Bewildered's story

Hello, I have read everything I could find about Narcissists and believe I have been in a relationship with one. I have read your posts and would like some validation. I am still hurting, still replaying in my head, "how could I have handled this differently, etc.

I apologize for the length. You all seem so knowledgeable about NPD I wanted to try to give as many facts as I can to get some insight on this.

He is quite wealthy, prides himself on being generous & humble and refers often to his soft heart. He is also addicted to pain meds which he takes for chronic pain following back surgery. I didn't realize until recently how severe the addiction is.

Admittedly, on some level I know I am better off, but emotionally, I am having a tough time. I met this man two years ago. We dated briefly, but it didn't work out. Long distance relationship, his unwillingness to get involved with a "blended" family "again" (I have a 15 year old son), and his periodic involvement with an ex, etc. He stayed in touch for awhile, kept me apprised of the status of his relationship with the ex he was on-and-off with for about 4 years.

In March of this year, he contacted me and was clearly fishing to ascertain my interest. I didn't think I had any interest, but agreed to have dinner with him while he was in Vegas for the weekend (he is a client). Unfortunately, that dinner ignited the passion again and we started seeing one another on weekends. Two months into the relationship he suggested that it was time for him to meet my son. I was thrilled. I felt that we were moving into a commitment and this was confirmation of his intentions. I thought all had gone well for a first meeting. But later he mentioned that my son shook his hand too hard and explained the meaning of handshakes from a male perspective. I tried to tell him my son does not know his own strength..he doesn't...but he was not buying it. I sensed that his reaction stemmed from an insecurity I hadn't seen in him until then. My son is over 6 feet already and he is around 5'10".

As the relationship progressed, he was exuberant about his love for me, our future together and how important his relationship with my son was if we were to marry. All was going well until about 6 weeks ago when he claims his ex contacted him and needed money. He insisted that he did not want anything to do with her, but felt guilty because she was so distraught and in need. I suggested that he give her the money since he had been doing it for quite some time, therby creating a dependence, but to let her know this would be the last time. He was delighted, and sent me an email the following day telling me he did not want her involved in any way and that he would "never do anything to make me leave him." This was the beginning of the end.

The following weekend he was in Vegas (my home) and was notably different. Distracted, hyper, not as loving and he left early - he was running out of his "pain pills". Subsequently, our telephone conversations and emails were different as well. He was expressing "concern" for my son's emotional well-being. Compared him to his son who is "a loser" and told me he couldn't be around my son because it was too painful as my son reminded him so much of his son at that age. Not sure where he was coming from, I suggested we leave my son out of the equation for the time being.

His emails were distant and his voice was not as loving during our phone calls. I felt him disconnecting with me, but wasn't sure why. Then, 9 days after the email about how he didn't want his ex to ruin what we had, he sent me an email first thing in the morning telling me that he was going to have dinner with her in LA where she lived because he felt so sorry for her. She was out of work, so scared and crying. He also said he hoped it was ok with me, "not to be insecure" because I "shouldn't be."

I am a very loving person with a good heart and he knew that. He even commented on it several times during the "honeymoon." But, when I got that email, I felt like I was being manipulated & decieved. I "knew" where this was leading and I sent him an email recounting the past 2 weeks, confronted him with his desire to be with his ex again, and told him he should have been honest rather than play cruel games with me.

He went into a rage! He bombarded me with emails calling me CRAZY and NUTS, insecure, jealous,etc. He also expressed "concern" for my son's well-being and urged me to get help for his sake. He said "NO ONE had EVER" called him a "LIAR." He said he was going to take all of my emails to a company party (his company) and show them to every one and then I would be embarrassed and realize how foolish I was. The emails kept coming for days. Finally I asked him to stop. He demanded an apology, so I apologized. It wasn't good enough, he emailed back telling me I had to pay and he wanted me to suffer for what I had done to him.

I was in shock. I didn't know this man at all. I missed the man who had been so loving and supportive. When I spoke with him on the phone after this, he was cold and distant. Refused to accept any rationale I offered for my feelings.

When I told him how his anger & emails had put me in a state of shock and that I couldn't even read most of them he was surprised and then said, "I'm surprised, so you do have feelings like the rest of us." He also denied that he was angry and that the emails meant nothing, and again expressed his surprise that I thought they did.

He kept me hanging on by implying he wanted us to work, but he was so hurt, asked me to visit the following weekend and sent me the tickets.

By the time I got there he was cold, distant and spent the day and a half I was there trying to goad me into an argument. He also feigned an attempt to detox appearing weak and pitiful. After I left, he called the next day to tell me he needed to put our relationship "on hold" because his judgment was clouded by the drugs he was addicted to. I asked what "on hold" meant and he said he didn't know. Said he needed space, so I gave him space. No contact.

He called 4 days later to talk, and I put on a "happy face" sounded cheerful and pleasant. He emailed the following day accusing me of not caring for him, being secretive and aloof, etc. during our telephone conversation and again used everything personal I had shared with him to demean and belittle me.

