Been awhile since I was here....I took him back.

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#1 Jul 17 - 8PM

chickie3040

Been awhile since I was here....I took him back.

Hello,

It's been a few months since I joined and shared my story. I stayed strong for awhile, then got suckered back in by my ex-N. He apologized and begged and promised to get counseling. I believed him. We had an incredible first three weeks, then my dog, Cagney ~ who is like my child, became very ill. We found out he was in end stage kidney failure. My world came crashing down. Ex-N was so supportive and kind, going with me to specialist vet appointments and promising to be there for us. It all seemed so genuine and for the most part, he was there for us. None of the specialists can tell me when "the time" will be for my precious baby. For three weeks now I have been watching him go through this horrible process and the toll it's taking on his body, physically and psychologically. I'm trying to hold it together for him and also be cognizant of when the time might be to do the humane thing and end his suffering.

Last Saturday morning, we (me, Cagney and ex-N) slept in and snuggled in bed until about noon. Then, ex-N said as much as he didn't want to go, he had to go and put in at least a few hours at work. We would get back together in the evening. I sent him a friendly text at 4:30PM to see how his day was going and to see what time he planned to come back over to hang with us. No response....I called at 6:50PM....left a message and no response. Sent another text at 7:30 saying I was worried and to please let me know everything was okay with him and no responce. Called again at 9PM, voice mail again and left a message. I called the local hospitals and police departments at 9:30PM and we had not been in any accidents and was not in the hospital. 10:30, I drove to his house, he was not there. Texted again, no response. Called again at 11:20 frantic and crying...left message and no response. Drove back to his house at midnight, still not home. Called again at 12:15AM and voice mail again. At 1AM I get this TEXT message from him, not even a call...

"Just woke up. Fell asleep at the beach."

I picked up the phone and called him immediately and it went to voice mail. Texted him and asked him to please call me, no response. Waited a half hour then sent him a text telling him what a piece of shit I thought he was and that his lying ass was just no better than the abusive parents he blames all of issues on. No response.

At 9:30AM Sunday, I get this text message, again, no call.

"Have you lost your mind? I'm at a loss for words. I go to the beach and I'm a bad guy? Good luck to you. Goodbye."

I texted back asking why he didn't call me Saturday and his response was:

"I fell back to sleep after I texted you at 1AM. We were drinking at the beach all day and I fell asleep in the sun."

I responded with some choice words and all communication ceased.

I'm so confused and hurt, even a week later. And not so much for myself, but he promised to be there for me AND Cagney during this time. What if Cagney had gone into cardiac arrest while he was MIA? I had no way to get in touch with him. He left me alone to potentially deal with the most horrible thing in my life all alone....the loss of my precious boy.

He's now claiming I didn't give him a chance to explain himself and he doesn't even see the point now. Am I missing something here? If you are supposedly in a relationship with someone going through something so horrible as what I am, you don't go off to the beach and get so drunk that you pass out and aren't reachable, do you? How can he think that behavior is ok and that there is any explanantion he could give me that would make it ok?

My mind keeps spinning....I keep trying to rationalize all of this at the same time I'm watching my baby die. My energy and focus should be solely on Cagney right now and somehow, I cannot let go of what the ex-N did to us. I'm trying to hard to live in the moment because my moments with Cagney are so limited at this time. He could pass at any moment. He deserves my full attention, yet I can't get what ex-N did out of my head. It is consuming me.

We are now on day 2 of NC and I feel like I'm dying inside. The betrayal is almost more than I can bear because he not only did it to me, but my boy too. He sat on the floor on the Friday night before this latest incident and held Cagney's face in his hands and cried, telling him how sorry he was that he was sick and that there was nothing he could do to help him. I get disgusted thinking about it. Literally sick to my stomach. How could he do this to us at this time? I feel like I want to die.....

