Bad conversationalist on phone

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#1 Jun 30 - 4PM

imabloke

Bad conversationalist on phone

My (now exN) was very poor at talking to me on the phone.

Admittedly i would have seen her (exN) the night before and there wouldn't be much to talk about, it still did didn't seem right.

The conversation would be be very one sided - i would say something and get nothing or very little back.. i should have realised then that this is a RED FLAG! It felt like she didn't want to talk to me at all. It was really hard work and I was fearful of the silence during conversation because when your in a normal relationship even talking with friends and family there's always been a natural flow.. But with her, there wasn't and i so wanted the relationship to work.

However it was never gonna work as i have now found out.

I am so glad i found a group of people that have had the same problems. I really thought it was me that was wrong, it was me that was stupid. God i feel such a prat. I need to believe in myself more. We ALL deserve better than this!

It would be nice to hear other peoples experiences on this posting.

#2 Jul 1 - 7AM

NinjaGirl

For all his witticism

And for all his talking in person, especially when others were around, it did often get boring talking to him on the phone. He often didn't "have anything to talk about," and although in the beginning I would tell him about my day, if I complained he'd ALWAYS tell me I was being abused at work and that I should find a new job. Mind you, my company is extremely stable, has excellent compensation and benefits, and it would be stupid for me to leave it. I just wanted to vent, you know? So after a while I stopped doing that, and at the end one of his complaints was that I never talked about my day with him anymore. Sometimes we'd have good talks, but he's pretty much a bundle of cliches, movie and TV lines, and inside jokes rolled up. When he does talk about things like politics, I can hear him basically saying exactly what he hears on the morning show he listens to on the radio. Or else he complains about things.

#3 Jul 1 - 7AM

betty2020

I agree that in the

I agree that in the idealization phase they can be a chatty Nellie. Talking endlessly to impress the victim and lure them into the web. Once they know ur in though its a different game. You are no longer the challenge therefore you have fallen to the bottom of the list of priority's. D&D has begun. This was a long, very subtle but excruciating process for me. I went for months thinking that i was the problem. I thought if i just changed he would love me again like before. This was impossible. I do know now that it was not me. He is just incapable. "As a Cross is to a Vampire: Emotional Intimacy is to a Narcissist"

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#4 Jul 1 - 7AM (Reply to #22)

Bodhi

Totally Agree...

Mine was in constant contact with me in the beginning... then when he went through his Big Change all he wanted was to be alone and accused me of being too needy. Wha? Wha?

#5 Jul 1 - 7AM (Reply to #16)

Steph

That's a horrible feeling,

That's a horrible feeling, isn't it? When you sense that shift in them and you don't feel "valued" anymore. Then you try and figure out what you did ( even though you haven't done anything different than from when they idealized you). Then you think maybe they just aren't into you anymore, but then they pick up the pace just that little bit and show interest again, so you think "great! we're back on track. everything is fine". then it starts all over again lol. So confusing to be in a relationship with them!

#6 Jul 1 - 2PM (Reply to #21)

broken23

yes, it is such a bad

yes, it is such a bad feeling and confusing when you dont know. i mean one day it would be i am busy with work so i stopped calling, one day it would be are you bored of talking to me. umm no you just told me yest you had a busy week. one day it would be no phone call and the response would be well you have a phone too. ugh. such a mindf***. there is no stability in these relationships. i want to strangle him just thinking about how difficult it was so figure out a phone call routine. in all my other relationships. if i want to call. i call and talk to the person. its that simple.

#7 Jul 1 - 7AM (Reply to #17)

betty2020

they always like to keep you

they always like to keep you hanging on just in the event of limited supply. They get bored so easy. I can see at month 9 my ExN already was drifting. Still mixing it up to keep me hanging on for another 1 1/2 but the honeymoon was over and he was looking for new excitement. Hes got it now. Lets see what happens to her in 9 months.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#8 Jul 1 - 8AM (Reply to #18)

Steph

yup. The first time around

yup. The first time around with him I felt the shift after about 4 months....we broke up at the 6 month mark. Second time around was better longer actually. But, at about 9 or 10 months, i felt the shift again. Broke up at 1 year mark. Mine lasted 6 months with the next supply after me lol Your xN's new girl won't last either.

#9 Jul 1 - 8AM (Reply to #19)

betty2020

No doubt. What is so odd is

No doubt. What is so odd is that he had two long term relationships prior to me. They were abusive as well from the sounds of it. I think he just feels he is entitled to have his cake and eat it so he keeps the long term thing going for as long as the supply will tolerate his behavior and he rotates out his boredom with other supply of hookers and such. On his my space profile it states, "Im a bit of a bad boy so you have to be accepting of that". translation: "I'm gonna fuck around on you and possibly give you a disease but you will have to accept my behavior and not question me, if you do we will get along just fine". So his first wife lasted 13 years with kids and the ex girlfriend lasted 7 years with one kid. They did tolerate his abuse, I refused and was D&D.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#10 Jul 1 - 8AM (Reply to #20)

Steph

Yeah, I'm sure the only

Yeah, I'm sure the only reason the others lasted was because they didn't call him out on anything....and like you said, he had hookers on the side to numb the boredom. I'm glad you stood up to him!

