They always abuse , as sure as night follows day . I have spent a long time wondering if the ow is getting better treatment than i did and at the moment i would say it is proberly about the same , she is in a honey moon period and has been talking to a friend of mine about how intence he is ... my eyes rolled at this "yep thats about right " i thought . Its great when you see what you know about the psycopath play out in front of youre eyes , its great clarification for me . According to my clock her d&d is but a mear mouth away , the minute it becomes real with him he will drop her like a hot brick .. the thing about pathological disordered people is they can not change , this is a manta we need to fix in our heads , They have zero insight into their own behaviour so if they dont think something is wrong they will never change behaviour because what is there to change ... nothing.. in their eyes they are right all of the time , and even if they get a sniff that they have done something wrong in the dead of night when they are alone they will reason it out to them selves and blame blame blame untill they make it ok .they are god and shamelessly deluded . I was thinking today that i should really start feeling sorry for my narc like i would feel sorry for someone with any mental health problems , if i could get to that point then maybe forgiveness would be round the corner, i couldnt feel sorry for him , not yet , but the spark was there and thats something new in the road to recovory .
Big love Scoop x
The narc loves a woman who sleeps around , who dosent want anything from him , this is secondary supply for him , he can be who he wants to be with this woman and he can lean back and enjoy the trip . When you are in a "relationship " with him and expect any real emotional interaction with him this is where the shit hits the fan , he is incaperble of any emotional imput , the minute you start to expect a normal relationship is when the abuse begins , he needs you as primory supply but he is clueless on how to interact , this is when the d&d starts to happen . He needs to keep you in a head lock so you wont leave , it is a slow chipping away at the soul ie mine told me very early on in the d&d "i like girls with brown hair " i have blond . he said "youre phone doesnt go off as much as mine " ..... just little digs to set the in the corrosion , speckeled with this incidious abuse was the normal adoration . It is a terrible thing to go through . Stay strong xx
I guess the hardest thing to accept from narc behavior is that they can't accept that some of us accept "left field attitudes towards sex, open relationships, etc" as a person's CHOICE, IF they are honest with us in the beginning. TRUE, many of us girls wouldn't have accepted that from them as far as a "boyfriend" but wouldn't judge them as a friend.
SO, i guess this makes sense that they LIE to us about WANTING what WE want, but their motives are NS instead of a true relationship with us.
LML
they still lie to you even when you are "just freinds", thats who they are.. this is what i couldnt come to terms with, i said you lied, we were only freinds not in a relationship yet you lied, he then said, i didnt have to tell you you were only a "mate", he used to cross examine me 24/7, where have you been what have you been doing who have you been seeing..... and the greasted one, i hope you are not seeing anyone behind my back... well does someone ask that of someone who they only consider a mate... but he was doing everything he projected on to me, including beign in a relationship all the time we were freinds.... i never knew, but she knew about mine and his freindship.. so she put up with him spending 24/7 with a freind. well i got out then...
If you were able to live with Johnny Cash and his second wife, then you could legitimately ask this question lol!
One thing I've learned over the course of 45 years is that you can't possibly know the truth about someone unless you LIVE WITH THEM, for a few years.
That said, your chances of really knowing anyone is pretty low.
Did Johnny Cash really treat his second wife better? Or did she just conspire better to hide the abuse from the public? We know it is a fact that people in general very rarely change, and Narcs are so disturbed that they'd have to have a personality transplant to even be NORMAL.
You just don't know.
Don't mistake "hope" for a fact. Don't mistake your wonderings or imagination of how it might be as a fact. No one really knows "what if", ever.
What you DO know is how he treated YOU. The facts of that are in full evidence. That is all you need to know.
Everything else, the what-ifs, the wonderings/imaginings, are . . . fantasies. Not facts, not worth your time.
I see a lot of ladies put too much into their fantasies because they are lonely, or afraid of being alone, or embarassed to be alone after a failed marriage/relationship.
Then they start thinking it wasn't as bad as it was, or that the Narc will find a "real" woman who he will not be a Narc with.
Underneath all the fantasies and wondering is your fear of being alone, and your low self respect and self esteem :( That low self esteem gets you thinking you caused him to BE a Narc (as if you were that powerful).
