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Beautie and the beast .

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#1 Sep 12 - 12PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Beautie and the beast .

Im going to be controversial so tell me to shut up if you like but it was post last night that has me thinking and its to do with beautie and the narc . From what i have seen of our members we are a bunch of alpha females looks wise here , the kind of girls that society would say would never have any trouble attracting a good man .Unfortunately women are still first judged on their looks and no their abilitys by our society so it stands to reason that the average narc would go full out to bag a beautie because image is all important to him . As time goes by and the fact that the narc has no emotion the d&d happens , what better to d&d a beautiful woman to boost that sad ego .
So the question is it the better looking we are the harder the d&d . Think back to the narcs other girlfriends and how hot they where , did they compare to you ?... it is a crass subject i know but is there something in it ?

Sep 12 - 10PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

He was DEFINITELY the Beast

The D&D was a low time in my life... and for all the feelings of worthlessness, despair, depression, I received much emotional support. I realized I wasn't completely alone. I had friends. They were with me, looking out for me... I felt a great deal of GRATITUDE. When I was with the ex-Psych professor, my friends despised how he treated me, how he'd stand me up at concerts/lectures, how his jokes verged into nastiness, how I'd become gloomy in his presence when I had been joyful in theirs. I was the one who had made him look good.. but he had a terrible time keeping his mask on. They put up with him because of me. It was my professors who encouraged me as a student... and they were also the ones who understood how I was feeling, and they were the ones who wanted me OUT of that "relationship." In my senior year, during the D&D, I wrote an essay about "Anna Karenina." The unfulfilled Anna Karenina has a cold, emotionless husband old enough to be her father... one of my professors (she's Dean now) said she could tell what I REALLY was writing about. Thank goodness I did NOT marry the ex-P! I wouldn't have just disappointed my friends, family, and professors... well, it would've been terrible for me.
Sep 12 - 7PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

looks and other stuff

I remembered after reading this thread the things his closest family and friends said to me: "He's crazy about you." "He's never acted like this before." "You've done something to him." And then, when he started to pull away, "No way, we have to fix it. You are way too cool for him to let go." I had forgotten about these things. It sends me back into the "Maybe he pulled away because he loved me so much he was afraid" thing. I hate that thing.
Sep 12 - 7PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

looks

I have no idea. I have never seen one, except for his ex fiancee, and only a photo of her when she was forty and after he had put her through the ringer for ten years and her sister died AND she adopted her sister's baby at childbirth. She looked kind and long-suffering. Kind of like a farmer's wife, naturally pretty but plain and hard working. That's pretty much it. I will say I was cute when he met me; the girl everyone looked at when she walked in. No man has looked at me for a good year, and it's not because I don't still make sure I wear makeup and dress up, etc. It's just the whole package. I sometimes wonder if he dumped me because I got haggard and old looking--because of him, but whatever.
Sep 12 - 7PM (Reply to #29)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

He dumped you becuase he's a

He dumped you becuase he's a freak! a subhuman! All I can say is when the crush your inner spirit it manifests itself in your appearance. The minute this craziness started again I could see it on my face. My co workers even started to notice. They started saying you look tired and whats wrong with you? you just dont seem yourself. Of course I look tired I am having the life sucked out of me by a parasite!
Sep 12 - 10PM (Reply to #30)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

LMAO but it's not funny

You know you've been attacked when everyone around you is oblivious yet an 80 year old woman I ate with on Amtrack said to me knowing me all of say ten minutes knowing nothing about me said..."You look tired" Geesh...validation?...LMAO
Sep 12 - 2PM
starofthesea
starofthesea's picture

yes it's crass..