I was furious and called him re these accusations. Surprisingly he backed off. This game went on for two more weeks and then he finally sent me an email listing all the reasons we wouldn't work and asked if I agreed. He called that evening and would not allow me to speak at all. When I tried he kept repeating that I was pushing him away in a very biting & superior tone. I told him I could not deal with this any longer and that it had to stop. He expressed surprise that I was having difficulty with the loss and seemed pleased. We said good-bye and that was it.

Now I am in that cycle of "what if," could I have prevented this if I had called instead of emailing re his intent to take his ex to dinner, etc. On one level, I think he is crazy, on another, I am a nurturer, I am hurt and wonder if the drugs are causing this behavior and I want to help. I am also regretting that I did not call him and simply say I was not OK with him going to LA and having dinner with his ex rather than sending the email. But on some level, I think that it may have ended the same way, with him accusing me, belittling my feelings, etc.

I know my father was a malignant narcissist and am wondering now if I am willing to forgive this kind of behavior because it is something I am comfortable with, and whether this had anything to do with my attraction to him.

I guess that affirmation that he is a narcissist will help me with the healing process. I am still in love with the phantom, the man that still has my heart. Thank you if you got this far.

MsMGM's picture

Bewildered, Welcome!This site is extremely supportive. I too, struggled with a similiar situation for 2 1/2 years and it recently ended. My site name tells all. Until this site I was beginning to think that Las Vegas collects all the "N's." I live in Las Vegas also. The first step is to accept that in fact his behavior presents him as an "N" and the last comment you made is strong and wise. You stated, "But on some level, I think that it may have ended the same way, with him accusing me, belittling my feelings, etc." That is exactly what would have happened. Review the blog for the "devalue" stage. Without fail it would have happen. It's painful, be strong! You deserve so much more.
Bewildered's picture

Thank you for your supportive comments. I would like to read more about the devalue stage. Do you have the link? I am not sure where to start looking. This happened so fast.........from "Prince Charming" to the vicious, hateful, demeaning man...........9 days! It is the "attack" that has thrown me. I was not with him long enough to see this more than once, and it still hurts and bewilders me. What I have realized about him subsequently, is that he probably "buys" his NS. He has 3 women he recycles (I was number 4). He employees approximately 20 people and thus gets what he needs from them. And then showers people in his life who are less fortunate than him with gifts and money. I woulnd't take the money.....stupid me!
Barbara's picture

Lisa explains this in her book (link at right) we ask that you look through ALL the pages of MESSAGE BOARD and read through ALL the posts on MY BLOG. Please. http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/06/24/understanding-narcissists-cycle-idealizing-you-devaluing-demeaning-you ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Bewildered's picture

After the break-up, my 14 year old was very supportive as I was working through the initial pain and grief. He said something I think is worth sharing: "Mom, trying to have a relationship with "D" is like trying to pick apples off a lemon tree."
grossot's picture

Smart kiddo! ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled
quietude's picture

Welcome to the boards, you are in the right place, I assure you! I would say, YES, he sounds like a total narcissist to me. When you mentioned the hand shake thing with your son, that triggered a memory of my ex lecturing me after shaking my son's hand about how it wasn't the "right" way to do it, and he had to demonstrate on me several times as to what the right way was. My ex was also generally annoyed with my kids, which is typical...why? Because they get our attention too, which takes away from the N. I see many similarities in your story as mine, and you'll see many similarities in others' stories. It's truly amazing... Keep reading! Look at old threads here, there is so much information. This place has been a godsend to me since my N left back in Feb. this year. You'll find lots of support. :)
Bewildered's picture

Thank you quietude. I appreciate your comments.
Barbara's picture

Welcome... - Get yourself Lisa's book (link at right) - go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - read our blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing - listen to our free radio show: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabout him Go NO CONTACT on this loser. He sounds like a massive NARCISSITIC JERK. It's NOT you. It's HIM! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Bewildered's picture

Thank you Barbara. I love the quote you posted and pasted it into an email to print and post on my walls untik this stops tormenting my mind and hurting.
4joys's picture

I vote YES!!! Welcome to the sight :)
Bewildered's picture

So then, was I discarded so harshly because I confronted him with the email exposing his deception and must have been right based on his reaction? One thing I noticed that differs from others stories is that he has never apologized to me. He feels completely justified in his anger and has projected just about every insecurity and negative personality trait he has on me.
MsMGM's picture

Bewildered, Interesting comment. I can relate. I have received no apology either. In fact, he tried in every way to project on me exactly who he is with the only contact we had. I know better. He has repeated this same behavior with others. He feels like his actions throughout the relationship were justified. They are never at fault. I have realized that some "N" don't apologize. For those that don't it appears we hold on longer, hoping, because that would be a more comforting closure. There is none. The closure is no contact! It is amazing how successful an "N" can be in their professional life but yet when it comes to their personal life, it is a world wind.