Anyone else worry they're too dependent on this board??

You will find that as you heal you probably not need the board as much as you do now and when you heal form all this which you will as i am living proof (i thought i was a hopeless case )you will want to stay around to help the newbies as we are doing :) My goodness in the first few months of recovory all i did was sit on this board , i would cry and read and laugh and cry and read some more all with the amazing women we have here ... its saved my life . xxx

I fully realized how fragile and depleted I was (yeah past tense!) and just was grateful to know there was a place to go any time of the day. I noticed that after a month I still very much need it but no longer am desperately leaning on it (hope it stays that way). This is serious stuff and i admit I need help anyway i can get it. I had no idea I was so screwed up! I was too busy trying to make the N give me what he did not want or have to give. I guess i was like a dog chasing its tail. so as tough as this is, both heart broken and dealing with addiction codependency, it beats being lost in the mess of it. This has been the worst recovery from a break up that I could ever imagine. I used to joke to my friends that my N drove me crazy with his with holding ways and poor communication - little did I know he was really driving me CRAZY and would leave me for road kill too. I really felt SAFE with my very nonviolent EX N. So the board is a blessing and though I thought i leaned too hard, I realize that it is healthy and not something to fear. I am learning a ton. And even at my lowest, I was able to see that not everyone on this board is helpful. At first, the less helpful folks on here triggered my PTSD but i am stronger now and can just weed through what I find helpful. We are shell shocked victims upon arrival - the board is my anchor and hope - a place where I can grow and fail sometimes without judgement. I love the board and do not think i will get addicted to the help. I am a proud person who wants to be well asap

this board has been my life saver, yes i remember a time that i thought oh i have swapped one addiction for another, only this addiction was good for me it kept me safe, sane and most of all educated, i was in a realy terrible place when i first came here, i was constantly thinking of suicide, i argued with my self as if there was2 of me, saying things like,how the f..k could you have put up with such shit, how could you listen to him going on about his exs and all women so graphiclly, what was i thinking, he taught me more about sick, debased human beigns than i ever knew in my whole life,and i hadnt had a sheltered life, far from it, but one thing i did learn for all myexnH was an abusive violent bully,one thing he wasent with me was sexually there was never ever anything untoward with me, for that i am grateful, but exnarc omg,to call him an animal is an insult to an animal, they cant speak they dont know any better, that scumbag does. SO AGAIN I THANK LISA VERY MUCH AND THE MEMBERS ON THIS BOARD I WOULDNT BE AROUND TODAY IF IT WASENT FOR THIS,ANOTHER THING IF I AM GOING OUT AND HE WILL PROBLEY BE AROUND AND I FEEL A BIT VULNERABLE, I HAVE A QUICK LOOK AT POSTS OR STORIES BEFORE I GO OUT, AND THAT KEEPS ME NC, LIKE IT DID TODAY, LOVE TO YOU LISAXXXX

Great question! Glad you posed it. Research tells us that a direct result of being in an emotionally abusive relationship is obsessive and intrusive thoughts we cannot stop and feel we have no control over. We are consumed with thoughts of our Narc and we don't know what to do with these thoughts. I know a lot about obsessive-compulsive behavior because I've had OCD my whole life, but many of you have never experienced it before and it's scary. I created this messageboard to help you understand why you're obsessing and to help you stop obsessing. Research tells us that making sense of the trauma we experienced is critical before we can move on and stop obsessing. Unresolved emotional pain is toxic. What we now know is that unresolved emotional trauma floods our bodies with hormones, which leave our immune systems weak and vulnerable to attack. People tell us to just move on and expect us to get over it, but we can't until we fully process how we feel about it, share our story with others who can relate, and organize our thoughts in such a way that we feel we have made sense of the situation. As StayingStrong said, this forum is like a journal. Writing is extremely cathartic and helps us make sense of things. The key is to find an outlet in which we can express our feelings and share our story. For some, this may include talking to family members or friends, sharing on our on-line forum, journaling or creating art or music. Whatever it is, it is critical that you find an outlet to express yourself in a way that helps you release your emotions and put things in perspective. We Gotta Get It Out! In my opinion, it is the only way to put things to rest in your mind. A Narcissist will never give us closure, but we can help ourselves get closure by making sure we process our feelings. Why is this step so critical? Research tells us the main reason for the stress of psychological trauma is that our memories of these horrible events are fragmented. Psychologically traumatic events are ones that have no good explanation. You have painful facts that make no sense, right? Our natural tendency is to avoid thinking about painful memories or events. We suppress them and hope they will go away. But, they don't. If you don’t process them, deal with them and get them out, they will never go away. This is because the mind is most settled when there is coherence to our thoughts. The only way to resolve conflicting thoughts is by remembering them, processing them and making sense of them. One way of doing this is by sharing our story with others. Sharing our story with people who understand is extremely healing and cathartic. It validates our experience and reassures us that we are not alone in our struggle. Telling your story allows you to link together your emotional memories, which makes the traumatic events more coherent. It makes memories of these events less likely to be repeatedly called to mind so they can be laid to rest. This stage is imperative before you can move on. Essentially, what I'm trying to say is that I created this forum for you to lean on during this difficult time. Relying on this forum is much better than going back to the Narc or resorting to other methods of numbing out your pain. One of the main reasons we obsess is because we don't want to feel our feelings! Please remember when you are stuck in an obsessive-compulsive cycle of thought, you are trying to avoid having to feel. By distracting yourself with mind rituals, you can easily forget all about the emotions trying to surface inside you. Think about it, if you are engaged in obsessive thought and consumed with your mind, who has time to feel? Identifying with your mind allows you to avoid having to feel. If you find yourself obsessing, I challenge you to ask yourself this question: "What feeling am I trying to avoid right now?" I guarantee you will find that there is a very strong emotion you are avoiding. We have to stop being afraid to feel our feelings. We must learn not to elude our feelings with methods of distraction. Processing our emotions and allowing ourselves to feel our emotions is critical before we can move on. I created this messageboard for us to help each other do these things in a safe environment. We enage in obsessive thinking so we can avoid confronting the painful reality of our situation. We use the recurring thoughts to distract ourselves from what we really need to confront and process – our feelings! Coming to this forum and sharing your thoughts is an active part of recovery. You are being brave and should be proud of your willingness to confront your situation and deal with the feelings you are experiencing. Too often, people choose to run from their feelings. Running away is like preferring death to life. We may be in the dark right now, but from darkness comes light. If we commit ourselves to feeling our emotions and staying right where we are, our experience becomes vivid. Things become very clear when we don't try to escape or run from them. The fact that you are here shows that you honor your feelings and respect yourself to do the hard work it takes to get through this painful experience in your life. We must confront our pain. Look it right in the eye. In my opinion, it is the only way to undo negative patterns of thinking. If we face something head on, we no longer play mind games with ourselves to avoid it. When we face pain and fear, we will be humbled. There will be little room for the arrogance of holding onto ideals or lying to ourselves as a method of escaping reality. The kinds of discoveries that are made in painful situations have much to do with having the courage to feel. When we stop and feel our feelings, we encounter our true being. We are more in touch with ourselves than ever before. This is what Buddhists call Mindfulness. Clarity provides direction. We must never fear the reality of our situation, no matter how overwhelming it may seem. Everything in life teaches us something. Being here is proof that you are willing to learn from your experience instead of choosing to run from it. Kauaigirl - Instead of questioning if you're leaning on this board too much, I think you should commend yourself for being brave enough to be here! You are now on the Path Forward! xoxo

