Catching up...life+Hoover

Hi, I haven't posted or viewed here in while. The last I posted, I commented about PTSD and its effect on my self confidence. I am happy to say I passed the licensing exam for work, which is 8 hrs long and only has a 40% passing rate. I truly have no self confidence anymore, so it is a miracle that I was able to pull it together. As I was waiting the longest 15 seconds for the score to pop up, I had told myself I probably failed. I saw the "pass" pop up on the screen, and literally burst out sobbing. Through everything with my ExN, I have been reduced from an extremely studious, BA/MA/ and MBA girl to the most nervous thing ever. My mantra that I repeated over and over and actually wrote on a piece of paper that I smuggled into the exam in my back pocket was "I will not let him define me."
To condense the next few months, I knew my existing heart problems were getting bad. Needless to say I had gone I to congestive heart failure and was literally dying the day I went to the dr. I had been misdiagnosed by my GP, and thought that I had intestinal issues , since my stomach was super swollen. Nope, my kidneys had shut down due to heart failure and I had to have emergency open heart surgery. Obviously I survived, but the event did involve my mother (unbeknownst to me, i was in a medically induced coma) going through my work BB and sending out a mass email to my management contact list ( which unfortunately includes exN) saying that I was hospitalized and in critical condition. I am not close to my mother, so she does not know specifics of my breakup with him and the necessity of no contact. Needless to say he contacted me directly. After I was conscious, I remember my mother telling me he had emailed me, and she was reading me what he has said. Even through the morphine, I remember being shocked that he not once asked for an update on my health, but instead commented on how he got a new tattoo. He lives 2000 miles away, so it isn't like he could pop up at the hospital, but he was the only person of my management who didn't at least call the hospital to check on my status. Again, through the morphine haze, I remember asking my mother if he checked in on me, he had sent a "you'll be ok. I feel it in my heart." I got super emotional, because I thought I was never going to have to go through another surgery alone, he said he'd always be with me. The stress from him and my destroyed self confidence literally almost killed me. I want to write more, but at this point, I'm too upset so guess ill just post this. Sorry for the rambling.