anyone find getting to know new people in your life tedious?

21 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 15 - 10PM

Anonymous (not verified)

anyone find getting to know new people in your life tedious?

I just feel like with XN it was so simple and easy getting to know him things just instantly klicked... he understood everything about me. He was emailing nice emails..and jokes..and fun things... I guess maybe it was more engaging.

I just find people boring. Is this normal? Like actually emailing people boring... talking about things that interest me bring.

or is it because there are no problems to solve for normal people...no drama.

I also find as I am email this one person I am getting to know that I sit and think sheesh XN would know that...or with XN I didnt have to explain so much he just knew!! Sometimes it makes me miss XN other times just frustrates me.

are normal people just boring to me?

#2 Jan 16 - 4PM

Barbara (not verified)

destiny

as Dr. Hare has said, 'there is no fool-proof way to COMPLETELY avoid the possibility of another one.' But you can minimize it. Get a copy of HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN and maybe the workbook. That's a great start. https://www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?ii=136236&c=cart&aff=21165&ejc=2 ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#3 Jan 16 - 2PM

Carolyn

there is some excitement in

there is some excitement in being on a roller coaster but everyone eventually gets off. Yet you remember the fun of the ride and forget how scared you were. That is different than just riding around in a golf cart. The golf cart doesn't have all the plesure/pain experiences. It is stable, gets you where you want to go, doesn't take much gas, is easy. The difference between the emotional roller coaster experience with a narc and the experience of being transported in a golf cart is the roller coaster is out of your control and just goes in circles with a lot of fear and drama and ends up back where it started. The golf cart isn't exciting but it takes you where you want to go, at your speed, and actually takes you to a destination of your choice. Adrenaline rush is thrilling and exciting but it isn't for everyday. You don't have to be entertained by other people they are just folks out there doing their best-the narc is a high /low guy out there to victimize the rest.

#4 Jan 16 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

fairy wings

Carolyn

I have spent years thinking about all of this, years working with other women and yet you always give me food for thought! My ex was a biker as in motorbiker. I loved the fact I rode pillion. All my friends said they would hate being the one not in control and yet this was what I loved. Now you have made me really think about why I loved this. It was the thrill of not knowing. I didn't control the speed, or the route we took nor did I decide the destination. Best of all I got to take risks without actually taking them. I learnt to ride my own bike but it never felt the same as riding pillion. He would go way faster than I ever dared to do and I loved it' I loved it because I had no control. It was the thrill.

#5 Jan 15 - 11PM

aceonelady

Yes me too Destiny

Well i could have written what your just said above myself .with my ex N was the click every word came easy a bonding,things were engaging we exchanged a lot of information about languages PC Software food everything...we had a lot of laughs ,i really thought he was at least my friend....Now is only tears i am NC ...he wants nothing to do with me anymore,,,i am glad is over but i miss him...and i cant understand how is this possible!

Aceonelady

#6 Jan 16 - 4PM (Reply to #17)

micala

I understand

I totally understand where you are coming from. I thought if nothing else I had a forever friend...until I failed to go along with the script he had laid out for me. I was then discarded and replaced like nothing. He turned it all around to make me look like the loon and also does not s/w me simply because I called him on all the lies. Like you, I do miss the laughs, the connection the friendship even though I know now it was obviously all PRETEND. That is the hard part... having to come to the realization that I never even mattered to him. I bucked his reality and bam I was discarded and replaced! Never knew what hit me until I learned about nacissism. I was amazed because EVERYTHING I read about it was him to a tea. Now going forward even though I absolulty suck at this NC I am more determind than ever to keep it going. On my 4th day! Weekends are the worst cause we always had alot of fun but I just keep reminding myself that he is ill and that I wont have to put up with anymore of the mind games...let the ow deal with that because eventually his mental log that he keeps on people witll eventually start with her also!

micala

#7 Jan 15 - 11PM (Reply to #2)

destiny (not verified)

same here aceone...we had a

same here aceone...we had a lot of techie things in common... mine cut me off too ...wants nothing to do with me...this after begging for me back and never wanting to live without me...he said I was his shadow (so fake) why is it that there is that click with them though...and we find normals boring. â€œIt's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.â€

#8 Jan 16 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

MsVulcan500

I'm thinking just the opposite.

