bgirl's story

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#1 Dec 11 - 2AM
bgirl
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bgirl's story

He has destroyed me....not sure if I am strong enough to recover?

THE ONE THAT CHANGED MY LIFE! I wrote this not yet knowing about 'Narcissists.''

I am married and a mother of two children.
mY children are 11 and 12. They are academically accomplished and play elite level football (soccer) and athletics.
My son has recently gained National level representation in Soccer and my daughter the same in Athletics. She is also the ONLY girl playing the elite level of boys soccer in her age group in the state.
Her coach was very dedicated and had an obvious interest and seemingly caring attitude toward my daughter. He communicated regularly about her progress/performance and we became friends through our mutual love of sport, kids etc. (I am a Phys Ed teacher.) I will call him “M” for reference in this transcript.
M asked me if i could possibly help him with his coaching resume. This was no problem for me as i was experienced with this and have always helped people. (probably too much)
I would always be the parent who would take both of our kids to training each week. (220km round trip) I was always on my own, reading a book in the car at training.
One evening he came and sat in my car with me and at some point held my hand. I did not see this coming but it was like a bolt of electricity.
Everyday after that i was msg’d from him (up to 100 txts a day) Admittedly i responded. We talked about anything and everything.
My feelings started to develop or change over this period. I was distressed and very confused. I told my husband this. I also told M this.
I stayed away from training etc but he still sent me txts over the holiday period (xmas & birthday) and I was a mess. He told me he loved me and that ‘nothing meant anything to him anymore if i wasn’t a part of his life.’
I told my husband i had strong feelings for M which was very confronting and hurtful. He was extremely hurt but supportive as he believed there was no point being vindisctive or nasty as it wouldn’t change my feelings at all.
I told M that i had told my husband and he knew that he wasn’t going to pursue him with anger because he was supporting ME. I told M that i was in love with him and that I had never felt as strongly about a person before in my life. Honest truth to both men.
He msg me every day and we met up. He declared his undying love for me. I sat him down told him how messy it would all be, told him to tell his wife the things he thought he could get from me...to tlk to her about what it was he was needing...told him the gravity of the situation, how it would affect the kids, extended family etc.
He responded by assuring me he was ‘a big boy’ who knew what he was doing and he was quite annoyed that i was questioning his motives...he also told me not to lecture him as ‘he wasn’t one of my little boys that i teach!’
I felt I was being realistic but then i thought maybe I was being nagging??? I doubted myself.
He asked me to tee up things with my family which i did...i tlked to my mum, my kids, my husband, all very upsetting and confronting for them and myself. He told me he had to approach things his own way as he thought his wife wldn’t be understanding and would stop him from coaching his son etc. He didn’t tell his family a thing.
He moved out of his home and into his brother’s house...he met with me 3 times. He told me he wld need me more than ever, but he knew from the beginning that i could never leave my children...i was prepared to give everything else up for him but not my kids. He even asked me if i cld help him financially?
The last time he visited me he told me his wife had written him a letter. He said it was an appeal from her telling him all the things she wld change/ do etc...i said i didn’t want to read that as it wasn’t my business. I also said that by him leaving without being transparent, she now thought it was her fault and by deceiving her, was being so disrespectful and a false picture for her. I was very distressed. Then he suddenly says (IMMEDIATELY after being intimate with me btw) 'I think i’ll go back home.' I felt physically sick. Then he says...or maybe we shld do more in public....and i’m like YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR FAMILY FOR THAT TO HAPPEN!!! He then seemed to have this inner rage....just seething like he had snapped. Then he was all over me assured me he loved me cldn’t live without me and then the next day txts me and says ‘seeya.’
THERE IS MORE: ......
After rereading the last transcript from a counsellor I was seeing, where her response to my story was: ‘Obviously M lost his courage, his nerve, he wasn't honest as you had been. That is all. We all make mistakes Belinda and that makes us human.’ This statement from the counsellor made me very angry..... I don’t think he unwittingly made a mistake. For someone to show no compassion, fail to tell me this change of mind in person and send it by txt and to then tell me not to ‘make it any harder’ for him by asking him certain things so I could perhaps come to some kind of resolution in my own head is not what I would describe as acceptable human behaviour. There is such a thing as a deplorable human behaviour too I think. I think a proportion of it was calculated and selfish and I will reveal some more details which are actually very hard for me to recount.
I questioned his and therefore our decisions every step of the way; told him it would be messy, confronting etc and even listed a very real set of consequences. Still he proclaimed he was prepared for these. I also tried to extract myself from the relationship on at least 4 occasions but he would be so distraught, crying, or stony silences or talk of him not being able to cope (inferred suicide)that I re-established connection again and again. If you knew his public persona to think he would cry for his own way would be unimaginable.
