Can someone explicit about his love be a narcissist?

25 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 24 - 7AM

velvet2012

Can someone explicit about his love be a narcissist?

Hi all,
Just some background information first.
I came to this forum guided by another woman who claimed my man hit on her. In the process, I discovered some uncomfortable things but was never sure she was not lying to me and am not sure my man is a narcissist.
In the past, a couple of my friends who had met my man had hinted he was a narcissist and I started reading about it. When he caught me reading about it, he was very angry and told me that my friends just wanted to destroy our love. Since then he mentioned that I am probably the narcissist as I had lived with an abusive egoist (whom I have since our separation identified as a complete narcissist).

I need your help in identifying the reality. Based on your experience, would a man who is a narcissist show everybody his love for a woman or would he rather not have people knowing about it?

Thanks for your responses and good luck to you all.

#2 Feb 24 - 9PM

Journey

After reading all the

After reading all the comments and your replies so far my first impression is that yes, he is a narcissist. I draw this opinion based on what you have said in response to comments, as well as your opening post. Outwardly narcs are different depending upon what they perceive they gain from their outward displays. His reactions to things will tell you a lot more about what is really motivating him. First - why would ANYONE hint that he might be a narcissist - what possible reason would they have to make that up and suggest such things to you? Sure, they could be wrong, they could be over reacting to him, but really, to be told about this site to learn more? THAT is very telling. Others can often see the forest while we are busy swinging from the trees. Second - "When he caught me reading about it, he was very angry and told me that my friends just wanted to destroy our love. Since then he mentioned that I am probably the narcissist as I had lived with an abusive egoist." A normal, non disordered person would probably NOT react like this. I would think a normal person would be hurt and confused maybe, wonder why anyone would say that to you, feel concerned that you could have these suspicions and would also want to know more about the disorder - just to make sure he wasn't one. There would be an indication of empathy for you, that you might think this of him - he'd want to show you that he wasn't one by being extra thoughtful, nice and willing to understand where these thoughts were coming from and why. Instead, your man got angry and put down your friends. Accused them of trying to destroy your love - WHY would anyone really want to do that? Do they have it out for you? Do they want to hurt you for some reason? If you can't justify this as something these people would do, then there is a real good chance they are being honest with you about their perceptions and if they KNOW him, I would pay close attention to what they say. He then began deflecting it all from himself and projecting onto you, accusingly saying YOU were the narc because of your relationship history - I find that to be quite ridiculous logic and with it he is showing no empathy to your concerns - ESPECIALLY knowing you'd been with an narc in your past and likely hurt by that relationship. You are still with him and may not be ready to believe he is a narc and there is a chance he isn't one. Keep reading about the disorder and remember that even though many traits are shared, not all of them manifest in the same way, all the time, with each narc. My advice to you would be to take a break, get away if you can for a week, two weeks. Gain some perspective without his influence manipulating the direction your thoughts would go and don't ignore any red flags - that will not lead to your happiness in the long run. Good luck! and welcome to the forum :)

Journey on...

#3 Feb 25 - 2AM (Reply to #23)

freaked

wow...superb analysis

wow...superb analysis Journey. I second your viewpoint. in fact...amoth the first things cn told me was..."I am not a narc like your h...Im a good guy..."...ewwwwwwwww....CRIMSON FLAG. Stupid of me to have poured out my martital grief AND share url of my blog. The CN just lapped it up i think....helped him to finetune the I D D...he kind of compressed it all into 8 short weeks as opposed to the 8 months he might have taken. I know all at the forum will say it was good the split happened so early...but..in my head i still wonder if i was soooooooooo third rate that a guy did not stay even 4 months b4 discarding?? Or should i learn to thank my blessings that CN left early because he probably understood i already knew too much abt narcs? Point is..........howmuchsoever I may know about Narcs... I still can't feeling like trash after I got discarded by CN. somehow discard from NH is not affecting me AT ALL...weird. I just cant feel anything reg nh...he is a useless piece of crap in my life... but CN..is another story. Still searching for Nirvana...ie..freedom from grief

#4 Feb 25 - 2AM (Reply to #24)

velvet2012

I had a blog too

What you say freaked is interesting. I had a blog too where I poured all my marital grief as you say. One of my friends had mentioned it would help to write and get it out of my system. However, since then, I have realised that all kinds of people reached out to me and knew me well without actually having met me. Although my blog had helped quite a few women who had reached out to me, it had also put me high on the list of abusers and other disturbed minds. I still am not convinced my man is a narcissist but see that he does have narcissistic traits. Besides, his past work has made him very wary of women in general so I find that many of his jealousy fits could be due to the unconscious comparison with the kind of women he worked with. He did admit to reading my blog, however and did have the same reaction "I am not like your horrible husband" that you mention. Still reading on, interacting and watching Sam's videos to learn more and finally be able to understand whether he is or not. The thing is, even if I did have confirmation that he is one, I think I would continue believing that he will change with me, with a more normal family life than he has had until now.