..but you definitely touched a nerve with all of us! I don't think that Ns differ from "normal" guys in that they are attracted to gorgeous women. Men are all visual creatures, even more than women (sorry for generalising guys, but it's generally true I find). In some ways it's even quite reassuring to think that male Ns have some "normal" male traits. But I don't think it automatically follows that the women will suffer a better/worse D&D on the basis of their relative attractiveness. Beauty is pretty subjective, and abuse is directed at women regardless of how pretty or not we feel they are. And at this stage of recovery it's when we tend to beat ourselves up about being less attractive/older/younger/fatter/thinner/bigger boobs/smaller boobs than our replacements - I do it all the time - so reassuring here to see how many women here DO actually regard themselves as attractive. So I don't think it's necessarily healthy or helpful for us to place ourselves in a mental beauty pageant with OW past and present, who let's face it are victims too - but I'm sure we all do it. I know I do, but it's pointless. And it's good you raised the point, and good we all still are capable of feeling beautiful, or I am hopeful that we all will. I think focussing on our relative attractiveness could be a hangover from constantly being played off against another women, and an indication we are still caught up in their shallowness. Mine would hit on women who were more attractive or less attractive. It was all about the attention and game playing. I remember at a party once when mine was dancing with a woman who in my eyes was more overtly sexy than me. She saw I was upset and (bless her) mildly told him off in front of me, basically saying why are you hitting on me when your beautiful wife is a Venus? I am attractive but there will always be someone hotter than me out there, no matter how beautiful you are, and there will always be someone hotter than him, no matter how handsome he is. The difference was I was blind to all the others when I was with him. But - cliche alert - there is so much more to life and partnership than physical beauty, and it is only skin deep. I learned that the hard way, and I am trying to be less shallow with others and with myself and focus on what matters - being a good human being and truly loving others, which is the most beautiful trait of all, and not transient like physical beauty.
Sep 12 - 3PM (Reply to #25)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

And...

The older you get the more you realize that making those comparisons is a damning and useless exercise...cuz at some point the likelihood is that OW will be younger, and empirically more attractive. I don't love seeing myself age but I'm pretty peaceful about it as I'm not in that perpetual beauty contest anymore. Smiling is the best trick I know for looking younger and I smile a lot more than I used to ;)
Sep 12 - 5PM (Reply to #26)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Age

for me age has zero to do with beauty. I have seen beautiful women way prettier and older than me and vice versa. I think beauty comes from how you feel on the inside plus the pride you take in your outward appearance. Have you ever noticed that when your in the "thick of things" with an N you look like hell? that because they are poisioning your spirit and that manifests itself in your external appearance. Narrcists by nature are all about appearances especially somatics they feel they deserve a beautiful woman but since they need supply to survive in the abense of beauty they will take who or whatever can give them their drug. If the beauty is beginning to see thru him then the quality of supply is dimishing. If a less attractive woman thinks he has hung the moon or has something he needs like money or influence then hes going with her
Sep 12 - 5PM (Reply to #27)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Age

I agree with you. Living with a narc for so long though--I've found they don't age gracefully and it matters to them. So as an empath (which I just read about!) what he felt, I did too I suppose. He was particularly hung up on beauty. The OW were always beautiful, friends had to be beautiful too. And yes I did look like hell when I was in the messy bits! Skin was awful, was gaunt, and looked haunted I'm sure. Now I feel free from all that and it's awesome. If I get a nice compliment that's cool, but I'm more concerned with what's going on inside, on being a good person and strong. :)
Sep 12 - 2PM (Reply to #23)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

in the end

its all about wht you have to offer them. The qualities, money, looks or whatever you have that they want and if your pretty its a bonus but to me the more of it you possess the more they want you to go down. They are pissed that you possess what they want. These people are seething with jealousy. So if they perceive thenselves as attractive and you begin to upstage them thought it was never your intention to they are gonna get you for it. Just my opinion. The worse they feel about you stealing their thunder the harder you go down
Sep 12 - 3PM (Reply to #24)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

that was my experience

in the very beggining, he was already starting. before we even dated he would say things like 'do you think i'v never had a pretty girl bat their eyelashes at me?' he used to say 'whenever i was single and i would see a pretty girl i knew i coouldn;t have, i would wish they were ugly so i wouldn't feel bad'
Sep 12 - 2PM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

I think the ex wanted to *be* me

sometimes! He dressed me like a Barbie doll (loved to buy me clothes and shoes) and the more I looked like one the better. He couldn't understand why I didn't want to dress like a hot slutty ho all the time, because he said if he were a woman he would work it for all it was worth. I just bet! I'm an introvert, sometimes attention is nice but mostly I want to blend in. And the kind of attention you get when your tits are out, heels on, short skirt, etc. is scary, IMO. And women glare at you which feels awful. But he needed as much attention as he could get, and I was part of that package. I was at the grocery store the other morning in jeans and a tshirt, the kind of outfit the ex would have wanted to pitch in the trash (and about the only thing I wear anymore). A man walked by and said "pardon me, I just want to tell you that you're magnificent" and walked away. Wasn't trying to pick me up or anything. Now a compliment like that made me feel pretty awesome (esp. as I'm only a week away from 45!) Anyway--I left him so I don't know how bad it could have been. But about 10 years ago when he was at his worst he was having affairs with 19 yo girls (he was in his late 40s). Made me feel pretty sad and old, and I was only 35. I heard a lot about how beautiful the other women were, that was a big hit to my self esteem to be sure.
Sep 12 - 10PM (Reply to #21)
sweetsamm
sweetsamm's picture

You're beautiful aura

I LOVE it!!!! Isn't is awesome to get a wonderful compliment like that out of the blue??? I bet you had an aura about you along with fabulous good looks....:) and at our age?? EVEN better!!!
Sep 12 - 2PM (Reply to #20)
starofthesea
starofthesea's picture

Magnificent!

