Broke up 6 months ago

14 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 13 - 1AM

solost

Broke up 6 months ago

First I was de-valued, then I was replaced, then I was discarded. He dumped me 6 months ago, I went NC 4 moths ago. Now he has replaced my replacement and all the while since I went NC he acts like I never existed. Ever.

And it still hurts like crazy. Why do so many other exN's try to keep some kind of contact but mine has forgotten I even exist? I think this is what bothers me so much and I can't seem to wrap my head around it or let it go!?

#2 Sep 13 - 9PM

solost

Thank you

Thank you all for your replies. I cried so hard while reading them, especially some of the points MsVulcan made really hit hard. You ladies and this board have been invaluable to me though I don't post much cuz I still find it too painful. But I'm here everyday reading all the posts, grieving and rejoicing with you all. I've learned so much here and I honestly believe I would not be as far as I am if it weren't for this board and y'all.

#3 Sep 13 - 11PM (Reply to #10)

MsVulcan500

Solost,

I'm sorry if I said anything too hurtful, that was not my intention. I really do want you to see that it is not personal, even though it sure feels like it. I mean that him being an ass has nothing to do with you, or who you are. it just means that he's a narc ass. You are a wonderful person and it is certainly his loss that you are gone, and as you learn more about him and that he has virtually no chance of changing, you will become stronger and it will be easier for you to blow him off when he does come calling. And he will. And I know it doesn't seem like it, but it is a blessing that he is leaving you alone. It's actually easier to remain NC when you are not being barraged with emails and texts all the time until you just want to scream. This helps to give you that clarity to see how things really were, and that you don't want to go through that again. What he doesn't know is that the longer you are away from him, the more you are learning and the stronger you are getting. Take time, be kind to yourself, try to enjoy YOUR life and in time you will notice that you will notice that you went a day without thinking about him. **HUGS**

#4 Sep 14 - 6AM (Reply to #13)

gettinbetter

solost

Mine isnt really trying to contact me now either except for the unknown call but he is also is famous for giving me the silent treatment. He was in one of those phases when I just decided Im not texting him anymore. No more. Mine is an extremely attractive man so Im sure he has plenty of supply. Im too much work living 300 miles from him. So I dont expect to hear from him other than just to make sure he can get to me if he needs to. Dont feel bad it is a blessing but I have a feeling he'll turn up when you least expect it maybe years from now. Be prepared.

#5 Sep 13 - 11PM (Reply to #11)

solost

MsVulcan

No you didn't say anything hurtful, you said things that were very helpful, insightful and actually made me feel better. I know that it's better that he's not trying to contact me I just felt like maybe I was the only one whose ex wasn't and it was making me feel worse. I don't know why this hurts me so much other than the reasons you guys offered which really did help even though it hurt. I still hurt, miss him, and have love for him so NC is best cuz if he were to contact me today I don't know that I'd be strong enough to walk away. And walk away I must. It was a horrible "relationship". But after the things we'd been through and how I stood by him when others were accusing him of horrible things, for him to act as though we never were and I never existed hurts more than I can put into words.

#6 Sep 14 - 12AM (Reply to #12)

Susan32

No contact from the Narc...

It's painful, isn't it? You miss him, and at the same time, you don't. I haven't heard from the ex-Psych professor in a decade... but then again I initiated NC, mainly for safety reasons. Not long after I graduated, that December, I sent cheerful thank-you cards to ALL of my professors, each one... EXCEPT him. I was too angry. Too hurt. If I had sent anything, it probably would've been an obscenity-laced rant. I don't hear much from most of my former professors... so it doesn't hurt that much, but still, considering the time and care I spent with him, yes, it DOES hurt. I was his student, he was my teacher... yet he acts as if I never existed. The ex-P always went quiet on me when he realized I was in the right, or if he felt guilty. Or scared. Or if I had exposed him. So that's how I'm interpreting it. Not as the silent treatment... but his grudging "you were right." And if he knew what I was saying about him online (tho I haven't referred to him by name), he'd be absolutely crushed, because he HATED being mocked more than being hated. He preferred outright hatred to ridicule. I don't talk about him online the ways I do my friends&family. I've stopped defending. If he were to see what I'd written here, he'd be pure rage and envy... and betrayal. He was always afraid that I was mocking him behind his back... and his worst fears would've come true.

#7 Sep 13 - 1PM

Briseis

I think what hurts most

I think what hurts most about being discarded is that you wonder if you really are just a piece of trash, so unimportant and unworthy that you could be tossed aside and forgotten. Try to remember WHO discarded you. You weren't discarded by a decent, loving, respectful and compassionate man. You were discarded by a Narc. And in your own words, he's gone on to discard a few others after you. There are another couple of women he's done the same thing to as he did to you. I had a Narc that clamped on and wouldn't let go. I used to wish I was lucky enough to be discarded, until I realized that being discarded has it's own particular kind of pain :( It's not YOU, dear. Some Narcs discard, some clamp on and you wonder if you'll ever get rid of them. They stalk, they text, email, voicemail, show up at your work/front door, they beg and promise to change, they sent flowers and gifts. Believe me, that REALLY sucks too. Whether they discard or cling on for dear life, it means NOTHING about US. It's not that we are so lovable and worthy that some Narcs cling on. It's not because we are so unworthy that some Narcs discard us. It is not US at all, it is the particular Narc, and there are both kinds.