The real problem in your life is this (in all the lives of everyone on this board).
Its difficult to see this when you have been brainwashed and fucked around by an expert narc , baby steps . When you are in the early stages of nc you need to step back and not blame youre self fot the abuse you went through , this is very important in recovory . In early nc you have to wrap youre self up and shout "I DID NOT DESERVE IT !"... sure you need to look with in but that happens after de programing , to start to blame youre self when he is still in youre head is not the way foward . de programing started with me at about 3 months no contact .I let the most terrible abuse happen to me emotional and physical with a touch of sexual humiliation to boot , i believed him when he told me he loved me and he was trying to help me ... that was where he wanted my head to be at and he pulled out all the stops to make sure i believed him , i have to START with that was wrong .....then let the healing comence . xxx
thank you for that. i appreciate it. the thing is, i have spoken to hi x's and he has done some weird stuff to them too, but never ever as bad as it was to me. i know i can be demanding and high maintanence and he certainly brought out something in me that freaks me out. i think i turned into a narc and can clearly descrbe their inner workings. is it catching? the think is, if he could do that to me, couldn't i do that to him?
I know what you're getting at, and I know that hope is annoying: is he capable of being different to someone else? On this board, I think one of the greatest fears we all share is that the narc will go on to be happy and to love--with someone else. I don't think they are ever truly different, though it may seem that way sometimes. The thing is, sometimes it takes a really long time for his true self to show in one situation while it shows earlier in another. He may pretend to himself that he's "learned a lesson" from ruining his previous relationship and deliberately do the things he should to keep the next one going, but it's not him; it's an act and it will end-sometime.
Found this very interesting. Helldweller - you have hit the nail on the head for where I am today (only day 2 NC :o( ) ... during last few conversations (ever), he said he got divorced because he was so selfish, but would only modify his behaviour when he met someone who was in his league. He said I was in the league, but too unstable for him to be worth modifying his behaviour for !! His analogy was "I like Lamorghinis but why would I go into debt to have one?!" How insulting. But it has left me wondering ... was it me? And will he go on to be happy with someone else? I suppose if I maintain NC (and I intend to), I will never know - but it is a proper punch in the face torturing myself with thoughts of that.
How awful that he said that...and a big fat example of projection.
No one will be good enough for him to modify his behavior. He'll make sure of that, he'll choose only those who'll tolerate his crap for just about nothing in return.
The reality is, he's not stable inside, definitely not enough to modify his behavior.
Don't take on his internal chaos darlin. This isn't about you, this is about the sorry state he'll always be in.
xoxo
that makes sense. when he first started dating me, that's what he said (the lesson thing).... god he was too good to be true... handsom, generous, affectionate, professonal...
I think it showed early with me because i'm fiesty and i'm giving but kind of demanding too. i'm also really sensitive and i 'wear my heart on my sleeve' and he contemptively put it. this new women i haven;t met but i did the psychotic thing of calling her with my number blocked and she sounds kind of harsh by her voice. says she's a 'resource manager' or something. i also found it interesting that she is hispanic and in the beggining of our relationship he threw around racial slurs about hispanics because he said his first wife was mexican and she was 'fridgid'. they really do disgard even their feelings thoughts and social circles dont they. by the way, i found the racial thing really offensive, but i over looked it just like everything else.
Always always always
Narcs are not capable of self growth... there are rarely any success stories out there.
I really don't know much about Johnny Cash [and if he is a narc]... but if the movie is at all accurate, you couldn't pay me enough to be June Carter Cash... talk about dysfunction. He was so self absorbed... no thanks!
Can narcs manage to be married for a long time? Yes. My dad is a raging narc and has been married to my mom for 40+ years. But it's also a codependent emotionally abusive marriage. To outsiders, I'm sure it looks like they have a great relationship.
Focus on yourself... what do you want your next relationship to look like? How do you deserve to be treated?
They always abuse , as sure
scoop
The narc loves a woman who
YES, but they will never admit it
LML
lisalisa47
If you were able to live
Brisies
Well said.
Briseis
Fierflie
Always abusive?
Alibi
helldweller thank you
Yessssss