Can't stop being disgusted at myself that i let him use me for sex

For those of you that aren't aware of my story, i'd broken up with an emotionally abusive boyfriend and not contacted him for over a year. I didn't know the true extent to what he was doing, i just knew i'd ended up very depressed and feeling like it was my fault the relationship ended. I got over him and but out of loneliness one night, i saw him online and asked him how things were going. I don't know why i did but wish i hadn't. I felt a bit off even after a brief chat with him and told him i had to go.

A couple of days go by and i put it off as a silly thing to do and wasn't thinking about contacting him again. My friend then rang me telling me he'd been in touch with her asking for my number. He contacts me, asking to catch up over drinks sounding more interested than he ever has. Because i was busy all week he even offered to come straight from the airport after his holiday. He was very sweet, and kept texting me asking how i was and how excited he was to see me. He comes over, says he doesn't have money for drinks so we went back to mine. He told me he missed me, brought me a bracelet, was cuddling up to me and stroking my arm.

I was so overwhelmed by his affection and interest in me from how disinterested and unloved he made me feel before that i kissed him.. and one thing then led to another. I told him i liked him and wanted more than sex, he said the same and that he wanted to take it slow and see how things went. I thought we were seeing each other again and i kept having sex with him. After months of increasing disinterest on his part i confronted him and he said "he never wanted a relationship" and after telling him i wouldn't be there only for sex anymore he didn't even get back to me. I felt like i'd been thrown away now i wasn't useful.

The thing that hurts me most though is that i initiated everything and i feel like i'm all to blame. I began talking to him and i initiated all the sex because i loved sharing something so intimate with him. Now i feel humiliated and naive in myself for viewing it this way, when in reality it was just to get him off. Now i'm starting to see all the ways he hurt me before, i just feel disgusted that i not only let him do these things to me, but initiated it myself! I keep thinking of how much to blame i am; that i made the first move, he never made any promises and i kept having sex with him. Now i'm seeing more clearly about how he abused me, i feel ashamed that i let this happen.