Believeinshawn's story

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#1 Mar 13 - 2PM
believeinshawn
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Believeinshawn's story

I'm now 38, got with my ExN in 1990 when I was 17, he was a month shy of 15. He was charismatic, funny, social, very handsome, strong and muscular, a real take charge kind of guy... if only I had trusted my instinct, and my mom. Before long, I started realizing the Jekyll and Hyde behavior, but since I knew he was abused by his father, I really believed if I loved him hard enough, he would realize it, and love me back. He did make me feel important, the way he controlled me and spoke to me made me feel cared for. I'd never seen or been involved with ANYONE who was abusive mentally or physically before... my guts KNEW it, but my heart wanted to love him.

We had a son in 1994. I'd heard he had been cheating on me while I was in college (he had 2 years of HS left when I went to college), but when our son was 9 mo. old, I started hearing he was cheating with this one girl (who we'll call "SLICK"--because he is currently married to her now, and that is his nickname for her!) Anyway, i moved out, then after 3 months moved back in. then we ended up moving to NE. He cheated on me with 12 girls that I found out about from 1994-2008 when I moved out. I was consistently discovering phone calls, then emails when we got a computer and the internet, or the girls would call or come over looking for him... I stayed because I loved him, thought he'd change at first... then I stayed because of the kids. in 2000, he raped a friend of mine i worked with. He only admitted to having sex with 2 of the girls. i've been called a cock blocker, i 've been told: "they were just f*cks, get over it!" I don't do it anymore. i've caught him ordering porn on direct TV, he of course blamed it on his friends (who by the way, NEVER came over)... also it was always ordered just before 3pm, when the kids were set to get home about 3:45pm. (like he was trying to get caught?) When i found that someone was searching for animal porn, and teens, he blamed it on our kids who were about 5 and 8 at the time.

I sampled moving out in 2003, but quickly realized that I needed to be more emotionally prepared for it. I moved in with my dad, and i woke up twice to ExN in bed with me naked, because my dad LET him in!!!!he stole the money I took from savings out of my drawer while i was in the shower once, and I didn't realize it until i moved back home. he started using the kids who were about 9 and 6 at the time. he forced us to go to church in the crisis time... soon as i moved back in, that stopped.

He was physical with me a few times. Choked me while I was driving and pulled my emergency brake while our son was in the back seat-- driving fast around a corner! He put a knife to my throat once, asked me what i'd do if he cut me. he pointed a loaded gun at my face, and smirked. he shot me with a BB gun in front of our kids. he always tried to scare me while he was driving by going too fast and too close behind other drivers. He spit on me, held me down and hurt me. threw me once and i landed upside down on my shoulders.. had to go to the chiropractor daily for a whole week. He beat the kids with a belt, naked until they had black welt marks from the middle of their back to their knees (because they wouldn't pick up sticks in the yard). i could go on and on.

He filed for divorce in Nov 07 and then proceeded to call "slick", and started an affair with her, but in the mean time was trying to convince me to stay with him. Also, i had started talking to one of his friends in march 07 because he had called to talk to exN, who was away working (he is a traveling boilermaker-- seldom home, when he is, there is no money coming in.) ExN found out.. then made me suffer for it.. I broke it off. Then he filed for divorce on me because I filed a restraining order on him b/c he kept telling me he would take the kids, and I'd never see them again. then in May, I found out he'd been talking to "slick", and her husband had known about it since Jan that year.He ran up a $2,000 phone bill talking to her while he was in Bermuda, then I found out he took her on a long weekend to a ball game in Baltimore. i moved our business , and then myself and the kids to my sister's house since I didn't have anywhere to live, and couldn't support myself. Then when he was back in town, he came and took the kids back home, and ended up telling them that I had cheated on him and left, so I'm a big POS, and that he had just MET "slick" and they were seeing each other! so he told them stuff to degrade me and make me uncredible when I try to defend myself.

It took til Dec 08 for me to gain temp custody because I had to get a new lawyer. Then in May 09, ExN got full custody b/c the kids talked to the judge and said they wanted to live with him in OUR house (because I left him everything)... and they lied about me saying i'm MEAN to them (which I have never been mean in my life) Then trial was in June 09. He got the house, both vehicles, he kept the boat that i got to have the $9k debt for, I had to pay my own legal fees, $15,000, and my $25K student loan. I have to pay $133/mo child support (he makes $85K and I end up with about $10K from my business I run by myself, no insurance, no paycheck) I ended up having to file bankruptcy, and when I lost the kids, could no longer afford my house that i got with HUD. i ended up moving in with the guy I was previously talking to. My kids won't come see me on my weekends. My youngest said he wishes I would die and he's glad I left him b/c he's happy where he is now.. he has "slick" now. doesn't need me. They blame me.

