Bastard bastard bastard bastard

31 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 20 - 9AM

Jelickuk

Bastard bastard bastard bastard

After sending me a letter which in summary was asking me to be friends with him for the sake of our children he is now being super duper nice about everything

Thanking me for contact with children
Apologising for getting times wrong
Being gently humerous about the children
Being a loving attentive father

My friend who acts as mediator believes he is truly sorry and that I should meet him half way. I am well over 3 months nc after months of madness and a 14 year marriage.

Once mo I am feeling like I am in the wrong and just bitter because he has ow

But I will not meet him half way

I will not break contact

And yes I am bitter and angry and shocked and traumatised

And I hate that a little bit of charm fools everyone

#2 Nov 21 - 12AM

lillymarch

Mine is actually doing the

Mine is actually doing the same exact thing now! He is smooth, sweet, apologetic, and thankful when we have to have contact due to the children. It's sneaky. It actually scares me because I wonder what is up his sleeve. I've filed for child support and want to (finally) negotiate with a mediator the custody issues. He doesnt want to do this so I think he's trying to get out of it by being nice. I can't understand crazy! Be cautious of a friendly snake.

#3 Nov 21 - 2AM (Reply to #30)

Jelickuk

Absolutely. I am very

Absolutely. I am very frightened of him when he's being nice. He is so convincing and I am made to look crazy. The really scarey part is that then I start believeing him and that is the road to hell. I am keeping nc but have a creeping feeling of dread about what he will do next

#4 Nov 21 - 12AM

BlueMist

Friendship after abuse

Yes, exN had the nerve to insist on being friends with me. When I refused, he said '' Well, if you find YOURSELF emotionally unable to cope with a friendship with me (translation in his mind: you're crazy), that's fine with me. IT IS NOT the end of the world for me. Whatever you decide is your business. You know, once I cut people out of my life, they stay out. ''. When I remained silent for 3-4 days, he IM-ed me : ''Hi'', or send ''mistyped messages'' like somebody would put their cell in their pocket and the messages were sent by mistake.

#5 Nov 20 - 11PM

blueworld

narc underlying messages

poor me feel sorry for me im losing i have no more power i have no more control im such a great guy look how manipulative my words are hear the sincerity me me me me me me me me me all about me this is for me do this for me selfish ego vain narc me > laughable>>>>>>>

#6 Nov 21 - 2AM (Reply to #27)

Jelickuk

Thats certainly him!!!

#7 Nov 20 - 4PM

Done sourcing

Using our minds and thoughts

Using our minds and thoughts and morals and emotions and feelings can kill us when dealing with a narc. Your friend/mediator proves it. Narcs can't meet half way. They are one way. Always will be. Nc is as close to half way as you should ever go. Further than that and you will not be happy. Keep a journal of it. You will prove it to yourself. Explain to us here what half way would look like to him. I already know. It would look like he can play you, contact you, torture you, and use you. With no contact you get no play, no listening, no torture, and no abuse. We all know this in our heads! ds

#8 Nov 20 - 4PM (Reply to #17)

faith_

I read that the very idea of

I read that the very idea of compromise is threatening to these individuals. So what the heck does "meeting halfway" mean with such a person? Although they preach compromise, etc.

#9 Nov 20 - 10PM (Reply to #21)

Susan32

"Agree to disagree"

During the final D&D, there came a point when I was no longer publicly sobbing... but I'd calmly say (he found my calmness off-putting) that the ex-Psych (psychopath) and I could "agree to disagree." For Ns/Ps, that is just as bad as compromise. Sometimes, in relationships, there are stalemates. It's like an interfaith marriage when neither partner wants to convert. People can agree to disagree and be civilized. The ex-P would be livid when I told him I was listening to him (because he'd accuse me of not listening), but that I disagreed. Ns/Ps are allergic to the concept of agreeing to disagree. Holding differing views but being respectful.

#10 Nov 20 - 10PM (Reply to #22)

faith_

I don't know why, but this

I don't know why, but this reminds me of when I once told him how badly I was hurt when he did something, and he said "that's your opinion." it was my OPINION that I was completely hurt by his total cutting treatment.

