Been looking for my ex narc's ex....

it is a hard urge to fight. You want to contact the women he was with and may stil be married to and the women you know he is cheating on you with. You want to tell them who he is, what he is about, and warn them. Honestly, the mean part of me wants to embarass him and ruin his play but he will just replensih the supply and move on. I am realllllllly hoping karma gets him.

I remember during the final D&D, my classmates would tell me to console me, "The ex-Psych prof&his girlfriend won't last." They did the "past behavior predicts future behavior" scenario. I recently retold my story in another forum, and a woman said "I doubt he&his wife lasted. I bet they're not together now." Well, guess what? The ex-Psych prof and his wife have been together for a DECADE. I used to be the type who'd buy into false promises, and I look at those attempts at consolation, while coming from a good place&with the intent to heal, that they would NOT help. Instead of focusing on how the ex-P treats his wife, or seeing how shabbily he treated her, I have to remember-how did he treat ME? He dismissed MY feelings. He was callous towards ME. He disrespected ME. He kicked ME when I was down. He mocked ME when my grandfather died. He engaged in suicide ideation with ME. He reduced ME to tears publicly. He humiliated ME. He called ME a slut if I wore anything feminine. He lied to ME in not mentioning his girlfriend's existence when he knew I was enamored of him. I have no desire to go to the ex-P's wife for validation... I'd look crazy-cray anyhow. The OW/wife is a side issue, a diversion from how he treated me. I don't know how the ex-P treats his wife, I don't care, it doesn't matter. But how he treated ME? now that's what makes the difference. He treated me badly as a student... he would've treated me WORSE as a girlfriend and wife. I was already an OBJECT in his eyes. Nothing more need be said.

It is not your fault. If you have recognised N traits in him from what he has told you and what you have read then there is your proof. You have to go through the steps (sorry, I don't know your full story) but once a N, always a N. Your perception that everybody loves him is probably because you were only exposed to certain people, what about his family and colleagues - they might tell a different story. You have discovered that he has lied to you too about his current situation and his past. Those are classic N characteristics. You don't need to contact anyone for clarification but in my experience all past N associations turn out to be the nicest women who were just as hoodwinked as us. It's like a sisterhood which is what you have found here too. Stay with the community here for strength, confirmation, healing and the path forward. Big hugs. Dee x

...in fact, I have sometimes obsessed about the idea of talking to the n's girlfriend, who married him a few weeks ago. It has always seemed to me that she would be the one person who, having been in an intimate relationship with him, would understand how I felt. Obviously, since she just married him, she's still happy with him. I feel fairly certain that this will not last. I also had a very, very illuminating and comforting conversation once with my late husband's ex-girlfriend, in which I found out that many of the unkind things he did to me he also did to her. (I should say my late husband was not a narcissist, there were many good things about that relationshp, and his ex and I had a quite tender conversation about him.) It was so reassuring to me to learn that some of the things I experienced were only patterns on the part of my husband, and really had little to do with me. I don't think, however, that talking to the N's wife -- which would happen some time in the future, if and when he treats her the same way he treated me -- would ever be as healing for me. I don't know her well, but some things about her behavior have always struck me as evidence that she too has immaturity and selfishness issues. She has always seemed to see me as a rival, and I just have a hunch that talking to me about my own experiences with him would spark jealousy in her, rather than sympathy. I also have a hunch that she would be so focused on her own hurt that she would not have much sympathy for mine, and that would make me feel even more hurt and lonely. (This insecurity on her part, by the way -- which contrasts with my husband's ex-girlfriend's confidence, has everything to do with the way the N treats everyone around him. He makes EVERYONE insecure, which my husband did not.) So I'm thinking I should leave this thought of contacting the N's wife entirely, permanently alone. I like what the other person said -- it would be "bonding with a strange woman" and rehashing the pain, and it would be a form of contact. Let's just not do it, shall we?

I know you are looking for answers but in my opinion contacting her is not the route you want to take. I have recently been contacted by the new supply and honestly, I would just rather be left alone to concentrate on my own healing. Whatever her experiences with him were, yours clearly have not been positive. I know it hurts and I understand your desire to want to find out that it just wasn't you but she isn't with him for a reason. You will not be able to begin healing as long as you are still making it about him. I understand, I truly do, but from where I stand, I prefer to be left alone. Xoxo

contacted by freak boy's crazy ex (and she was crazy because he made her crazy) I posted on here whether or not to talk to her. By then he had D & D'd me and I wanted to see if she could shed more light. She had tried to contact me in the past when I was still in the relationship and I always ignored her e-mails and phone calls. After the D & D, I was so hurting and confused and had CD big time, I thought maybe it would help to talk to her. When I asked the question to the community here, Ally posted something that really resonated with me. She said something like: "bonding with some strange woman over a disordered man who tried to take you down will probably not help you move forward in your healing." Most others, with a few exceptions, thought it would not help me and that it would "keep me in it" because it is a form of contact. I thought they were right. I realized that if I talked to her it would be a form of contact. I already knew everything *I* needed to know about this man and re-hashing things with a strange woman who I know nothing about wouldn't change anything. I hope this helps some, meik. You're still early in this process and it is quite a process. Hang in there! Remember, it's all about you now and shifting the focus off of his disordered ass and onto what you need to feel good about yourself and to be good to yourself. Most sincerely, (trying not to be) spinning. FREAK BOY IS BACK IN TOWN BUT I WILL NEVER LET HIM TAKE ME DOWN

I have spent some time wondering about that, too. I think the truth is that he treats everyone the same way, if he can get away with it. We teach people how to treat us. My ex friend was as awful to me as I allowed, while he was loved by others that he treated rather well. It was a fake persona he had with them. Most people will not put up with that treatment, nor should they. It's a lesson learned.