I found out I was pregnant in Jan 2010 just before our divorce was final. when he found out, the VERY next day, he was engaged to "slick", and they got married Sept 18th. My new son was born the 23rd. (convenient.).. and since then we've found out that "slick" has breast cancer, she had eggs harvested, ExN got his vasectomy reversed (if that is really true we don't know), and now she is having chemo.

there is so much more, but I felt like I needed to get the bulk of that out.

I am really depressed often because my sons believe TOTAL lies about me. i can't find anyone who has had their kids live 100% with 2 N's, one being "slick"... she sent an email to me a while back says: "I'll keep raising my 3 boys just as I've been doing, and you keep pretending you're a part of Z & Z's everyday life. They're better off now".. so I'm sure she is N also. I can't get through to them, because of him and her... I'm disgusted, sad, angry, vicimized, have wanted to die over the last 2 years... and sometimes I just can't handle the pain. If I didn't have this new baby, I'm not sure i really could stand it at all.

May 1 - 8PM
believeinshawn
believeinshawn's picture

latest visit

Well, on the 23rd, the block I had on my ex (from contacting my cell) was removed(b/c I was sick of paying to block his dumb a$$... and by the 26th, he sent me a text saying he needed help with eldest son b/c his grades are slipping. He said all he's worried about is pu$$ (his words). OMG.. I said, well, I wonder why that is? I told him that I couldn't do much, b/c he has ruined any chance of influence that I had, and I can't teach him how to raise the kids. He pretty much ignored everything I said to him (b/c I was treating him like a child.) he told me that he wanted me in the boys' lives. I told him he replaced me with the new wife, and the boys don't care much about me, so i can't help him. He told me that I need to start SLOW, and see them in the middle of the week, they can get me into the movies free (b/c his wife's family owns the theater... :() He still doesn't realize that since he forced me out of the house and immediately brought in this woman who is also narcissistic, the boys don't feel like they can LOVE me. he let this woman pretend she is my sons' mom, and the boys feel close to her b/c he set it up so they would think less of me. They are beginning to not respect women... my 14 yo called his g/f mom a whore b/c she didn't want her daughter to go to the movies with him tonight. I told him it's hard for mother's to let their daughters go with boys b/c boys "could" get the girls in trouble... maybe you should be more respectful toward the mother and she would feel better about it. I swear i spend all my time with them trying to UNDO the things that their father has influenced. it is ridiculous. My oldest son has started a "sleep schedule", where he goes to bed at 10pm, wakes on purpose at 12 midnight and stays up til 6am so he " has more time!"... and they let him do that. what s wrong with them? i feel like my kids are not mine any more. it is so hard to watch this.
May 1 - 8PM
believeinshawn
believeinshawn's picture

latest visit

Well, on the 23rd, the block I had on my ex (from contacting my cell) was removed(b/c I was sick of paying to block his dumb a$$... and by the 26th, he sent me a text saying he needed help with eldest son b/c his grades are slipping. He said all he's worried about is pu$$ (his words). OMG.. I said, well, I wonder why that is? I told him that I couldn't do much, b/c he has ruined any chance of influence that I had, and I can't teach him how to raise the kids. He pretty much ignored everything I said to him (b/c I was treating him like a child.) he told me that he wanted me in the boys' lives. I told him he replaced me with the new wife, and the boys don't care much about me, so i can't help him. He told me that I need to start SLOW, and see them in the middle of the week, they can get me into the movies free (b/c his wife's family owns the theater... :() He still doesn't realize that since he forced me out of the house and immediately brought in this woman who is also narcissistic, the boys don't feel like they can LOVE me. he let this woman pretend she is my sons' mom, and the boys feel close to her b/c he set it up so they would think less of me. They are beginning to not respect women... my 14 yo called his g/f mom a whore b/c she didn't want her daughter to go to the movies with him tonight. I told him it's hard for mother's to let their daughters go with boys b/c boys "could" get the girls in trouble... maybe you should be more respectful toward the mother and she would feel better about it. I swear i spend all my time with them trying to UNDO the things that their father has influenced. it is ridiculous. My oldest son has started a "sleep schedule", where he goes to bed at 10pm, wakes on purpose at 12 midnight and stays up til 6am so he " has more time!"... and they let him do that. what s wrong with them? i feel like my kids are not mine any more. it is so hard to watch this.
Mar 13 - 5PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I read your story

And it sounds like you've been trhough an ordeal...aside from the obvious emotional turmoil...I have some questions about the legalities... Number one and I'm not a lawyer; however, there is something called parental alienation. Number two...it is rare for judges to rule in favor of the men...what happened in this case what grounds did you at least not get shared/joint custody Number three...he beat you, you had medical attention for it, he beat the kids...how did he end up with them... Were you legally represented? How the hell did this happen?
Mar 13 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
believeinshawn
believeinshawn's picture

Crazy I know.....