#2 Jul 23 - 4PM

positivefuture

Cagney

i think i am in LOVe with cagney! he's so cute. i'm so sorry for what you are going through :( xoxo pf

#3 Jul 23 - 2PM

Amy

Sounds familiar

First the crying, begging, pleading and then the change in 3 weeks time. Also, HE disappeared and then turned it around on you! Heaven forbid you should expect him to keep his word! Mine was the same. Begged me to leave the guy I was dating, bought a ring, and then he proceeded to traumatize me AGAIN. If I ever questioned what he was doing, he turned it around on me. EVERY time. I caught him making plans to cheat on me, and he yelled at me for looking at his blackberry. *I* was in the wrong. Oh - and mine left at a very stressful time for me. I was starting a new job where I office from home, and he was supposed to help set that up for me. He disappeared off the face of the earth. Your exN has the same behaviors as mine. He can do it to you because he has no real human emotions. He is a jackass at best. You are so much better off without him. Please focus on yourself right now. Live your life and have fun! In time, you will come to see how much better off you are! I promise!

#4 Jul 22 - 9PM

smileyfacepr

chickie

Sorry about Cagney I know it is difficult! May I ask how old u r? I must tell u that is what u get for going back to these guys, we have posted many, many times that they DO NOT CHANGE...do u really believe he got drunk and fell asleep on the beach??? Come on now, u know he is lying to u and treating u as if u r a fool, dont let him do that to u! U nor Cagney needs him for anything!! Lets say u had not gotten back w/him and this w/Cagney happened what would u have done? Well, now u do the same, my advice stay NC, stop wasting ur valuable precious time on this asshole forever! Yes we all feel like dying when these things hapen, we have all been there, but we can not let them win, we deserve better and we need to go out there and find it even if its a life alone and in peace but anything is better that putting up w/thes heartless bastards! LOVE URSELF, he is not worth it!! xoxox

smileyfacepr

#5 Jul 23 - 6AM (Reply to #21)

awayfromhim

Wondering about why the

Wondering about why the question on age was asked.

#6 Jul 23 - 12PM (Reply to #22)

smileyfacepr

The question on age

The question on age was asked because when we r young we do not c things for what they r..so I asked age because I we as adult women that have already been thru the D&D, should already see the signs of the narc..and not only did she take him back again but also is thinking how she needs him thru this difficult time...she should already be able to c that he is crap and has not changed and she does not need him specially if he is not being supportive. So how much does it take for us to c them for who they really are??? We do have alot of young members and they will not understand things as the older members do..since we have so much more life experience and have been thru so much more. xoxo

smileyfacepr

#7 Jul 24 - 6AM (Reply to #31)

awayfromhim

So, what I'm reading is not

So, what I'm reading is not so much that chronological age is what you are referring to, but experience with an N? Just because one has more life experience than another does not gauge whether one will fall for an N or not, in my opinion. After knowing what an N is and how to pick them out of the population, that I would agree with to a degree. The age of someone, from what I have seen, has nothing to do with whether or not you will see an N for what they are. I was 21 when I married mine and 51 when I divorced him. The woman he took up with was 42 and she fell for him. I think it's not so much age as a factor but simply the fact that an N is highly adept at persuasion and manipulation and unless one has experienced this type of pathological before, and has not successfully recovered, it is very easy to get ensnared. The victim should not be blamed for lack of age or experience.

#8 Jul 24 - 12PM (Reply to #32)

smileyfacepr

awayfrom him!!

I am definetly not blaming the victim u must have misunderstood!!! And if if u r 51 u should understand what I was trying to say..I am sure u dont think the same as u did when u were 20 or 30..and yes they r master manipulators and can get to us at any age..but as older women we can figure them out faster and choose to ignore the signs or not.. when we r younger this is not so easy, we do not have lifes lessons to guide us yet! But I am definetly not blaming her at all!!

smileyfacepr

#9 Jul 23 - 12PM (Reply to #23)

Amy

Age is not a factor

I am 36 and got sucked back in. I WANTED to believe he changed. I had hope. They are master manipulators, and all of us want love and validation.

