Is being cheap a Narc trait?

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#1 Aug 16 - 12AM
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

Is being cheap a Narc trait?

Sometimes when I am reading different posts on this site, someone will mention a "cheap gift" or something like that. So I was wondering if being cheap was a N characteristic. I ask because my Narc was BEYOND cheap. So strange because he had money, absolutely NO issue with that. He made a GREAT living, his big house was paid off, etc, but he was so cheap. I would love to hear your stories about how cheap your Narc was if that is the case. Maybe we can all have a good laugh tonight. I have so many stories to tell about how cheap my Narc was. The first one that comes to mind is that he said about 5 days before my birthday a few years ago that he wanted to take me out. He got back into town about 2 days after my birthday. He seemed to "forget" it was my birthday. So after he picked me up I said..where are we going. And as he was looking out the window of the car he said, "hey lets see if we can find a deli in one of these strip malls. Do you see a deli there near the 7-11"? I almost jumped out of the car. To bad I didn't!! That would have been less painful. xoxo AC

Aug 17 - 1PM
janine
janine's picture

Cheap, stingy

with everyone except himself and what served as supply, recognition, admiration. In such cases he was so stupid he got abused without ever noticing or admitting it. Same as others described here, we went to expensive restaurants when I paid and cheap ones, when he did. I soon put a stop to it by paying no more. His heating was icy cold in winter, while he sat wrapped in blankets and - would you believe it - a knitted cap! I told him, since I refused to undress in the cold, there'd be no more sex. After that his first question, when I came in, was "Is it warm enough?" His son told me endless stories like the one, when the family had gone on holidays together and the boy wanted a lemonade with his dinner. No way, because a jug of house wine was included in the evening meals. So he had to drink that mixed with tap water, kid was 9 years old. I could go on all night, same many of you would have lots to tell,hm? A shame we cannot get together and Helldweller, who is an author, could write a book about it. For the first time ever we would profit from what we had with them.
Aug 16 - 6PM
Kelbel
Kelbel's picture

My NH was very cheap. We

My NH was very cheap. We both made the same amount of money but yet I had an allowance every two weeks. Before we moved in together I had saved a considerable amount of money in my bank account and put it in his savings when we moved in. I thought my name was on the savings; but it was not. Needless to say we were married two months and he kicked me out for buying a family picture frame for the house with "our" checking acct instead of my allowance....It was awful!! And for our anniversary he gave me a blank card and said he didnt have time to fill it out. I was so sad...and he got angry with me and said at least I bought the damn card. It was my fault for getting upset.

Kelli

Aug 17 - 1PM (Reply to #22)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

My First Wedding Anniversary

My N gave me ZERO & said: "I didn't think you'd want to celebrate." Me, fool who did not want to celebrate, had a stack of presents for him! We were in divorce proceedings by the time the third anniversary rolled about. The second anniversary is a hoot. For about six months before, everytime he was angry with me, he'd tell me that he had already bought my anniversary present. How much he loved me. Going on & on about how ungrateful I was. Gee. I'm thinking maybe this is something really nice like the ring I had told him I wanted. Ladies! I got a stone! Yep. A stone. It was engraved with some nonsense about "To Name With Love" and embedded in a sidewalk in a new park in our town! He paid $500 for a rock which I could not even use as a paperweight or a doorstopper. ANd for this I was supposed to be grateful. When relatives came to town, we had to go see the rock. All my friends & family acted like this was better than wonder bread. And did I feel guilty because I thought this was so stupid to spend money on a rock in a park when there was so much I could have had for the money. When I left him, my friends & family agreed it was stupid but they did not want to hurt his or my feelings. So, how we enable the N to get away with his crap. Even until the day I moved out he blacked mailed me with that rock. "I proclaimed to the world my love for you! Everybody in town can read I love you!" Made a big deal of giving me the rock's certificate. And, he already had a new women with whom he was living but thought he was keeping it a secret from me. PS, I gave him zero for our second anniversary.
Aug 16 - 6PM
positivefuture
positivefuture's picture

sooo cheap!

mine wasn't cheap with himself, and occassionaly not with me either. but then he'd have weird cheap moments. he made a great living. was left a fortune from his father and would lend a friend or stanger thousands. but... one bday (i posted this before) he wanted to fly to my city and take me to taco bell which then in the parking lot prior to dinner at TACO BELL he would c*m on my t*ts for the greatest bday gift of all. NOT KIDDING or if we were at the grocery store, when checking out suddenly he'd forget something so i'd have to pay for what was in the cart. we went to dinner with friends and he almost always paid, but then occassionaly he'd suddenly have to leave dinner and he'd tell his friends to pay for us and he'd pay them back, never did though. but other times, super generous! weird. all about the control.
Aug 16 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Philosophically cheap