I love that. What a lovely compliment! Especially since he wasn't hitting on you! He just saw a magnificent woman and commented. I think we can all tell when a compliment is heartfelt, and when there is an angle. No angle there. Glad it made you feel awesome - you obviously are! x
Sep 12 - 1PM
truthseeker
truthseeker's picture

Beauty and the Bastard

Neverlookback, I agree. The 1st time he took me to his hunting lodge the owner said you're definitely the prettiest one he ever brought around. The one I found out about on FB is more attractive than I am in my opinion. My sister and cousin both said she looks like me. He has a thing for red heads. I've often thought he targeted me for the qualities I possesed. Met on dating site. Notice I used past tense. I feel like a shell of my former self.
Sep 12 - 1PM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

BEAUTY and the NARC

Thats funny, but you bring up a hard question to answer. They dont always have to have the head turning women you think. His GF was cute but not anymore attractive than me in any way. She was in no way stunning. Afterall mine could get gorgeous women on the side and as he expressed sooo many times to me he didnt care if they were butt ugly as long as they gave him sexually what he wanted SO THERE YOU GO He would say most of the gorgeous women were lousy F--ks huh go figure, gee I must have had it all how honored I should feel today. NOT Dont worry or stress about looks when it comes to these men, they would tire of MISS UNIVERSE herself. Look how they were once soooo good looking to us and look how ugly they became when we saw the light. Just my input
Sep 12 - 1PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

i'm pretty sure i'm the prettiest

woman he's had since college, and he's 44. i'm only 30. men used to come up to him when we were out and 'congratulate him', which he quickly turned around into being jealous or resentful towards me, or into what a stud he was. he used to tell me 'being mean to pretty girls was funner', and that he left me because i was 'too pretty and it gave me a sense of entitlement and vanity, and that he wanted a plain appreciative woman'. i know he enjoyed watching me grovel and beg for sex.
Sep 12 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

fireflie , just imagin the

fireflie , just imagin the high he got when he refused you sex , thats why they withold . see i have never not been able to get sex form a man if i wanted it right ... but here was a man who refused me , so in my head i thought i must have turned hidious over night , it particualy hit home when we where camping at the festerval and i had the normal attention from the blokes but i was going back to my tent with him at night and he would lie like a rock next to me . Its a sick game with holding , desighned to break you down ..., sick sick sick .arrrrggggg i want him dead today , dead dead dead !
Sep 12 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

scoop

just out of curiousity, what kind of festival did you guys go to? i wondered the same thing about being ugly. i started dressing really provaocatively and being histrionic like. my eyes looked like black holes of emptiness and all i wanted was for him to pat me on the head and tell me i was a good girl. he owuld go for 5 days sometimes not talking to me. the day he beat me with a belt, he had rejected me, and threw me out of a room, then i kicked a hole in the door and he beat me for hours...
Sep 12 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