#11 Nov 20 - 10PM (Reply to #24)

Susan32

Dismissiveness

That's the way Ns/Ps are. When the ex-Psych hurt my feelings during the final D&D, he'd say "I'm sorry YOU feel that way." He'd blame ME for how I was feeling, when he was being PURPOSEFULLY hurtful. I'd tell him to stop embarrassing me, and he'd say coldly "You're embarrassing yourself." He acted as if my feelings were without cause, when he was the one causing them. Oddly, during that final D&D, I'd tell the ex-P that it was all in his head, that the walls he built between us were the ones being built by him. *I* was telling him he was delusional... and those are serious narcissistic injuries to sustain. And yet he'd keep coming back. I'd say, "well, that's what YOU think." He had a hard time seeing me as a separate being, with beliefs/needs/ideas of my own. He wanted agreement-or nothing. But he didn't mind the arguments, since it meant I was "passionate" for him, and he loved conflict. During the D&D, I was reading "Anna Karenina" (it was assigned because he was afraid that I'd read his beloved "War and Peace",then cheapen it by turning it into a musical extravaganza). He'd parrot Leo Tolstoy, saying it was about "the fall of a noble woman from grace." He even repeated it. But I'd offer a different perspective. I'd compare him to the cerebral Narc Alexei Karenin, whom even Princess Dolly calls a machine. In the patronizing, condescending, emotionally distant&robotic Alexei... I saw the ex-P.

#12 Nov 20 - 10PM (Reply to #25)

faith_

"I'd tell him to stop

"I'd tell him to stop embarrassing me, and he'd say coldly "You're embarrassing yourself." " ya, I heard all sorts of stupid comments like this, like "I don't know why you're trying so hard" etc. It's like he'd hoover n hoover, just to get me back in a place where he could say these things to me again. Now I believe more firmly what someone once said to me about the 'punishment' or payback aspect of it, when you go back. You can never win by interacting.

#13 Nov 20 - 10PM (Reply to #23)

Gravity

faith_

Um yeah.. and your opinion is the only thing that matters! That's how you felt.. so therefore it's valid! Someone who truly loves you and respects your feelings will value your "opinion!"

#14 Nov 20 - 9PM (Reply to #20)

ReclaimingPower

Ha!

It all makes so much sense now. I actually used the word "compromise" with my exN in what turned out to be a one sided discussion. You'd have thought I tossed holy water in his face. Aaah, knowledge is power. What I know now. NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC... A very empowering thread.

#15 Nov 20 - 4PM (Reply to #18)

Blythebloo

There is no such thing as

There is no such thing as compromising with a narc. especially with children involved. They take the inch you give and make it a mile. thank goodness for state guidelines and rules that are enforced by the courts. I have learned you must stick firmly to those rules with a narc or they will try to manipulate you and the situation every time. Don't compromise and hopefully they will fade away.

#16 Nov 21 - 2AM (Reply to #19)

Jelickuk

This is so very true. He

This is so very true. He pushes and pushes the boundaries around child contact and each and everytime I have agreed to his requests and tried to be fair it has ended in chaos with me feeling like a cake mix. I find it so hard though around my children. They love their dad and blame me for not being friendly and communicating directly. They are full of cd...they see and hear different things from him but need him to be reliable and so attack me. I am so tired of being the baddie and carrying all the responsibilities

#17 Nov 20 - 3PM

Blythebloo

Being friends with him all you:

1. To be abused. Again. 2. To walk all over you. Again. 3. To lie to you. Again. Narcs are not sincere. Whether they have kids or not. Don't believe anything he tells you. It's purely a ploy to get back in control of YOU. Remember he's going to do and say things to keep his "image" shiny clean. Nobody knows him like we do and it's a tarnished mess. There is no such thing as being friends with a narc. Narcs have no real friends. I told the narc in a counseling session "i could never be friends with you. I don't roll with liars and cheaters and that is what you are." I still don't get why he acted so surprised after hearing it. NC, MC and no means no. I have no more pity for these pathetic creatures. They get exactly what they deserve.