Number one and I'm not a lawyer; however, there is something called parental alienation. This is true, and it is absolutely what was going on. In this town, the lawyers own the judges, and nothing was fair about my case. I did have a lawyer, and she "seemed" like she was doing her job, told me there was NO WAY I'd lose my kids... but it was dragged out for over 2 years, and the judge slept thru our 2 day trial, wouldn't read the emails (over 700 I got in one year from ExN telling me how he was going to break us both in the divorce, and make the kids hate me)... judge refused to read it. i had police come and testify, friends who exN had accused of "f*cking" me in their workplace... crazy stuff. Number two...it is rare for judges to rule in favor of the men...what happened in this case what grounds did you at least not get shared/joint custody In my town it is EXTREMELY common for the abuser to get the kids. the men don't want to pay child support, so if they contest it, they get the kids. he would have had to pay me over $900/mo had I gotten custody. and we DO have joint legal custody, and I got weekend vists every other weekend... but he made it so the kids don't want to see me, and they are old enough to decide apparently Number three...he beat you, you had medical attention for it, he beat the kids...how did he end up with them... I didn't tell the chiro what happened, I couldn't. I didn't tell anyone what he did to the boys with the belt either. I DID tell the judge, he apparently didn't believe me. Were you legally represented? yes, but obviously not well.. In court they said ExN owed over $60K to keep my kids from me. He's in all kinds of financial trouble. lost both the cars he took from me, the truck he bought on trade in, got repoed, he was in foreclosure on the house, his creditors STILL call me and my parents! it is just NUTS. How the hell did this happen? good question. My boys even had a Guardian At Litem... and he said that my exN would be most likely to ensure a good relationship with Me, the non custodial parent. I guess everything bad I said about him to prove i was better made ME look bad instead. he didn't want the kids, he just didn't want ME to have them. I raised them since birth pretty much alone b/c ex N traveled when he worked, out of town or state... only was home for a few days to weeks at a time, he stayed home in the summer. when he was gone, he blamed me for him leaving. When he divorced me, he said he ws getting a job in town, and would never leave again.. that is how he got custody. he was fired from that job before the divorce was final, and started traveling again. he got married so he'd have a MOM for the kids since he wouldn't ever tell me when he was going out of town so they could stay with me. He doesn't tell me anything.. i have only spoken with him ONCE in a whole year. i had to block him b/c he was so abusive. Now, his wife sends me letters pertaining to what I'm "supposed to be doing"... I can't escape them, I can't see my kids. I'm IN HELL.
Mar 13 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

There has to be a way to fight it

But do you have supports in place because this is kinda like fighting City Hall and they have deep pockets... First thing...on domestic violence civil suits etc...look up statute of limitations... Second...Was any of the abuse documented in say a therapists office? Three...Records of chiropractic treatment do not lie...the records are there...can you go back and tell him the truth. It is typical and common that victims will not speak up. If you were trauma bonded which usually happens that will explain why you were mum Next thing you want to do and there is a process I don't remember much but you can appeal a case. I'd go for an appeal with a quickness... Parental Alienation is very common and I am shocked that in this day he didn't catch it as men going for custody to avoid support is the OLDEST trick in the book...the judge sounds like an ASS but he too can be complained about to the state there has to be some process for that...and I'd exercise whatever options are open. There is a databse on the net can't remember where but maybe a google search of his name...you might see some buzz...maybe see who else was burned by him...sometimes there's more attention when you join in numbers. Get down with some domestic violence groups...network... Find out what groups exist on the national level... You need to create a rukus...a flurry...and a do it yourself public relations campaign contacting the media... Find out what politicians in your area sit on the Domestic Violence Panel Get a boiler plate letter going explaining your plight and start faxing away...paper the whole goshdarn town!!! If you're not up to it, I understand...but you have rights...it sounds like you were too darn weak to fight at the time...it happens but if you feel up to it...if you can handle it...excuse my french: "Balls to the Wall!" fight back. It's late here and again I'm not a professional and can't get too diverted into legal research but will try to point you in some directions if you pvt message me your city and state. All the best...I am absolutely in shock over this...another example of the victim being re-victimized... Hugs!
Mar 14 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
believeinshawn
believeinshawn's picture

