boomer14's story

So hard for people in "normal" relationships to understand our pain......

This is my first time posting! After spending a few months reading and absorbing all the wonderful information on this sight I finally joined and am ready to participate.

I've learned many, many things about NPD and other disorders from this and other sights. It's amazing how all our stories are basically the same.

After being divorced for about 5 years I was SO ready to meet a great guy and have fun. Wow, what I got was not fun in any way!! Well, the first six months were. I met him at a graduation party, he gave me his number and said that if I wanted to go out sometime for a drink he would leave it up to me to call him. Sadly, I called and started a 9 year trip to hell! The beginning was absolutely amazing,like everyone else, I really thought I had met the man of my dreams! Instant bond, instant fun...bonded with my 12 yr. old daughter (at the time)..helped me, complimented me on what a great mother I was ( 3 kids), loved my house, etc. He had a second home in Arizona and talked about moving there one day. I made it perfectly clear that I did not want to EVER permanetly move away from my kids and family but that we could go back and forth. He agreed and seemed fine with that.

Long story short...the D&D started after about 6-7 months and I was so confused...I was working hard, raising kids, etc. He lived 45 minutes away and had a weird work schedule so we didn't see each other everyday but always talked several times a day. When the insults started I was shocked. Then the rage. (he actually told me that he was born with a rage inside him!!)The good days got fewer and fewer and farther apart. We tried living together but he ended up walking out on me many times. He would hang up on me, not answer his phone, leave extremely abusive voicemails on my phone, twist things to rationalize his behavior, etc. I was in a fog....he blamed me for everything that happened in his life! He fought with people at fault. His son's fault. Oh, two different son's with two different women. Both of them were whores, cheater's, terrible mother's, etc. He would leave, ignore me for days, weeks and sometimes months. I was always the one trying to get through to him. I felt sorry for him and thought that no one could possibly want to act and think like that! I was convinced that my devotion and love would magically force him to get help! Because I was older (50's) and divorced (husband cheated...horrible divorce!) I was determined to make this relationship work. I truly loved him and felt like love would conquer all.

It finally got so bad that it just started fading out. I was relieved when he would leave me alone but then wanted him back desperatly. Email became my way of trying to get through to him.

He called me and wanted to say goodbye....he had decided to quit his job (using "mental disability" as his reason...still gets paid, benefits,)..and move to Arizona. I went and it ended ugly. He couldn't talk like a man so he instead started in on me and all my faults and how I ruined our relationship. I ended up leaving after he physically abused me. Up until then it was emotional and verbal abuse. He moved, called me a few times, wanted me to go out there for a weekend, I said no (although I admit that I was tempted)...and then didn't talk for a few months. I really thought that the time away would be beneficial for both of us and that somehow things could be salvaged between us.

Please keep in mind that I knew nothing about NPD at this point, even after 9 years of this rollercoaster. He had been labeled bipolar so that's what I thought I was dealing with. so, I sent him a nice email in June asking him how things were going, etc. Two days later I got a reply. It was " I'm happy. I'm married." ( we had been engaged after about 2 years of being together but I was smart enough to know that it wasn't going to ever happen if things didn't change). I checked it out through a mutual friend and he did indeed get married!

I thought at this time that I was getting over him but him getting married sent me into a huge downward spiral. I exchanged 2 emails with him after finding out and he basically acted like I never existed! He suggested a Budhist book to me for my "suffering". Ha, I made sure to let him know that I wasn't suffering,just confused by his behavior. I wished him well and never contacted him again.

You would think that after 9 years of abuse that I would be glad that someone else got stuck with him, but I'm not quite there yet. I do know that he will not change for her or anyone else. I remember him screaming one time that "if I'm ever with another woman she will do as I say"! My reply: "good luck with that".

I am in therapy with a therapist that is knowledgable in abusive relationships. I read, research and read some more! I try to keep my mind off of him/her but have a hard time. It is getting better though. Slowly. Very slowly. I am just shell-shocked,worn out from caring and absolutely amazed at myself for staying so long.I am usually a very strong woman and the fact that I fell for this man and all his abuse really hurts and makes me feel ashamed of myself. I know that my kids lost alot of respect for me and that hurts alot! It truly was like being in a drug induced state! ( i've never done drugs, but that's what I imagine it to be like). So, I was lonely 9 years ago and I'm even lonlier now! Plus now I have horrible memories that play over and over in my head.

I wish I had been stronger and looked out for myself better. I am learning though and am determined to get healthy again. If I could stop just one person from continuing in one of these "relationships" I would be ecstatic. What a waste of some valuable years!!

I have very few people that understand the pain in all this. Not many people liked him so they, of course, feel it is a blessing that I am no longer with him. It is a blessing and I know that deep down but my heart and head just haven't fully absorbed the info yet. Thanks for letting me tell a small part of my story! God bless every person on this sight that shares and offers encouragement to others. It's wonderful!!!

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