My ex-Psych professor thought he was America's Next Top Philosopher. He claimed he had profound insights... but he'd never go so far, or stoop so low, as to actually SHARE them (except with his male disciples) He hardly gave me anyTHING--but then again, he wasn't honest either. I couldn't have a philosophical discussion with him. If it got too profound, he'd freeze up, stonewall, or freak out.
Aug 16 - 2PM
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

Reading these "Cheap"

Reading these "Cheap" stories sounded very familiar to me. A few times I thought a few of you were speaking about my N (ex N, that is). He wasn't at all cheap with himself, he spent $200,000. thou on a boat for himself, went skiing at resorts, (never with me, but once with a o/w who was 20 years younger bombo who was broke, just to show off ) he paid off his big house, had a motorcycle, but never did things like that for me. A few of my favorite cheap stories is that several times when we would go out to eat (and we rarely did) he would ask me if I would like to "share a dinner". Share a dinner?? OMG. He would say that he wasn't hunger. Then when the dinner would come he would woof it down. OMG!! However, the times when I was paying for dinner (which I did most of the time) he would eat like there was no tomorrow. One time he said "lets go to a nice place to eat". Then when he got out of the car I noticed he had a bottle of wine in a paper bad in his hand. He said he wanted to bring in his own bottle because it was cheaper than buying a glass!! I can understand bringing in your own bottle when you have an expensive and rare wine that is expensive. But his bottle was only $6 dollars!! Then when the waitress told him that she would charge him a "cork fee" he didn't tip her. I could go on and on and now I feel like puking because of how I put up with this. In the 5 years we were together he only bought me ONE expensive gift, and he spent only $175 dollars on it. Don't get me wrong. I have plenty of money. And so does he. It isn't about money. It is about the stingy-ness and thoughtless-ness of these men. I have been told that the reason he keeps going out with bimbos from his work is because he can wow them with his money and the "stuff" that he owns, but can't wow me with money because I got my own. So I was told that he uses his money on them just so that they can stroke him and his sorry ass ego. Maybe feel like puking now is a good thing. Hopefully that will work well to keep NC with him. xoxo
Aug 17 - 12AM (Reply to #18)
broken23
broken23's picture

AC... "when i was paying for

AC... "when i was paying for dinner which i did most of the time, he ate like no tomm" Seriously same here. If he paid it was subway. If I paid it was steakhouses, and ordering the most expensive kind of wine and sake (even if i wasnt drinking). So rude. One time i paid for dinner he couldnt even sit through, when he was done, he said ill wait outside because he wanted to smoke. such a leech
Aug 16 - 9AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I've never known a cheaper

I've never known a cheaper person than my N. He won't turn the heat on in the winter. He sets the temp in the house at 55. He doesn't turn the air on in the Summer. He never ever goes out to eat unless I pay. He buys the cheapest groceries possible. The only thing he goes all out on are things for himself. Like his boat, his ipod, his truck. These are things he spends money on. He won't spend money on vacation or dinners or movies. He's very very cheap.
Aug 16 - 9AM
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

I think.....

That my asshole N thought that by him "allowing" me to spend time with him was his gift to me !! Mine was very cheap !! In 6 years, I think I got, oh I don't know, maybe 4 gifts. But of course, he had a million idea on what "we" (decoded into ME) could buy his kids for Christmas. He never spent a dime on his kids, but would boast about all the cool things "we" bought them. Of course, I did not mind spending $$ on his kids, I loved them like they were my own, but he NEVER would even chip in. (I truly miss those kids) And the cheap bastard bitches about having to send his Ex wife $52 a week (state minimum and 2 kids) in child support !! But he would not flinch at buying himself a new computer or video game or some dorky clothes/shoes that he thought looked good on him.
Aug 16 - 8AM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

They vary

The ex was extremely generous financially. I think he has very unrealistic ideas about money, and also know that he's very status conscious. So will spend to get the coolest house, nicest clothes, etc. Or would buy me things that made me look cooler/better. Or would buy me gifts that he could brag about to others. Or give away money then make a big deal about it on FB--trying to position the comment in such a way that he was making some point other than to say "hey! hey! I gave away money, aren't I generous??" Long story short I think mostly you could boil it down to his gaining some supply with every purchase. Gift with purchase, just like at the Clinique counter! :)
Aug 16 - 8AM
Used
Used's picture