Won't happen

I appreciate your anger at my situation... I've had the same response. I tried to get the judge in trouble, but unless things were said on record that were very "off".. they won't do anything to him based on his decision... because that is HIS JOB. I called to complain about the judge to the commission for the removal of judges, and he is out of office now, he retired the day after he dropped charges against an admitted murderer. We have an abused shelter here, and I went there to speak with them, and the judge wouldn't let them in the courtroom. I didn't go to the police about any of his abuse until I LEFT him, so there is no record, and of course I didn't tell the chiro either at the time. I also spoke to our state representative, and he could do nothing, or chose not to. I also spoke to the national abuse hotlines about having something done, but the ExN wouldn't do anything on radar. He did send porn to the kids in feb 09, and I took the phones to the police and they made a report, and the PA refused to file charges. He did file charges of harassment on ME.. and that was dismissed. I filed a restraining order 3 times... and his lawyer accepted it, but he was never served. He violated it with email, texts and phone messages, but when we went to court, after 1.5 years, I thought was protected, but the judge said he was never served in person, so legally the violations didn't exist! I have no help, no money, and my kids hate me, so they aren't going to like me more if I make more trouble for their father. They were super pissed at me when he beat up my boyfriend in April 09, and we filed charges. The PA did file charges of assault, but when heard in court, and the kids and their friend came to testify that it didn't happen.. even though we had pics from the sheriff and $1100 hospital bill... the judge dismissed all charges. My ExN has the best lawyers in town on his side. his new wife's family owns the movie theater, the baseball museum, and a restaurant in town.. they are reputable, and have power... so NOW, there is nothing I can do. at all.. and it isn't worth the headache and stress, unfortunately. All the evidence I had, I thought was a strong case. I recorded all of his voice messages and they were heard in court. threatening, making fun of me, yelling at me.. reminded me of mel gibson or charlie sheen how he was belligerent and horrifying. The judge was paid off, plain and simple. and I believe my lawyer was paid to back off. I even had to file a motion to amend the divorce just to get my maiden name back... because HIS lawyer drew up all the papers, and the judge just signed them without reading them.... he made NO decision, just went along with HIS lawyer. This town is 8000 ppl in it. it is hick Missouri, red necks, and good ole boy club. My ExN poaches animals (doesn't get caught), trespasses (doesn't get caught), bullies his family (and no one knows it), lies his ass off, cheats, cheats on his taxes... and NEVER gets caught. He's seriously the devil.. the only was I can live is to forget about my kids, and have NO CONTACT with him or his new wife. I wish there was something else I could do, but now, I just have to pray that my kids see the truth about their dad and step mom, and that god guides them to be GOOD people and to see how wrong their lives have been.. and to steer away.
Mar 14 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
beamoflight
beamoflight's picture

OMG, My heart is breaking for

OMG, My heart is breaking for you. Please forgive me for being forward but I wish I could get into my line of work, but I cant as this is a public forum. Ok, what about this approach: (1) accept that your kids live there and right now you cannot fight this. You really must try (much more easy said than done) to find a way to resolve yourself to this fact right now. (2) the cars, the house, the boat-- it's all gone. You have gone through a flood, a fire, a death all rolled into one. The longer you hold on to these "things" in your mind the more they will hurt you. Does that make sense? (3)She has cancer-- let it go. (not that you said this) Dont wish slick death, sick-- keep your heart all for you. Be greedy--- for you. If you sit every day and say "I hope that b&tch drops dead" it's only going to weigh YOU down. Not to insult you-- my ex-whatever he is has a new "love" I am certain of it. I put it out of my mind. Now, my situation does not come even one drop close to yours-- BUT I do know that hate for somebody else-- brings you bad. Always. Just look at what her karma is doing to her and him. You don't need to wish her bad-- it's normal ..lol.. believe me, but you know what? She's taking care of herself. (4)"My ExN poaches animals (doesn't get caught), trespasses (doesn't get caught), bullies his family (and no one knows it), lies his ass off, cheats, cheats on his taxes... and NEVER gets caught. He's seriously the devil.." STOP THIS!!!! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU PLEASE STOP THIS!!!!! Who cares what he gets away with. Can that help you? Pay your bills? Get you close to your kids????? No, all it can do is keep you in pain. All that dewlling on him will only hurt YOU. (I know I'm one to talk ..lol.. but I really try not to focus on the crazy sh*t my whatever-he-was did). This time tell your ego to take a vacation (sweetly I say this). (5)"the only was I can live is to forget about my kids, and have NO CONTACT with him or his new wife". No hunni, it's not. stop. breath. please. wow, I am telling you to breath??? (wow, posting does help alot). Ok, so here is what I think (IMHO) YOU can not win right now-- you can make lemonade out of your lemons-- accept this. You may win in the future, but for now? Lemonade will have to sufice. Here is a secret-- I have 3 kids. You know what is the most amazing thing about kids? They love you. I PROMISE YOU THIS--THEY LOVE YOU!!! Y-O-U!!!!!! NOT MISS SLICK. Please consider this-- (1) no more Boy friends around your kids. THEY need to know YOU are ONLY there for them. No photos of him, dont take his calls around them. THEY COME FIRST. you need to rebuild what that d*ck tore down, but you know what??? You have a GREAT foundation. YOU ARE THE MOMMY!!!!!!! DON'T LET THEM TAKE THAT FROM YOU!!!!! GET IT BACK!!!! If your BF loves you-- then on your time with your kids-- he'll give you that. (2) PHOTOS, PHOTOS, PHOTOS!!!!! scrape up every photo you can of those kids and you and put them all over your house/room/apartment-- EVERYWHERE!!!!!!! If you have none from the past then get a disposable camera and take some! ****HAVE EQUIL NUMBER OF PHOTOS OF EACH KID SO NARCO CANT PIT THE KIDS AGAINST EACH OTHER-- HE'LL DO IT TOO!!!!! (3)visits. TAKE EVERY ONE YOU ARE LEGALLY ENTITLED TO!!!!!! On your visits, it will be hard work at first but don't look to your kids for hugs and "I love you"'s. You're building remember? One thing at a time. FIRST get them to visit without a fight. Make an effort to go to all their school functions, open parent night-- everything. When you go, smile, and try your best to avoid narc boy at all costs. DONT LET HIM KNOW YOU'RE GOING!!! (4)play with your kids. I HIGHLY DOUBT she and he actually play with them. Make them play a board game, anything, cook with them, laugh with them, make yourself look silly and stupd-- who cares? They dont judge you. If you want more let me know. I'm just super tired now. ((((BIG HUGS)))) You need to heal your anger. I need to heal my self esteem. We all need to heal something.
Mar 15 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
believeinshawn
believeinshawn's picture

