A bizarre narc encounter this morning--I'm mad at myself but madder at him--help!

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#1 Jan 13 - 9AM

helldweller

A bizarre narc encounter this morning--I'm mad at myself but madder at him--help!

So you guys know he crosses the street when he sees me. This was funny and satisfying for the first two months, iknowing he was afraid of me or whatever. But it's gotten to me. The kids witness this--his little boy and my girls--and I really feel this is a terrible way to live, as insignificant as it is. It's just silly and childish and unfair to the children, who are very friendly with each other at school. He's pretty much teaching this child to be a jerk to my daughters because the narc can't be a man about what he did and talk to me and apologize.

So anyway, this morning I was walking home from school and he was walking TO school and when he saw me he and the child crossed the street. So I thought, enough. I crossed over and he crossed back. So I crossed back again and i said, "Don, please. Enough. It is what it is and it's over. This isn't necessary." I went to put my hands on his shoulders and just give him a kind look, and he completely blocked me with his free arm (he was holding the child's hand with the other) and pushed me out of the way, saying, "I don't have time for this." This was today, three days after he left a note on my car (about the fifth since I found out about the other women), saying, "Don't you want to save us? Tell me what you want." So he leaves me these notes and then gives me the A hole victim treatment in public.

My adult, sensible, non-grudge-holding self is trying to figure out a way to put this behind us and stop the goofiness. How can he possibly act like I did something wrong and he's the victim? Meanwhile asking me to talk to him?

#2 Jan 15 - 2AM

Disillusionedx2

HE'S A NARC

stay~striving

stay~strong

#3 Jan 14 - 10PM

helldweller

Thanks everyone

for supporting me yesterday, as always. This morning I put on my cutest coat and boots, teased my hair and walked my girls to school. I wasn't looking but thought I saw him across the street up ahead, so I held up my head and turned the other way to ask my daughter what we should cook for halftime during the Bears game on Sunday. My DAUGHTER, on the other hand, watched him pass and then gave him the old Brooklyn salute! Discreetly enough so only I saw. LOL Good for her! After dropping them off, I went to the coffee place where we met, where he goes for his free coffee every morning, and where I have been avoiding to avoid him. I was determined to have my coffee place back. No intention of "running into him" or anything like that. I walked in and got my coffee, and while I stood at the counter paying, i saw his car drive into the lot. He saw me, because the coward loser waited until I left to come in. So I took my sweet time, knowing he was late for work. I talked to the clerk about the lottery jackpot for the day and the mayoral race, and skimmed through a magazine. I knew the nervous norvous was spitting nails out in the car because he's a complete bundle of anxiety all hours of the day and night and he was already late for work. Then I left, making sure to smile a huge, beautiful smile at the cute guy who held the door for me on the way out, right in front of the narc's car. You know, it's funny, but today I realized that I am actually not as attracted to him as I was. That used to be a huge probelm with trying to get over him. I would wait at the window just to see him get out of his car and walk to his door. I thought he was so sexy. Now I really am starting to see the real him: the skinniness that is coming from smoking, lying, never staying home, and maybe having cancer. The deep, deep lines in his face. His stupid pug nose. His receding (now dyed) hair. The skin pigment that is gone from obssessive tanning. I never cared about looks. It was the charm and wit, the eyes and smile that guys always got me with, just as he did. But those things were signs of wonderful things inside; they were never without the bumbling, sweet heart to back them up. He's just a foul, empty ass. And his looks show it. His body is empty, lined, deflated. His skin, his veneer, is literally cracking. His hair is falling out, though no male in his family ever, ever lost their hair. Not even at seventy. I still hope--and I'm not proud of it--that he ends up in a wheelchair with a colostomy bag and maybe stroked out in his face so he can't turn on his smile anymore. I used to hope that he would become incapacitated so he would have to rely on me. Isn't that sad beyond sad? It's so evil, I know, but you know what? That would be the best god damned thing for him.

#4 Jan 13 - 6PM

lynn61

HD & friends

thank you so much for the honest post and the responses. it/they were excellent and for whatever reason struck a chord with me. how quickly we all forget that we are dealing with aliens who don't think, communicate or feel in a normal fashion. i love how i can jump on this site and be reminded so swiftly to LIVE ON!! thank you ladies. you're all so awesome.

really??

#5 Jan 13 - 3PM

onwithmylife

HELLDWELLER

I really liked what michele had to say about all this, you are looking for closure, common decency and an oz. of kindness perhaps, I was looking for closure as well as you know about he card I sent the dying Narc with cancer I got none,just more repulsive spewing of my being a "cougar on the world wide web", now i know how that he is BOTH mentally and physcially they are both destroying him and maybe that is the way the world operates. My sending my card to him out of care and concern for the man and his response, horrible that it was, gave me all the closure I finally after 2 freaking years NEEDED. You will need to realize this man, {and he makes mine look like a cousin of mother Theresa, with apologies to the saint}he is playing a cat and mouse game and licking his chops because he still can see he gets to you, comprende? Like Michele says walk the street ,do NOT give the bastard a sideways glance, pretend he is vapor and does not exist and YOU will feel much better. toss his notes, they are the messages of a mad man, who likes playing you for a puppet!!

