Cerebral vs Somatic Narcissist

My ex narc was cerebral. However became somatic to reel me in. He was very sexual with me for quite some time. He was a satyr. He didn't cheat on me, but he lied about most everything else. If we actually did get married, I bet the sex would've come to a grinding halt. It seemed like it was becoming a duty for him towards the very end. I actually went off about it : ) No wonder he D&D'd me. At the end I kept calling him on his B.S.!!! He told me he thought he was asexual for a long time. And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he liked masturbating more than any sex he could have with anyone. It's just something I knew...can't explain it. So they can switch gears, especially if they've just gone through some sort of trauma, and need serious amounts of supply, which sex most definitely can give.

Yep - - I hear you on all of that! I don't really feel guilty about diagnosing him because I never really did - at least with my last narcissist. I know he is NPD, but I believe that there is co-morbidity going on there and since I'm not a pro, I can't say that's his only problem - see where I'm going? He could be bi-polar, or schizo-affective - or borderline - I really have no clue! Maybe he was molested as a child and never told me - There is so much I don't know about him. One thing that is certain - his behavior and what he had told me about his past and his family is consistent with everything I have read about NPD and two therapists I have seen have validated my knowledge of NPD. What we are learning here is very accurate and we can see the similarities in our stories as proof. It's the same cycle over and over and over again . . . I wasn't with any of my narc's long enough to know them to be a cerebral vs. somatic. I read a lot on Sam V's website about that and not much about it anywhere else, so I'm skeptical about that idea. I'm not sure about that concept. I think narcs can be both. They find their supply and they aren't discriminating. My last N, I believe, was a workaholic and received plenty of supply from the attention he got in school. He had a lot of trouble getting women in the past, so he got his supply using his intelligence. Now that he is good looking and successful as well, he gets his supply both ways. I'm sure he gets a thrill from "conquering" women, but that thrill may also be equivalent to the recognition he may get from being first in his class or lecturing - who knows? Someone like that can't be trusted no matter what in my opinion. You may think he is "cerebral" but he may be both. Even Sam V said they can go from cerebral to somatic. It's just a sexual phase for a narc.

i thought cn ment they were all about intelligence and using their mind, well my exh who i thought was a cn, i suppose was a som narc, i just dont know now,. b/c sexually he wanted it but cos he wasent like some of the men i read about on the board i thought he was cn. he never would say he would like to see me with someone else, sexually he treated me well, if i didnt want to do something i said no,and he was ok with that ,no talk of perversion, no talk i wouldnt be able to handle. but he did say to me once good job you are not married to a sex maniac, i said i thought i was. but i put on alot of weight in our marriage, he became nicer, he said it wasnt my fault, cos i had made a remark,it , i think now it was cos of the weight i became a mother figure, when a few years later i lost it all and looked like the girl he first met, he became horribleagain, but thats not possible is it, he simply after 9years of beign nice[and me beign fat]he could do it again be,now i was slim again and he was diffrent and more full on.and said things he had never said before. i have been so stupid, i am so gutted now i relize what that was about but he was definatly nicer, igave up trying. and i was glad. i think he happyer when i was fat, i became almost bovine, never went out just stayed in or visited his family, basicly he had me were he wanted me, i was so passive and medicated up. he felt safer still.he felt very threatend by weight loss and persona. learn something new every day.

IF mine was a narcissist, and I think he had many of the symptoms, he was definitely a cerebral narcissist. He lost his virginity to me, and I can understand why. He was horrible at sex, didn't want it often at all, and was secretly (well, I knew) into transgender stuff. I do still call him a narcissist on occasion if I happen to be telling someone what happened, but I don't really try and "diagnose" him anymore. When I did, I did worry that I was wrong, but then I realized something: it didn't matter if he had a diagnosis from an actual doctor or not. The facts are: 1. He left me multiple times, all without warning or discussion. 2. He didn't want me anymore. 3. I was unhappy when I was around him most of the time anyway. For all I know, he could be perfectly fine with no diagnosable conditions (doubtful, considering his parents), but it doesn't change the fact that we weren't right for each other. Given that I'm happier and more relaxed now than I was during the past six years, I'd say that's a huge sign that something was wrong with our relationship. My psychologist read a long email my ex sent me and told me he thinks my ex is a narc, but in the long run, we agreed that it really don't matter if he is or isn't. He wasn't a good guy for me.

I thought my exN was somatic until I read what you wrote. He is definitely a supply junkie; his supply being smart, beautiful, independent women. But I think his high comes from the duping and seeing what he can get away with. He, too, was a master mindf**ker. MASTER. Used seduction to reel me in, and then withheld sex to torture me. It made NO sense. And no, I have never felt guilty for one second diagnosing him. Guilt is when you have done something wrong. They should feel the guilt.