acgirl

yes they are cheap, like their personality,ive known nf, to sit in a pub, not buying a drink waiting for someone he knew to come in,nfemalefriend, would do the same but in cafe,s, she now goes to one, that sells the cheapest cup of tea in town, saying oh they make such a fuss of me when i go in there, yeah right. i keep getting wake up calls, of how could i have stayed around,2 narcs bought me gifts but it was not about me, they would say show soso what i bought you, or in narcs case, cos he had dissappeared for the first time and came back to a totally diffrent person, he couldnt know, that my parents leaving me at an early age, i learned early on to cover my self, so i was waiting for anyone to go, but he didnt know this, that when they come back, not just him, i am diffrent, they have done just what i expected them to do, so they are not special to me anymore, when he disappeared he left a friend who hung on his ever word, and he could do no wrong, when he came back, i looked at him when he was talking and said for fucks sake shut up, ime not listening to your whinging anymore, and he could never do any right again, he bought me a gold jewellery, which he begrudged big time, i then posted it back to him, he done the same with a necklace, i done the same again. they are as mean with there money as they are will thier feelings. god help them cos i wouldnt. i taught my self very young out of sight out of mind. and i can do it big time.they dont exsist.
Aug 16 - 8AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Cheap

Just to clarify: Of course, NOT cheap at all when it came to him and his family. He spent about a million dollars rehabbing his house, including installing a 25K marble kitchen island top which he will never use. He has flat screen t.v.s in every single room, including the bathroom, and his plumber told me the faucet in the kitchen cost three thousand dollars. He bought last minute plane tickets for him and his child to fly to California to see his "friend" but wouldn't pay for parking when we went out. He bought a three hundred dollar bike for his foster child which he already outgrew, and brought cases of expensive wine to his brother's house every time we went. He has never brought ANYTHING to my house. As gifts he's given me some mismatched dining room chairs that he was throwing out (because mine were all broken), a coffee pot from his mom's house, and to my daughters an old comforter with cats on it that hadn't been washed. It was so obvious when he d&d'd me, because during our "honeymoon" phase he gave me a really expensive gold necklace for my birthday, but then (after the child came) SHOES for Christmas.
Aug 16 - 8AM
hopefuljms
hopefuljms's picture

Mine was confusing about his

Mine was confusing about his spending. Of course like all of the others if it was for himself, then money was no object. He did buy me a lot of really nice gifts (when I was on his good side) but as soon as I did something that he didn't like the next gift was as cheap as you could get! Also whenever we went out he expected me to pick up the check half of the time and if I didn't thank him profusely when he paid he said I was taking advantage of him. It was like being with a yo yo with this idiot. I do really feel sorry for the new wife (got married yesterday). She is about to be hit by an emotional train and has no clue.
Aug 16 - 8AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Cheap

Mine owned tons of property, a huge house, a boat, made 140K a year, inherited a fortune from his parents, and when we went to dinner it was to the BYOB Mexican place. The bill was never more than twelve dollars. He often said, "Where are you taking me to dinner tonight?" I think I already mentioned that he would forbid me from bringing anything when we went to people's houses, like wine. "They will expect it next time," he used to say. Keep it for us. Hmmmm . . . . He used to drive an hour and a half to the next state to buy cigarettes, because the tax was lower. He would park on the street at our favorite restaurant rather than in the free lot, so he wouldn't have to tip the attendant.
Aug 16 - 6AM
Bodhi
Bodhi's picture

Yuppers

Mine was very cheap unless it was for him or he needed to make some sort of public statement about how awesome he was...
Aug 16 - 5AM
awayfromhim
awayfromhim's picture

Ns come in all shapes, sizes

Ns come in all shapes, sizes and financial status. The N was not cheap when it came to what he wanted. Cars, boat, motorcycles. He used all the money on himself so when it came to something I needed for myself or the kids he had a comment to make in order to put an effort out there for me to not spend. He tells his daughter he can't meet a payment for her wedding and during the next conversation he tells her how he's going on vacation with the GF, just got the new iphone and is planning a cruise with her during the holidays.
Aug 16 - 5AM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

My ex-narc was poor when I

My ex-narc was poor when I met him but he and his father were failed and succesful business men and they soon set a new company that did well. He was quite mean tho. He was wealthy but he rarely bought me presents outside of birthdays. He did take us for food but he used to moan about it yet he often would splurge, his money to woo and impress his friends by buying rounds of champagne or taking friends for meals. I actually think that my narc husband used this imformation to present himself as something oppiste, to prove he was beter than VERY rich successful ex.... They met a few times...and argued politics etc. It was tedious looking back.... He made a point of spending money that he didnt have. He bought me a cd the second date we had, having already uncovered that information about my past major break up on our very first date... he then bought me many very expensive gifts throughout the first few years.. Now he has not need to woo me or play me, he doest spend money on me. he just makes sure that every penny we give to or take each from other is added up and counted for... However at christmas he bought us (my son and I) very expensive presents and had the, delivered his mothers house. They came in huge boxes and two of them were these ornate indian drums that must have cost a rocket. We decided to still share Christmas for our sons sake. He made himself look pretty generous infront of his family. I felt embarrsessed. It makes me look like the ungrateful difficult to please wife.. I dont know, I think these guys swing between cheap and not cheap in relation to the people they need to manipulate at the time. They will use whatever means possible to manipulate the outside world in the objectified way they view people as items to be acquired and disposed off. Money, obects, people are all the same thing to them...
Aug 16 - 2AM
NancyM
NancyM's picture

CHEAP???

