BS!! He wished me much happiness and a good life.

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#1 Jul 24 - 9PM

tresor2

BS!! He wished me much happiness and a good life.

After 7 years of N abuse and me being on the begging end, he moved in an OW last year and lied to me about it for several months. During a conversation a few months ago when he finally came clean with the truth, I went off on him but, later, after chilling, I sent him an email wishing him the best and happiness with his OW.

Since then, I had another contact with him and he wished me all the happiness in the world and a good life. He also said he was so happy that my health condition had improved.

You know, at first I thought that what he said was nice but now, I realize there was nothing nice about it. The jerk led me on for years...lied, cheated, false promises, emotional abuse, all of it. Now he moved in an OW and he's wishing me the best!! I do admit that I didn't return his calls last year (after he treated me like shit) which triggered more D & D but, to move someone in that fast...the person was probably there all along.

I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself and doing the "if only I had..." but that is my ego and addiction talking. Maybe he and his lucky new OW will go on to have a long and healthy relationship...not my issue. My issue is to stop thinking about this shit and to begin figuring out what makes me happy and how to love myself unconditionally. I've allowed one human being to determine that I'm not good enough and I believed it... that's about as bad as it gets.

#2 Jul 27 - 5AM

Survivor101

They are all the same..

After I left him he would send me 20 text messages and emails per day trying absolutely everything to get me to take him back (of course he just wanted to move into the nice new apartment I managed to get as he was living with his mother after I left him). He would say you and me will always be you and me and I will always love you you deserve to be happy I am no good or please marry me this isn't right we should be together or my personal favorite you are my soulmate and you cannot live without me. I ignored him flat, but we have kids together so completely ignoring him is next to impossible.

#3 Jul 25 - 8PM

ifinallygotit

be glad he had a new victim not you

I have not had a cold or flu since mine left and I had constant colds with him. what kind of jerk forgets a long love in a few weeks? a shallow superficial barely human jerk - it is not normal. Men do move on faster than women but normal men do bond. these guys don't. Mine only visited his beloved dog once when he was here for 7 days - he left me and the dog s year ago for a "job" (not really true since it is low pay, he left to chase his old fame and ego)

#4 Jul 25 - 8PM

Journey

Tresor2

My exN said almost word for word to me. Even the part about getting healthier. What pisses me off the most is that my unhealthiness was directly related to HIM. He says the 'nicest' things to me about caring, how he wants me to be happy, how he'll always be my friend, that he does love me in his own way, even if he thinks I don't believe it... blah blah blah That has been one of the hardest parts for me to reconcile, the cog dis from what he would say and how he would act. Still to this day, the scrambled eggs continue. I'm glad you know that doing the "if only I had... " thing is pointless. No matter what we could have done, a narc will still be disordered and will react in whichever way the disorder takes them from moment to moment. It was all about him and we must forgive whatever we think we did 'wrong'. It is impossible to play it 'right' when the goal posts are always moving and the rules are always changing accordingly to the narc.

Journey on...

#5 Jul 25 - 10PM (Reply to #11)

tresor2

Jourrney

Same here, most of my unhealthiness is related to him...I ended up with early stage breast cancer...I'll be OK but I have no doubt the last 8 years have everything to do with it. I had a litmus test recently and my body was totally acid and out of balance. But, the reality of it is that I ignored red flags and allowed the abuse to continue so I feel I caused much of my own suffering. I have a history of choosing bad boys and eventually, the body starts breaking down. His words said "I love you" and his actions said fuck you. I like your analogy of the goal posts...that's what it felt like. No win but I kept trying. The one thing that still bothers me is that he did move in someone else and I wasn't afforded the "honor." I know I'm lucky but it still sucks.

#6 Jul 25 - 7PM

twisted

Mine used to always say "I

Mine used to always say "I would never hurt you" -- and then he would turn around and hurt me. After we had broken up he would tell me I was sacred and that I looked good and that I deserved to be happy and my new boyfriend was a lucky guy and he better treat me right because I deserve that. One time he called me family. I guess he forgot about how for the last few years he started to act like he hated my guts and treated me like a nuisance and cut me out of his life like the plague and would call me names and look at me like I was a disease and womanized behind my back. Any yet I felt warm and fuzzy when he said those nice things to me too...ugh. It just felt so good to feel back in his good books. But it was just words...then he would go back to disappearing again and leave me emotionally screwed.

