Broke NC...now a confession. Lol

Google some info on the hormone "oxytocin". This is what helps to turn the great dysfunctional sex into addiction...literally. When you realize that your biology is hardwired to bond you and bind you, it helps give perspective to the severity of what you are dealing with. Cold turkey through NC is the way to overcome this. I am in my 40s and had previously not gone longer then 3 weeks without getting laid, since I became sexually active in my teens. Getting control of my oxytocin addiction has been the most difficult thing I've ever done. Going NC caused me to have physical withdrawal and there were days when I thought I would literally die from not having sex. There is so much working against us in the Ns favor...that is what keeps us stuck.Our hormones really do cloud our judgment.

Replace the word "him" with "heroin" or "crack cocaine" and it becomes easier to understand. Both drugs have a powerful pull but the consequences are horrendous

Crazy Train, you are not stupid, it is hard to resist the powerful energy they use to draw us in. There was a time when I felt exactly the same, that he was my soul mate, that I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. That was the number one reason I resisted my own instincts which I confused with just being my fear. I wouldn't listen to where that fear really came from because I was drawn to him like nothing I have ever experienced before. You are so freshly out of the relationship. For me it's been 2 years and I would still likely experience those 'fireworks' were I to actually be close to him again. It's hard to stay away, yet not staying away keeps sucking our life spirit out of us... perhaps that is the real cause of the fireworks - all that energy exploding with nowhere to really go and we are left feeling even emptier than we were while adjusting to NOT being with them. You will know when you've had enough, but it's true, that might be a much worse place than where you are right now. I know I let it go WAY to far and suffered WAY more because of it. The ending is never fun with a narc and when it happens over and over by repeated hoover, devalue and discard, there is no happy ending and the longer the story drags on, the sadder and harder it gets. It is up to you to chose the ending and close the book. ((hugs))

I know exactly what you mean. Everytime my N would D&D me when I finaly saw him his sheer presence made me forget (temporarily) everything he had done and all the hurtful statements he had made to me. We had this chemistry that could not be denied anytime we were in each other's company. I have never been that way with anyone, EVER. There is going to come a time when he will do something that triggers your memory of everything and you won't be able to stand him. The last time I saw my Narc, I couldn't even look at him, I was sick to my stomach. He saw it in my face he said, "that looks like hate" and I said "more like disgust!" I was finally seeing myself for the fool I had been and even though at that moment he was handing me money I knew he did not really care about me... I miss him though... which is what makes this whole process so hard...

I've broken nc what seems like a million times in the past by responding to him and yes its been fireworks. I know that feeling well. Only this time I truly don't want to break nc. I hope he doesn't contact me. Its only day two of nc but the relief and peace I feel is truly wonderful. I hope it lasts. I've been back too many times now just to be feeling miserable and confused within days. Everytime he has treated me worse than the time before. I don't even feel the urge to say anything to him because I know it will just be twisted. I don't like his terms. Simple. I'm trying to simplify things because that's what I need to do. I hope to god that if he does make contact or turn up there are no fireworks. I've been burnt too many times

With me it was a pretty potent cocktail of: Strong sexual attraction Uncertainty about the future (reminded me of home) Fear of abandonment, the unknown, pain (reminded me of home) Desire to comfort and heal a hurt kid (nurturing and maternal instinct, learned at home where everyone was hurting most of the time) Stubbornness: the stubbornness that takes on an impossible task (loving someone who is fundamentally unlovable and failing to give up when it was obvious to everyone except me that I was fighting for a lost cause) - reminded me of home. Yeah, I felt I`d "come home" with him. That feeling of being soulmates, of belonging together, of being "at home with him" should have been an immense red flag, and wasn`t, because it felt so good for the first few months. Sex did the rest. I should have run like hell and didn`t. I`m still not sure if I`m sorry or glad that I didn`t. But I`m damned glad I ran when I did. And there`s no way I`m ever going to respond to those particular fireworks again, because they`re not fireworks, Crazy Train - they`re approaching falling bombs. Get in the shelter while you`re still breathing (the shelter is NC). And survive. Love, Tigerlily

Perhaps time for some therapy with a professional well versed in personality disorders, it may bring you the answers you seek.............

