chameleonfooledme's Story

Hi Everyone,
I'm here to share my story that has taken the life out of me. I apologize if it get's too long.
Where do I begin? I feel like I don't even have the confidence to write. I feel like I'm in a hopeless place.

The xN and I had been in an on again off again relationship for about six years. My xN is a recovering (is he really in recovery?) drug addict/alcoholic. For the first three years I dealt with him being in his addiction. Most of the time during those three years I was a very fragile person. But I couldn’t let go of him. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt and believed somewhat of what he said. (I’m sorry, I’m feeling so ill thinking and feeling the way I did back then; the memories are so detailed.
I don’t feel like opening pandora’s box again to tell the whole first half of the story. So I will summarize. ----- was constantly cheating on me, but denying all of it. He was good at making me believe that I was crazy and was getting too involved with his sh*t. His words, “I told you that’s why I dumped -----, she was constantly on my ass, it actually made me do bad things.”
So, I kinda stopped pressing him about him being MIA for three to four hours or unable to be reached by phone. It only seemed to make him fume more. One night I had slept over at his house and wanted to be intimate with him and he declined, saying “I can’t just f*ck you, I don’t see you like that. I’m tired anyway, I want to sleep.” I felt quite bad, and had an awful feeling in my stomach, so I stood up for myself. He went haywire! He started calling me an ungrateful b*tch, f*cking whore, cunt…etc. As I cried more and told him the reasons for feeling this way he became violent with me. We were standing up yelling at each other, until he pushed me down. I had fallen right on my tailbone so hard that I actually got the wind knocked out of me. I struggled to get up, but did, and was in intense pain. He continued to degrade me and say ‘go home you little whore, you’re a little girl.’ That night I ended up going to the hospital to have it checked out and turns out I fractured my tailbone. I sent him a text telling him, (in hopes he would feel really bad, offer to come get me) but I got nothing. The next day, he told me it was my fault. I caused him to act that way. I had no right accusing him of anything, especially false accusations (so he said). So eventually things just started getting worse, the abuse started to get worse mentally and physically, and after his second DUI I told him that I could no longer deal with him.
About two years passed with NC. Then one day I got a phone call from him. “Hey it’s ------, I’d really like to see you. I’ve changed my ways, I’ve been sober for three months.”
I couldn’t believe it! I thought oh my God we could now have a real, normal relationship. I was thrilled. Bought everything he told me. Telling me, “That wasn’t me, that was me on drugs.” “I don’t do any of that anymore. I’m a changed man.”
For about a month things were great. I saw a change in him (by not wanting to go to bars or clubs). Then as time passed, he became very demanding again, expecting to get what he wants, when he wants it. And if I didn’t agree or comply, I would get reprimanded. He would tell me that I didn’t know what love is, because if I did, I wouldn’t be acting this way. (not agreeing to what he said or wanted). So I put up with everything should be about him….etc. I do love him and I guess I should make him happy. I was afraid of losing him to “all the other women that wanted him.” And that all the women around the area know what I did to him….and would die to be in my shoes to be with him.
Ok, great. Do they know how you treat me? How you always tell me that I’m doing something wrong, or not complying with your orders you then put me down?
I just didn’t understand it. God through out his addiction years I stood by him, through thick and thin, forgave him time and time again for his mess-ups. I would sit at the hospital for hours with him, while he cried to the dr.’s he was so sick and needed pain medicine. Then the next day he would demean me so bad and just make me feel like sh*t.
But I kept taking him back. So we broke up a few more times and got back together….
Fast forwarding to January of last year. He calls me up or sent me a text apologizing for the things he has said and done to me. Of course I’m happy to hear from him and forgive him. Well, things were good for a while. He was still very much about himself and wanted it always his way. But as far as the cheating, I didn’t have any reason to think he was doing it. So literally one day he decides that I don’t talk enough to him, so I must be cheating on him. He claims that I must have another boyfriend because I’m just not ‘doing the things I need to do’ to be his girl.
He attends weekly AA meetings to keep his sobriety, which I always supported. We would usually meet up after his meetings. I started to get a bad feeling in my stomach that he was cheating again. I don’t know why I got the vibes, but I knew something wasn’t right. He started to become really protective and secretive with his cell phone (which is a red flag to me, an action from the past with him when he’s being unfaithful). One night he got a text and I had asked who it was. He told me it was this woman who is obsessed with him. He had met her when we were broken up and she just won’t stop texting him. He reaffirmed to me that she was nuts and I had nothing to worry about. He started telling me her name and how she was a bad alcoholic…etc. The woman’s name was very unique. So, I started to play detective and I looked up the woman’s name on facebook in the surrounding areas where we live. And voile, I found her. Got the last name, goggled her, found her address. I just started getting a bad bad feeling so I decided to prove myself wrong, that I was just freaking out because he cheated on me in the past. So, as I’m pulling around the corner of the neighborhood, I see his f*cking car in the driveway. And I know it’s him for sure because his car is easily identified. I was freakin livid. My adrenaline went from 2 to 2000. I couldn’t f*cking believe it. I got out of my car and started ringing the doorbell and banging on the door….trying to open the front door that was locked, then I ran into the garage tried to open that door but it was locked. So I just kept banging and banging when the OW answers the door, I start yelling “you f*cking sshole, you f*cking liar. Then I started cursing her out and Mr. wonderful starts walking down the stairs….saying “----- stop, stop. What’s wrong with you?” “I’m not doing anything, we were just talking.” Right, that’s why you both came down from upstairs where the bedrooms are. I started punching him in the arms and yelling at him. And the OW told me to stop and that we weren’t married, there’s no ring on my finger…etc.
