Broken, embarrassed, vulnerable and just STUPID.

First - You are NOT stupid Second- You are NOT alone! I do believe they are a type of addiction and I have never had any type of addiction in my life either. And because of this, I feel weak and sometimes even dependant...(hate that word) but I have to believe this is part of the 'cleansing' 'detoxifying' 'healing process'... how long does it take...I have no idea. Like any addiction, they get in our blood and can consume our thoughts and judgements He was my best friend, so much of my time was spent on him, with him and about him that we will now have to re-program ourself to a new way of life. This is not easy. My friends and family cannot understand my sadness as well. They tell me I am so much better off, have so much to offer, he was a user blah blah blah. Yes, I know all this but bottom line, I miss him! God, how I understand. I swear, I never want him back, would never take him back but it still does not take away the pain or fill that void. Time, this message board, caring people, reading, praying and hobbies etc will help. The memories never leave us, whatever2009, but to me its like a deep open wound that will eventuality scab over but it is always there. Maybe that is good, it can be a forever reminder of how we should NEVER allow ourselves to be treated again. Be gentle to yourself my friend. You are not alone.

There's nothing wrong with you and it has happened to all of us. If you were able to get through yesterday and the day before with NC, you can get through today and tomorrow. There is a part of your brain that understands what you need to do and there is another part of you, the addicted part. What you think you are feeling--"love" should not be confused with the need to fill what feels empty because he is not there. You gave him so much of yourself during your relationship and now that he is no longer there you feel a huge void. Remember, he was never really there. You were involved in a strange symbiotic-parasitic relationship where he was feeding on you. His neediness was not love, and you do not need to have anyone need you in that way. Try to find a strategy for NC that works for you. Journaling, rewarding yourself for a day of NC, gold stars, whatever works for you. Do things for yourself and be selfish. Eventually you will see "all about me" feels so much better than "all about him". You can do it

You are not stupid at all. you are a kind person who saw something in him that other people don't see. you just paid a high price for trying to help him. He is not able to appreciate or care he has no loyalty or understanding of his impact on others. he just lives in a control world where everyone eventually gets rid of him. He is not able to be a responsible partner. he can only fake being a responsible partner.

Im in the same boat .I have stopped talking to my friends about it as i know they just think im weak willed . They cant understand me and i have given up trying to get them to understand . I hate it when they say "just move on " dont they think i would if i could ! I had a weak moment to day and entered into a conversation with him on IM . He wrote me 2 emails yesterday saying he wanted to see me as he has money to give me . I think i know the reason i spoke to him today and it was to see if he really was a narcissist , i wanted to apply the knowledge i have gotten from this site and have a conversation with him to see if it all fits . Guess what , it does ! He started to talk about how i have stunted his development ...? i mean WHAT?.. Then he said that he wanted to see me and then he asked why a male friend contacted him to get my number ( intresting developments there as this guy is a Dr of music at cambridge uni no less !! now i know you arnt ment to date for 18 months but a girl has to recognise a catch when it comes along , i could take him to meet my mum which is more that i could do with my worm of a ns , anyway i digress )So he wasnt happy about that . The conversation went all over the place and it was all about him . He asked me no questions , he didnt ask how i was . In short i felt dirty when i ended the conversation . I went for a drive out in the fields by me and really the whole thing feels more like its clicking into place . but that missing thing is impossible to discribe . I have been addicted to things before so i guess it is in my nature more than most (clean now it was coke 7 years with out now ) Its not a sex thing as that was rubbish , its not a money thing as he had none, i supose all he had going for him was he was tall , but most men are taller than me . What was it ? I dont even think it is love . Its like trying to make sense of the sensless . So i understand what you feel . Its just time and no contact , easy to say i know . Almost impossible to do . Take care , big hugs , keep posting . Peru x

he is NOT making it impossible call your Cell Company and ask them to BLOCK his number. Delete Voicemail UNLISTENED TO BLOCK email and IMs there's nothing stupid about being targeted, lured, profiled, hypnotized and used because you were vulnerable. The stupid one is HIM. He's a predator... that's SICK. Journal! see a therapist who GETS it ASAP http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/03/when- friends-family-dont-get-it-about.html If you haven't read WWLP - get it. If you have it - read it AGAIN. You are NOT STUPID - you were a target! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

