bb12's story

June September Narc

My story has a bit of a twist to it, in that my Narc is a lot younger than me. We started out in a very casual sexual relationship and joked early on 'don't fall in love with me'! But suddenly we're at two years. At this stage I didn't know he was a N because we only caught up once a week or so. He was only 20 and I was in my 30's so I kept him at arms length and we let eachother try to find someone more age-appropriate between our catch-ups.
Finally, I ended it because I felt that we had begun to use eachother as a crutch and we were preventing ourselves from finding a proper relationship. So he was very upset when I ended it for good. But I felt I had done the decent thing, and as the older person it was on me to do the hard yards. Hurt me too, because I had strong feelings for him. So 3 months goes by and I really miss him. In a moment of weakness, I profess a deeper love and ask that we perhaps give it a proper go...for real and not just casual. He tells me to give him 3 days to think about it. I finally call him after 3 days and he says 'Sorry, I choose Janet'. I ask, "who is Janet?' and it turns out he met Janet the day we broke up. "Just happened and she's perfect for me and we click". But here's the kicker....Janet is older than me!
So I can't get my head around this and am also very embarrassed to have tried to get serious. So then the fun begins. We meet as friends for movies etc. but all of stories are about Janet and they sting. I feel like he is trying to hurt me deliberately and is not showing much sensitivity. He has also begun to pick a lot of fights and demean me. I tell him maybe we're trying to be friends too soon and that we need a longer break. He rejects the idea and tells me he still needs me. But contrary to this is his behaviour....drunk phonecalls professing true love for me at night, but no contact during the day. Doesn't return calls, emails, text messages. Doesn't initiate anything. And the silence sees me climbing the walls. I begin to play into his hands. And I wait for his calls or emails. I stare at the phone. The less he gives, the more I do.
So Janet comes and goes and he gets another one. And then another. And another. I am happy for him (ish), but confused by his dependence on me. He won't let me go or get a boyfriend of my own. Our catch-ups are fraught and we have not been together romantically in the 12 months since we broke up. But the games he plays with the silence and the controlling have made me feel crazy at times. He mocks me, never thanks me for things I do or compliments me. And then in September he disappears. We saw a play and I was annoyed because he left without saying good bye or thanking me properly for the front row seats. I ring him. No answer. And to this day, nothing since. He won't return calls or emails. I feel that he inflicted 6 months of mental torture as he clung to me for support as other lovers came and went, and then completely discarded me. I also keep making allowances for his age, but when all is said and done he is not a nice person. He never asks about my work or family. Just talks about himself. He calls me but I am derided when I initiate contact.
He texted me at Christmas time to say 'Don't call me. Let me be the one to re-start the friendship when I am ready'. But I go crazy waiting for that call. I can be strong for a few weeks, but then will cave and text 'Hi, how are you?' only to receive nothing back or angry messages telling me 'Do not call first'. I don't get it.
So my issue is this: was I blind to his Narcissism within the relationship because it was only casual? why have his Narc qualities only come to the fore during the 'friendship' stage? I have examined my feelings and do not want him back romantically. I am friends with all of my exes and am confused as to why I am having trouble being the same with him. Is he out for revenge because I ended the sexual relationship? Is there an agenda in play? He is not a good friend and we are no longer lovers, so what is keeping me on tenderhooks? I don't understand my own behaviour. I am a strong, successful person in every other area of my life. So why can't I shake this guy? and whay does his 'discarding' of me affect me so much?.....