprisoned. Start a Civil Rights movement of your own. Part of the journey inward is looking at and understanding why you take crap and why you don't think you're worthy. It all goes back to the original wounding, as a child. The only real problems are our thinking, nothing else. We have to deprogram and reprogram. Have you read the Course In Miracles? I don't know your situation but, there is a way out and you don't have to remain their eternal slave. They are people, just like you and I, no more special than the next guy. Don't give them your power!!!
Sep 29 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
freaked
freaked's picture

Thanks a lot Tresor. I

Thanks a lot Tresor. I googled and found the Course in Miracles here http://www.thecourseinmiracles.com/ Reading now. what I have received at this forum is genuine love and understanding...for the very first and only time in my life. I hope your words come true for me, and one day very much sooner rather than later, i can walk out and live my life as a free person. i am trying small acts of defiance nowadays. very very covertly. makes me enraged that i have to do so...goes against the grain of Human Rights. However, if i become more aggressive in my defiance, these people will cut off even the food required for survival, and NOBODY would even believe or know what they are doing.
Sep 29 - 1AM (Reply to #6)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

I understand, Freaked

Sounds like a very difficult situation and nothing surprises me. Have you thought of consulting/hiring a Civil Rights lawyer or some other type of lawyer? Many of them are N's which may benefit you in this case, if they're hungry. My last N was a lawyer and he targeted me when I was vulnerable...so watch these guys. I know you can make it on your own. You are smart and the only thing that hinders you now is fear. This is normal; just keep doing what you're doing and really examine the fears.
Sep 29 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
freaked
freaked's picture

a Prayer for all of us

Tresor, I pray for Divine Blessings for each of us here. May God show us the way.
Sep 30 - 1AM (Reply to #8)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Freaked, Go(o)d has already

Freaked, Go(o)d has already led us here so we can support each other. Go(o)d is with us all the time: It is what we believe and what we are able to see and envision inside. Be safe and strong in your belief that you are worth a Go(o)d life. ---- And in case you wonder about my spelling: The words God and good and Gott and gut (=German for god and good) are all derived from the same linguistic Anglo-German origin. While we need and use language here on this board to communicate and it works well because we are honest and genuine when using it, it was language ab-used in form of lies used by non-genuine Ns to twist our minds and souls . . . And I believe for many of us here a lot started with the famous: Do what I say . . . Sometimes I wonder if all the other ones of Go(o)ds creatures are better off with 'just' body language and instincts . . .
Sep 30 - 1AM (Reply to #9)
freaked
freaked's picture

dear 58, feels good to hear

dear 58, feels good to hear from you. Thank you sweet dear friend for the nice post you made. I have to leave it all in the hands of God.