aurgh, I suck at dating

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#1 Oct 29 - 11AM

Anonymous (not verified)

aurgh, I suck at dating

So... 3 date guy sends me a text just now

how are your plans for the weekend...?

I reply "working tomorrow till 6, nothing crazy planned as of yet, you?"

He replies "ya I work tomorrow too, then painting my place on sunday, might have a stag to go to saturday night"

.....

Like wtf?? We had talked previously about seeing a movie this weekend or getting together.
Why is he so vague?

I realize he's shy but frig.

What would you ladies reply to that?

#2 Oct 30 - 2AM

Briseis

I've been following along,

I've been following along, just too busy all day to sit down and respond. What strikes me is how uber important this whole thing is to you. I'm sitting way out here in objectivity land, and seeing you going on an emotional rollercoaster. I'm not thinking it is this particular guy . . . I'm wondering about what is DRIVING you so hard. What is it that is so important? Only VERY important things give us this kind of headache. It seems VERY important to you to have a man in your life. Nothing at all wrong with that. It's your response that is over the top. The "uuuurrrghhh" and anxious rumination, needing to talk about it a lot with friends, how you question yourself and second guess yourself over and over again -- this is not "normal". This is desperation. There's some very important need inside you that you are hoping like hell to meet, and maybe you can with this guy, maybe not, maybe some other. But you are looking looking looking, it's an anxious kind of looking. Desperate looking. There's too much drama for this to be normal and healthy dating. I mean drama inside of you. Perhaps it really is that you are still a bit fragile, lack confidence in yourself as a person/woman because of the Narc relationship. Perhaps there is more to it, this "desperation' to have some sort of "man" to look forward to. What will he give you? What do you HOPE he will do for you? Don't knock these questions aside. I think there is some important self-knowledge for you in the answers. You are a perfectly whole person without a guy to look forward to. It puts you in such a "petitioner" position, you know? Your life is on hold because you are waiting for some guy to give it meaning. That is the way your behavior (as you describe it) LOOKS, from an outsider's perspective (mine). I also relate very, very much with that neediness, that consuming search for some missing meaning in my life that I hope will be solved with a relationship. It won't be, it can't be. What you want is YOU. I write all this in hopes of having you think about yourself, without judging yourself, just observing yourself. Taking a step back from yourself and seeing it all in a slightly different light. This is the self work necessary for the healing journey.

#3 Oct 30 - 8AM (Reply to #23)

movingforward (not verified)

you're right Briseis

This is what seems to happen to me when I'm not in the driver's seat. When I feel 'in control' of a man or my relationship, I lose interest in them and leave. When I'm not in control and the other person seems grounded or established, I feel attracted to the man or maybe to the idea of it and then the internal crazy behaviour begins. Looks like I have a problem here that needs to be sorted out. Another single friend and I were discussing this last night. We're both catholic school teachers and our co-workers are either married, engaged or whatever. The co-workers and people around us are forever making us feel like outcasts for being single or trying to set us up with people. That kind of stuff tends to sink in for a while...the feeling of, our lives aren't complete until we meet that guy. I can see how from an outsider looking in, how 'desperate' that would seem. Funny how when a man seems desperate or needy I get so turned off and I run to the nearest exit. When I left my daughter's father 10 years ago, I spent a year or more alone not giving a crap about dating or men or whatever...and just feeling free from that horrible relationship. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought that by now I'd be settled down with a husband and she'd have some siblings. Aaand, hasn't really turned out that way. Hence with the latest scenerio... Anyways.

#4 Oct 30 - 1PM (Reply to #24)

Briseis

Maybe that has something to

Maybe that has something to do with the trauma (unsorted within you) from the relationship with your exH. The feeling of "control" in the context of a relationship is more about fear than about love. It makes perfect sense, after being so hurt, you know? That "conquest" and pursuit thing . . . it is everywhere, in everyone, and I'm not sure that I understand it even within myself, but I sure can relate with it. Where there is more fear than love, it is a "symptom". Of something off kilter, a healing that needs to happen within you. I suspect it has something to do with trusting versus not trusting yourself. And then your grief over the loss of a family for your daughter :( . That must really hurt like heck. It's not your fault you could not give this to her, it was her father's fault. You can't pick families off of trees. I suspect it is much more a grief for you than for her. Kids "don't know what they don't know". But you sure do :( . This "loss" of a family for your daughter must be a very hard thing to come to terms with :( , inside yourself.