#10 Jul 23 - 12PM (Reply to #26)

smileyfacepr

amy

To me age is a factor and Im not so sure I wouldnt be sucked back in yet...yes they r master manipulators and we all do want love and validation..but age is a factor because when we r young we r just not capable of seeing things the way we do when we r older..I did not mean disrespect asking chickie her age..I am 44 and I know that thru the yrs our way of thinking changes and grows and we can see beyond. Chickie should already be able to c that he is still crap and he will continue to take advantage of her, she is going thru a difficult time and he can care less, because that is just the way they r!And part of the job we r trying to do on this site is to teach that they will not validate us we need to do that ourselves, we r looking to them for something they r not capable of giving and all we need is within us! xoxo

smileyfacepr

#11 Jul 23 - 1PM (Reply to #27)

Amy

I agree to an extent

"teach that they will not validate us we need to do that ourselves, we r looking to them for something they r not capable of giving and all we need is within us!" This statement is dead on. 100% correct. They are incapable of giving us what we want and need. Where I strongly disagree is age - and I mean no disrespect to you. Some of us don't meet our first N until later in life. We all think we have a BS meter, but this comes with experience rather than age. Unless one has experienced an N truly, one will be very very confused after the honeymoon is over!

#12 Jul 23 - 1PM (Reply to #28)

smileyfacepr

amy

I have to also agree w/u...I did not meet my narc till I was 37, my 1st and hopefully my last...my point being that after we have already been thru all the bs w/them and then we decide to give it another try for whatever reason, once they misbehave in any way that hurts us...by then at an older age we should already know, at a younger age we would continue to make excuses for them, although older we do that too until we have had enough..I think u understand my point! And yes they reek havoc and have left all of us very,very confused! We just need to let them go and do the best we can for ourselves cause thats exactly what they r doing, what is best for them!! xoxo

smileyfacepr

#13 Jul 23 - 1PM (Reply to #29)

Amy

Totally!

I am in a place where I feel REALLY good right now. Today is a full month NO CONTACT! But I know how easy it is to go back over and over again - or rather how hard it is NOT to. It actually took me the year in between when we were broken up of dating and experiencing different people to figure stuff out. When we got back together (after he made his promises, crying and begging and pleading), his behavior changed pretty quickly. He was soon back to his old self, and I knew it wasn't NORMAL and other guys didn't act like that. It was very hard for me. I honestly think dating normal guys helps re-set the expectations. But one must be mentally healthy to do so!

#14 Jul 23 - 3PM (Reply to #30)

smileyfacepr

AMY

Glad ur in a better place : )..ahhhh..mental health..isnt that what we r all striving for? I can imagine if I took him back the 1st 2-3 wks everything would b great, honeymoon all over again, how happy, how great another chance and then BAM!! back to the same old routine because nothing has changed,back to silent treatments and aloofness, back to anxiety and worry and gut feelings, just not worth it! Today is 1 yr anniversary since I last saw or spoke to him, I am proud of myself that I have been thru hell but I have held my own and stayed away!! They r such assholes and they all stink!! xoxo

smileyfacepr

#15 Jul 23 - 12PM (Reply to #24)

rainbow1

And I am only 21 and am

And I am only 21 and am making more progress than some. I have only taken him back once and I will not do it again. I see what he is and I see the manipulation. I KNOW that he wont change because this is who he is.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#16 Jul 23 - 12PM (Reply to #25)

smileyfacepr

Rainbow1

Hi rainbow, so glad to know that u have been able to c him for what he truly is and have made a decision to not go back. I am so proud of u!! We really just need to trust our gut and love ourselves and take care of ourselves!! xoxoxox

smileyfacepr

#17 Jul 18 - 7AM

chickie3040

Thank you everyone.

It's a new day and I'm feeling a bit more peaceful today. It helped to finally tell the story here on the boards. Your validation of my feelings and kind support has given me strength and I thank you all so much for that. I needed to replenish my psychological "fuel tank" so that I can stay strong for Cagney and your words of support have helped me to do that. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!! Everything that's happened with the ex-N is still on my mind, but I definitely feel more at ease today than I did yesterday. Hopefully that will keep being the case and I will get stronger every day.