what I DO, do...

I must sound like a complete twit, so let me explain further. I'll tell u that since my kids were born in 1994, and 1997, I was the only one home. ExN began working LONG 12-14 hour shifts in 1996, and shortly after, began traveling across country and even to OTHER countries. He was home off and on. He'd work for a week to 2 months away from home. Then he'd come back and stay for days up to 3 months at a time not working or doing anything but PLAYING. (while we drained our savings to pay bills) So, I was the one in charge of paying the bills (with HIS money), taking care of kids, taking to daycare, going to college from 1995-1999 (plus 2 years prior to having kids), until I moved out in June 2008. I did have 2 jobs out of the house, at different times, but in 2005, I quit, came back home to be with the boys, and then we purchased a business to do at home and run "together".. you know how that worked out. So, pretty much I WAS IT. They loved me, they looked to me to protect them from his nasty words, and they hated when we'd fight. My youngest would get between us, and tell him to "not hurt my mommy". That being said. My oldest son is in wrestling. I go to every tourney I can get to. I do NOT talk to ExN in ANY WAY. He is blocked from all forms of communication except regular mail. and so is Slick. When I go, I sit as close to my son as possible, so ExN can't. If I can't sit by him, I wait til the tourney is over, and I have my mom or sister go with me to talk to my son for a few minutes. Oldest is also in the band, so I go to every football game to watch, and all his concerts. Youngest son did football, I went to every home game. otherwise, he doesn't do anything for me to go to, and no one informs me to his other activities, and since he won't respond to my txts or calls, I can't get info out of him. my oldest won't tell me anything about the youngest (it's not his day to watch him -he says). I don't have a choice about the boyfriend around my kids. we've been together for 2.5 years, and we currently own a home together, and have a new baby together. I do have pictures of MY kids and family all over the house. snapshots, framed ones, buttons for wrestling, things they've given me. (except a lot is still in storage b/c our house is so small)But when I had youngest over, I had b/f just let us have time. I would hang with son in bedroom watch TV, play on computer, whatever. b/f does not interfere. I would love to take my visits, but they refuse to come see me. they say they are busy, they are going somewhere, don't feel like it, don't want to, etc. and they are 17 and 13, so there is NOTHING I can do to make them come. and EXN and slick DO play with them. once at wrestling, I was there, and 13 yo son came to sit with me for 5 min, then went back to sit with SLICK, and they proceeded to dance and rub each other during the national anthem. I also caught him last summer at a ball game hanging on her shoulders looking into her eyes, and she was totally eating it up. you should have seen their faces when I walked up to him and told him to "come here".... she turned away from me. Ex N tried to get them passports to take them to Bermuda (another country) last year. I had to call the passport alert prog to stop them from getting passports til they are 18 b/c I don't trust their father or HER. they are all about FUN.. both of them drink, to get drunk. She is a pothead.. I'm not sure if he does it or not. he used to proclaim hatred for "druggies". And if I do get time with them, I cook with them (in fact I had them over for xmas time to cook candies.. but they only gave me 2 hours, and were out the door b/c they had plans with THEM... they always take precedence over me... they will break plans with me to go with them) and what i said about him poaching and all that he gets by with.. I don't usually dwell on that. I just wanted to let everyone know how he is.. give you some insight. What i dwell on, what stresses me out... is that i can't have contact with ExN to share in raising our sons. It stresses me out that he REPLACED me.. so he can continue to do what he's always done.. and that is NOT raise our kids. I stress out b/c I know she is laying around the house being depressed like I was... and getting her attention from MY children (she has one son that is 14 who lives with them too... but she and her ex get along, and they have 50/50 custody). She also appears to have a 15 yo mentality.. she has had cancer for 6 months, and has already written a letter to the editor about it. She started the letter as if it pertained to the politics of the town (since her step mom is our mayor!), and then proceeded to talk about her cancer and how even strangers are family now... just ME ME ME. I dwell on the fact that my son got braces without anyone asking me about it. They put him in track, and I just found out when he talked to my mom the other day. Slick once wrote in her Myspace: "I don't understand mothers who don't love their children, but don't want anyone else to love them either."..(and funny because she told my mom once after her son was born that she wasn't cut out to be a mother, and didn't want anymore kids) and I hate that I don't have any control over raising my kids, what they think, see, hear, eat, wear... etc. That was MY FUCKING JOB... and it was ripped away. I deal with losing them every DAY... not just once. I feel like I'm dying on the inside. it is horrible. my neck is killing me I assume from the stress. Also, I don't wish bad upon her.. i think it is sad that Karma is biting her in the ass right now, and it isn't changing her, making her a better person. I do however pray daily that my sons SEE who their dad and slick really are... and I pray for god to take their dad and slick out of their lives. I pray for my sons to come back to me, and to protect their minds from his evil.. I pray for them to have good people in their lives who can direct them in the right path. I'm NOT vindictive like them, but I am extremely angry. especially at ExN for lying to the kids and alienating them from me. the kids never saw what our relationship really was. I hid it from them. (now I wish I hadn't) This year I have seen 13 yo ONE TIME for 2.5 days... in Jan, last time he spent the nite, and 1st time since sept 09. I've seen oldest 6 times total. mostly at wrestling,and once for 10 min on Valentine's day.
Mar 15 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
beamoflight
beamoflight's picture