It was climate camp , alot

It was climate camp , alot of political activist getting together poltting the down fall of they system (very dull actualy ) The beating he gave you is too terrible for words .. i know what you went through and the same thing happened to me .. one night we had friends round and we where having a good time i suposed as much as you can have with a controling psycopath , we went to bed and he had started to do this thing where he would just switch off from me and turn round and sleep ... there was more to it than that what came from him was this negative energy that felt like poison so i said something like "narc nrac dont do this agian , whats wrong , please cuddle me (which he did normaly all night which is why i was so bonded with him ). I started to try and get him so turn round so i could lie on him and he want dead weight and refused to move , he then swang round and flew at me punching me in the arms and breasts pinning me down and shaking me screaming in my face "leave me alone leave me alone " .... shit .... my whole arms and breast when black with bruises for weeks ... i went down stairs where his best friend and girlfriend where still up and i was shaking uncontrolably , his friend went to talk to narc and i stayed with his girlfriend for about an hour and then his friend said he had calmed down and he wasnt going to touch me again . I went back to bed with him . He told me to sleep on the sofa , he hadnt calmed down . i said can i have a cover ? and he said no . I then spoke to him in a low voise that proberly hit home to him and told him to get out of the bed and go sleep somewhere else and he did . The violence we went though is a huge part of my ptsd , whe i think i have dealt with it it comes back , its indescriberble , to top it off with "chin up " comments just shows what a deluded men we are dealing with . The next day he went to a meeting all day , there was no sorry text there was not a word from him , i had to text him telling him how terrible i felt , and exentualy a sorry text came "sorry i hurt you ".. the next day i went to his house and he went to finish the realationship "i dont love you scoop i never have blah blah " so i said "so you beat me up then dumped me ".. he said "i didnt beat you up , if i wanted to hurt you i could have " .. i just walked out and i drove home then the phone went and he said "sorry come back " so i did and the mask went back on for a week or so ... thinking about it now he wasnt sorry one bit ... he knew he had acted so badly that i wouldnt have kept quite about it and he would have looked bad .. thats all , he asked me back so he wouldnt look bad .. So i know how you feel ... all i can say is nc does work in time , life does get back to normal and the fog lifts . I went backwards in the last few weeks because of the hover but i feel myself returning back to normal in the last couple of days .. Stay strong xx
Sep 12 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

scoop

your story just made me cry. i'm so o sorry he did this to you. your story ounds so similar to mine. so similar... can we maybe be friends?? i need a sponsor or something... maybe we could halp eachother
Sep 12 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Fierflie

Yes that sounds like a really good idea . Betty has my email and number , im im England and on face book . xx
Sep 12 - 3PM (Reply to #16)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

friend me on facebook

[email protected]
Sep 12 - 1PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Absolutely

I put that in a post about a week ago. The prettier the girl the harder the d&d they get. When mine resurfaced, one of his first comments was I always wondered why you were with me when you had all of those guys around and I also noticed when he was talking to me on the phone and people were present he would ]always work that into the conversation saying something like "You always had plenty of guys at your heels" It was like he was saying so they would hear. I think he wanted them to think look the pretty had tons of guys and she chose me. Sickos. So Im with you the more attractive you are at least to them the harder your gonna go down.
Sep 12 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Yes sick of it it was youre

Yes sick of it it was youre post that planted the seed in my mind xx
Sep 12 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I think its because they

I think its because they feel more threatened by the prettier ones which makes them want to d&d you hard for stealing their thunder. They really are pissed at you for it. I think that is also why there is an undertone of competitiveness but they also cant resist showing you off. mine said I cant wait to show you off. I thought he was just being sweet. No he was serious. Geez I feel like Im being concited. Hope you ladies dont take it that way. Im willing to bet the majority of the ladies on here are super attractive
Sep 12 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

ditto sick of it

Mine even in the worst of moments has loved showing me off. At one point he got mad and said I was vain. And I laughed. I have never been called vain in my life by anyone because I am not. I realized he was reacting to my confidence which then he immediately tried to bring me down with sarcasm and put downs
Sep 12 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Spooky

Wow that is really spooky, my N's last girlfiend before me was older and less attractive and he only cheated on her numerous times. Myself and two other ex's I know of were pretty and we all got a beating? Unfortunately the 2 other girls who got beaten never had to go to court against him :(
Sep 12 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I think the more qualities

I think the more qualities that you have that they want the harder you're goting down So if they perceive you as a hot girl whose well educated professional sensitive and caring your in for it and it will be bad. I also I think they return and recycle those that got the closest to them as I think they feel a connection with some prey more than others.
Sep 12 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
terri
terri's picture

more challenge perhaps?

I think it provides more of a challenge for them in the beginning to see if they can get a beautiful girl to fall in love with them. I honestly don't think that it is a conscious thing - purposefully thought out. I think it's just part of their twisted psyche - I think they even believe they are in love in the beginning of a relationship. I think it all starts to fall apart when whatever woman they're with starts to see the cracks in the facade and learns the truth about the narc. When they realize they are no longer fooling this person, then the D&D begins. I also think it's the fear of rejection and being alone that drives them to find new sources before they check out of the current relationship. They know when they are no longer effectively fooling their current source and start the hunt for new. Of course, we didn't realize that we were with narcs and how their game was played until we got crushed.

Believe in yourself!
Terri