I understand that your friends don't get it, particularly if they had never experienced it. I actually kept my going back to him a secret from my friends. That was really my own shame, but I absolutely know they wouldn't get it, at all. This is so much bigger than just having "better self esteem". Actually, for me, everyone would describe me as a strong woman with healthy self esteem. There was a trigger for me with him. Although I did not have quite as difficult an upbrining as it sounds you did with alcoholic and N parents, I did have my share of struggles. Mostly, it was the lack of emotional and physical nurturance, which goes on in many households. For whatever reason, I was completely sensitive and deeply affected. Because of my lack of role modeling of what a healthy relationship would entail, and what a healthy nurturing bond of intimacy would entail, it has really been trial and error. Although I am a fairly well adjusted, very capable woman with a full range of emotional abilties, there was still something wounded within me. Although I did not realize it, I think the desire was sooo strong for intimacy and bonding within me that I even betrayed myself at times and went back. I knew I was going against myself, but I needed it. I needed to belief in his goodness and in my own good judgement too. I kept going back to test my version of reality. I am one of the most intuitive people I know. How could this have happened? Additionally, like all of us, I wanted and needed to be loved and respected. He had once done that so very well. How could I have really known it wasn't real. Perhpas my own ability to percieve real from fake was distorted by my own need. If I was addicted, then I was addicted to that. I wanted that back and my low sense of self lead me down a dark path of, "was I not good enough or did I do something to CAUSE this?" That becomes an addictive cycle of proving your worth and regaining the golden time you once had. Nonetheless, he was also just that masterful too at the con game, regardless of whether it was concious or not. The bottom line is that you feel terrible. Of course, you are vulnerable; he exploited that. Stupid- you are absolutely not. You loved with your whole heart and are now grabbling with a startling truth. It takes time to let that sink in and integrate. Of course there is an addictive component to it. Research has even shown changes in the brain of people in these types of relationships. There is no shame in that. I know you feel broken right now, but the peices can be put back together slowly, and most certainly, creating a stronger sense of you.

I feel your pain, sister! You are doing so much better though by maintaining NC!!! You have to look at the ability to even do that as a HUGE step. I know it hurts like hell, I know it really sucks for some time. At first, it's baby steps telling yourself, I 'won't answer him TODAY'. That gives you a bit more strength for next time so you can say the next day...I won't answer him TODAY.' Hon, it IS like an addiction. The only other thing I was ever addicted to was cigaretts. I quit 4 years ago because of an illness, and I couldn't smoke. It was the same principal, I would tell myself...well, I've gone a week, I'm gonna try for a month...etc. Then several months down the road, I was severely stressed about something, and picked one up, OMG..it made me nauseous, dizzy...I had to lay down for like an hour before I felt better. My body was telling me, TOXIC STUFF!! Just like our ex's...we respond, and what we're left with is that TOXIC yucky feeling. It's not easy...but if you can distract the hell out of yourself for the next month or so and not respond, I promise the FOG starts lifing and it does get easier. You will still have those moments...we all do, but it's more of the exception than the rule. Don't feel bad about yourself for experiencing this, it's normal. I still "miss" mine. But I know I miss Mr. Nice Fake guy. If he's being this obnoxious, I would go as far as to turn your phone off for a bit so you're not continuously bombarded. Mine was all sugary-sickeningly sweet for a while as well. But it's just all words, all BS, after a while, I was downright insulted that he thinks I'm gonna fall for nothing but FAKE sweet talk again. Contact will mean a merry-go-round and round and round...neverending cycle of abuse. Keep it up...you can do this!!

Maybe start journaling so your brain doesn't try and remember 'the good times' when he tries his false grand gestures to lure you back. I know it's hard That's why you are here, to get support to help you through this. I was away for four days (I still live wiht my N although there really is no realtionship anymore) and I felt like I was going through detox just because I didn't get to see him, even though we don't really talk and don't do things togethe anymore. The four days made me realize how physiologically I have been attatched to him because logically I know it is over, ESPECIALLY when he has a new NS and has TOLD me that 'there is nothing personal between us.' (yeah, okay, so thanks for saying you want to marry me and I am the perfect woman and after 33 years on this planet I am your best friend ever....'because there is nothing personal between us.' Ass. No, it doesn't make missing him any easier NOW, but eventually it WILL. Remeber you are going through this because he ISN'T a real person, if he was he wouldn't have hurt you and used you and then discarded you. Go ahead and vent, it is better than keeping it bottled up inside. Yes, he is an addition. He is not something you NEED but something you WANT. Keep strong. You can do it.