I must sound like a complete

I must sound like a complete twit, so let me explain further. **Awwww, no way, you don't. When you wrote your post it was in the middle. No way anybody could know-- you dont sound like a twit to me. I'll tell u that since my kids were born in 1994, and 1997, I was the only one home. ExN began working LONG 12-14 hour shifts in 1996, and shortly after, began traveling across country and even to OTHER countries. He was home off and on. He'd work for a week to 2 months away from home. Then he'd come back and stay for days up to 3 months at a time not working or doing anything but PLAYING. (while we drained our savings to pay bills) So, I was the one in charge of paying the bills (with HIS money), taking care of kids, taking to daycare, going to college from 1995-1999 (plus 2 years prior to having kids), until I moved out in June 2008. ****How you did it, that's amazing. I don't think I could have done all that by myself. Although, hey, you were alone. You had no choice. Us women always have more work. I did have 2 jobs out of the house, at different times, but in 2005, I quit, came back home to be with the boys, and then we purchased a business to do at home and run "together".. you know how that worked out. **ouch. sorry. So, pretty much I WAS IT. They loved me, they looked to me to protect them from his nasty words, and they hated when we'd fight. My youngest would get between us, and tell him to "not hurt my mommy". **Sounds like you laid a nice foundation. That being said. My oldest son is in wrestling. I go to every tourney I can get to. **THAT is great! He appreciates it-- trust me, deep inside wether he says it or not, he does. I do NOT talk to ExN in ANY WAY. He is blocked from all forms of communication except regular mail. and so is Slick. When I go, I sit as close to my son as possible, so ExN can't. If I can't sit by him, I wait til the tourney is over, and I have my mom or sister go with me to talk to my son for a few minutes. **that's great, I'd do the same. Oldest is also in the band, so I go to every football game to watch, and all his concerts. Youngest son did football, I went to every home game. otherwise, he doesn't do anything for me to go to, and no one informs me to his other activities, and since he won't respond to my txts or calls, I can't get info out of him. my oldest won't tell me anything about the youngest (it's not his day to watch him -he says). **Ok so you're doing everything I would... hmmmm... maybe there is a way to get through to the younger guy. I don't have a choice about the boyfriend around my kids. we've been together for 2.5 years, and we currently own a home together, and have a new baby together. **Sorry, I did not know this. But that's great! I do have pictures of MY kids and family all over the house. snapshots, framed ones, buttons for wrestling, things they've given me. (except a lot is still in storage b/c our house is so small) **Sorry again. A lot of people I know don't do this and I know how much kids like it, That's why I suggested it. But when I had youngest over, I had b/f just let us have time. I would hang with son in bedroom watch TV, play on computer, whatever. b/f does not interfere. **That's nice he gives you that time. I would love to take my visits, but they refuse to come see me. they say they are busy, they are going somewhere, don't feel like it, don't want to, etc. and they are 17 and 13, so there is NOTHING I can do to make them come. ***hmmm.... that is hard. and EXN and slick DO play with them. once at wrestling, I was there, and 13 yo son came to sit with me for 5 min, then went back to sit with SLICK, and they proceeded to dance and rub each other during the national anthem. I also caught him last summer at a ball game hanging on her shoulders looking into her eyes, and she was totally eating it up. you should have seen their faces when I walked up to him and told him to "come here".... she turned away from me. **Ouch. I feel badly for you. I would have cried. Ex N tried to get them passports to take them to Bermuda (another country) last year. I had to call the passport alert prog to stop them from getting passports til they are 18 b/c I don't trust their father or HER. they are all about FUN.. both of them drink, to get drunk. She is a pothead.. I'm not sure if he does it or not. he used to proclaim hatred for "druggies". And if I do get time with them, I cook with them (in fact I had them over for xmas time to cook candies.. but they only gave me 2 hours, and were out the door b/c they had plans with THEM... they always take precedence over me... they will break plans with me to go with them) Hmmm... wow. hard, very hard. and what i said about him poaching and all that he gets by with.. I don't usually dwell on that. I just wanted to let everyone know how he is.. give you some insight. **Oh, ok, well, can I tell you, please dont be offended he sounds like a jerk. What i dwell on, what stresses me out... is that i can't have contact with ExN to share in raising our sons. It stresses me out that he REPLACED me.. so he can continue to do what he's always done.. and that is NOT raise our kids. I stress out b/c I know she is laying around the house being