butterflyisfree's story

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#1 Sep 30 - 5PM
butterflyisfree
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butterflyisfree's story

1 year away from N and I thought I would be free by now

This is my first time posting my story and I am so glad I found this forum. It has helped me tremendously to understand what is happening to me. I have been separated from my N for 1 year now and I thought I would be ready to date again, and my hurt would be all healed by now. It's not. I now understand why. It's not just the separation from an 18 year relationship that I am grieving, it is the damage done from living with a Narc that is the hardest to heal from. The people in my life don't understand this as they just say things like "you didn't like him anyway, so you should be glad to be away from him", and "it's over, so get on with your life", "why do you care anyway about what he is doing with OW - he is her problem now". I know these are meant to be helpful and move me along, but honestly, I would rather talk about it to people like you that understand. I feel much better after I have gotten all these feelings out of my head.

We were married for 12 years and together off and on for 6 years prior to marriage. I knew very early on that there was something odd about him and that he seemed to have 2 personalities. "the happy guy" and "the mean guy".

Over the years I learned to tiptoe around his moods so I wouldn't upset him because that would bring the mean guy out. I loved the happy guy, but despised the mean guy. I was in a needy place when I met him and he was my knight in shining armour who rescued me - or so I thought!! So, I wanted to make him happy because when he was happy, I was happy. But then I realized that nothing I did was ever good enough for him and even when I was very loving, kind, compassionate, and nurturing towards him, it just never was enough. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY As soon as I would try to make him accountable for something or try to get my needs met, he would holler at me to shut me up, turn things around to blame me, withhold affection, and not speak to me for days. It was a horrible life to live.

There are so many stories I could tell you, but you all know the way it goes with NPD. I have just recently discovered that his hurtful and cold behaviour actually has a name. I wonder if I had known that he had a PD years ago, if I would have left sooner - or would I still have tried to stay and "help him". I am so mad at myself for wasting all those years on him. I lost myself in the process of trying to fix him and open up his heart.

I felt so free when we separated (it was mutual) and I made huge progress in my personal and spiritual growth for the first few months. Then I found out about OW and realized that was why he wasn't trying to win me back like he had done every other time we broke up because he was getting his supply from her. We said we would be friends, but he has totally ignored and abandoned me and my family as if we never existed. That is the part that I have a hard time understanding. Did all those years not mean anything to him? I am glad that we separated, and I never want him back, but please, just a little concern for me might not be too much to ask?

I know all the logical things to tell myself on my good days to not obsess about what he is doing or thinking, but it's at night or weekends that I seem to forget all the logic and just sit and obsess about all the things that happened in the relationship, and what he is doing now with OW and her family. How much longer will this go on because I want him out of my head for good....

Dec 13 - 2PM
notyourgirl
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time

Oct 1 - 2AM
Pearl430
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me too

Oct 1 - 3AM (Reply to #8)
butterflyisfree
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My exN was like that in past

Oct 1 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
Pearl430
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Thanks

Oct 1 - 12AM
erika astrid
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Same here..

Oct 1 - 3AM (Reply to #6)
butterflyisfree
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Thanks for the comment that

Sep 30 - 6PM
blondelover2
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I could have written this

Oct 1 - 3AM (Reply to #4)
butterflyisfree
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I understand what you mean

Sep 30 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
virgoluv
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I havent been

Oct 1 - 3AM (Reply to #3)
butterflyisfree
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Yes, it does cycle. That was