#6 Jan 13 - 1PM

Jean

playing the victim

It's weird how they do this very consistently, even with minor petty stuff. I really can't figure out if they buy into their own bs with this, or if it's a crazy-making behavior that's thought out. Whatever way, it's very manipulative - and ultimately I think that's all it is, because he's done it before and it WORKS with some women - i.e. they believe they did something wrong! After my D&D I had an encounter one day in which he was in public and jumped and acted nervous and scared; next day in private, he gave me the glare and evil smile; next day, back to jumping and being nervous. WTF? I swear I actually believed I might have morphed in the Glenn Close character from fatal attraction during/after D&D, then later came back to sanity and realized I really, really hadn't NOT EVEN CLOSE (so to speak).

#7 Jan 13 - 12PM

Happy1

helldweller

I'm sorry you had such a bad morning. I know it's hard when you start getting into there world. He's playing a game with you. Cat and mouse game. You didn't run to him 3 days ago so now he's rejecting you. Narcs do not take rejection well. None of us do but they are horrid creatures. Anyway, just know that it's not worth pondering over. They love games and he loves to think he has you thinking about him. He loves that you chased him today. I want to slap that man very bad for you. Let me at him!! Happy1

#8 Jan 13 - 11AM

Hunter

Helldweller

I say stay on the other side of the street. You are the winner of the freakiest Narc prize. I woulnt want my kids any where around him. Take a match and burn his notes. You deserve better. It's selfish of me but thank God mine is in another state. Can you move in the spring? Oxox Idealk

#9 Jan 13 - 10AM

gettinbetter

Helldweller

I get where your at sista. This man was so horribly abusive to you. I think in your mind you want to rectify this in some way. I dont how to explain but I feel that to. I think you keep looking for closure but when you look for closure its only another opportunity for him to shit on you. I think you just have to get to a point where he just doesnt exist. Just like he did you. who cares if he crosses the street just let him do it and pay him no mind. The fact that you even tried to talk to him gave him supply. Hope you dont think im being judgemental in anyway trust me im the last person. I would say I am remedial in the recovery department. Helldweller my heart has felt hurt for you so many times I can even count. New Years Eve my heart broke for you when you made your post you sounded so lonely. I have since seen your picture. You are a beautiful woman and Im not just saying that to make you feel good. Its the truth. Live it. Own it. He never deserved you and he damn well knows it. Love yourself again not him. Once you do you are bound to meet someone else you are too pretty to sit home alone.

#10 Jan 13 - 10AM

michele115 (not verified)

Helldweller

You can hate it, but it is what it is... When you decide to release it, you won't hate it. As long as you hate it, you are attached to it emotionally as to hate something requires feeling... Hate is the intense opposite of love. Truly releasing is indifference. Now, you do have a choice here... When walking down the street, if your shoulders are back and your head held high - you might not even notice him. Kids are pretty resillient and rather wise...either way, the kids will handle their business and probably much better than the adults. How he's raising his little orphan, what he's doing, how many times he crosses the street, who he speaks to is no longer your problem is it? Who said it was your duty to ensure civil and amicable termination of the relationship? Is his message not clear enough? Your problem now is YOU!.... A little wisdom I posted on FB today which I think applies: It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell. -Buddha

#11 Jan 13 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

helldweller

michele

I love this. "Civil and amicable termination of the relationship." No, it's not my responsibility to accomplish that. And yes, his message is clear: "I'm a terminally angry, tantrum-throwing, hateful, screwed up three year old." Gosh, I wonder what he would have done with his life if his father's clout hadn't made him a lawyer and a judge? Fascinating.

#12 Jan 13 - 10AM (Reply to #9)

michele115 (not verified)

Heldweller

Now you're talking...you know...I think what makes us so crazed when we think about it is the notion that a screwed up jackass is actually "looking down" on us? the arrogance? the nerve? the audacity? What is really reeling at the end of the day I think - and I can only speak for myself...is our EGO got an arse kicking... Moreover WE KNOW we're actually superior to them in a number of ways...but we get stuck on: How the hell can he not see all that I am? I am a prize? Then I think if we thrive on a challenge, we get stuck on a loop cause it becomes this mental challenge kind of thing you know? In a sense - and I've played with this myself - the whole..."Okay, so you're an asshole, you hurt me, so how can I win this war? Oh, I know, I'll be the "bigger person"... Except Helldweller - these asshats do not get it no matter what. See, he's stuck in his universe...the universe of the disordered clowns...he can't reason...see, he knows you will react to his crossing the street and his "acting" like he doesn't want to be near you...it's all intermittent reinforcement...leave notes, get her going then pull the rug. This asshole is sick...like you said, Three year old temper tantrum throwing asshat... You ARE the bigger person, you ARE the better person, you ARE the smarter person, and HE CAN'T handle YOU...that's why he had to run and that's why he had to play his games. I wish you could feel and embrace what a jackass I see the narc as... Honey, listen to me...when you walk down that street - and I said it before in an OLD posting, you have to psych yourself out till you believe it...I want you to repeat in your head: "I own this road" and you walk down it, and you hold your head up high, and you put your shoulders back and asshat is INVISIBLE...you hear? NO MORE...and if he approaches you you keep walking...he's DISSED you enough...FYI - Diss is slang for disrespected...DO YOU HEAR ME HELLDWELLER? YOU OWN THE ROAD...ALL OF IT! He is insignificant...he's only important in HIS world, and you my dear, are too good to be associated with such...how can I say it?....Oh, yes...GARBAGE!!! OH and another thing...I want you to ruminate on the day we cracked up here when you were talking about him and orphan boy and we started to joke about him acting like Michael Jackson...I want you to cling to the visual of "blanket" with the burka on his head okay...cause to this day, that has me ROTFL...