Yup, always told me how the eXes took him o the cleaners. Except, it turned out, that they got everything they deserved. Hmmmm.... great man. Always was the one with the great present. Yup, a present makes up for the fact that you are never around, and never supportive.

Nevergoback

Aug 16 - 2AM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Yes, definitely. Stingy like

Yes, definitely. Stingy like crazy. Stingy with money, feelings, everything. Let's talk about someone who made his family live in Canada without heating, using only a wood stove. It was cheaper, right? And I still wonder if his wife was right in running into a woman shelter with the kids.
Aug 16 - 1AM
sweetsamm
sweetsamm's picture

I have 2 completely dif

I have 2 completely dif narcs....my first is the verbally abusive,mean,narc,the latest is the don juan,reel you in then dump you narc.....anyway,the latest as he was wooing me,paid off a 2000debt for me,totally out of the blue,i thought he was a dream come true..as we dated,he started getting wierd about money,he was pissed i picked an expensive steakhouse to eat at (he drives an eighty thousand dollar car)...he said he doesn't spend money on food....we went out to dinner and i felt so guilty i only ordered a house salad and he was mad i didn't eat the whole thing..lol..when i was moving i gave him my old wedding ring to put in his safe,he said he had his ex's ring...expecting to see something way bigger than mine...i couldn't believe it...it was about half a carat and ugly!! mine 1.5carats looked like the fricking HOPE diamond! Oh,and the bouquet he sent me after our first date......well,it was like 5 red daisys....something a 7th grader would send to a girlfriend with paper route money! Anyway,after he dumped me i asked for my ring back,and he said I'm selling it for my 2000 back!! It was NEVER a loan! never asked for the money.....still figuring out what to do about that one....
Aug 16 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
TraumaMama
TraumaMama's picture

Cheap cheap cheap

My exH narc (mean, unfaithful abusive) is a multimillionaire who pays 100K+ for hunting trips to Africa but tries constantly to drop child support. He won't pay for anything extra for the kids and he pays me very little. Jerk! Don Juan Narc (borderline+narc) was romantic, cute, charming, and sweet, sweet, sweet in the beginning. He was going to pay off all my debts with me because we are a "couple." Well he devalued and discarded me after a year and left me with debt, debt, debt and a custody battle with narc #1. Let's see....he has an awesome job BUT he took me to Sonic or McDonalds for dinner. I did get some pretty flowers ONCE on Valentine's Day in the beginning. No birthday present. In fact, I flew to where he lived and took his 3 kids to Six Flags for MY birthday. I spent a thousand bucks of my own money for my birthday on his behalf. These guys are slick that way. I got one bottle of perfume for Christmas but I spent another thousand bucks on hosting him and his kids at my house. Cheap chocolates and a cheap card on Valentine's Day during the devalue/discard. I was so on edge and mixed up by how mean he was that I FORGOT to give him the gifts I had bought him this last Valentine's Day. I was trembling nonstop and couldn't think straight. He was playing those crazy games cheaters play. For a relationship that happened over a year...he gave me very little and was cheap to the max. He is probably telling people that I gave him nothing for Valentine's Day and that is his excuse for dumping me like he did. I did take him to a movie that day and I paid for it...he refused to hold my hand.
Aug 16 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Cheapskates

Oh yes, he was and is cheap. I hear about it constantly from the kids. He will not buy them ANYTHING! Won't take them anywhere if $$$ is involved. My 15 year old asked him if he would take her to get her Learner's Permit at the DMV, he asked how much it cost. He didn't take her, which would have been a great DAD thing to do, but no! He can't spend any money on anyone other than himself. He won't take them to movies. When he does take them out to eat, he takes them to Taco Bell! He sold my son's bike last summer and then told him it was "in the shop being repaired." The bike never got out of the shop, and soon after, the N had a new road bike. He bought himself a new mountain bike too, has an IPhone, Netflix, and full Cable. Cheap doesn't even begin to cover it!
Aug 17 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
TraumaMama
TraumaMama's picture

Cheapskates

This sounds so familiar. My exNH is the same. I was the ONE to take my daughter to the DMV for her learner's permit and I paid for driver's education. He isn't about to do anything extra for his kids. However, he spends 100s of thousands of dollars a year on his own hobbies. I make a humble living and yet I pay for everything. He will spend money if it is something he wants, if it is convenient for him, and if it makes him look good. It is always about him and never about the kids.