A bouquet of flowers equals further torture

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#1 Jan 4 - 9AM

Gracerella

A bouquet of flowers equals further torture

18 months after deciding to divorce and NH is sending me flowers again, promising that he's changed, asking for another chance.

I've spent $20,000 in legal fees trying to get this finished. My new attorney is the one that has promised to wrap this up, but it will take another 3-4 months and us going to court for the judge to sign papers granting me a STANDARD divorce decree, with STANDARD visitation and support. I'm not asking for anything more than what the state allows, and am agreeing to the minimum on support and maximum on visitation.

And he still won't sign.

For 3 weeks of every month I am told how delusional, boring, selfish, and awful I am. I have bad skin, lack any kind of fashion sense, whatever friends I have only feel sorry for me, and what a good job I do at playing the victim. He can't believe he stayed married to me for 10 years, that he allowed me to stay home and 'take advantage' of him while I raised our 3 children, and he is demanding that I reimburse him for part of the mortgage for the years that I did not work due to staying home. Because I won't (and hello, DON'T HAVE TO), I am just proving to 'everyone' the type of person I have become.

But that 1 week a month he has reverse PMS...flowers arrive, and I usually start to cry (never in front of him). Because it means he's back to begging for forgiveness. For another chance. To realize that our kids deserve a whole, intact family. He's going to show me just how he can be better and stop talking about it. and by the way, here's a trip to mexico...just he and I...let's rekindle that spark.

Over Christmas Eve I saw notes he was making to himself, wondering what would happen if he crawled into bed with me (he was invited to stay and sleep on the couch as the snow was so bad). I locked the bedroom door as a precaution.

Included in that note was 'what if I kissed her. would she kiss me back?'. I haven't allowed him to touch me in exactly two years (after he told me to 'eff off' in front of friends, and I realized it was over).

So now we're back to roses and begging. Lighthearted attempts at getting me to give in and let down my guard, with a sinister edge that will reappear once he realizes that even this attempt will not work.

I have not wavered, not once. I have not given him false hope of any kind.

But he will not let go.

I am so tired.

#2 Aug 6 - 7PM

Amazed

THINK WORD SALAD

#3 Aug 3 - 10AM

Lineinthesand

UPDATE:

#4 Aug 5 - 7AM (Reply to #24)

abreva

Great Update - LineInTheSand

#5 Aug 2 - 9PM

Done sourcing

I've got this t shirt. The

#6 Aug 2 - 8PM

brinamarie

Sounds exhausting. I am so

#7 Aug 2 - 7AM

Pearl430

same thing

#8 Aug 5 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

abreva

We need to get over this!

#9 Aug 6 - 1AM (Reply to #20)

Pearl430

abreva

#10 Jan 5 - 2PM

terri

I'm back.

I've been silently reading the postings here for several weeks and until now didn't feel the urge to "speak up" again. But your posting Gracerella has motivated me to offer some of my own perspective. After almost a decade of the same crazy back-and-forth behavior that you're experiencing now, I finally (FINALLY) saw the light and stepped away from the insanity (about 11 months ago). Admittedly, it's ten times harder when you share children and are trying to imagine a future of "co-parenting". But here is what the last few months of NC have taught me: As hard as it is to imagine what your life is going to look like, it will begin to take shape and fall into place. The days will start to offer reminders of what "happy" and "normal" used to look like so you can mentally start preparing for those feelings to return to your daily life. You'll eventually relearn how to wake up happy and feeling positive instead of waking up to heartache, dread and worry every morning. You start to make the shift back to feeling like yourself again and little pings of joy and enthusiasm will start to appear again. As the weeks progress, you will experience more and more of what you've been sorely lacking in the years that you've been negotiating with the devil - and you will begin to actually BELIEVE that life is working itself out. Your friends and family will start to see that you are trying so hard to make the necessary changes to get back to a good place and they will respect you and encourage you. They will start to call you more because you are becoming fun to be around again. Your children will intuitively feel that you're becoming happier and calmer and they will also become happier and more joyful. The Law of Attraction (yes, this is actually at work in our lives) will begin to send you the GOOD things you've been wanting because you're focused on moving forward to what you want and thinking less and less of the trouble caused by the ex-narc. Before you know it, you stop to discover that life is actually feeling GOOD again and the credit for this remarkable change goes completely to you - because you listened to that voice inside yourself that said - STAY AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK!! You can do this and everything will work out for you once you leave Narcville. There are so many of us who have made the leap of faith and refused to re-entagle ourselves with the narc-devils. Hang in there my friend. I'm sending many many good thoughts your way!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#11 Jan 5 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