depressed like I was... and getting her attention from MY children (she has one son that is 14 who lives with them too... but she and her ex get along, and they have 50/50 custody). She also appears to have a 15 yo mentality.. she has had cancer for 6 months, and has already written a letter to the editor about it. She started the letter as if it pertained to the politics of the town (since her step mom is our mayor!), and then proceeded to talk about her cancer and how even strangers are family now... just ME ME ME. I dwell on the fact that my son got braces without anyone asking me about it. They put him in track, and I just found out when he talked to my mom the other day. Slick once wrote in her Myspace: "I don't understand mothers who don't love their children, but don't want anyone else to love them either."..(and funny because she told my mom once after her son was born that she wasn't cut out to be a mother, and didn't want anymore kids) and I hate that I don't have any control over raising my kids, what they think, see, hear, eat, wear... etc. That was MY FUCKING JOB... and it was ripped away. I deal with losing them every DAY... not just once. I feel like I'm dying on the inside. it is horrible. my neck is killing me I assume from the stress. **thank god it's only your neck! Also, I don't wish bad upon her.. i think it is sad that Karma is biting her in the ass right now, and it isn't changing her, making her a better person. I do however pray daily that my sons SEE who their dad and slick really are... and I pray for god to take their dad and slick out of their lives. I pray for my sons to come back to me, and to protect their minds from his evil.. I pray for them to have good people in their lives who can direct them in the right path. I'm NOT vindictive like them, but I am extremely angry. especially at ExN for lying to the kids and alienating them from me. the kids never saw what our relationship really was. I hid it from them. (now I wish I hadn't). ***Wow, they are using the kids to hurt you! I say you're 500% right to be angry, I'd be PISSED OFF TOO!!!!!! This year I have seen 13 yo ONE TIME for 2.5 days... in Jan, last time he spent the nite, and 1st time since sept 09. I've seen oldest 6 times total. mostly at wrestling,and once for 10 min on Valentine's day. I hope this will help your fight. I feel so badly for you. http://disgustedwiththesystem.blogspot.com/2010/12/holisstic-healing-for-victims-of-parent.html AND http://parentalalienationsyndromemaryland.blogspot.com/
Mar 15 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
believeinshawn
believeinshawn's picture

in re:

I hope I'm not (because I don't mean to) come across as a total bitch. I'm just so angry, and trying to find a way to deal. There is so much to my story, and it is TOTALLY unbelieveable to most. Everything I say is 100% true to my memory. I am going to read the above articles when I have a little more time. I honestly feel I am doing the best I can given the circumstances. I hold it together most of the time, smile and say that I just pray about it. but at home when I'm in my safe place, I feel like a total freak. I feel helpless and hopeless, and confused and shocked all the time. and why it still gets to me? well, only because of the kids. :( I hope I can read this forum and get feed back in the next little while that will give me solace. I have so much love for my sons whether they hate me or love me. I will always love them. They are so smart, and have so much to offer. I am momma bear in a trap. I also want to educate other women who are abused by these men what CAN happen. thanks for your input!
Mar 15 - 11PM (Reply to #12)
beamoflight
beamoflight's picture

actually, if it makes you

actually, if it makes you feel any better-- your story was the one that made me realize just how lucky I am. I was in the middle of breking up with my exhusband when I met the N. He kinda pushed it faster. I wonder if we may have tried counceling if my marraige would have made it, but the N did a swoop and drop. I do take responsibilty though. For my marraige it was just tough with working so much and my son always sick and in the hospital. The lack of sleep, time, money & patients ... maybe with some counceling, who knows. With the N I take responsibility because I saw the lights, heard the bells & whistles and I ignored them all. I was too busy chasing something I always wanted rather than looking at what it really was. What did I want? Love, happiness, money? ..lol.. I wont lie, the N is very wealthy and I liked the look of his life style.... Was it real? for him yes, for me, never. He'd never be what I want or give me the love I need but yet I chose to chase anyway. No, I don't think you're a bitch. I think you're doing way amazing under the circumstances.... and yes, Seeing how horrible your situation is (I'm sorry to say it like that as I don't mean it cruely) reminded me of just how lucky I really am. See, your story on Lisa's website gave me my first great day in what feels like forever (it's been so long since I've had an actual good day), so thanks! G'night doll! :)
Mar 16 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
believeinshawn
believeinshawn's picture