#18 Jul 23 - 12PM (Reply to #19)

smileyfacepr

u will

I am glad u r feeling better, u will get stronger everyday, weather u believe it or not..it does happen, some days r better than others until there will come a day when u r healed!Remember u r not alone!! xoxox

smileyfacepr

#19 Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

Lisa E. Scott

chickie

I'm so glad you're feeling better today. Enjoy your day! xoxo

#20 Jul 18 - 3AM

ewa

First of all, I am really

First of all, I am really sorry for your dog. I know how it hurts when the dog gets sick and there is nothing more you can do, i went through this twice. I wished there was a way to help Cagney and you could stay together for longer. I really had tears in my eyes while reading your story. But your N - you see when i read this part i only thought how typical behavior it is. If he had respect, and he really fall asleep on the beach then he would have called you. I can bat his phone was muted and he could not speak to you. You had one evening like this, and i went through crazy weekend when my exN switched of his phone and disappeared. He told me that he went to other country with his male friend for a weekend and his phone card was not working, but after few days i found out the truth was that he was with another woman so he did not want to be disturbed. Anyway Chickie3040 forget this loser and take care of Cagney now, he really needs you. Cagney gave you unconditional true love and he deserves that you give him full attention now.

#21 Jul 18 - 3AM

girlfriday

Been there...sort of

Hi Chickie, I'm so sorry about your dog and about your N's amazing timing to turn your world upside-down. I SOOOO related to your attempts at trying to reach him and him never answering, yet being able to text back sporadically. Here's a little story you'll relate to: I had just come to the conclusion that my N had a woman with him in town when he had told me he was going out of town for 10 days. I called him and he wouldn't call me back. He said, "Well, you didn't say to call you back on your message." Yes I did. "Well, I must have erased it before I heard that part." "I was on the plane" etc. etc. Always an answer. When I was confronting him on all the reasons why I believed he had never left town and was with someone here, he told me that I needed to TALK TO MY THERAPIST about my issues. Then, to pour salt into my wounds, over dinner, he seethed at me across the table with a look on his face like, "How dare you accuse me of such things! I can't believe you would do that." He "acted" (brilliantly) as though I had cheated on HIM. And pointed out happy couples in the restaurant to guilt me further. Well, after all that gaslighting, I learned months later that I was right. He never left town and had a woman here. Not just any woman. A woman I learned later he's been with for 5 years...when I thought I was in a committed relationship with him. So my point? I've been through that same thing (sans the dog part.) It's just WRONG. He's full of crap.

#22 Jul 18 - 2AM

Lisa E. Scott

Chickie

Oh, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Betteroff sums it up perfectly: "I think sometimes they tell outrageous lies, and then call you crazy, just so YOU will break up with THEM." They absolutely do this and this goes along with why he told you that you should talk to your therapist about how you acted. Totally shifting the blame to you and you did NOTHING WRONG! It's insane behavior, isn't it? When you step back and look at it, you realize how emotionally abusive it is. They want us to feel like WE have the problem. So manipulative. Please know you did nothing wrong and this is simply his way of escaping. N's can't handle any kind of responsibility for anyone. The minute it gets to0 heavy, they disappear. Trust me, I experienced it more than once. When I was going through a dark period of my life with my OCD, my EXN went to Oregon for a month to snowboard. No joke. They can't handle reality! What kind of man is that? Not one you want to spend your life with, that's for sure. Try to remember you're better off without him in your life and hang in there. I'm so sorry about Cagney. Remember, he will always be with you in spirit. Always. xoxo

#23 Jul 17 - 9PM

better off

I'm so sorry you've been

I'm so sorry you've been going through this. My heart goes out to you. And sadly, they ARE notorious for doing this kind of thing. Very insulting. Right, going to work for a few hours and somehow never mentioned going to or being at the beach for the next 24 hours. How ridiculous. I think sometimes they tell outrageous lies, and then call you crazy, just so YOU will break up with THEM. Wishing you some peace as you go through this time.

#24 Jul 17 - 9PM

neveragain5

I am so sorry that he

I am so sorry that he abandoned you in your time of need. These people are not normal. Many times they try to act normal, but their masks slip eventually. And to think that he used your dog as well....they are so disgusting and soulless. Is Cagney a Shar-Pei? Try, try to concentrate on her and being present with her. I know that you are hurting and obsessed with this, we all were at some point. My heart goes out to the both of you.

#25 Jul 17 - 9PM (Reply to #12)

chickie3040

I think that's what hurts the most.