Gracerella

Thank you, Terri You

Thank you, Terri You absolutely speak the truth. I am no longer the same person I was when we were together, and the minute he moved out it felt like a weight was lifted that I didn't realize had been there for 12 years. Of course, then he started threatening to move back in if I didn't thank him appropriately enough. *eyeroll* I am SO CLOSE to living the life I want...so much happier, in control, settled and calm than I have been in probably forever. He will not let go of ME, but he can't control my mind or my heart. So while he digs his claws into every part of me that he can, while he texts and asks if our child made it to x's birthday party on MY weekend (knowing that we didn't go, but wanting any sort of footing he can get in criticizing me), wants to know my 'intentions' with my wedding ring, and generally nitpicks whatever he can...he can't stop me from waking up happy, from being upbeat and positive, and from rolling my eyes at his pathetic attempts for attention. It's wonderful to see the kids and myself blossom while out from under his thumb, and he hates that as well. I am thankfully, FINALLY, in good legal (albeit, expensive) legal hands and I've been all but promised to be divorced by the time my birthday rolls around in April. I just want april to be here already. As close as I am to living my life, I am ready to FULLY live it.

#12 Jan 4 - 8PM

gettinbetter

You should ask him why the

You should ask him why the hell he would want to reconcile with a woman who has bad skin,is selfish, lazy and has no fashion sense. I mean really why would anyone want to reconcile with someone with all of those qualities right? Ask him,quote him (they hate that) you should narc why would u want me back if I'm all those things. Make him admit that he was wrong or apologize hell really hate that. Then after he does tell him too fuck off after you have signed the divorce papers of course. Then say narc you didn't really think I was entertaining the thought of reconciling did you? Oh hell no I wasn't I just needed to play you

#13 Jan 4 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

Gracerella

trust me, I have

he almost always responds "You know, let's just not waste our time talking about the past. What's done is done. Things are spoken in the heat of the moment that aren't a true reflection of feelings...you've done it to me, too. Let's just look FORWARD, into the FUTURE, and forget all the negativity of our past and move on together" and this is when I smash my head against the wall in frustration I also tried the "you are SO RIGHT! You DESERVE to be with someone that doesn't forget where she put the remote control, someone who always has good fashion sense, someone who isn't 'lazy'. Someone who has worked as hard on herself as he has, has made as much progress as he has, and someone who is more his equal" that backfired pretty quickly too..."but you SAID I was evolved! That I've made progress! That you can tell I've been working so hard on changing!" and this is when I kick myself for trying to play mindgames with an expert.

#14 Jul 28 - 11AM (Reply to #14)

abreva

A standard line from the psychopath

#15 Jul 28 - 11AM (Reply to #15)

LoserFree

Abreva that is SO TRUE!!!

#16 Jan 5 - 11AM (Reply to #12)

mystwoman

"You know, let's just not

"You know, let's just not waste our time talking about the past. What's done is done. Things are spoken in the heat of the moment that aren't a true reflection of feelings...you've done it to me, too. Let's just look FORWARD, into the FUTURE, and forget all the negativity of our past and move on together" The way I see this, it translates into: "I was a total turd and treated you badly. However, that's done. Now I want you to pretend that it never happened, and let's just deflect the blame onto you. I need something from you at the moment, so let me screw up your life in the future (or until I get what I want and decide to leave)." I've heard this same type of garbage from xnh. You are correct. He's playing games with you. As for his, "Things are spoken in the heat of the moment that aren't a true reflection of feelings", your xn is totally incorrect. Things spoken in the heat of the moment frequently ARE a true reflection of feelings. Just let a good argument get going, and SEE how brutally "honest" people become. Trust me, I was not prone to telling xnh he was complete abusive a$$ when we were "close". That came out in extreme anger, and yes, that IS what I truly thought. When people are trying to get along, they're usually MUCH more diplomatic with their words. Besides, we ALL know that losing the remote is a totally heinous crime. How could your xn EVER overcome the emotional scars from that? rofl. As far as his "hard work" on himself goes, I think he'd better keep working. Apparently, his "sarcasm detection skills" are fairly weak. He missed it that time, when the sarcasm was coming back at him from you. I'm guessing that any "hard work" in your relationship was NOT coming out of him. YOU would be much more susceptible to working hard on yourself than any narc. In my xnh's case, he told me that there is NOTHING wrong with him. Well, I hate to break it to him but *I* see quite a few areas that need some serious "work". lol. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#17 Aug 2 - 7AM (Reply to #13)