Told him on at least three separate occasions that I felt I wouldn’t be enough for him, as I thought he really didn’t want to give up anything for us at all. Still he denied this and somehow turned it around to make me feel like I was paranoid or manic or the like??? Can’t work out how I allowed myself to feel this and believe his words over my instinct.
I believe he has acted very irresponsibly and he should not have pretended to be like minded or have the same character as me. In saying that, he has now assassinated my character in order to save himself. He never defended what he said we had and he trivialised and cheapened it all by lying and denying to his wife and kids. I feel very bad about myself even tho I know supposedly nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. But the fact is I DO!!!
I rang him last week to tell him that I was taking full responsibility at home for my family’s hurt as I don’t want my kids growing up hating and blaming. I think there is too much blaming today and that people are looking for an easy way out of troublesome situations. His tone was venomous and he said I had ‘no idea’ how things were for him. He is angry because his children have sided with their mother but I don’t believe this is my fault i believe this is because one, he lied to them all, and two, because she decided to use them as ammunition against him. I didn’t even bother to tell him how I was. I have been in hospital as I was rapidly losing weight and then contracted Golden Staff. I could tell by his tone he wouldn’t care if i was dead. He also said ‘just move on’ not dissimilar to the tone you would use for ‘it’s only a glass of spilled milk.’
My daughter has left all her teammates behind and joined a new team full of unknown boys. She is resilient but this was an upheaval. She also trusted and respected him and she and my son simply don’t understand why he didn’t defend the truth through any of this. My son cannot play at certain games as his anxiety at the possibility of crossing paths with him is that bad that he can’t concentrate on playing properly. He broke their trust as well and they looked up to him as a coach, mentor and friend. However I brought this problem into MY family so it is my responsibility to address this.
I could have had him sacked and I could have sent the msgs to his wife to paint the real picture but the fact is he never cared and I don’t think I have a right to force the truth upon her. It is her decision to remain in denial if she so desires. Plus the guilt of revenge would undo me further I think. I keep thinking that he has to look at himself in the mirror everyday but you know by the tone in his voice I don’t think he thinks he has played any role in this at all. All the blame has been transferred solely on to me.
The constant push me, pull you has seen me question everything. At one point he said he wanted us to go out for breakfast in public together. (This was half way between where he lives and where I am currently) I asked him would you do that with me in your home town?? Also I thought I would need to tell my husband that because I wouldn’t want to chance someone from our small home town seeing us together and him being told or talked about behind his back before he heard it from me. He was angry with me because I wouldn’t do this and it was then I really felt like I was ‘hoop jumping’ so to speak. It was never going to end.
Also at some point he told me he was unwell. He was going to the doctor to be checked and he told me that when he was younger (as in 20yrs ago) he slept with someone and contracted an STD and even tho he was treated he had been feeling unwell of late and just wanted to have everything checked. At the time I told him i would never judge his past. I could only go from now onward. I have never in my life trusted or let someone know me fully up until being with him. I can now see he just wanted to have unprotected sex with me. Then he told me he would love it if I was pregnant, (after the fact that is)....this added to my anxiety three fold. I think his perspective was warped yet I was so emotionally buried I couldn’t see clearly. Now I feel this was very calculating on his behalf and I feel gutted by this. My husband knows all of these details which is also very confronting.
The last thing is that my feelings were real and the physical attraction between us was intense. I lost a friendship (albeit an illusion) and I miss him whoever he was. Plus he knows me intimately which makes me feel physical sick. I get hot and anxious when I think about that, almost like trauma?? I also get anxious at soccer fields which is really hard seeing as I am at one 8 times per week. The memories from there are painful. I want to give up but taking my son’s dream away from him which he has earned through sheer determination and hard work is something i can’t allow myself to do. But I am very low and yep I have no self confidence or self worth at the moment. I can’t see where I belong anymore and nothing seems to have a point. I don’t understand how people can be that selfish, insular and irresponsible, and using the excuse that we are all human and make mistakes is not cutting it with me. I can’t comprehend someone could do this to make themselves feel good at the expense of someone else’s well being and sanity. I even told him that I was worried about my mental health as things that I had previously loved had started becoming meaningless to me. I teach this to teenagers i could at least recognise the signs in myself. He still continued to declare me the love of his life. Scary it is for me that I made such an error in judgement and my feelings were and still are so strong for me to turn into a ‘non comprehendus’ fool. I can feel that I am isolating myself more and more each day instead of getting better. People say it will get better with time but for me I don’t feel like I have a heart or soul anymore. I gave it all to him. I cannot hate him...just can’t, probably don’t like him an awful lot but still love him unfortunately.

