charlie sheen

I can't remember how many times I tried to reason with the narc that we could agree to see other people and that would be fine. I must have asked him a thousand times if he wanted to see other people (because I deeply suspected he already was). "Can we just be straight and fair on this?" I would ask him. "Let's just agree to be non-exclusive, and tell the others that, too. Be fair. Be honest. That's your JOB as a judge." His answer was always the same: "There is no one else. There could never be. I LOVE YOU." So I stayed exclusive. I saw no one else. For about a year, I did not even speak to my ex-husband, who is my daughters' father. It made the narc angry and jealous. He made it clear that he wouldn't compete with another man in my life or in my children's life. So my daughters didn't see their father for almost a year. I'm not proud of this, but at the time my ex was still drinking and so I rationalized that the narc was doing what was best for my daughters. A couple of weeks ago, I remembered all of this when I found out that, the entire time he was restricting MY life, closing MY doors, limiting MY potential--he was sleeping with another woman and allowing another woman to raise his foster child. To call it a double standard doesn't do the phenomenon justice. It's so far beyond that. The narc could not have an open relationship with anyone. That is, the woman could not. It's funny, but I remember that the worst part of the relationship was trying desperately to please him, to jump through his hoops, to prove to him how devoted I was. Before I started seeing the narc, my ex-husband would bring groceries for our girls, buy them clothes, take out my garbage, fix my car, pick them up at school. I gave up that help that I needed to prove to the narc that I loved him. Meanwhile, whil I was fixing my car, taking out the garbage, picking up the kids, grocery shopping AND working two jobs and taking care of my mother and children--the narc was sleeping with another woman and being taken out to dinner and given money. And he still doesn't think there was anything wrong with it. I left him. Which in his mind PROVES he was right about me all along. I was not to be trusted. He knew i would leave him some day, just like all the others. LOL NUTS!

The exact same thing that is wrong with US :) I posted a link to the wonderful Narc Attack blog by Kathy Krajco last night "why don't victims leave their abusers?" It's very good. At the end of the blog post, on one hand she says "I am incompetent to judge why a victim stays with their abuser. I am practically incompetent to judge why I myself stayed, because I'll either be too easy on myself, or too harsh on myself" (this is my paraphrase). Even WE can go through the Hell of a relationship with an abuser and STILL not "get" why another victim stays. How much more difficult is it for other people to understand? Near damn impossible :( That said . . . me too, Jen. I think the same thing, whether I know better or not.