#5 Feb 24 - 10AM

oceangirl

Mine would always tell

Mine would always tell everyone how great I was, how much he loved me, he put b-day cards on my desk at work (nothing at home), he would oogle over me in public, brag about me all the time, in public, yet he still hit on tons of chicks, later projected that he had slept with many, and now lives with his girlfriend. Oh, and my friend told me he hit on her at work. I hope this helps. Keep reading on this site!

#6 Feb 24 - 10AM

sadderbutwiser

yes, velvet

mine always told people how great his long-term wife was. it's all about HIS image. she is an extension of him, so if she looks good, he looks good. however, i am one of the few people who know the real him. my narc ( i have been reading about this disorder for over 2 years, mine is a classic narc) told me that he "loves" his wife, but he is a "red-blooded male" WTF? he is constantly trolling and flirting with women. we live in the same neighborhood. he is pathetic, but she is also cause she has been living in denial for many, many years. so yes, some will tell others how much they "love" their wives or gf's, but they want a whore on the side. they have NO IDEA what love is. i hope this helps.

#7 Feb 24 - 10AM

Ophelia

Mine was very explicit. In

Mine was very explicit. In addition to telling me he loved me every chance he got, he told his several adult children about me, saying, "your father is in love again after long last", (one of them even wished us both including me by name a merry xmas in their card to him) told all of his friends about me, introduced me to many of his friends/acquaintances, told his audiences about me before performing the song he wrote and recorded about me, told his physician about me, and she told him to bring me around to visit when I was in town, which he did, and the three of us had a lovely chat for over an hour at the end of her day, friended my friends on facebook and told them he loved me (if they congratulated him on our seemingly perfectly blissful relationship). It went on, and on, and on. Very explicit. I never felt more loved, and very safe with him. And then BOOM it was over in the blink of an eye.

#8 Feb 25 - 2AM (Reply to #19)

tootsgee

mine did this too......

mine did this too...... introduced me to all of his family within a couple of weeks... including his 9 year old son. Told everyone at work just how happy he was... made friends with all my friends... many of whom he now sees and I dont.... I now realise as well he was rubbing his ex wife's nose in it and using our new relationship to continue to abuse her.... in the end though he wouldnt let me invite any of his family to our home or take me to see them as he had D&D me.

#9 Feb 24 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

velvet2012

THanks Ophelia, I was

THanks Ophelia, I was introduced to the family and that made me believe his intentions were good but if yours did so too and he was one then I can't hold on to that. Do you mind sharing how and why it disappeared all of a sudden? How sudden? Within the day? Thanks again

#10 Feb 25 - 9AM (Reply to #17)

Ophelia

Velvet it was within a couple

Velvet it was within a couple of days, it was totally unexpected and abrupt. No discussion, no attempt to work things through in an adult, healthy fashion. Check out my story in the "Share your Story" section. He D&D'd me two nights after xmas because he didn't like that I sometimes had an alternate opinion from him. I didn't argue, I didn't fight, I just had different information from him on some matters and he took that as a deep personal affront. It's no wonder that his last 'serious' relationship was with a 20-year old girl, 37 years younger than him, which ended in divorce two years later, that was five years ago.I asked him if being with her made him feel important and he said yes. (He had walked out on a 14 year relationship with an intelligent, strong woman his own age prior to getting involved with the girl, and prior to that he had walked out on the mother of his several children, I think they were together for about six years). Regarding the 20 year old he attributes it to the fact that they were both addicts at the time. He went into recovery and has been sober since then but he's only had a series of extremely brief relationships with inappropriately young women, or undemanding women who posed no challenge to him intellectually or otherwise (he's a very intelligent man). So he got involved with me, someone more appropriate age wise, attractive, intelligent, and with a mind of my own. But he simply could not tolerate not being in total control all the time. I believe he tried, but a leopard never loses its spots. That was a bit of a digression but what I realize now is that it is important to try to find out about your partner's relationship history. Not demand an account of every person they've slept with in some kind of morbid jealous snooping mode, but it is important to understand what they've been through and what they've learned from their past relationships that's brought them to where they are with you. Have they been learning and growing, or are they repeating the same patterns over and over. Proceed with caution is all I can say.