Any other time, it would hurt, but that he did this when I am most vulnerable is unconscienalble (sp?). I actually feel physically ill when I think about it. Yes, disgusting and soulless. Thanks for thinking of Cagney. He's actually a boy, not a girl. He's named after James Cagney the actor. When he was born, he had little, pink, pierced lips and he looked like a ganster so we called him Cagney. It stuck. And yes, he is a Shar-Pei. Good call, not many people know the breed.

#26 Jul 17 - 9PM

Susan32

Don't knock yourself

Don't blame yourself for how your N acted. It's a typical Narcissistic move--put on the caring act, then abandon as soon as you show that you have needs of your own. It's terrible and heartless. Cagney is FAR more worth your time and loving attention. An N is going to be heartless and not care... but a P is going to be heartless and enjoy every minute of it. Wishing the best for you and Cagney. YOU are the one who has a heart!

#27 Jul 17 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

chickie3040

My priority is Cag

He needs me and I have to cherish this time we have left, however short it may be. Ex-N is heartless, uncaring and I have my beliefs that he's also a sociopath, actually enjoying the destruction he causes as it builds him up in his own mind. He actually had the audacity to tell me I better tell my therapist how I reacted so that she truly knew the kind of crazy person she was dealing with. What planet does he live on? What person wouldn't have reacted the way I did?

#28 Jul 17 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

Susan32

Using therapists

Put Cagney first! He hasn't let you down. You're doing the RIGHT THING. Your "he actually had the audacity to tell me I better tell my therapist how I reacted so she truly knew what kind of crazy person she was dealing with" sounds incredibly familiar to me. Shockingly familiar. My ex-Psychopath professor would tell me DURING CLASS that I was seeing a therapist to "manage my feelings" because he'd be consciously cruel to me, and I was grieving the loss of my paternal grandfather. He'd snap at me, before my classmates, to "toughen up"--and this was after my grandfather died from cancer. I told this story to my therapist and he was shocked-as well as disgusted--at how his healing profession was being perversely used. My ex-P would say to the class that I was "going to the therapist to manage my feelings." My ex-P professor sent me to the therapist and made sure I did it (I was in his lab class my freshman year of college). Terrible irony... he was sent to a mental hospital as a child due to being a psychopath. As for sociopaths and psychopaths, they do enjoy wreaking destruction.

#29 Jul 17 - 8PM

NancyM

Hi Chickie

I am feeling for you now, but kicking you when you are in a vulnerable place is typical Narc MO. Why..because you are vulnerable and your attention is on your beloved dog and not solely on him. Punishable offense for a N. If you read through the boards there are many many stories of abandonment in their greatest hour of need. That is it in a nutshell, you needed his support, but he could only maintain the show for so long, then had to switch back to his dead self. Poor thing, (sarcasm intended) was probably totally exhausting for him to pretend to be a nice guy for so long. Good riddance to him...sending you a hug, and put the focus back on Cagney who truly deserves your love.

Nevergoback

#30 Jul 17 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

chickie3040

You are right

He couldn't keep up the facade of the nice guy, especially when he wasn't getting 100% of my attention. It makes me sick to think I gave him another chance. What is wrong with me that I fell for all the same BS again? At the same time, I thankful he has truly shown me the monster that he is. He is without conscience. That is unforgivable. Thanks for the hugs!

#31 Jul 17 - 8PM

betty2020

Oh honey i feel so bad that

Oh honey i feel so bad that he picked a time like this to show his ugly Narc colors! I know how confused you are and i can relate to much of your story. I took mine back and 4 weeks into our 2nd lovely honeymoon, the D&D cycle began again. I cant tell you the anger, betrayal and pain this caused me. This was a big turning point for me though. I stayed with him for a few months but i will never forget that day that the awareness hit me that he was back to the old N again. They say they never change, and ya know what? They are absolutely right. I wish i could tell you i believe he was sleeping on the beach but, well i think you know in your gut what the truth is. Follow your gut now girl b/c it is the only truth you have to follow. I am so happy you came back. xoxoxoxox ps. im saying a prayer for Cagney right now. Is this him in the Pic? only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

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