The Bast**d - Fake Empathy

Just read an article about "fake empathy" that said

"On the surface, the empathy of the narcissist seems to be genuine...Pseudo-empathy is exquisitely designed by the narcissist to manipulate others so they will fulfill his narcissistic needs."

The narcissist puts on an impeccably convincing performance, fooling many people. He is a masterful actor. People want to believe that the narcissist really cares about them, especially when he/she turns on the magnetic charm and fixates all of his attention on you. There is always a reason why a narcissist extends himself to someone else. He is expecting you to fulfill his narcissistic supplies for admiration, BUSINESS CONNECTIONS, MONEY, the company of an attractive man or woman, social status.

__________

So I just looked back through my emails. My dad passed on Feb 11...N spent TONS of time with me on that day providing amazing support that I thought was real. But then those three weeks while I was in the hospital the support was sprinked in with abuse - wierd. ..... And now I find an email on Feb 15 from N, before my dad's funeral even, telling me that because of everything N has done for me and my company that I should provide him further employment - for another 6 months. The focus of that email was NOT OFFERING his help due to the tragedy that just happened; the focus of that email was that BECAUSE HE HAS HELPED ME...I SHOULD PROVIDE HIM WITH MORE WORK! He was essentially guilting me into keeping him onboard, less than one week after my father passed tragically! As if that was the #1 thing on my mind at the moment! AND - he was PISSED at me because I said I needed a few days to think about it and talk to the owner about it! OMG - reading back on this was unreal. How could he force me to make a big decision like that 4 days after my dad's death and get PISSED that I wasn't making the decision fast enough for his taste and demeaned me in the process that I needed to start making decisions on my own if this company was to survive! We actually got into an email war about it!

The realization that he probably did FAKE all of that support with me to get financial gain - is incredibly disgusting and makes me cry just thinking about it.

naivenomore's picture

Yeah, the fake empathy is probably the only reason that it's so hard to let go/move on! I still have trouble convincing myself that the empathy he showed me was fake. I think back on the years I was with him and realize that he bent over backwards to show me amazing care and concern, which I took as true empathy and love, but then when I take a long hard look at it and how it changed so drastically when I purchased a house on my own, he couldn't be happy for me. As long as I was dependent on him in some ways he could pour the charm on, but as soon as I showed some healthy independence I truly believe he felt somehow castrated and hence had to turn up the sexual expectations and everything came undone as I couldn't accept the image of him in 'chains'. He then began to accuse me of "killing his sovereignty as a man" - good grief! Then came the warping of the Bible: "a woman should be willing to satisfy her man whenever he needs it, no matter what"!! Gosh, I see this now as such a pathetically scared man and NOT the strong, caring man I fell in love with. Empathy is clearly being able to put yourself in another's shoes and feel what they feel - it's not about making someone else feel dependent on you so you can feel a bigger person!
loveofmylife's picture

Wow - I think you were right, does sound like when you showed some independence and not total dependence on him, the ground shifted out from under him and he didn't feel stable anymore - so then all of the fear started coming out! Grabbing anything that is stable. Love this one: "Empathy is clearly being able to put yourself in another's shoes and feel what they feel - it's not about making someone else feel dependent on you so you can feel a bigger person!" And I think that is what makes it messed up in our relationship. I do think he does it now to feel like he is the supreme being (which is I guess why he can shift from intense "emotional connection" to verbal abuse within the same day. Both of them make him feel supreme and powerful!) ....that he can listen to women's problems and really help them...and he is incredibly gifted at this! Amazing skills here. I think it gives him comfort that "he still has it!" and that women LOVE it! And that is how our relationship started out. He was my mentor at work 20+ years ago....I knew that was going to be trouble from the get-go when he was assigned to me. I clearly remember saying to myself that day "I am in BIG trouble here!"
wholeagain's picture

is the worst mind f**k of all. That's been the hardest thing for me to wrap my brain around because it looked so real and I still wonder if any of it was.
betty2020's picture

Narcissist can see with their eyes what empathy looks like but they have no way of feeling it. They train themselves to mirror it to others so they appear to be human. However because they can not feel the emotion of empathy, it is not genuine. When i attempt to help someone i a feel the pain that they are going though and this motivates me to want to help stop the pain. I have no expectations of that person, only hope that they may get relief. When a Narc gives you something, (false empathy, gifts etc...)it is only given for purposes of personal gain. They give you something you need so you continue to stay connected to them but it is not a free gift. Your taking it out on loan. It will require payment in full and generally the terms of this loan will be short. Meaning they expect almost immediate re-payment. And may the gods help you if you don't annie up! only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

MsVulcan500's picture

"When a Narc gives you something, (false empathy, gifts etc...)it is only given for purposes of personal gain. They give you something you need so you continue to stay connected to them but it is not a free gift. Your taking it out on loan. It will require payment in full and generally the terms of this loan will be short. Meaning they expect almost immediate re-payment. And may the gods help you if you don't annie up!" Well said! I knew anything given to me was for his personal gain, but I never thought of it being like a loan, and that's the business I am in! The interest rate was never set, it depended on how well and how quickly he was paid back. Hmmm. Thanks, Betty!!
faithinthefuture's picture

My heart goes out to you for the loss of your dad. Mine whos 81 had a heart attack last Oct and I was w/the N. He hates hospitals and he was w/me every day for hours on end being supportive. Or so I thought. Thats how you & I would be. I truly did appreciate "his" sacrifice. And I told him this. Then time passes and my dad is doing wonderful and talking w/N about my dad & he accusses me of looking in his phone at the hotel, which I never did. Had no reason to. But I know now I shouldve cuz there must have been reason to. They put on the show of the caring giving sacrificing man for their woman. Only for us to find out it's all BS! Like you said...FAKE! We are blessed we are NOT like them!
Susan32's picture

That's very low. You were grieving, going through a traumatic process, and your N pulled cr@p like that. It IS disgusting--taking advantage of you at a low point, when YOU'RE the one who needs the help. That takes an inhuman amount of nerve. Fake sympathy is a terrible thing;it's emotional abuse. When my grandfather died, my ex-Psych professor would verbally abuse me during class. He didn't even try to keep his mask on... he was THAT lazy. When he realized I was in awe of his thinking skills, and considered him handsome, he played on that. Then he faked sympathy; he referred me to the onsite therapist (who was also one of my professors at the time) He acted like going to a therapist was the right thing to do... and yes, I was grieving. His sympathy had a hidden agenda--to make me look crazy, and make a lesson out of me. He was using the therapist to cover his butt. He even made sure that I was going to the therapist. He faked sympathy... when all it was was his power play. A power play.
Goldie's picture

That was cold. Sounds about right though, for a NARC, it is really all about them. So sad how they use our weak moments to take full advantage and then give us attitude because we don't jump when they want us to. You hear so many of these stories about how they use death, the birth of a child, our depression caused by them, to take take take more from us. Oh, Loveofmylife, you must find a way to be done with this guy. He is just bad news for your soul. Are you NC with him now? I hope so, there is really nothing more to say. He is just out of control with his selfishness towards you. He is a bad seed. He faked caring to fill his own pockets. Reminds me so much of my X and we simply do not deserve this treatment. God bless, Goldie