Pearl430

so true

#18 Jan 5 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

jen79

OMG Gracerella

Sorry, but I had to laugh on this one, me too tried all these tactics above, and it always backfired, and at the end you ask yourself, who you have become over trying to win a mind fuck with someone who is the master in this. The only way is, not to respond, or injuring them so bad so they leave you in peace.

#19 Jan 5 - 11AM (Reply to #9)

Gracerella

tell me how to injure

tell me how to injure someone to the point that they leave. because I haven't found that to work, either. MONTHS after we separated and our divorce was in process (we've been separated for 18 months, divorcing for 9) I met and started dating someone. I didn't throw it in his face, for obvious reasons, but kept it 'just friends'. He found an email on my laptop while snooping from me to this man, and even though we were NOT currently dating until my divorce was final (per the advice of my attorney and therapist), my NH took it to be 'infidelity'. This has turned into the biggest nightmare, with him telling EVERYONE "we're getting a divorce because she CHEATED". WTF. Turns out, Narcissistic Injury is the worst way to piss off a Narc. All it did was make it worse for me. I don't think it's possible to hurt him enough to make him leave. Any sort of contact or interaction, positive OR negative, makes me his source. But being neutral, letting my attorney handle everything, not reacting and going as NC as I can with 3 kids and living in a home that he pays for doesn't work either. Someone tell me what to do. I'm at an absolute loss, and after all this time I think I *should* be able to go ahead and date. Why should he be able to hold me back and control me for one second more?

#20 Jan 5 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

Briseis

Oh and BTW, please go sign

Oh and BTW, please go sign up on the new forum!!! http://www.allaboutrecoverynetwork.com/home and now back to our feature presentation :D

#21 Jan 5 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

Briseis

Actually, there is a very

Actually, there is a very excellent "how to" on this. It's the best we know, and it might take a few months to actually work, but it does work. The really excellent thing is that you have all the control and he has none. It's called NO CONTACT. The worst thing you could do to a Narc is to completely ignore them. The live to see their "effect" on people because their primary modus operandus in life is to control everyone and everything. This is how to take your rightful control of your life back. You could go ahead and date if you want. You know you aren't cheating. No Contact means you ignore EVERYTHING he does, no response, no acknowledgment, no reaction, no nothing. It means you hold tight to YOUR reality no matter what he does. It means acting as if he doesn't exist. First they will up the ante and rage in an attempt to get you to do SOMETHING in response. Your job is to do nothing in response. Except of course when there is violence of some sort, then just call the cops. You still don't need to say a word to HIM. Pretty soon, because the Narc simply CANNOT exist without messing with SOMEONE'S head, he will give up and move on. It will go ever so much faster to the degree you don't react or respond to anything he does or says. MUCH easier said than done. But possible. And effective. Do you live with your stbx? How is it that he can get to your computer?

#22 Jan 4 - 12PM

Briseis

Holy mother of god. You are

Holy mother of god. You are living in some version of Hell :(

#23 Jan 5 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

Gracerella

Yes, that's exactly what it

Yes, that's exactly what it is. I never thought it could be this bad. Little did I know...

#24 Jan 5 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

Gracerella

Yes, that's exactly what it

Yes, that's exactly what it is. I never thought it could be this bad. Little did I know...

#25 Jan 4 - 11AM

Jean

Gracerella, you are

complete right and absolutely strong. You have done an amazing job in a terribly difficult situation. Keep doing whatever you are doing and he will eventually let go. I really liked "flowers = torture" - great mantra!

#26 Jan 5 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

Gracerella

thank you. I need to be

thank you. I need to be reminded of my strength and stamina at a time like now, when I am done, done, OH SO DONE.

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