Being honest with myself

I had posted this morning about my venting, I needed to get some things off my chest. I am going to be honest with myself now.

I get angry, sad, upset at certain times. This happens to me every other weeekend, and every Thursday. These are the times he has our son for visitation. I wish I could be like some of you without children and truely do NC. I have to deal with this person for the rest of my life. I hate him for that. I want him to go away, leave forever. I keep myself busy during those times, cleaning, dinners, shopping, etc.

It snowed here yesterday. So when my son was returned to me last night, he said "mommy! mommy! daddy shoveled the driveway and your parking spot for you" UGHHHHH

I can see what the ex is doing, playing the nice guy, proving that he is such a wonderful and thoughtful person. He could be, but only certain times. Remember, I lived with him 24/7, so I know the true him.

I can tell the ex is trying to keep things civil with me, engaging in conversation, trying to come inside my house. I don't let him, as hard as it is, I keep it civil. I tell him he cannot come in, and he needs to say goodbye to our son, and see you later. Ex tries to engage, but I don't let him. As hard as I want to grab him sometimes, I don't. As hard as I want to contact him, I don't. I don't let him see any of my emotions, yet I am dying inside.

What I don't get....I kicked him out. He had every right to start a new life. and god knows he did....but why do I care? Why am I so hurt/upset with how happy he is projecting himself to family and friends, new wife, new baby, new home....

5 months since he left. God I hope time helps me. Nobody understands what I am going through and what I feel like all day, everyday.

Thank you for listening to my rant. This is so difficult. I am doing my best to move on, but some days are harder than others ;-(