bluenomore's story

Where Do I Begin?

Wow. It's taken me awhile to get to this point. 5 years to be exact. Thanks to this site and some others, I have come to the horrific realization that I have been married to a Narcissist for 4 and half years. What a f'ing nightmare.

I met my nh when we were both working second jobs in a restaurant. I had just broken up with a long-time bf and was looking for another bf to take my mind off the last one. He was waiting for his high school sweetheart to come to live with him. When he found out I was a teacher, he set his sights on me and never let go. The day before he was to go and move her from TX to FL, he called her and told her it was off. She had quit her job and boxed all of her belongings up. That should have been my first clue, but instead I felt so lucky that he picked me. I also overlooked the fact that he spent two years in prison for domestic assault on his baby's momma and hasn't seen his baby since. After all, he was handsome, had a 3 bedroom home, no kids, 3 Corvettes and a two good jobs. He was awesome in bed. I was on cloud nine. My two kids (then aged 14 and 9) liked him at first, but later saw through him and moved out.

That was Sept. 2007. We married in Feb.'08. That's when I began to see how he really was. The first incident occured when we had friends over for a cookout. I put the cooked steaks in the microwave. He called me a fucking idiot and a fat ass. He said if I didn't like it, I shouuld do something about it. I went to the bathroom and cried. When I came out, he was waiting in the dark hallway. He grabbed me by the throat and pushed me through the bedroom on my tiptoes and pushed me in to a wall, and spit in my face, "Don't you dare embarrass me, bitch!". I did a couple of shots and ignored him for the rest of the night. I just got worse from there.

Eventually, all of my family and friends saw through his mask, but I still felt I was a really lucky woman. After all, who would want a 40 year old woman with 2 kids? Never mind I was/am beautiful, smart, funny, and had a great job teaching. I had my own home and paid off car. I was perfect Narcissistic Supply bc I loved him and hung on every word.

We enjoyed our cars, jeep, and boat. He is still a show-off with 5 cars. Anyway...one day after boating, we road home together and got into an arugement. He said, "shut up, cunt, or I'm gonna punch you." I said, "go ahead." Dumb move. I got punched in the head. I left and went back to my mom's house- for about 2 weeks.

The lies, gaslighting, and abuse continued. I tried to commit suicide twice in 2008, I thought I was going crazy and did a lot of drinking to numb myself and cope. I left again in early 2009. My daughter (then 10) and I moved back to my mom's house. My son went to live with his dad. I still had my teaching job and my car and my friends. I managed to have no contact with him for a few months. however, I gave in one night and called him. He had moved to TX for a new job.I was devastated. When school was over in June, I moved to be with him. My daughter wanted nothing to do with it. She had seen too much. She went to live with my parents. We lived in a motor home in TX for 3 months while I looked for a teaching job. It wasn't easy to get certified and he always blamed me for not working hard enough. Never mind I had a part-time job and he was making $90k a year. He always wanted more.

We moved into a house in Oct. 2009 and he "let" my fly to see my kids and parents at Christmas time, but not before he made me feel like shit for using my own money to buy a few cheap presents and a plane ticket. Got a lot of hair ripped out in those days. I came back and things were still abusive, mostly verbally and emotionally. I was drinking a lot and taking Xanax to cope. That was our problem, he said. There was a lot of gaslighting and other crazy-making bc I thought I was not remembering things correctly. I finally had enough in March 2010. I made arrangements to move to Naples and stay in a women's shelter and attend an out-patient rehab. I completed it and remained sober. I moved back to my parent's home and found another teaching job, got my daughter back and everything was going great. I was sober for almost a year.

Then the teacher lay-offs occured in June 2011. I got laid off. I was devastated. I called my husband and he said he'd take care of me. I packed ALL of my belongings, sent my daughter (now 13 years) to live with my parents, and he flew to Florida and moved me back to TX. The abuse began as soon as I unpacked. This time it was worse than ever. I was beaten almost every 2 weeks. I was called a worthless piece of shit .whore, fat ass cunt daily.

I tried to find a teaching job. Nothing doing in this economy. I waited tables at a restaurant and had to spend all of my $ on food, phone, and personal expenses. He still makes a lot of money but spends it on new cars, campers, motorcycles, whatever makes him look good. The longer I stayed, the worse the abuse got. I had 3 black eyes, countless bloody lips, endless contusions to my head, half of my hair pulled out, clothes ripped, personal possessions destroyed. It was awful. The emotional abuse was worse. To love someone so much and get nothing but sarcasim, abuse, or silence or abandonment (I spent Christmas alone while he went to see his family). He often would leave after a fight and stay gone all night. He'd come home and wake me up with a kick in the side or drag me out of bed by my hair saying I f'ed someone (projection).

Anyway...I escaped last Saturday with my clothes and my puppy. I'm back in Florida with my parents and my daughter. I'm 45 years old, have no job, a car about to be repossed, no phone or furniture, but I have my self-respect. He emailed me a copy of a receipt from a lawyer. He put a $600 retainer down for a divorce. Thank God! Why does it hurt so much? Should I insist that I at least get a vehicle that's paid for? Of course, they're all in his name. Ugghhhh! What did I get myself into and why did it take me 5 years to get out of it? Why do I miss him? I've gone no-contact and I'm trying to get sober again. I might just even have my former teaching position back.

I have a lot to look forward to, but a lot to get past.

Thanks for listening/reading, y'all.

Lots of love,
Blue No More