Carla G's story

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#1 Mar 12 - 8AM
CarlaG
CarlaG's picture

Carla G's story

My story: Well 9 months ago I got sucked into the charm of a Narcissist. For the last 9 months my money well has almost dried up waiting for his next pay day to be repayed what I loaned him. I have his word that he will give me the money back. But the sucker that I am that small $20 loan has become $2500 over the months and thats not including the thousands that I have spent on him on food, clothes, a trip to Mexico, etc, etc, etc. Anyway if your reading this you know exactly what Im talking about because your probably with or have been with the same manipulative monster.

The reason I write is because in 2-3 weeks I will be in my own home after living with him for 3 months. I have bought a house and take over in 2 weeks and move in 3 weeks. (The house is another story: he wants half but no part of the mortgage, but his name is to be on the deed. I maybe gullible but I'm not stupid) Anyway, in the mean time I'm just trying to cope, which I'm finding more and more difficult as each day to the end draws closer. He knows I am moving and wants me to rent the place out and stay with him, but I have told him I want my house. I have been playing everything cool, as normal as possible. But being constantly, critised, ridiculed, and yelled at gets to even the best of people at times.

I'm just looking for support in my last weeks, someone to chat with when things are unbearable, someone that has been in my shoes to tell me things are going to turn around when I get out. I have come so close to losing it, but my goal is to not let him break me, because I know he wouldn't care anyway.

Words of support and encouragement much appreciated.

Mar 12 - 10AM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Leaving Him Safely

Read all you can around here. Dont let him see you reading around here though. Good for you Carla in finally seeing him for what he is, a user and a taker, and very likely having Narcissistic Personality Disorder, perhaps even a Psychopath. And good for you in realizing you can't have a happy life with him in it. Don't put his name on the mortgage. Take him to small claims court to get your money backs for loans made (verbal contract to repay you). If you can right now, get a written note from him stating he will repay you. He won't give it to you but you can give it a try anyway. Lastly, you may have to get a restraining order. Also consider buying a shotgun to keep in your house with you along with security system (that can't be disabled from the electrical box tampering) and motion detector lights. Watch as you go to and from you car at home and work. Park in the garage and watch he doesnt slip in as the door goes down. Consider security cameras. Sorry to scare you, just safety precautions to keep in mind, all depending on the level of aggression and vindictiveness in this man. You know him better than I. Then again, once you try to leave, all hell can break loose and you may find he is much worse than you thought. Tell friends and family your safety concerns. This article may be helful in the breakup. Leaving Them Posted Sat, 06/06/2009 - 07:11 The Detachment During this part of separating from "The Narcissist", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Narcissist" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Narcissist" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should... - Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Narcissist" works. - Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Narcissist" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target. - Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc. - If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order. - If "The Narcissist" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Narcissist". - STOP arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore". - Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Narcissist" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Narcissist" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Narcissist" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching. - Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Narcissist" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down. - As "The Narcissist" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ending the Relationship Remembering that "The Narcissist" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment. - Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Narcissist" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster. - If "The Narcissist" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring 'thanks.' If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again. - Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Narcissist" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you. - "The Narcissist" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship. - Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Narcissist" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you. - Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Narcissist" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over. - Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Narcissist" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort. - Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Narcissist" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure. - Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Narcissist" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Follow-up Protection "The Narcissist" never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, "The Narcissist" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Narcissist" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon. "The Narcissist" rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated. During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are: - Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Narcissist" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship. - Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Narcissist", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again. - Don't offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy. - If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Narcissist" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty. - In any contact with the ex "Narcissist", provide only a status report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it." - When "The Narcissist" tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While "The Narcissist" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us." Remember - nothing personal! - Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Narcissist" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Narcissist" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The key to health is the early identification and treatment of problems In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our life and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Both in medicine and mental health - the key to health is the early identification and treatment of problems - before they reach the point that they are beyond treatment. In years of psychotherapy and counseling practice, treating the victims of "The Narcissist", patterns of attitude and behavior emerge in "The Narcissist" that can now be listed and identified in the hopes of providing early identification and warning. When those signs and indicators surface and the pattern is identified, we must move quickly to get away from the situation. Continuing a relationship with "The Narcissist" will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence. If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with "The Narcissist", after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. In many cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have a stress-produced depression. You may have severe damage to your self-confidence/self-esteem or to your feelings about the opposite sex or relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover from your damaging relationship with "The Narcissist". www.drjoecarver.com
Mar 12 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
CarlaG
CarlaG's picture

Thanks for the advice. I

Thanks for the advice. I really hope that I don't have to deal with some of the stuff you are preparing me for, but just in case I am ready. I have a good supportive friendship base that know the situation and are all keeping things in confidence. I am trying my best to make our life together"boring" so to speak. I think this will make things easier for me. Thanks for the advise and vote of confidence. The closer to d day it gets the harder it is to cope. I appreciate all of your help. Thanks a million.
Mar 12 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Continue To Read All You Can Over The Next Few Months

First off sorry for the bad spelling in that last post I was typing in a real hurry. You should read all you can around here, you just won't believe all the interesting stuff you will learn from shared experiences with others on the message board. And your experience can help others too, we all have our life's experiences to support and guide one another. Everyones input in valueable. And don't feel alone in your experience. I have spent untold thousands (well over $100,000) on two different losers/ takers/ nutballs over the course of the past 20 years. It happens to the best of us, - when all I was really looking for was a loving partner, not a con man, in my life. I had 2 kids with a con man / chronic liar / Narcissist Personality Disorder / Psychopath. I do wish you all the best, hang in there and know you are not alone in seeking a better life and freedom from a man with a personality disorder or mental illness that is unbearable and not worth continuing wasting precious time with. Life is just so short. God bless you Carla!
Mar 12 - 9AM
CarlaG
CarlaG's picture

Thanks ladies. Did we date

Thanks ladies. Did we date the same guy? I guess I should count my blessings in the fact that it only took me a few months to realise i'm dating a monster instead of years. I am thankful for that. I do feel bad for the next victim because I know there will be many more. I love the desert island thing you have my monster pegged to a T. But God forbid I even chat with an old school friend on line or even speak to a man. Anyway thanks for the encouragement it helps. I just hope I don't have a stalker on my hands when I do cut the strings. This reminds me of my first red flag. When I first met my Monster, he would come to my work all the time and try to pick me up, (it took him 4 months) a co worker used to comment "Here comes Carla's stalker!" RED FLAG # 1
Mar 12 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

they sound the same because....

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/07/04/why-do-they-all-sound-same ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 15 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
CarlaG
CarlaG's picture

Update

Well, it turns out that he is moving away to another city 5 hours away within the next month for a job that he can make big bucks. So I won't have to deal with anymore of his crap once I move on. He has asked me to move with him. Leave my family, friends, job, and life, to be isolated with this monster to be his slave, I maybe blonde but I'm not stupid. 9 months of his crap is more then enough in my life time thank you. (mind you I didn't say this to him) He thinks I'm all heart broken that he's leaving, mean while I'm laughing, and giggling like a school girl inside. Just wondering if once he makes all his big money if he'll remember that he owes me a couple thousand. I won't hold my breath. My future is looking good. It's time to smile again. :)
Mar 20 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
angela0714
angela0714's picture

Congratulations

You sound like you're doing great. Continue to be strong. Don't let him whedle back into your life, since men like this often don't make it somewhere else...like in another city or a new job. People that aren't in romantic relationships with these NARCS aren't impressed by their haughty and superior attitude. He may try to come back looking for you or another woman to support him and stoke his ego. Don't let him! Your life can be wonderful. Angela