Dec 13 - 7AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Bgirl

Welcome to Narcville... Get familiar with the site.. Lisa's books are a great resource.. NC is key... Hunter
Dec 14 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Thank you...I have been nc

Thank you...I have been nc for 9 months......is it normal to: Feel self loathing? Feel that nothing matters...struggle to look after myself at all....kind of laughable to me the concept of putting myself first.....? Have vivid flashbacks that make you hot and anxious? Want to be on your own and shut out society? See narcissism everywhere and trouble trusting anyone or anything?
Dec 11 - 6PM
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Sparrow...u r so right. My

Sparrow...u r so right. My 'male' counsellor is sure he set out to take over our family....he wanted the kids meal deal and I was the coke on the side. He befriended my daughter for 12 months before making his move....learned everything about our family and became who he knew he needed to be. I was so naive to think that 'no one could possibly think like this.' He was on a mission and when things became too problematic, ie: I said no, he then proceeded to take me down piece by piece. The main trauma for me is the video sequence running thru my head when I realized the love he was making to me was in fact hate. I could feel it, see it in his eyes and also he actually hurt me in the act that badly I required medical treatment. The worst thing is I refused to acknowledge it firstly to myself and then it has taken me 9 months to relay these events to my counsellor. He also wanted to impregnate me to make an athlete. How diabolical is that? That makes me shudder. Now he has told his wife and kids I pursued him, but I at least had enough presence of mind to transfer many of the msgs to a diff phone. I have lots of proof if I ever need it.....
Dec 11 - 8AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

bgirl

This is such a sad story, as is the case when deceit is interwoven. It seems as if you have done an excellent job at being honest about your feelings in regards to your family. You should feel good about that because they are victims in this situation, just as much as you are. Your children sound very well grounded and your husband seems to be very devoted to your marriage. Try to understand that in this man's world lying is a way of life. In order to survive he will completely distort the truth and honestly believe that others have manipulated him. If he were to be honest with himself he would be ashamed and he just can't face that. He is selfish, manipulative, unhappy, bitter, and incapable of truly loving another. He will NEVER change. You seem to be a very strong woman and that is probably what attracted him to you in the first place, so take that as a compliment. You are not at rock bottom, because you have become aware and you are here. You will find that the more you learn and understand the reasons behind their behavior, the less you will take it personally. He has and will treat everyone like crap. There is no hope for him; However, you and your family will grow stronger, and wiser from this. It takes time and it isn't easy. You have taken all the right steps to keep your children and yourself away from him- Well done! You can do this! Kudos to your husband-He sounds very understanding. Never have any contact with this liar again and you will heal, promise. xxx, Ruby
Dec 11 - 7AM
KittyRising
KittyRising's picture

Feelings...

