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Caught between a rock and a hard place..what would you do?

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#1 Feb 12 - 8AM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Caught between a rock and a hard place..what would you do?

I want to freakin scream....Im soooo aggrivated!!!!!!

This is the problem....

My exhusband who doesnt respect my boundaries and just focuses on himself and getting me back.....keeps inviting me places to go with him and our children.....

I cant afford to take them anywhere because he completely robbed me in court when we got divorced...so while he lives on over 6 figures, I struggle with my 40k (thats how much I make with alimony, child support and my job...pitiful).....He takes them everywhere and now invites me to go along....I had been going because he and I were getting along till he climbed upon his high horse to stomp all over me once again, like when we were married.

I love being a part of this...my kids are my life...and being that I cant take them anywhere instead of free places like parks and stuff...I thoroughly enjoy playing indoor lazor tag, and seeing their expressions seeing the friggin huge sea turtle at the state acquarium...If I dont join them...I miss out!!! And my exhusband knows how I feel....he has me by the balls (i dont have balls)...

Im soooo aggrivated because I feel that Im missing out and disappointing my kids if I dont go....I hate that he has this over my head....another way to control...Im to the point where I resent him!!! He dangles the money...the kids...

What would you do? Suck it up and go for the kids? Or would you take the back burner and miss all of these experiences with your children?

Feb 12 - 10AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

you dont want to tag along as

you dont want to tag along as his charity case do you. sit down at the kitchen table and tell your kids the trurth tell them you have very little money and youre trying to get back on your feet. tell them that due to his taking you to the cleaners in court your finances are a mess. explain to them you dont want to tag along as his ex. they will understand. secondly get some balls. youre going to need them. write him a four line note if you need to explaining what ive said above, and let the kids deliver it on his next visit. keep smiling, they hate that!!!!!
Feb 12 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
dazed
dazed's picture

Strongly disagree with

Strongly disagree with telling the kids that she is short of money due to their dad taking her to the cleaners. Don't know the kids ages but I can see no good in telling them whatever their ages. There is truth and honesty and all that but the kids don't need to hear it from the mom. They will figure it out themselves. Just a thought. I think it inappropriate for one spouse to pit the kids against the other.
Feb 12 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Although I appreciate your

Although I appreciate your feedback fooled no longer...I agree with dazed... I understand that my post must have pissed you off and you want me to throw my exh under the bus....but as dazed said,,,,he will do that himself and the the kids will realize this as they get older...they are young 9,8 and 5.... I never want them to ever say that Mommy bad mouthed Daddy...I wont need to...as it is, my oldest gets upset when Dad or Grandma (my ex in law) talks poorly of me...so I have to be the better person and not do this.... they will understand as they get older so in the mean time I have to find more creative inexpensive ways to make memories with them and NOT tag along on HIS extraveganzas!!!
Feb 12 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

let me be clear im not

let me be clear im not telling you to bad mouth your ex. im telling you to be honest about your financial situation. children are often spared the details they need to know. you have nothing to be ashamed of. when my children were younger i tried to plug all the holes made by my exhusband while he played father christmas, and it nearly killed me. now that they are older my kids say why didnt you just tell us. love doesnt cost a thing, dont try compete. thats what im saying.
Feb 12 - 8AM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Big sigh....

Thank you ...thank you.... You are both soooo right...I totally lost that whole perspective....Im just so low right now, I lost it... Thank you for bringing me back... You are soo right...I made cookies last night with my son...im sure he will remember that more than the stupid pet expo his dad is taking them to today..... xoxo
Feb 12 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
Fearless
Fearless's picture

cookies!

cookies are our friends...teehee! very good Janemarie! that reminded me of a wonderful memory my son and I used to share. we would have homemade pizza night. i would make the dough and put all the fixin's in separate bowls. my son would actually build the pizza before baking and i would brag on his expert pizza making skills. to see his face light up with confidence was worth like 500 trillions dollars. not bad for a $15 dollar investment. he and i still talk about those fun times, especially the night we sat one of the pizza's on the bar stool before opening the oven...our cat decided to jump up and landed right in the pizza! funny...well, out for burgers/fries that night...ha

FeFe

Feb 12 - 8AM
Fearless
Fearless's picture

let him take them...

...clearly he is using his own children to manipulate you. sick m'fkr. (sorry) You continue to enjoy making memories with your children on YOUR terms. Free things are not bad...going to the park, museums, picnics, etc. You are totally focused on your children this way...actively involved. When your children go with their father tell them you want to hear all about THEIR fun event when THEY get back. I would be willing to bet once you stop agreeing to go along on these outings with xhub's that the outings will become few and far between. Or, perhaps he will take them to events that will entertain them without much effort on his part. It will be the event they remember more...not the interaction with good old dad. Your children will most likely have so many better memories of their time spent with mom because you will have engaged them on these outings. Or playing laser tag, etc. You will be PRESENT in their lives and this is so important and also something money can't buy. just my thoughts -fefe

FeFe

Feb 12 - 8AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

janemarie

When I got divorced I was in this situation as well. My EXH had all the means to take the kids on fantastic ski trips and buy them anything they wanted while I busted my ass at work to simply pay my bills. I'm here to say- It doesn't matter. My girls are teenagers now and do not think kindly of their Dad. Sitting at home and coloring, going to free events, or eating at McDonalds with Mom made them happier than anything money could buy. It's whats inside that counts. If he is doing all these things just to one up you, then it's all misguided and empty. Your children will be happy wherever they feel love. Material trappings are just that, an attempt to buy somone's love, which is futile.