#8 Sep 13 - 6AM

Alive

solost

My ExN appeared again after 4 years! although he is the father to my children and i still seen him ie drop off and pick up times he texted me 'Its a shame we could not meet up now and again' Red flag here- 'now and again' i didnt know at the time he was a N. So i met up with him. fast forward a year or two and i am in NC with him. Maybe he has New supply? Maybe he is still keeping track of you? I dont know but from my experience they never let go regardless if you have children with them or not. Do you feel that you would talk to him? I think that's the question i would be asking myself. Did we ever exist with the Ns?

#9 Sep 13 - 5AM

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

Early days

It's early days yet....you never know what's hanging until it drops..he probably thinks it bothers you that he is ignoring you. They love to have the power and control. I have been split 8 months and NC 7 and not heard a thing from mine in 7 mths but these sort of people have a tendency to pop up years later. I truly hope mine doesn't, I doubt very much if mine will but I never say never. Years ago I was with a N/P and he tried getting back 12 mths after we parted and has been trying to this day and it is been 8 years since we split. They seem to think they can treat you like crap and put you through hell then come back later and press the re-set button and start all over again.

#10 Sep 13 - 5AM

desprathousewife

My theory?

Oh he won't have forgotten you exist, it sounds to me after reading so many other stories on here that yours is so full of new supply that you arent needed...YET! Some on here have said their ex N's have been in touch a whole 15 years later and they have suffered even more the second time around. I'd thank your lucky stars that he isn't trying to hoover you back in and you can concentrate on getting stronger and stronger and then when he eventually DOES get back in touch you will be strong enough to stay NC. I've been NC for only 5 weeks and mine has contacted me repeatedly. I havent responded at all, but mine is desperate for me to drop assault charges against him else he probably wouldn't be in touch either. Oh and he definately won't be in touch again now as he was arrested last week for breaking his bail conditions. Try and focus on you moving on without him in your life, you are so much stronger this way. Bet you he will get back in touch at some point in the future when his supply dwindles and then you can tell him to BOG OFF, not literally of course, just in your head. The silence you give will be torture enough for him :)

#11 Sep 13 - 7AM (Reply to #5)

Alive

Bet you

he will! you are right. My exN was trying to contact me through our child over the telephone the other evening.He went into a rage with the child!!!! Nothing from him for months(although still seen his child)but only for a total of 7 days out of 3 months! Then i found out that new supply went on holiday so you can just imagine what come next.I am learning fast now and i am educating myself.I thought to myself 'please come back new supply' lol. He has even contacted the school. They (N) try anything for attention and old supply(me)or new supply. 'the silence that you give will be torture enough for him' So true, so true. This is killing my ExN. It has taken me eight years to understand this but boy i will stay NC forever now. I just need a little more time on how to deal with a N when you have children with them. Thankyou all

#12 Sep 13 - 5AM

MsVulcan500

Solost,

There are a couple of different theories of why he may not be trying to contact you. One is that he has new supply and doesn't need you right now. The other is that he knows you have seen through his BS and that you will expose him to others or at least never fall for it again. Remember, you are an object to him like a toy to play with. When he gets a new toy, you are put aside until the new toy starts to bore him. He then may try to come back to the old one for a while. And you are expected to have been sitting and waiting for him. I'm sure you've noticed the people on here who have been contacted again after 15 years! Crazy!! So, he could just be busy with other supply for now and you are still on hold. Also, time doesn't seem to move for these people as it does for us. They think they can come back after months or years and just pick up where they left off. The other thing is if he felt that you were really getting stronger and you may not fall for it again, he may never contact you. At that point it becomes more work to try to get you back than to just find someone new to mold into his sick little world. They always take the easy way in everything they do, and he may know that you are not the path of least resistance anymore. It's hard to say what is going on with him, and I know how it hurts to feel that you never mattered enough to him that you don't even exist now. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way, but it will pass. It takes time, and it takes work. He is not out having the better life that you are imagining he is having. You will heal and come out of this stronger and happier, and he will never change.

#13 Sep 13 - 9PM (Reply to #3)

almostlydia

Solost

I'm so glad you come here everyday even if you don't post. Please feel free to post, we are here for you. I can't add much to all the above because it is all been said so well. I used to wish that I could be one of the 'forgotten' because the mental hell that comes with being stalked and harassed constantly was to the suicidal level in the past. Not any more. But I see that being completely discarded has it's own mental pain. I agree completely however to not ever let your guard down. They never forget. We are all trying to reach the NC free zone of having no more influence in our lives. You have a head start with a different set of 'hurts'. In essence it is all the same. The exN (because I too refuse to call him mine anymore) can call me night and day but he still has his new supply in hand. Yours probably just has his new supply in hand and is not bothering to play his games on you. The message may seem different, as if constant calling means he actually cares, but the fact is it is exactly the same - they don't. We are the mice in a cat and mouse game. The best advice here - use your freedom to get yourself strong so that when he decides to use you as a mouse again, you are ready. Stay strong. It is not about you, but just all about him:) almostlydia

almostlydia

#14 Sep 13 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

gettinbetter

Yep

15 years later... Now I did friend him on FB but I swear It was just to see what had become of him. We have lots of mutual friends. I knew nothing of Narcissism. I figured what the heck and chalked our bad relationship up to being college kids and immaturity. I fully expected to see a family. Nope. Very Good Looking (I mean hot) now 43 and still single and was ready to pick up right where we left off only this time he wanted to finish the job he started which was the total emotional anhilation of me. PS Btw there are two of us on here that had them come back after 15 years so believe that they will turn up again but atleast now you are armed with information. I was not and Im paying for it now. I still dealing with the stuff that resulted from round 1 now I get to add round 2. It sucks!

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