#11 Feb 25 - 1PM (Reply to #18)

velvet2012

Thanks Ophelia for sharing. I

Thanks Ophelia for sharing. I have tried to ask discreetly just to check how he was before but all I got from him was that he had had very few relationships and each of them was meant to be long lasting. He was supposed to get married to each of them but for some reason it did not work out. I did not want to hurt his feelings so did not ask more details. Maybe I should have in retrospect... He mentioned one of his past relationships when he was younger was an abusive person. He did not say a narcissist though. Caution is a little bit difficult though for now as things have really gone far between us. I got truly swept off my feet and did not think twice.

#12 Feb 24 - 8AM

TNR1

Hey Velvet...whether he is or

Hey Velvet...whether he is or isn't a Narcissist..the fact remains that your friends are telling you that he has flirted with them and that isn't a good sign for a good man. Whether or not he tells everyone he loves you or doesn't...if he is approaching other girls and asking them out or flirting with them...is that someone you want to spend your time with?? Be honest. What I've learned is...if the words and actions are not congruent..then I need to pay more attention to the actions than the words.

#13 Feb 24 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

velvet2012

The hitting on part is unclear

As I commented in my reply to sparrow, the hitting on is unclear. Besides the woman who directed me here was not my friend initially but his. He mentioned one woman was lying because she had a problem with men and the other because he had excluded her after she tried to hit on him. As far as I know he has approached nobody physically. It is all virtual what has been brought to my attention. Besides the occurrence was at a time when I had problems in my life and was not paying enough attention to him.

#14 Feb 24 - 9AM (Reply to #14)

TNR1

Besides the occurrence was at

Besides the occurrence was at a time when I had problems in my life and was not paying enough attention to him. This sounds like you are justifying his behavior and if he is with you...I would not accept him flirting with other girls for any reason (online or in person). BTW...it is very Narcish to say that the other person is lying when he is called out on something. If 3 completely different people approached me about my boyfriend "hitting" on them...I would have to wonder if there wasn't some truth in their statement and he is the one who is lying. Ultimately, you have to decide whether to stay with him..Narc or not.

#15 Feb 24 - 8AM

Krooks

My N professed his love to

My N professed his love to the world... Every where we went he ran around telling people how much he loved me. That ebbed and flowed with our fights but remained pretty constant when we were in a good place. Hell one of the last times we went out together he ran around NYC telling everyone how he loved me so much that we were "gunna make a baby" that night... And he meant it! That night he actually tried! ... Thankfully I wasn't swept away the way I was in the begining.

#16 Feb 24 - 8AM

Redhead

Initially my ex-narc

Initially my ex-narc professed his "love" for me to the world. He had an agenda. At the end, he was telling everyone I was a horrible, abusive wife.

#17 Feb 24 - 8AM (Reply to #8)

velvet2012

something similar to Redhead

Thanks Redhead. This comment hit a nerve as my man seems to have started telling people I was being abusive with him - not in a straigthforward way but by hinting and suggesting. I got a couple of sources telling me so. One of them confronted me and got the other side of the story. She directed me to this site. My man literally screams out his love for me constantly to me and the world and expects me to do the same and say the exact same words almost ritually. I am an affectionate person but do not believe in going on and on just for the benefit of others to see our love. It seems important for him however and I am indulging it for now. I have a gnawing feeling, however, that the more I show it, the more he expects and the less he is showing affection in private, just concentrating on the public side of it. I don't understand what is happening and am still trying to figure out if he is a narcissist.

#18 Feb 24 - 10AM (Reply to #9)

oceangirl

Velvet, are you still with

Velvet, are you still with this person? Why? Try to pull yourself out of his drama and the drama he creates by telling everyone else and then them telling you. Wayyyy too much for you to need in your life! Red flags everywhere.

#19 Feb 24 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

velvet2012

Yes oceangirl, we are still

Yes oceangirl, we are still together. I am not convinced he is a narcissist but am on this site and viewing Sam Vaknin's videos on youtube. Many points are alike but many are not. We are supposed to get married soon, my whole family knows about him and I love him despite the strange feelings I sometimes get about his behaviour. I am not sure whether he is simply very jealous and stressed out right now. I don't want to throw away what we have over a few doubt so am trying to make sure first. Thanks to all for sharing your impressions.

#20 Feb 24 - 8AM

Sparrow

Depends on the narcs

Depends on the narcs motivation for that particular relationship. It varies really. A word of advice, if you have had multiple people bring this disorder to your attention, my guess is if he isn't a narcissist, he holds very heavy narcissistic traits. Oh, and the friend that claimed your man hit on her........he more than likely did. Unless your friend had a motive for lying. Funny, it reminds me of the time my friends huband hit on me, I told her, and it was very uncomfortable to have to do, she was not sincere to me at all. Accused me of lying. Screamed and carried on and was very angry at ME. Well, she eventually caught him cheating and learned of all the indescretions that took place over the years of her marriage. There were many. It was only than that she believed me. Oh, and I have been hit on by husbands since then........and I say nothing now. It's a shame, but live and learn. Denial is a dangerous place to set up house.