#5 Oct 29 - 4PM

onwithmylife

movingforward

my honest ,and that is all I can be and may not be what you want,my answer is to move on and stop putting forth so much mind energy onto this one guy. Perhaps you may be too frail emotionally to do any dating as of now and just enjoy your own company. There are plenty of men and they will appear when you least expect it and are in a less self conscience mood, you are too hard on yourself and trying to impress him too much.I had a guy who did not call me back after 2 dates, no big deal, it is his loss and I will keep looking for the man for me...You do not suck at dating but i think you need to develope a healthier approach to it.

#6 Oct 29 - 7PM (Reply to #20)

movingforward (not verified)

you're right...

Healthier as in... not assuming when you think something 'clicks' with someone, that it'll go beyond a date or two...

#7 Oct 29 - 8PM (Reply to #21)

onwithmylife

movingforward

EXACTLY, just because you have a few good dates does not a relationship make! I saw this guy several times and we clicked but then again I did not hear back from him , so no big deal, like I said it is HIS loss, he will never know me further, people are so darn fickle these days, but why waste your life trying to figure someone out, look we spent way too much time for the EXNarcs in our life and where did it get us, lost years and a lot of them. just move on, KNOW your worth and develope a tougher skin!!!!Maybe it is called developing a healthier self esteem and know your worth, you do not have to be a NARC to do that! As for me when I do get to know someone I will give myself to them in MY time and not theirs.....................

#8 Oct 29 - 3PM

wholeagain

Okay

I was all for you chilling on him a bit about how fast he was replying, but this is bullsh*t. Passive bullsh*t! And he has to mention it's a stag party? Please. It shouldn't be this hard! IMO your reply was great. Short, to the point, no door open. ((((movingforward))))

#9 Oct 29 - 2PM

ShaynasMommy

....."He replies "ya I work

....."He replies "ya I work tomorrow too, then painting my place on sunday, might have a stag to go to saturday night" Y'know, re reading this my gut is just screaming that all he wants to do is to keep you on a leash. He wants to make it known that he's sooooo busy, too busy for you, and he thinks you are some sort of shut-in just because you haven't made any concrete plans with anyone else by now. He thinks that you depend on him to determine your social life. Let's be real. He's not shy. He's selfish.

#10 Oct 29 - 7PM (Reply to #17)

movingforward (not verified)

true...

And the whole concrete plans thing... well I am in my thirties and do have a daughter... So, it's not like I'd be all "hey! getting hammered tonight, you!?!?" Cuz that isn't me... other than last weekend, lol. I think he's over women, his first ever email to me was like "your friend wants to set us up, I'm not with anyone...not really looking, but I'd like to meet you" Should have been my first hint. Anyhoo, life goes on.

#11 Oct 29 - 1PM

movingforward (not verified)

....

The painting his place is for real, he's gutting a house, only has weekends off and does work on it on weekends... Anyways, I replied because I felt that leaving it meant I was pissed...which I'm not, I don't even know this guy... I replied, "ah sounds busy, ok have a good weekend" ....

#12 Oct 29 - 1PM (Reply to #15)

Used

mforward

why ask you about hooking up for a movie then, if he works weekends....i dont believe one thing he says.....and so what if he thought you might be pissed...why should you care...he is a MESSER!!!!!

#13 Oct 29 - 1PM

Qing Yuan

Once upon a time I would

Once upon a time I would have said.. put yourself out there, be honest and be yourself.... text back and ask if he still wants to hang out, see a film, what have you got to loose lady..... BUT now I wont say that.... NO WAY... maybe he really is a clueless fool and scared of asking you directly. (AND most men like some sort of chase..) but if he likes you and get the courage up enough to text you 'what are your plans' today, then he now knows your free, he can text again... but I do reckon, painting my place sounds pretty strange... I mean yes brushing you off cos he has an otherwise engagement like dinner with is mother or a trip to seaside with friends already arranged, but 'Im painting my place' over a date with a woman... something makes me feel wierd about that!!! Good Luck... Hope he proves not to be a potential narc!!! XX

#14 Oct 29 - 12PM

hopefuljms

I agree with the rest of the ladies

Don't respond. Even if he did want to go out with you on Saturday, does he think you are at his beck and call??? If he can't call or txt you by Wednesday then he is out of luck. Check him off the list and move on.

#15 Oct 29 - 11AM

jen79

and movingforward

Serioulsy, I would end this thing with him now, before you get sucked in more. He is already showing you red flags and stupid behaviour all over the place. This drama that you really dont need now, dont you think? Read "the rules"! This helped me to set up some standards for myself, I wish I would use them for the narc...ughhh.