#13 Jan 13 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

helldweller

michele!

Everything you said is right on! And I'm so glad you said the Michael Jackson thing, because that's exactly what I was thinking the past few weeks! I OWN THE ROAD!

#14 Jan 13 - 9AM

helldweller

Let me just clarify

that I'm not looking to be his buddy or his friend. I would, however, like some acknowledgement that we did freaking KNOW each other for four years. These are crazy things I want, arent' they? Why do I need this civility? This closure? I've never had an enemy, never held a grudge. I hate these new things in my life.

#15 Jan 13 - 10AM (Reply to #6)

gettinbetter

oh yes I totally get that

oh yes I totally get that too. I was with this man 7 f ing years in total have known him since age 17 and he acts as if I dont exist and he never knew me thats the one thing that I think still has me in so much pain

#16 Jan 13 - 9AM (Reply to #2)

spinning

They're perpetual victims...

remember? HD, my sister told me more than once as she was trying to get me to see the light about the Cluster(f'd)B I was involved with that with some people "nice doesn't work." This just may be that situation. From your posts you sound like a smart, pretty, fun woman with a lot to offer. I say don't worry about offering it to him...I know it's hard. I, too, have never had an enemy. Former lovers and I are still friends, still talk on the phone and write. I have a great relationship with my ex husband who would help me if I asked. The Cluster(f'd)B is the ONLY exception to this in my entire life and it is mind boggling. I am trying to let it go. He never was my friend, apparently. In his D & D I was to blame, of course, then he disappeared. Someone else is always to blame. I am sorry that you have to see your N but believe that you should not engage in anything with him as it will just hurt you continually. His push me-pull you behavior is textbook. Ignore it, I say. Just my two cents. Hugs to you HD. Sincerely (slowly slowing down at) spinning

spinning

#17 Jan 13 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

helldweller

spinning

Isn't it maddening trying to actually accept the things that we HAVE to just accept? Like that "nice doesn't work" for some people, as your sister pointed out? Here I felt, in typical "me" fashion, that I could really do something wonderful by not holding what he did against him, by offering to talk to him about it, by taking the higher road. Maybe he would learn a lesson, realize he didn't deserve to be forgiven but, alas, he was, and Amen and Alleluia he would try to change his life for the people still it. What a complete fairytale. I guess I haven't learned all that much after all :( Thank you, thank you, spinning. I'm going to just keep walking from now on. As my ex husband says, in his typical cold blooded journalist way, "It's a man's right to cross the street. Whether it's 'right' or not. F*ck him."

#18 Jan 13 - 10AM (Reply to #4)

spinning

Good!

Remember, sometimes "nice doesn't work." I agree and join you in a roaring chorus of "F*ck him!" Sincerely (somewhat slowing down from) spinning

spinning

#19 Jan 15 - 12AM (Reply to #5)

therose

Let me tell you...

something I remember my ex telling me about one of past realtionships and I think one of his longest at five years, he still, to this day, avoids the whole twon where she lives in, which I found completely odd and made him a prisoner to his feelings as if the town is now off limits. To me, what this person is doing is not the actions of someone in control of you, but one who is afraid and you are the one in contorl. I know that's hard to believe, but since what he told me, I really think it's true. His anger at you coming to make peace with him is not judging you but masking that fear with anger. He doesn't want to admit your the one in control of him, I mean, can't go in the coffee shop cuz you are in there? If that was you, who would you say is in control? The other person? So it is with him, YOU are in control here. I agree with all others, if he crosses the street, let him, and don't bother to notice it or give it any significance. Bullies are after all insecure scaredy cats who use tactics to show they are in charge, when everyone knows without their bullying behavour or intimidation, they got no backup and few who would stand by their side when the chips falls. It's hard to get to that place, but when he said that, I realized that's something to realize, this is actually intense fear masked as games to keep you guessing so he can feel strong (ie what a bully does) Hope that helps! I am proud of you because at least I don't have to be i the same place as mine, you are a brave woman! M

"do you believe that dreams come true? hold on to your dreams." - Madonna

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