#7 Jul 25 - 4PM

strongblackcoffee

Tresor

Your N and mine must be twins! It's amazing the limits on their lines. I just got one yesterday that said "I will always treasure our time together" and within five minutes and a not so nice response from me and he yelled and talked bad about me in the next text. So much for treasuring....I put up with that same soundtrack for the last three years and I m a mess trying to pick myself up and move on. NC all the way. Hug Coffee

#8 Jul 24 - 11PM

Puzzle

What a douche...this guy

What a douche...this guy sounds like a top notch jerk off! My N sent me an email similar when we broke up years ago, then we got back together...bad me. Anyway he said some kind of crap like yours did, and added in there "I hope we will always be friends." At first I just thought he was being nice and amicable. Now I realise there was nothing nice about it. I think sometimes we are far too nice to these jerks. We let them get away with thinking they have got off scott free from having any responsibility for our feelings. I have saved the niceties this time, instead there will be no nice email from me, nothing. Just know that he is full of shit. You have done the right thing by you, remained dignified and mature. I applaud you for that.

#9 Jul 25 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

JRB123

I agree!

I agree that we're too nice to these idiots. I've taken the high road, I haven't let rip at him, I've even smiled and said hello to him while I am seething inside! At the weekend I saw a sign in a shop that said ' You're mistaking me for someone who gives a shit!' It made me smile and I would love to use this if the narc ever tried to contact me again!

#10 Jul 24 - 10PM

rosedewittbukater

Not likely sweetie

"Maybe he and his lucky new OW will go on to have a long and healthy relationship...not my issue." You're right about it not being your issue, but I can almost guarantee that they won't. They will do the SAME THING over and over again, repeating the cycle of abuse, the idealization and INEVITABLE D&D. I know it is SO HARD understanding how they can move on overnight without missing a beat. But trust me when I say she will not get the perfect man and perfect fairy tale relationship that you deserved. It just cannot happen. The outward appearances may look like it but behind closed doors you can believe that it is a different story. Living together I think just accelerates the devaluation in many cases. Keep working on yourself and taking care of YOU. xx Rose

#11 Jul 24 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

tresor2

Fairy Tale

You are right about my fairy tale projection. It somehow helps me create finality about the situation if I tell myself that he'll live happily ever after with someone else. It provides me with closure. Thanks Rose

#12 Jul 24 - 11PM (Reply to #5)

rosedewittbukater

If that helps

then it is okay. I am a firm believer in using any and all the tools in the toolbox. Just don't sell yourself short and don't think there is anything wrong with YOU!

#13 Jul 24 - 10PM

moonshine

tresor2

I understand how you feel...especially 7 years is a long time. It is going to take a while to get over this betrayal and abuse. Its true what you have written "that about as bad as it gets". We doubt ourselves. We think something could have been better but NO. The "if only" will play in your mind for a while but just be kind to the feelings that come up on you. Take your time to actually feel them...grieve...accept and then time will do the rest.....but just believe in yourself. He is playing with your head by saying that. I also got the "have a happy life". Being a good person you are, you wished him well but what he is trying to do to you is just to mess up with your head which leads to "if only" and other thoughts that goes on and on like a loop in our heads. One day at a time.....BE IN THE PRESENT and let those feelings come and go....dont fight but just be committed to NOOOO CONTACT. I wish you well, tresor2.

#14 Jul 24 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

tresor2

Thank you Moonshine

I appreciate the post...you helped me put it in perspective. I thought he was messing with my head at the time because N's don't genuinely care anyway. I eventually took it more as another FU. He's probably still angry that I wouldn't sell my house to get him the $300,000 he needed to save his real estate investments. And yes, I was a chronic relapser and each time, he finds another subtle way to inflict harm. NC is now enacted and I will maintain it this time!!

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