#16 Oct 29 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

Scoop

Movingforward do not respond

Movingforward do not respond to this guy , i have had bollocks texts like that from men and all it says to me is " is scoop still intrested ?" and you text back and they think "yep she is excelent .... next ..." dump this guy like a hot brick . Its easy to dump a guy when you do no contact with the narc because you have had some practice . ... i love the bit in sex and the city when charlot ended it with a guy and carry said that" it will take a week and a half to get over him and true to form it did ". I would wager that it takes you a week and a half to get over this knob end . Truely you need some time off from men , you are only 6 weeks nc and that is no time at all , sweetie , i did the same thing as you with dr guy , i rushed into a relationship before i had worked through all the stages of grief , i was horrible to Dr guy , i was like a spitting venomus animal with him ... im heading for 9 months nc and i am only just now ready to do out with him again ... give youre self some time off , if he is worth any salt he will wate and if he doesnt then fuck him right off . This guy sounds to me like he would want to put you on a string ... men have a six sence too and they can smell insecurity the same as we do and you can only be insecure after spending so much time with a narc and i dont mean that in a acussing way its just the way it is . My thought when i left the narc (i only left because he gave me no other option) was to go out with dr guy so i could regain some of my self essteem that the narc took from me, it backed fired big time and i ended up taking it all out on him , like the narc projects pain into us so i did it to the dr . It sounds like you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole with this guy .... its easy to fall into the trap that maybe this guy is the "one " when you hurt so much , but rebound relationships never work out .Any relationship you have soon after a heartbreak just dont work out , you bury youre pain and it has to come out sometime , its unhealthy . I hate the way the narc pulls these great romantic strings with us , but what i am learning is that place he took me too was fake on his behalf but real for me which means i can feel that way about someone else ... but after 6 weeks nc ... no way .. big love to you tonight .. im thinking of you and wish you healing xxx

#17 Oct 29 - 7PM (Reply to #11)

movingforward (not verified)

omg, scoop, you are awesome!!

That was a fabulous post!! Thank you, I'll have to read up on your story for sure :)

#18 Oct 29 - 12PM

Used

mforward

i wouldnt reply at all ,he has just told you his whole weekend is booked.....f;;k him!!!!sod this for a game of soldiers....in other words...yuk.........ps i know you keep saying he is shy...well he wasent so shy enough not to text you.....realy you havent known where you have stood all the time with this guy i would blow him out sharpish!!!!if i keep returning to this i will be writing a book...he is not being vague....he is bieng indiffrent...... HE AINT BOTHERED....to quote catherine tate from a british sitcom.....

#19 Oct 29 - 11AM

jen79

movingforward

I would not respond at all. Have a little trust, that things that are ment to be will be effortless, and things that are struggling already in the beginning, will suck later on even more. These are the little red flags, that you should be aware of now. Why texteing you anyway and asking for weekend plans, when he doesnt want to take you out? This is stupid. I would kick him to the curb.

#20 Oct 29 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

hooklineandsinker

I totally agree. Either

I totally agree. Either respond "so why exactly are you texting me then? I don't need a penpal right now, thanks" or don't respond at all.

#21 Oct 29 - 11AM

sunflowergrl70

I wouldn't

I wouldn't reply to it. He's being vague. Men are strange creatures, but if they want something bad enough they go out of their way to get it. I've had experience with dating and I have found that if a guy is more then luke warm about me they are tripping over themselves to make a date AND they are doing it earlier then the day before. I'd be cordial, but I wouldn't be trying to ask HIM for a date. If he wants to see you he will see you. Period. In the meantime get busy doing fun things with your friends or put yourself out there for other guys to ask you out.

#22 Oct 29 - 11AM

TNR1

I would respond. "Oh,

If you like him, I would respond. "Oh, really? I was thinking about seeing a movie this weekend and was hoping we could go together." This way you have stated that you are interested in him. Guys are oftentimes really clueless about the hints we give them. Also, it allows him to respond without feeling pressured, you could go to the movie by yourself or with some friends.

#23 Oct 29 - 11AM

betty2020

wouldnt respond at all. Go

wouldnt respond at all. Go out with the girlfriends if you want to go out for Halloween and spend the rest of your days reading up on personality disorders and toxic relationships. Get well prepared before you venture out in the dating world or you will end up hurt again. We repeat patterns so thats why we take our time before going back out there. It can be a huge danger zone if your not ready and armed. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#24 Oct 29 - 11AM

ShaynasMommy

What would I say

I wouldn't say a thing. Make my own plans. Its Halloween, there's gotta be something going on for you to do! ;-)

#25 Oct 29 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

Janet

Not a big deal. No response

Not a big deal. No response and make other plans if you want to go out. Peace. J

Peace. J

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