Dear BGirl - Their feelings are more important. Didn't you now that one? It's about THEIR feelings. Their feelings are little treasures that they have to keep safe. Like little jewels they "mean" they love you until their feelings "change". They are ruled by this inner voice which says "recovery at all costs". They really "think" they mean it when they tell us of their undying love until it becomes "inconvenient". Then they "mean" what they say "at that moment" because the "moment" is all they have. Their reality is not based on kindness, grace or love. They don't "feel" remorse when they leave destruction in their path but look for blame. Because to accept responsibility means they would have to "grow up". And, "growth" for them is their next conquest. They need the next "love" that will make them "feel" good. Get the mentality? Messy stuff dealing with what one has destroyed! I wish you healing. Reach out to the ones in your life that have always been there. They are called your friends. And, I bet without getting an answer they all hated the N in your life. Cheers. Kitty
Dec 11 - 6AM
fraidythecat
fraidythecat's picture

Try this

I, too, have had a hard time "hating" or being angry with my ex N. I'm not an angry type person, or should I say, I have trouble expressing it - so sadly, it becomes depression - which is what I suspect is happening to you. So, since I can't seem to blame him and think of him as an evil person, I turn it to pity. I have done a ton of reading on NPD and he was not a child of extreme wealth, he was, in fact, abused and neglected. He always brushed it off as "no big deal", which means he has likely never come to terms with it. That's a lot to carry around for 40+ years. And, it makes them crazy, emotionally void, unable to truly connect, individuals. Which, to me, is very sad. But I fight my co-dependency tendencies, and remind myself that I've had my dysfunctional, neglectful and abusive childhood, too, but I've determined NOT to live with my old negative habits - the co-dependency. Somewhere inside, they know they are not "right", that they are not "normal". At least my N used to say this. He was dragged to therapy once by his now ex wife and when the therapist asked him if he wanted to change, he said "no, I like myself the way I am." Because in order to heal from something like this, or co-dependence or many other emotional disorders, it can be painful. Facing our past hurts, learning to re-write our blueprints, accepting the past as something we had no control over and moving into the future, is a lot of WORK. It's much easier to stay stuck - and since they don't really FEEL, as co-d tend to "over" feel everything, esp pain, it doesn't HURT them, so there's not much need to change - if any. So, I just remind myself that it's as if he is mentally disabled - and to a degree I suppose that's not too far off. It's just confusing b/c they can be so functional. But so are many with criminal minds - we wouldn't associate with them would we? So, I have to love and respect myself more than I do, to remind myself that I deserve better - the best, even - than someone who is emotionally unavailable - he needs help, won't get it, and I'm not the one to fix him. I was able to let go of my dysf family - and amazingly saw my dad begin to change near the end of his life - a bit too little too late, but it has helped me reconcile some of my childhood. and now, my brother is reaping his sowing, time will tell if it has changed him. Not saying you should see if he changes, just saying, that when I let go of my family, it helped me grow again. He may not change if he won't get help - and it's not our job to help them, we're not their therapists. Take care of yourself - you sound like you know what is right, work to forgive yourself so you can be good for your family again. Your husband sounds like an amazingly wonderfully forgiving person - run to those arms girl and never let go. Your kids will be ok - esp if they can learn about NPD. It may save your daughter from falling victim to such a man in her dating. (and your son, too for that matter, although not as many women that way) Love yourself - take baby steps back to your life - which sounds like it was fine b/f this whack o came along. It's a long walk, and we slip, but we have to get back there - ourselves need us, too. Peace.
Dec 11 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
bgirl
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Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your responses. Made me cry. I have about 27 /30 codependent traits I've been studying. I was an accident waiting to happen. Narcissistic, violent family. Physical violence. We were not given medical treatment, were put on diets had to 'weigh in' etc. We were all straight A students, school captains...model children with no idea who we were. My husband is my best friend but as I had to tell him the absolute heart felt truth that the feelings I had for m were the strongest in my life....have come to the realization he was my first real love experience. First time I let myself be my true self because he seemed to understand me and I let my walls crumble in his presence. I feel like my whole body is breaking it is so painful and really want to end it all. But I have been seeing three counsellors a fortnight...and the kids come too. They know I loved him and he has changed our lives forever but we r trying so hard to learn things and not be the eternal victims. I too have had to distance myself from my family. Haven't sighted or heard from my father in 9 yes and my mum was more worried about ppl finding out and the stigma attached to the situation rather than my wellbeing. She even went so far as to contact my counsellor without my knowledge and implied I wasn't fit to look after my children. Such devastation, but the first time I've had clarity in 37 hrs. My marriage as such will never be reconciled but I have a dear friend for life. As for M I hope he has an awakening that saves his soul. My loves was real but it wasn't enough for him. There are some sad things in the world aren't there?
Dec 11 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
fraidythecat
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Reflection of Yourself