#18 Nov 21 - 2AM (Reply to #15)

Jelickuk

Very very very true why on

Very very very true why on earth would I want to be friends with him? Also he actually doesn't have friends, never did...lots of acquantances but he never really gets close to others. he certainly wants to look like the poor misunderstood father now, knight in shining army and robin hood all rolled into one. he might even go for the nobel peace prize he is practically perfect in every way according to him

#19 Nov 20 - 2PM

Hunter

He's nuts!! First he LANs you

He's nuts!! First he blames you for everything.. Today he's nice ..a manipulator at work.. Don't budge.. Contact = pain Hunter

#20 Nov 21 - 2AM (Reply to #13)

Jelickuk

Hi Hunter Oh I'm tempted at

Hi Hunter Oh I'm tempted at times to respond etc then I remember................and I'm not tempted anymore

#21 Nov 20 - 12PM

Done sourcing

You know what? My ex cheated

You know what? My ex cheated on me, we have a kid together, and she wants to have a friendship. That is how narcs work. Why wouldn't they want a friendly relationship. Then they can play all of the old games, and fuck with us all over again. We don't have to do that. And there is nothing wrong with cutting off the narc. It is our right and our decision to make. It is really nobody else's business. Emotional bullying is what they do. And today and hereafter we can be free of contact with them. Their form of misery requires company...they cannot be alone, remember that and use that knowledge as a strength...they will slither away, so let them! ds

#22 Nov 21 - 2AM (Reply to #11)

Jelickuk

Thanks ds I get so much

Thanks ds I get so much identification with your posts.

#23 Nov 20 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

Blythebloo

Exactly. They got some nerve

Exactly. They got some nerve expecting a friendship after all the crap they pulled and the abuse they spewed on us. We are expected to wipe the slate clean and forget all the lies, the cheating, the abuse like it never happened. Who with any good values and morals can do that??? That is what probably pisses me off the most. It's our fault we can't just let it all go and be friends. I absolutely refuse to do it!!!

#24 Nov 21 - 2AM (Reply to #10)

Jelickuk

Absolutely he wrote to me

Absolutely he wrote to me about the other woman and how she accepts for who he is and how he is. Then blames me for him being with her in the first place. It is a staggering nerve He is surprised at my inability to understand and let go. Oh I intend letting go ........... of him

#25 Nov 20 - 11PM (Reply to #8)

Done sourcing

None of my other friends are

None of my other friends are completely selfish Narcissists. None of my other friends shit all over me and call back the next day to say hello as if nothing had happened. None of my other friends lie cheat and steal like the N does. So the N doesn't qualify for my friendship club. Friends act like friends, Narcs act like Narcs once the mask is off. And there is nothing nice about a Narc without the mask on. ds

#26 Nov 21 - 3AM (Reply to #9)

faith_

"Their form of misery

"Their form of misery requires company...they cannot be alone, remember that and use that knowledge as a strength." I remember telling him it's like he's sh*tting all over me and telling me I smell. And I remember thinking of the snake...anaconda, I think...swallowing me up, then spitting me out...constant regurgitating. sorry for the imagery. just trying to say these are specific things that I felt so strongly he was doing to me and at the time I felt it perfectly described what was happening.

#27 Nov 20 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

nomoredenial

isnt that the damn truth!

They act like none of it never happened.

#28 Nov 21 - 2AM (Reply to #7)

Jelickuk

and yet we can't forget

#29 Nov 20 - 11PM (Reply to #5)

Done sourcing

Maybe they just can't

Maybe they just can't remember all of the lies they tell, and what makes that tough is that everything they say is a lie. Scary to think that what I just said might be closer to the truth than we realize. What a strange disorder these freaks have! ds

#30 Nov 21 - 2AM (Reply to #6)

Jelickuk

I am absolutely convinced he

I am absolutely convinced he believes he is the wronged party. He excuses the most bizarre and selfish behaviour. A 15 year old son never seen because he left his mother 8 months pregant to return to his wife. left wife for me without mentioning he was married gave me std after sleeping with others and blamed ex wife is with ow and still denying it despite fondling her in front of our children when still insisting he loves me leaving our young children unattended in park without food or coat at dusk for over 3 hours while he went to god knows where writing that to remind myself. he has excuses for all that and truly believes he is a victim of fate and other people hurt him...and what is so sad is that for 14 years i believed him.....what is even more terrifying is that sometimes i still do

#31 Nov 20 - 9AM

uk lady

Jelickuk

Just do whatever feels right for you at the present moment. If you are happier being NC in the situation and it works, then do it. If your friend feels happy being the mediator and she is happy doing it, then fine. BUT, what you have to take on board is that if others feel uncomfortable then maybe things have to change and you find another ways of coping with the situation. Just sit back, relax, re-evaluate and then take action. Don't act just because he feels you should. Take stock of how you can cope. Big hugs. Dee z

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