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Cheating twisted to be my fault

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#1 Jun 12 - 8AM
Future56
Future56's picture

Cheating twisted to be my fault

Good Sunday Everyone!

This just came to me this morning. During d & d, he said that he had gone into my computer and looked at my search history and found a search for "how can you tell if your husband is cheating" or something like that. (Another question just hit, why did he check out my searches in the first place?)

Well he said that this was one of his reasons, that I did not trust him, how could I do that, just totally twisted it to be my fault.

Guess what? He was cheating...think I was catching on and he needed to bolt?

As I sit here and think about this and write it down, it just boggles my mind. How the hell did I do this for over 30 years?

For years, I would bring a concern of mine or a lack of something I was not getting from him and the next thing I knew, it was twisted (and that was the word that always came to mind) and my fault.

My head is just spinning......

Jun 14 - 1AM
Journey
Journey's picture

Projection, projection,

Projection, projection, projection. I'm sorry you are spinning but it is completely understandable why you would be. I don't know how long you've been away from him, but welcome into the light that is starting to pierce the fog of narc brain washing. Once I realized that the only solid explanation for why my exN did or said anything was 'because he's a narc', so much of the confusion from the 'twisted' accusations and assumptions he'd throw at me began to be seen more clearly as being what they really were - narc projection, narc logic, narc defense, narc manipulation and simple narc speak. I can't even imagine what 30 years of this kind of confusion would feel like. Stay strong, try to see it for what it really was - every time you feel bad about something you were lead to believe was your fault, just tell yourself "he said this or did that because he's a narc" and not because of the excuses or accusations in which he blamed you for his wrong doings. I hope that helps and the spinning settles for you soon. ((hugs))

Journey on...

Jun 12 - 8PM
Steph
Steph's picture

" I would bring a concern of

" I would bring a concern of mine or a lack of something I was not getting from him and the next thing I knew, it was twisted (and that was the word that always came to mind) and my fault. " I can remember SO many times I would approach a topic regarding something thoughtless he had done.....and by the end of it I was the one crying and apologizing.....and I'd think to myself...."wtf just happened here?" and of course, would think there was something wrong with ME. and You survived this crap for 30 years!!!?? You are a strong lady to have gotten yourself out of this. Glad you are away from him:) xoxo, Steph
Jun 12 - 9AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

My narc cheated on me and

My narc cheated on me and would twist it around when I caught him it's my fault he strayed because of my insecurity.
Jun 12 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

Same here. I was insecure and

Same here. I was insecure and not chatty enough so that is why he strayed. Oh boy, did THAT create the insecurity and put the focus on ME and not the fact that he was indeed cheating.
Jun 12 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Oh yes, the same here. Xnh

Oh yes, the same here. Xnh twisted his cheating around so that it was all my fault, too. He told me that "he had no one to turn to in his loneliness and pain". Drama, drama, drama. Somehow he certainly didn't look too terribly miserable in those pictures he posted on FB of himself and OW all cuddled up on a blanket BEFORE HE D&D'd, AND AT A TIME WHEN I THOUGHT WE WERE STILL A MARRIED COUPLE. His "suffering" must have been terrible while he was screwing her. Oh, the pain!!! The pain!! lol. I, also, supposedly "drove him to online porn". Right, and I have purple monkeys flying out of my butt. Everything in our relationship was always my fault. Xnh never accepted the blame for anything. It must be nice to be as "perfect" as xnh (insert retching noises as I say this).

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Jun 12 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
Future56
Future56's picture

What I heard was "You drove

What I heard was "You drove me to seek comfort in another woman." I guess I must have the same purple monkeys you do! LOL!!!!
Jun 12 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
Future56
Future56's picture

I have heard that one too!

I have heard that one too!
Jun 12 - 8AM
LostandFound
LostandFound's picture

I am sorry

I am so sorry you are just finding this....please remember that, at least in my experience and hearing from others, that they often accuse the supply they are discarding with the exact things they themselves are doing. My exN said he hated liars and cheaters and LO AND BEHOLD that is all he did to me - over and over again until I got off that damn merry-go-round. They will transfer all of their bad behaviours to you and accuse you of them almost in a way of validating their own behaviours. By blaming you then when he is finally found out doing it they can say "Well you did it so I did it to hurt you". The twisting of reality is one of their special gifts. For me life with my exN was a funhouse of mirrors that reflected all the warped ways I saw myself as a result of his treatment of me. I found by setting my eyes on the horizon and walking away from the insanity toward the line of strength and independence kept me sane. I know this is painful for you - a hug sent out to you and I hope you have people to lean on who understand and support you.
Jun 12 - 8AM
empath
empath's picture

future56

It's NEVER "their" fault...it's ALWAYS "your" fault. They are DISORDERED and twisted. Don't twist your brain around trying to figure things out...just break from it, NC, and move forward with your life. Point your ship in the direction of normalcy and just keep sailing! When you stop trying or caring to make sense of it all, that's when it suddenly makes sense. (((hugs)))