I suppose it is possible they are just so self-absorbed that the idea of giving to others just doesn't occur. But I read somewhere that Ns get off on the idea that even though they don't reciprocate we still want them and love them which means they must be REALLY awesome. In my case, this man gave Christmas gifts to people who worked directly for him but gave nothing to me - not even a card. I was supposedly his "lover" and "best friend". It was rather devastating. I told him I had things for him and he refused to see me. He said, "we'll have a gift exchange when we get back to the office after the holiday break". I showed up with some thoughtful (and expensive) gifts and he took them with much gratitude and walked away. WTH?!!! Could he make me feel more worthless? It's not that I wanted "things" from him. I really didn't. I just wanted to feel like I mattered. He couldn't give me that though. Oh, I almost forgot. He bragged to me about his huge new salary and his huge sign-on bonus in his new job then gave me a candy bar (unwrapped) for my "milestone" birthday. Wow. He then inquired numerous times about whether or not I liked my gift. Weird. You can't tell me he was just being an oblivious guy.

The experience I had with a cerebral N (I feel confident and justified in diagnosing him!) was one of total confusion, mind games, objectification and lack of reciprocation all with PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY. We worked together and he came on very subtle at first until I showed interest. Then he turned on the charm. Looking back there were a few red flags but mostly he seemed like a normal middle-aged guy in an unhappy marriage, a little shy, self-deprecating, funny and charming. I clicked with him like no one else in my life and he and I bonded over how our spouses (yes, sadly this was an affair) were withholding of sex and affection. Before I shared anything about my situation he said things about his wife that were exactly what I had experienced with my husband so it all resonated. I didn't doubt what he said and believed that we were both trapped in sad situations -had finally found each other, etc... We met for sex and it started out very romantic and passionate and then he stunned me by calling me his little slut. Imagine my horror as I had just turned myself into an adulteress for what I thought was a meaningful romantic soul connection and that's what he calls me! Wow. I was stunned but he actually cried when he had an orgasm and said something like, "why can't my life BE like this". The crying and the comment seemed so sincere that I guess I discounted the "slut" comment and figured him, once again, to be sincere in his pain from a sad marriage like I was. Shortly after this encounter he withdrew. Later he came on strong to make sure I was hooked then withdrew again. Thus started the pattern. He would get me alone at work and tease me sexually then suddenly have to leave. He seemed to enjoy getting me aroused then leaving me hanging. I was in an essentially sexless marriage and thought sex was part of the point of our "relationship". But he was never interested in actually meeting me for sex after that first time. He wanted to have phone sex or chat but I was not into that so he stopped trying that route. (I now know he was getting that elsewhere). He did meet me a few more times for sex but it was more at my urging. He would schedule other times then cancel at the last minute. I guess I figured this was a sign that he was interested in me for more than sex and that seemed like a good sign at the time (thought perhaps he felt guilty about betraying his wife, etc..) I could go on and on about his manipulation, how he sucked me dry but was never there for me when I needed him. I gave him gifts, did him favors, gave tons of attention and validation only to realize too late that he had no intention of reciprocating. The way I finally figured out what he is was googling something about not giving gifts. Articles on narcissism popped up and I started reading and my jaw started dropping to the floor. The absolute clincher was when I read something called "Narcissists and Women". That described my experience so perfectly that I immediately started to cry and I KNEW. That article talks about how sex is not the primary goal of the cerebral narcissist, it is more about conquest and control and domination. It describes the "teasing" and sexual frustration they like to do to women. He was sadistic in bed and objectifying and it all fit the pattern. As I read it everything fell into place. I'm still struggling emotionally from what happened. I don't expect a lot of sympathy given that I was the OW and I was married myself. But I was extremely vulnerable and he had me convinced he was sincere and in the same situation. I now realize it was all a game and a big ego boost. He seemed to enjoy the fact that he seduced a married woman and one who was "conservative". He started sexual experiences in a loving and passionate way and then, SURPRISE, out came the name calling, the rough treatment, the hand around my neck, etc... I feel traumatized just thinking about it all! I sold my soul (betrayed my husband and trashed my moral values) for a LIE and a FRAUD. I also feel objectified and degraded and my self-esteem suffered tremendously. I ultimately quit my stable, lucrative job partly due to stress and the need to get away from him. These people are dangerous and for some reason the fact that he was more the "cerebral" version made him all the more hard to figure out. Watch out.