What was that Sparrow said? Don't look at him with only one eye? The eye that's open right now sees chemistry, connection, charisma...the three evil C's! I'm going to remind you of what YOU told us about this guy, in the hopes that maybe you will open your other eye, too. "...Add to that his temper tantrums, constant lying, secretive lifestyle, prescription meds addiction & my extensive Google research that uncovered more than 50 arrests...and you can understand why my head is still swirling. Oh & you'll enjoy the fact that he actually admitted to taking NLP training for his job in sales." "My friends nicknamed him the "Crazy Train"....being with him put ME on the train.....I'm smart and successful at my job, but his nonsense had me thinking that I was actually losing my mind. I couldn't eat, sleep, work, etc. When I was in his presence, he was so charming that it literally took my breath away. But in reality, what he took away was ALL my self esteem & my sanity." Life is all about choices. When you choose a Cluster B, the good NEVER comes without the bad.

it happens to the best of us. when will it stop? when you deem yourself worthy enough to not tolerate an abusive man in your life, or bed. on some level, you don't believe you deserve better than this asshole. truly, it boils down to what you believe you deserve. you know what he is. the charisma is a smokescreen. to lure you back in.

You're not going to believe this but I think you are doing great!! Hell if it was as easy as yup, NC.. Fuck You !, we might all be learning to bake the perfect cupcakes on the Martha Stewart site! This is a headfuck at it's finest.. You were in love with crazy train!! He flipped a switch and changed the game!! You know what he is, accepting it comes with time!! Yes, NC is your vengeance and NC will save your soul.. The only one that can make that work is you!! I spoke with you today.. You told me all about this guy.. A normal person would think you are out of your mind!! This guy is a huge loser!! Loser is all he has going for him.. He sucked you in.. You have a future a head of you.. He has NOTHING!! This is one moment of your life.. One moment.. Get past this and follow the rules.. Got it?? Now let's go for day 2... Hunter

I know exactly how you feel. EXACTLY. I don't feel that way anymore but I certainly did. Being with them is ilke entering fantasy land again and of course it can feel good - especially if you aren't in an acute anger phase and pain and you honestly don't remember how bad it was. But I'm sure it was bad. very very bad. I don't know but I would venture to guess is that part of what you feel is SERIOUS PAIN RELIEF. It is the feeling of having a feeling go away and replaced with the fantasy of love and a future together that you always wanted. you are in withdrawal and have been given a little bit of the drug. But like all drugs, you will regret this in the morning. Thinking of you and hoping you stay strong!

Your response to him is completely normal. Many/most of us have had the same. That's why NC is so important and is the only answer. Staying committed to it is the only way not to let this happen again. The thing that is different with your situation now is that you KNOW what he is. Intentionally putting yourself in a situation of abuse is very troubling, but people sometimes do it. I often wonder about the women who have come and gone from here, knowingly keeping themselves in a situation so much worse than what they deserve because they can't shake the same thoughts you are having. The best advice I can offer is not to entertain the thought that being with him is a possibility simply because he is pathologically ill and that will never change. It sounds horrible, but it is true. He can't.

"HOW will I go thru my life without seeing this person and having him close." If I was within two feet of my exN, the only reason I would be jumping his bones is to knock the friggin snot out of him. I get the chemistry part. I really do, but n/c is the only way.

But in your post you sound really happy. It doesn't sound like you really want him out of your life. That you are somewhat joking about the pain you are certain to experience concerns me. I always go back to what Hunter once told me: When you have had enough, you will stop. It's time to ask yourself if you really WANT to be rid of him. If you do, then NC is essential. Xoxo

Crazy train, you are two weeks into your journey. This is NOT a surprise, whatsoever..........we have all been there. The only thing that concerns me, just a little bit, because I take into consideration the time frame of where you are in your journey........that you lack regret. Don't take that the wrong way, please. It is not meant as a judgement, just an observation. Typically, when someone sets NC into place, they are filled with absolute desire to remove this person from their lives, from their head and heart. And when they falter, they are devastated. You seem someone overjoyed, kind of like the cat that caught the canary. Again, not judging, please correct me if I am wrong. You seem to be overjoyed, experiencing fireworks.........in most circumstances, one feels defeated, regretful, at a loss.............. With that said. Please know that we can all relate, if we were honest. We would all LOVE to have everything wonderful again, perfect, fireworks.........but we know that it can not possibly be. What you are dealing with right now is a feeling of elation, one that will eventually turn to sorrow. I don't mean to burst your bubble, because, believe me, it's a beautiful place to be. But please be warned, the worst is yet to come. Breaking NC is probably the most common set back in ones journey. Nope, I take that back. Breaking NC is the most common setback...........that is why it is the number one rule to abide by if you want to heal. It takes us, most of us a few times to learn that though, and you will.........just please be careful. As very wise woman told me once to "not look at him with only one eye". It was probably the best advise I have ever received in my life. My best to you in your recovery, and please know that we are here for you. That will never change. But, please be prepared for different opinions, outlooks and views on this post. And don't take any of them personally...........you may not like all of the posts you read, but that is all part of the forum and part of your support. Stay strong my friend!