Oh did that make me mad. So I threatened her and her children. She calls the cops, but I left in time. Mr. wonderful called and begged for me to meet him in parking lot to talk. He went on and on about why he was sleeping with her (although he didn’t admit to that at that time) it was because he wasn’t happy, he wasn’t being treated like he should. It was all bullsh*t. I was so damn good to him. I never once betrayed him in anyway. I was 100% faithful to him. I punched him one last time and ended up breaking my wrist.
I had to go to the hospital and he ended up coming with me….telling me that I’m crazy and that I can’t be going inside people’s houses. I couldn’t believe what the hell was going on. But, I some how forgave him and let it go, taking some of the blame for being selfish.
So, seriously a month later he tells me he’s going to Florida to drive his mothers car to their condo. He repeats over and over again, how he’ll only be gone for three days. I have nothing to worry about; he loves me and wouldn’t hurt me again. He even swore on his sobriety that he wouldn’t cheat on me. Basically he just made me feel really loved and comfortable to trust him. Except I didn’t have a good feeling. He wouldn’t wait for me to take off work to go with, because he wanted to get it down there and get back.
To make this crazy long story short, he ended up driving his mothers car down, talking to me the entire time, reaffirming how he loves me and I have nothing to worry about. He ends up getting there in 1 day. And that’s when the phone calls slowly started stopping. And when I brought up why he couldn’t answer his phone or text me back, he started saying, “Look you better change your ways. Your stuck in the past. I’m tired of you thinking and accusing me of being that person I was in my past.”
I was very very confused, why the hell was he bringing this sh*t up now.
Turns out he ended up meeting this woman he met from an AA meeting in IL. They were already been together for a month and you know, she was what he called a “diva” “millionaire” “mature older woman, who knows how to communicate”
The sick thing is that when he admitted to cheating on me, he blamed it all on me again. He wouldn’t have done this, I caused this to happen. He admitted, “yeah I saw her in FL and banged her out.”
Real f*cking nice. And you were just telling me a month ago how you were going to marry me and I was going to be the mother of your children? WTF???
I must be losing my f*cking mind. What did I do? I started second guessing myself, thinking that I actually did him wrong and that I did deserve this.
And the more angrier I got with him and called him out on his sh*t the more he yelled, put me down, started blaming me for everything and began spitting on me repeatedly, smacking me in my head…saying “I’m done with you. What are you going to do now b*tch, huh you f*cking c*nt? I was crying so hard and started apologizing to him. And he kept spitting and making me the bad guy. Telling me that I was like ‘cancer’ always around and kept coming back.
Then the next day he comes over apologizing telling me that he loves me and that I just make him so mad sometimes. I accept his apology and still continued to neglect myself.
He says that he cut off all contact with the OW and she’s devastated, probably drinking again…etc. Sh*t that he shouldn’t even care about if he really did cut the ties. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and took his word.
Slowly but surely nothing changed, no ties were broken. He was still seeing her and me, sleeping with both of us. So I called him out on it one night and that’s when he said, “you’re never going to change. You have wasted my time.” I asked if I could call him later because I was at work and he said no. Sadly, there was a lot more abuse and drama that I started to forget about because it was so traumatic.
I haven’t heard from him since July 2 of this year.
At first I was ok with it, but then it sank in. I was a mess. I called, texted, wrote him letters, apologizing for hurting him in anyway, telling him I love him so much and that I will change, I will do what ever, just please talk to me.
Never heard a thing back. I was completely D&D. I no longer existed in his mind. He had it set in his mind that I f*cked up, I was the problem.
I have never felt so empty, so sad, so confused, so led on, so many mixed feelings and just completely beside myself. How could this person go from loving me to death, making plans with me for future, leading me to believe we were going to get married and have children, that he was going to protect me and take care of me…..to zero. No feelings no emotions, just completely removed.
I’m shattered; it’s drained the life out of me. All I want to do is sleep and sleep. Work then come home and sleep.
Worst of all, I ran into him, kept my composure and said hello. He ignored me and kept talking to his friend. I said hello again and he said in a sarcastic voice, “hi ----“ not even looking at me, just giving me the cold shoulder.
That broke me down even more, I had to leave the coffee shop because the tears just wouldn’t stop, I felt like I couldn’t breathe from crying so hard. I went through thick and thin with this man, stood by him always, forgave him, did what he wanted, all while trying to keep my sanity…and yet he can’t even be cordial with me. It hurts, hurts so bad. I’ve been fooled, led on, and just made a fool out of myself thinking that this man really loved me. I know I really loved him. I still do love him and feel so sad that he hasn’t tried to make contact. I constantly compare myself to the OW and try to understand why her and not me. It continues to break my heart. I don’t have the courage to get back up on my own two feet; I have no self-esteem left, no real self-identity.

Thanks for listening. I hope this will help someone else who can end a relationship like I experienced before the mr. wonderful takes every last ounce of your self-worth.