I am thinking just the opposite here. I am finding that I am really enjoying getting out and meeting new people. I find it exciting to just have normal conversations about things that don't all involve one person's drama. For NYE, someone I didn't know very well invited me to a party. That day I started talking myself out of going. But I did end up going and had a great time! I chatted with a lot of people I didn't know, found some of their stories interesting, some not so much, but overall it was great! Last night I went to happy hour with someone I used to work with and she was the only one I knew there too. Again, I loved listening to everyone and having normal conversations with them. Never once, at either of these events did I feel "ALMOST good enough" like I always felt with my N. At the NYE party my resolution was to accept all social invites this year and get out there and meet people. Doing anything but sitting at home. It's only the middle of January and I have already met some really cool people. I am excited to see where this all goes from here!

#9 Jan 16 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

fairy wings

Ditto

I have told myself this is the year I must say yes to the Universe and accept invitations that come my way.

#10 Jan 16 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

MsVulcan500

Yes, Fairy Wings!

Yes, accept invitations to get out and do things. Will all of them be exciting? Will you only meet nice people? Probably not. But I can guarantee that if you don't accept invitations, people will eventually stop asking. Then you won't have any outlet, and you will be sitting at home thinking about the XN. The best revenge is living a full life. And if you want to get out and meet new people, go do it! Yay for you! You will also find as your life fills up with things to do, you will have less idle time to think about what he is doing. And you will also find that there really are a lot of nice people out there.

#11 Jan 17 - 5PM (Reply to #16)

fairy wings

Thank you

I actually left my violent partner five years ago, however after I left I was too scared to go far as his path kept crossing mine. He had a harassment warning twice (he knew how long to leave in between so as not to get arrested). Then I got sick, PTSD, and during this time I felt like I was living in a vacuum and that no one understood what I'd been through. I remember listening to office talk and having no connection. That's changed now, but I lost a lot of self esteem and found I was shy in social situations. I then started swimming again and got to know a few faces. Similar at work had a coffee with someone and we got to be friends. I am still not good in groups, however this year I decided to seek out more. So far I've been good!

#12 Jan 15 - 11PM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

destiny

things didn't "CLICK" He PROFILED and MIRRORED you ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#13 Jan 16 - 12AM (Reply to #4)

rache

Mirror and profile

Please explain how profile and mirror works.I would hope if we all knew we could avoid making or letting someone do this to us again.

#14 Jan 16 - 2AM (Reply to #5)

Barbara (not verified)

rache

these have been discussed a number of times... you need to keep going thru the message board as well as reading the WHOLE BLOG. PLEASE http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/01/06/am-i-under-his-spell http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/01/08/am-i-under-his-spell-part-ii-how-pathological-uses-mind-control http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/01/09/am-i-under-his-spell-part-iii http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2006/12/lures-of-online-predator.html HOW THEY DO IT http://www.deeptrancenow.com/exc2_seduction.htm http://www.outofthefogsite.com/CommonBehaviors.html#Mirroring PROFILING is also known as "sizing you up" - by getting you to talk about yourself, your past, your fears... they profile you. There's no way to know when they are doing this. AND STAY OFF ONLINE DATING!! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#15 Jan 16 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

destiny (not verified)

Barbara

If there is NO way of knowing they are doing this...how on earth do we avoid another one? I know my Narc would read the surveys I would post on Myspace... my friends and I would fill them out and reply to eachother and he would read them and make comments on them. I was told last year by a guy friend of mine that Narc probably used that info to figure me out. but other than those surveys I didnt give out too much info. but he was around when my Narc father was verbally abusive and would listen in to all of that. He also tested my boundaries a lot.. I guess I just cant pinpoint how he was able to profile me enough that the first conversation we had on the phone we just clicked. Maybe it was his woe as me routine and I felt sorry for him.. and felt that was a connection..I dunno. â€œIt's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.â€