I, too, felt like for the first time I was able to be myself. But, someone told me that it was simply my self love being reflected back to me - to my true self. You were there all of the time - you just didn't know it. I'm not sure what we feel for them is the healthy kind of love a real relationship should be made out of. It's more of a passion/lust which, no doubt, is quite powerful. I felt deep despair b/c I was so "free" with him. I / we should be able to be free no matter who we are or are not with. So, let this experience help you grow out of that shell of the little scared girl - it's not easy but once we're out, we don't have to go back to that place, that shell we hid in. We don't have to worry about what others think of us, because we are wonderful, precious, worthy women! I'm glad you're in counseling. See what they say about "Reinventing Your Life" and working through it with you. It's awesome, scary and very hard all at the same time. But I really believe it is helping me. And it's right, no one's love or devotion or anything for an N will be enough - they can't attach. Mine was touched by a puppy he adopted. But I'll be damned if he didn't end up giving the puppy back. AFTER all the hard work was done - potty training, etc. He was getting attached to him, both ways, and that scares the hell out of someone who has never attached their heart to anything. Their brain sends off all kinds of red flags, flares and fireworks - but not the good kinds - and they will sabotage whatever it is that goes against anything they've ever experienced. It's that old childhood defense kicking in. We do it as co-dependents. And I trust a lot of the sympathy I feel for my N is compounded by my still recovering CoD tendencies. I'm 10 years down the road from where I was, but I'll probably always be overly empathetic. I just have to learn to keep it from affecting my well being. Honestly, as I look back in my journal, I saw red flags as I was going. And I was noting less and less tolerance to the lack of follow through. I guess it wouldn't have lasted too long anyway, b/c I am not the same person I was- putting up with empty promises. As they became more frequent, I would like to think I was nearing healthy enough to have ended it myself. And it would have been interesting to see if he came after me, but it doesn't matter now. YOU have to get healthy friend so you can recognize what you need to stay away from. I'm sorry for your marriage - maybe one day it will reconcile. Never say never. Once you heal, you won't be quite the same - you'll be stronger, smarter, etc. He, your ex N, is in a sense deranged. He is sick, but won't grow from it. He'll end up alone, as many of them do. But you are not here to take care of him. It does get easier with some time. No contact and try to control your thoughts - as you have one, stomp it out. A good cry now and then is cleansing, but don't let it become unhealthy. You can control your thoughts. Be safe and be good to yourself. You have a lot of people who love you - for YOU! Not for what you can do for them. fc
Dec 12 - 12AM (Reply to #5)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

You are so succinct and

You are so succinct and compassionate and absolutely spot on with how I feel and felt. I am trying to get the tools to strengthen myself and my boundaries, something I have never done before :) Thank you very much for the time taken to respond....it is reassuring to know even though some of my thoughts and actions were at times inexplicable, I am not a complete lunatic. I was, without a doubt, completely and utterly under this person's spell. Scary really.....so time to do some work on good ole me!!! I hope one day my empathy for others is not as strong too.....it is scary how in tune you can become with other ppl as you learn to develop it as a survival tool when you r a child. My most predominate feeling for him is 'resignation' I am resigned to the fact that I couldn't and would never have been able to bring out the best in him. The more compassion and love he received the worse he behaved and the more perplexed I became. It really is a life changing experience that unless you've lived it, is next to impossible to comprehend. XXX B
Dec 11 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

girl, no ones love will be

Bgirl, no ones love will be enough for him. He will never change, his soul will not be saved. He is a predator, who set out to destroy you and your life. He envied you, and moved in swiftly to take you over and win you with his illusions and his so called love for you. This is the beginning for you, you sound intelligent, and very capable of comprehending things with ease. This is serious, what he has done to you, and you will eventually come to understand that. Your "M" is a fraud, a thieve and a disordered human being. The only one that has even the slightest chance of having their soul saved is you. Through recovery, this will happen. You will be whole again. But make no mistake about it, he is not good, never was, and never will be. Read as much as you can about this disorder, stay close to the forum, and get started on re-claiming your life back! Don't give him any more power!