blackbird1978's story

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#1 Jan 22 - 6PM
blackbird1978
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blackbird1978's story

Living with a narcissist

Hi

I'm here because I have finally came to the conclusion that my ex partner is a Narcissist, we have 2 children together so unfortunately I have to deal with him every day. Living with him was absolute hell, this is some of the stuff I had to put up with....

Constant name calling - fat, slut, slag, ugly, c**t etc…

Criticizing my parenting skills - He took my children to the police station to report me for neglect after I had took my children to a family barbecue where there was a few alcoholic drinks, may I add nobody was drunk.

Controlling - I once went out to a football match with friends, I said I would be home at around 6pm. I came home at 7pm instead and all hell broke loose, he pushed me over. Afterwards he said it was my fault because I was late!

Conversations were always one sided - he did all the talking, he never wanted to hear my opinion on anything. Never listened to anything I had to say.

Never has taken any responsibility over our break up, everything is my fault.

He though he was better than myself and my friends (they weren’t rich enough, or lived in the right area, or spoke in a certain manner) he would not let me spend time with them.

After I had accused him of being emotionally abusive he then said that I was the one who was abusive!

He used to make things up, once saying that I would often go out shopping and never come home. This NEVER happened!

My best friend died suddenly and after a week, he was asking “aren’t you over this already? You have no time for me!”

At one point I found out he had been ringing sex phone lines and I was absolutely furious, I admit I lost my temper and I smashed a plate. He rang the police and got me arrested. I spent a week apologizing and the whole sex line issue was conveniently forgot.

This is when were in a relationship together, I honestly thought things would get better now that we are apart. But I find I'm starting to feel like I'm trapped because of the realization that this man isn't ever going to change and dealing with him is always going to feel like an uphill struggle. It has only just dawned on me recently that he perhaps has NPD so I have withdrawn from any contact with him unless necessary and try not to react to him. But the thing I'm finding difficult is how can I not react to him but regain at least some power regarding our children???

A few weeks ago I asked the ex if he could take the children on Saturday night coming because there was an event that I would like to attend, he said yes that would be fine. He phones everyday to speak to the kids and one day this week I had left my phone in my bedroom and when I checked it I had several missed calls and a text message saying that because he hadn't spoke to the kids that he would not have them overnight on the Saturday as I had requested.

He is also starting to be awkward with pick up times with the kids, always used to pick them up at 10am, then it changed to 11am and now he has decided that he is now picking them up at 11.30am, I did confront him and explain that I would prefer he could pick them up at 11am to which his reply was "I am a good Dad, I am a busy man and I need to go to the gym and I am picking them up at 11.30am, regardless of what you think or want". What I hate and I'm ashamed of is that when I have any kind of conflict with him I end up shouting at the kids and I know its not their fault.

I know this seems really petty to argue over 30minutes but its just the fact that he picks and chooses when he has his kids so basically our lives and plans revolve around when he decides to have the kids. I'm just very frustrated that this man is going to be in my life forever, I'll never get him to see things from my point of view, I'm worried if my children are going to pick up his behavior and selfishly I want to fight back, I don't want to be his doormat but I have no idea what to do?

Feb 2 - 1PM
BacktoMyLight
BacktoMyLight's picture

Hi Blackbird 1978... I hope

Hi Blackbird 1978... I hope you're well today. I'm wondering do you have any family that could help you with the kids? I know it's hard, but maybe if he didn't hold so much power if you had support from others to help that it may be less frustrating. I also am sure it's not that easy since your kids probably want to be around him as much as they can since he's being a "good dad" but he's not being a good person. Which will rub off on your kids. Who knows how he is with them when no one is around and it's not worth their damage. I am pregnant with the ex N's baby and hope that he does not make life hell for me.. like he said he would. My heart goes out to your story because I know it feels awful that he's in your life forever whether you like it or not when all you probably want to do is break free from his personality for good. I'm encouraged to tell you to pray for him, I pray to God to help the ex all the time (when i'm not busy crying or hating my ex for the abuse that is) but it's what gives me some hope that my child will have a good life regardless of what the ex chooses to do. I am 7 months and the ex went m.i.a. 2 months ago with no contact from him.. I tried to stay civil but a part of me hopes he never comes back again. The day my son wants to know him, I'm going to let him know it wasn't his fault his father left but that his father did not treat me well. I'll try to remember the good qualities to tell him too bc no matter what our kids will always feel that they are half this other person. Anyway, i know you feel guilty for taking it out on your kids. Try not to... it's not their fault. Be gentle with yourself and if your ex continues to try to control you with the children try to not need anything from him as much as possible and be honest with your kids. Sending light and love.. BacktoMyLight.
Jan 23 - 9PM
Hope
Hope's picture

Control

It's about control with him. I'd get a reliable babysitter and not depend on him. Also if it were me I wouldn't even want my kids with him anyway. Hopefully he will disappear. Welcome to the board. Stay strong for your kids.