#11 Jul 1 - 6AM

NancyM

phone

It was always about him. I could never reach him on the phone, he even controlled "when" he was available to talk. He would always call on the third day after D&D and tell me he had to see me to talk to me. The reasons he gave were never related to what had occurred in the D&D, but I was doing the typical grateful for being spoken to. When he came back it was all lovely, and of course we never talked. Total mindbend till I finally worked out he took three days to work out a plausible story,and I would be "Ã¶ver" it. Aaaarrrgh. He practically lived with the phone plastered on his ear. He never had it further than arms reach. Actually I did entertain a fantasy at one stage of nailing the damned thing to his head.lol

Nevergoback

#12 Jul 1 - 7AM (Reply to #14)

GIJ

Phone control

Used it as a freak tool with everyone. Very disrespectful of other people's time. Would make appointments only to break them without apology. At first I thought he was just confused because of his dyslexia. Now I see he likes to mess with people and be "in complete control". FREAK SHOW ALL THE WAY He thinks he's king and above all others. Major RED FLAG!!

#13 Jul 1 - 7AM (Reply to #13)

NinjaGirl

Mine did that too!

And if I needed 10 minutes before we could talk because I had to finish getting ready for bed, when I'd call back he'd be yawning and sound so sleepy. Like 10 minutes was a huge deal. And it didn't happen all that often. But there were times when I wouldn't sleep at all the night before, and so he knew I was exhausted, and he'd call me an hour or so later than he could have, because he would get ready for bed, READ FIRST (KNOWING I was exhausted), and then call me. Man, that made me so freaking mad.

#14 Jul 1 - 4AM

ewa

They can

They can and are able to talk on the phone alot. However only if they want or if they need to. It is the same about chat. Especially when they need to hunt the new person. Its part of the manipulation, the control length of the phone conversation and also control what feelings you are left after the conversation with them.

#15 Jun 30 - 10PM

Kelly

None of my N's . . .

were any good at phone conversations. Very brief (partially my fault though, I'm short on the phone as well.) However, I have had very deep, emotional conversations with friends who aren't N's. My last exN seemed to get bored when the conversation drifted to something about me. I felt like he wasn't interested in anything I had to say. He would only talk about what he wanted and never answered any of my questions. (or he would skirt around answering) One of my N friends used to only call when he wanted to vent and rage about how he thinks American woman are all horrible b@#$s (I happen to be an American woman, but he seems to forget that.) Needless to say, since I caught on to N's and their baloney, I have distanced myself from him and he got the hint and stopped calling.

#16 Jun 30 - 10PM

Susan32

Awful on the phone

I used to call my ex-P as soon as I came back to college, when summer break ended. It was to touch base with him... since I'd be NC on him for 4 months. I always called him;he never called me. My sophomore year, he used to reliably come to concerts and lectures. My junior year, he came less and less... without explanations other than "I was busy." The phone conversations could be excruciating. Sometimes he'd goad me. Or all he'd reply to me was "uh huh." I have vague memories of phone conversations... and no, he wasn't a good conversationalist. A total lack of give and take. Besides, I later learned that his European vacations over the summer were bunk. My senior year, I made the mistake of calling him around 9 pm, and he was rather quick to get me off the phone... since I think the girlfriend had moved in by then. Yet he hinted that he'd call his girlfriend at midnight... always on his terms. He NEVER called me.

#17 Jun 30 - 9PM

Happy1

It's always about him ... he

It's always about him ... he doesn't call me on the phone ever. he only texts maybe with one word in a day or something. He doesn't ask me how I'm doing or have any interest in my life. Mine is all him him him. He could give 2 sh_ts about me.

#18 Jun 30 - 7PM

broken23

i could talk to my n for

i could talk to my n for countless hours, granted i was doing a lot of the talking, but it was about non-sense stuff like tv, weather, sports etc. he could not hold a emotional conversation about family, friends, life. on his bday i asked him what his goals are for the next ten years...and he couldnt answer or talk about things like that. he got mad after two and said i ruined his bday!

#19 Jun 30 - 7PM

Bodhi

phone or no phone...

In my experience they don't have much to say unless the conversation revolves around them.

#20 Jul 1 - 7AM (Reply to #6)

agnesmurphy17

Yep

Mine even told me that conversations about people & things he did not know were of no interest to him. I was supposed to "validate" him -- his words. I was supposed to repeat to him what he said. I learned later that this is "mirroring." Mine pushed & trained me into "mirroring" him. Often he told me that he was "starved" for communication. Our conversations were so boring. Taking about current media events (ex: Madoff, real estate crash, Gulf war) was boring. So, me, my work & daily news--not acceptable conversation topics. Only worthy topic of discussion was HIM & other than that, he was off doing his own thing. Phone. We did not have much phone contact. I am not a "check in" type of a person. But, I learned from the woman who followed me . . . they spoke on the phone 2-4x per day while at work. So, I think some behaviors may be suited to the victim involved.

#21 Jul 1 - 12AM (Reply to #4)

Lisa E. Scott

Exactly

"In my experience they don't have much to say unless the conversation revolves around them." So true, Bodhi! So true!

#22 Jul 1 - 6AM (Reply to #5)

Bodhi

I remember...

when he would come home at the end of the day and wouldn't talk to me I'd always start with "so, tell me about you day at work..." Did the trick every time. LOLOLOL. He LOVED talking about himself.

#23 Jun 30 - 6PM

Steph

Not too bad in the

Not too bad in the beginning. he always just talked about himself. his day, his work, his family, him him him. got bored with my stuff.

#24 Jul 1 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

MovinOnUp

My husband and I have never

My husband and I have never really been chatty on the phone. After thirty years, if he calls me he still tells me who he is lol. The only time we ever talked on the phone is when he was away for some reason... school, ski trip etc. I guess he had to call to make sure I was still there. And I guess I must drive him nuts when I go away, because the only call he's getting will be to tell him I arrived safely. But I'm one of those crazy people who still doesn't have a cell phone and has no desire to be connected and available to anyone 24/7.

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