#16 Jan 16 - 8AM (Reply to #6)

time_to_move_on

mirroring

My ex did this a lot. However he did have a genuine interesting in reading, writing etc (he'd done an English degree and been a teacher). Which I really focused on as he used to bring it up as he knew I loved it. But I noticed the more the relationship went on it just went back to him. And he could switch interests according to what reaction he wanted to get (go on about boxing and violence to irritate me or my elderly aunt). Also, I found that with him and another guy I went out with, they are really not interesting if you listen carefully. I found if I just stopped, paused and observed, they are boring people. No warmth, emptiness, and they drone on. Just with a smile and charm to try and hide it. I now love normal people. Things at one time I would never have wanted to do I would do now. I ache for normality :)

#17 Jan 16 - 3PM (Reply to #11)

rache

mirroring

YES! The ex N i was involved with lives his life scheduling the whole thing(drone)! IF,something comes up out of the blue he gets hysterical.

#18 Jan 16 - 8AM (Reply to #7)

time_to_move_on

meant to add..

if you want death-defyingly boring meet someone with a personality disorder who is also stupid. The two I was involved with were fairly intelligent (with zilch emotional IQ of course). But the personality disordered builder I've had in my house became so, so, dull. When you've heard one story you've heard them all. I was talking about him with my old friend that also knows him, we're like "he's so thick isn't he? How can anyone be around him and live with him? Nothing to talk about at all". Strange thing is, his wife is lovely, just beaten down. He constantly gets women but I've noticed they are either very young, or having a hard time. I think some of them come across as superficially interesting as when they think they are getting a reaction (e.g someone finds them funny, charming), they light-up.

#19 Jan 16 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

itreallyisabouthim

time_to_move_on

Oh my gosh you NAILED myh stbx NH!!!!!! I fell in love with the "lit up" part - the part he showed when he felt like I was falling for it. That NEVER really occurred to me!!! He was magnanimous and charming and larger than life, even giggly at times in a cute way. I thought he was so innocent and sweet in the things he did NOT know about. Fast forward a year or so...we are living together and I am staring at the side of his head as he falls asleep while eating, his belly hanging out of his board shorts, slumped in the couch at 6pm...the baby is crying and whining for me and he is just tuned OUT. And that was a good night. He just checked out. He had nothing to say. He was "off" when home and loved to get out with his friends probably so he could be "on" again - that is, when he could be around people who still bought the act. But even when I was around him when he was "on" - playing it up for others - I was so bored by him. He had spent his entire life as an emotional gigolo. His whole purpose in life, his entire focus, was to ingratiate himself to others. To flatter them, to make them feel good, so that they thought highly of him. This left NO room for personal development. He ignored anything other than this task. He is not at all bright and has ZERO critical thinking skills. So if I tried to talk to him about something going on in the world, or work out an issue using him as a sounding board, I just ended up exasperated. His thoughts were just all over the place, not connected in any meaningful way. But usually he didn't give any feedback at all. He would look at me in a sleepy way like "how do you get this thing to shut up so I can get back to thinking about myself?" I just gave up. I've never been as lonely as I have been with him.

#20 Jan 16 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

4joys4

They just know how to get

They just know how to get all your chemicals whirling around. It throws you off what they are really up to. Which is to ultimately destroy you.

#21 Jan 16 - 9PM (Reply to #10)

itreallyisabouthim

Yup, I agree about the

Yup, I agree about the "clicking" thing being a lie and a red flag, really. There's a reason it's harder to cultivate friendships with "normal" people... because it's worth it! I find nearly everyone else to be a breath of fresh air at the moment. Anyone who can string together two thoughts that connect logically. So maybe while you're struggling with this, try to be encouraged that by doing something differently you're bound to end up in a different place - which is good, right?

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