Cant stop obsessing about EVERYTHING. feeling hopeless. please help. please.

i have tortured myself by obsessing over Tom (my narc) since november. he cheated on me then, despite having just told be that he loved me more than anyone he had ever met, wanted to marry me, wanted to take care of me, etc. the usual crap, from what i have read here.

i started out by stalking him online when i suspected that he was cheating. i would devote hours to it. must admit, i was great at it, because i actually found evidence and the girls phone number, called her and she confirmed it. (i might have said i was with the "Nebraska Dept Of Public Health") hehe. Anyway, from that point on, i obsessed about Tom AND Lindsey. Even when she got new boyfriends, I had to make sure that she and Tom didn't become facebook friends again. i would check her facebook and instagram at least twice a week. meanwhile, tom and i have each other blocked on all social media but are both savvy enough to set up dummy accounts so we can still see each other's stuff. so i am still checking on him. and all this time, we would go back and forth between no contact and him telliung me he loved me and me getting sucked back in every time. every stupid time.

about a month ago, he changed his profile pic to one of him and some girl dressed for a black tie event. He looks very handsome. She looks...OK. She has youth on her side (she is 25, I am 40. Tom is 28) i immediately texted him and made fun of her appearance, etc. stupid and immature, i know. well, for the past month, i have been trying to figure out who she is. the HOURS i have spent online searching Tom's friend's friend lists on Facebook (his is hidden)...and this week I found her. So i spent all day today stalking her, her friends, family...trying to get more pictures of her...more pictures from that black tie event. I learned that today she graduated from law school. There were pictures of her looking super happy and proud.

My friends keep telling me to stop torturing myself. To quit facebook. To never give another thought to Tom. (i can never have contact with him againm, even if i wanted to. He was threatening me a few weeks ago with sending out naked pictures of me that i had no knowledge of having been taken (asleep, etc) so i involved my lawyer and she involved the police. she wrote a very strong letter. i think it scared the shit out of him. that day i felt empowered - like this was a good thing and would keep me doing no contact. but some days i want to text him so badly. even if i get negative attention back...at least i would know he still thinks of me.

i do have depression and OCD and a severe anxiety disorder. i'm medicated for all, but i think this stuff is stronger than my meds. i think the way i am STILL thinking about Tom seven months later after how CRUEL he was to me is very abnormal, do you? i think stalking his new girlfriends is pretty bizarre. i would never contact them, i compare myslef to them. initially i thought i was better than them, now i think they are much cuter (and have youth on their side). i just feel old and rejected (divorced) (rejected by my first relationship after divorce - Tom) ] guys still hit on me and ask me out a lot, but i have absolutely no interest at all. all i want is tom back. the tom that i knew last summer. (and summer is a HUGE trigger for me because last summer was our honeymoon phase where he was totally perfect...)

my thoughts are driving me mad. seriously crazy. i have attempted to kill myself once before (about two years ago), and i think about it daily again. i know i cant do it because i have three young children but that is the level of desperation i feel. ive tried two inpatient programs, three different therapists, group therapy, EMDR, accupuncture. i don't know what to do.

can anyone offer suggestions or similar experiences so i feel like less of a psycho? any advice? i'll listen to anything and i take no offense to strong words i just need help. i need to get out of this.

thank you