#21 Feb 24 - 9AM (Reply to #3)

velvet2012

Thanks sparrow. The thing is

Thanks sparrow. The thing is that the proof she gave me showed to some extent that he was being "sweet" albeit in a strange way. At the same time the same proof showed that he told her clearly that he loved me and would never leave me. Would a narcissist tell a woman he is attempting to hit on that he completely loves the woman he is with and wants to continue being with her? It's not sure about the hitting because there could be cultural differences that make someone's attempts at being considerate seem like hitting... Personally, I don't think I am in denial as I have come to this website to read and exchange with others. Yet, I am not convinced he is a narcissist. Probably this is temporary and due to stress only. I continue reading and exchanging with an open mind.

#22 Feb 24 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

janemarie

To answer your question.....

Would a narcissist tell a woman he is attempting to hit on that he completely loves the woman he is with and wants to continue being with her? Absolutely!!! Why?? Because it makes HIM look good!! His motive is to have this woman be so envious of you to have such a wonderful man. He wants her to imagine what it would be like to have someone boast about her in that way. He wants her to look at HIM and wish HE was hers..... They are so disordered and think of no one but themselves...whatever works in their favor at the time they will do.... From what I read on your post..he is a Narc!!! I was warned...didnt listen....Mine accused my ex husband of being a Narc so I looked it up,....HE told me about Narcissism...then told me all of his ex's were Narcs..(projection)...told me he was accused of it but thats because these people didnt understand him like I did...(manipulation).....Sound familiar?!?!?! You've come to the right place!!!

#23 Feb 24 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

janemarie

One more thing....

I have to tell you that whenever he and I had problems he always blamed it on "someone trying to ruin our love" I got chills when I read this from your post..... He would say it was due to the stress from our ex spouses or our children or the dog shitting in his cage It was always someone trying to ruin our love....never him!!!!!!!!! He is a Narc!!!

#24 Feb 24 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

velvet2012

your experience seems similar to mine Janemarie

Thanks for your messages. It is true that absolutely anything that got in the way was immediately looked at as someone else trying to ruin our love. Even if I would myself be upset about something he said that was an obvious lie and I discovered it to be one, he would find a good excuse. Thinking back, some of the excuses were barely credible but every time I was coaxed out of thinking with him being extremely sweet with me. I have to admit lovemaking was absolutely fantastic, nothing demeaning like what I have read here and no objectifying. It was an exchange and requests were mutual. The love expressed was genuine, I am sure about that. I have even gone through Sam Vaknin's videos on Can a narcissist truly love and am sure that my man does not conform to what is said there. There was an issue about my availability though when I was busy with my children. It did not seem to go down well with him although each time I was cross about him not understanding there was an immediate display of remorse from him and an extra effort to be sweet and helpful that leveled out any uneasy feelings I had initially. It is hard to know the difference from a standard situation where the other man is a bit upset that the woman is not having enough time with him because the children are not his and it is a stressful situation. In any case a situation arose where he had to leave and my gut feeling was to let him leave rather than resort to the substitute solutions he was suggesting. For now we are in contact from afar as he no longer lives with us. I receive however several messages daily from him where he enquires what I am doing, who I am with, whether I am faithful at all times like he is, etc. I forgot to mention that at the beginning of our relationship he accompanied me absolutely everywhere and would be very upset if I had planned an outing without letting him know about it in advance. In the beginning it was great as I had been a loner since I left my ex-husband and was no longer used to being helped out in situations like buying the groceries, doing chores, etc. However, on the long run, it started becoming tiresome as I would need to mention in advance exactly how I was planning my day so that he could make sure he would be with me. I had lived for long alone and don't like routine in general so it was a bit unsettling to have to minutely plan out the day. I guess this could fall under the trait described by Sam Vaknin as making one totally reliant on the narcissist. Yet, it could also be simple chivalry mingled with jealousy. I am still trying to get my head around this. All in all, the most difficult part is trying to figure out how come I could get involved with the same kind of person as my ex-husband, specially that he is very different although some traits are worrying. Maybe I should have completely got off the dating radar for many many years instead of attempting to relive again a love story. This site is really extremely helpful. Thanks again for your input Janemarie and to others. I am realising that while I type, I am rethinking situations in a very different perspective. It seems to also help that he and I are apart and that the lovemaking and other direct contacts are out of the picture.

#25 Feb 24 - 7AM

Hunter

You question doesn't have a

You question doesn't have a simple answer.. There is alot of information here on Lisa's site .. Educate yourself.. Work Lisa" the path forward" Start by posting your story.. Hunter

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews