Brokendoll's Story

This Brokendoll Needs Mending

***Well, if life were one big toy box, I would be the Brokendoll.
There would be clowns and letterblocks, and teddies, I recall.
But, tucked down in the corner, was a toy that took a fall...This Brokendoll
But, at one time, I was the new toy, so full of life and lots of fun. And, out of all the others, I always thought that I was... the special one.
And, as time went on, the novelty worn down. It seemed the more I'd try, the more I'd looked like a clown. I changed myself to fit, just wanting to be loved. And to keep track of it, I'd have to push and shove. That's when I noticed, that living wasn't fun. I found myself alone, the other toys had run.
So, now I'm just the Brokendoll...The one who played with me, I hardly know at all. I can only hope one day, to feel fun and full of zest....Because I want to be the toy, that one would never guess. the toy, that suffered through the test...the toy, that someone calls their best...this Brokendoll*** Beverly D.

Wandering lost and stumbling the other day, I found this site. As I tippy-toed around reading your stories, it was as if an invisible hand reached out and got me to join. While waiting for approval* I continued reading, and often found myself bobbing my head along in agreement to things that were brought up in posts. It was as if, the hand let go of mine and went around my shoulders to say, "See, you really aren't alone, you aren't crazy, and it wasn't your imagination..."

I wrote at least 2 introductions for myself, both being deleted because I had actually forgotten how to introduce myself to new people, and after reading my intro, realized I'm not really sure exactly who I'm introducing anymore. It was just moments ago, when it dawned on me that when I used to play guitar and write music, I had written words to a song almost 10 years ago, that couldn't be more perfect for the here and now of my life. Oddly enough, I recall my feelings of hurt back then as I wrote that. They were very similar in nature, but then I had advanced notice of what I was in store for me...and, of course, I was much stronger. What I'm suffering with now, is that this time, my past is being used against me by a friend of almost 20+ years. As if that isn't enough, while he helped me through the last blow to my esteem, he also became my knight in shining armor. My soulmate. For the last 6 years, He's claimed to be the Forrest Gump to my being his Jenny. For Christ's sake, we had 20+ years between us as friends, even roommates for awhile when he was married to a girlfriend of mine. They were like my adoptive family. They watched me get my heart broken numerous times, and just shook their heads when I'd come by and sob about the latest hurt in my heart as we sat at the table. Knowing what I know now about personality disorders, that I wished I had known back then, it's safe to say my own girlfriend was a narcissist. Her husband, in my eyes, was simply that...her husband. A funny, friendly, hard working guy. Married. Zero interest, other than the fact that I knew we'd always be friends through thick and thin. I never expected, nor even imagined what that would do to me...

I'll post this part now. And then, it might be best to perhaps share parts of my past that may explain why I was so easily betrayed, and why I am once again, a Brokendoll.