I'm happy for you

I'm really glad you realized things for you. I hope you can start healing too.. I need to go read your story. I was talking with a good friend yesterday who was going to make a prayer chain for me and my kids... so after long silence from my youngest, I get this text: "no contact with you= no problems. Everytime we talk we fight. I love you. You are my mom. But please, be more leanient. Thats what all our fights are about" I sent him back this one: "Honey you don't know how much I care about you and miss you. And ur right, it seems to me everytime we have a great time, something happens over there to make u pissed @ me while I have no clue about it on my end. I never want to fight with you. But I am also ur mom, and my job is to protect and teach, not agree with you all the time. but i wish we cud discuss things in person so you can hear my voice, b/c I promis I haven't been yelling @ u. I am not a mean person. and I wish you cud talk to me like a human and not just ignore me. I am a reasonalbe person. thank you for texting me. means a lot to me. hope ur having a nice break" I know it was a lot, but when I think he's hearing me I need to get it all out. we'll see if it was a mistake.
Mar 14 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Believeinshawn

If it's any validation...I believe every word you've said...I surmise some don't...I believe EVERY word you've said and it is horrorfying to learn about the re-victimization of victims by the very system that is supposed to protect them. I have a friend that something similar happened to...I empathize with the pain that this must cause you. There isn't a darn thing I can say or do to eradicate any of it...but please know I stand in solidarity with you over the outrage... This board has been a lifesaver for me Believeinshawn, it really has...I have the higest respect and regard for everyone on this board because they get it...and they can see through it... Stick close to the board...it is very clear you have covered any and all bases that you possibly could...so in that respect while unfortunate when these things happen the best we can do is embrace that we can only be responsible for our efforts *which yours were exceptional* but not always the outcome. I too pray that one day this will come to pass and your children will see the light...but the most important thing you can do for you is heal. The reality is parental alienation once a successful campaign has been implemented is very hard to overcome...the kids have been brainwashed...but you can always hold out hope... You have a new baby now, and a new beginning and all you can do from the distance he's created is love your children unconditionally even though they have no idea...my heart really really goes out to you...this is a tragic story...and I wish I was there to give you a hug. Be kind to yourself...you did everything you possibly could... Hugs!
Apr 25 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
believeinshawn
believeinshawn's picture

Surviving another holiday

Well, yesterday was Easter. I expected the kids to come over b/c that is the only chance I have of seeing them. I asked them both earlier in the week, and they said they would. then, on Saturday, my 13 yo asked what time are we doing Easter. i told him noon, but sooner if he wanted to just visit a while. then he said he could come at 2pm. Grr, I said why, and he said they were doing a hunt, then church, then lunch. Even though he KNEW he was coming to see me. So, he made plans with ME, then broke them to go to church.. (which obviously they didn't do that before), and they ended up going out of town to eat. they didn't even have a decent dinner at home. Some happy family. All orchestrated to keep the boys away from me. I heard they were back by 1pm, and i never heard from the boys. the oldest went to work, and the youngest didn't ever call. so we had a fish fry at my house, and the family left at 4pm, and that was it. Last year, I drove to MN to see my friend to avoid the holiday b/c I figured the boys didn't want to see me. Neither year have they told me happy easter or thank me for the card/candy. I handled it ok I guess. My sister talked to my oldest, and he thought it was stupid they went to another town JUST to eat (it's like an hour away) ,and he said he slept the whole way there, and back). when my sister said why didn't you just come see us then? he said he didn't want to argue with them. I guess that says it all, huh? I also heard that youngest is playing baseball this year. He used to play, but quit (I believe b/c his father was always on him for not doing a good enough job). I asked why he is playing this year, and he said because everyone always says I'm lazy, so if i play sports, then I'm not! Also 'slick" the step mom inherited a baseball museum and is the sec of the little league. So it ticks me of b/c it has more to do with HER than anything. I hate that she has so much pull with MY kids.. and I hate her for making them forget about me. I have so much to say, but I'm exhausted just thinking about it all
Apr 26 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
dudette
dudette's picture

Believe

I have read you story and I am so sorry :-(..... I have nothing else to say.... I can only hope that things get better for you soon and that your sons will grow to realize the manipulations that they have been drawn into... Lots of love and hugs to you D x x x x