But if I didn't have this right now, I don't know what I'd be doing regarding HIM. I liken it to Methadone over Heroin at this point. Even though I find it's a new obsession that's still all about him, it's helping me sort out all of the SHIT I lived through over the past year because of him without private therapy. And you know how they say when you give up a bad habit, you need to replace it with a new, better one? Well, this is it for now. And this is pretty much how I deal with most of the problems in my life. When something ugly presents itself, I research the hell out of it and read as much as I can to understand it and deal with it. And then there's having someone to vent to. I can't keep talking to my friends who have been very understanding about all of this or they will eventually not be my friends anymore. I mean, they put up with the up and down, back and forth drama while it was going on and were tired of it months ago. So to spare them my need to talk about it, I'm grateful I found this board.

I definately thought that at one point....I was ready to leave the board all together, actually. But ya know what? I can look back on here and read my posts from over a year ago.....and right there in writing, I see, just how far I have come. And for me, a very large part of that progress is HAVING this board in the first place. I think if you are coming here and NOT making progress ie) after months you aren't moving forward in the steps....then, I would say coming here isn't serving your best interset....that wasn;t the case for me, or for many here though. It's a great question you pose though....and I commend you for asking it. In answer to your question though, NO...coming here is not being TOO dependant. You need all the support and validation you can get, especially in these early stages of recovery. There is absolutely NO shame in needing that support and validation right now. NONE at all. If you find though, it isn't helping you and you aren't making progress, then yeah, it's time to move away from the board and find something that does help you progress. Whatever works! xoxo

Better her than acting crazy with these narc. Idealk

I have been on this board everyday for the most part...it's been since late September for me? In the early stages, I was on here 24/7 it was my lifeline, it was my comfort, it was my company when I could not leave my house. I was desperate, in shock and in trauma. Then I started to come around a bit...there were times when I felt it was too much of issues Narc...I felt saturated, overloaded, overdosed! I took some time away, a day here, a day there. But that was a lie, I just did not want to interact, so I read without signing on... Then I'd get back on when I felt I aired out some...then I had a different perspective. It is ups and downs. You set the pace, you know what you need. As per "leaning" that is the whole purpose of support. You have peers here going through the same thing. We have members across the continent who are on a whole different time schedule...I think it's pretty fair to say at any given hour of the day somebody is online. As you recover, your may find you don't need to be on as much...our needs fluctuate as well...we might feel good for a time then all of a sudden things start surfacing and you get back on. Everyone is different...but to claify...the support forum is a tool to aid in recovery, and the purpose of it is to lean on one another for support. Use it at your pace. Hugs!

I think it depends a lot on where you are in the post break-up phase. I think this would have been very good for me in the beginning, I didn't find it until about a year after. I was fortunate to have friends, family and a good therapist, but this board would have been great. I enjoy looking at this every evening usually and its a year out of a 2.4 year relationship. I'm hoping by 18 months I'll be completely recovered. I think it is important to make a conscience effort to build your life back. I am fortunate to have a good job and can make some plans, I just joined a golf league and will be taking lessons with a pro shortly, I've played before I met the N and gave it up after I met him, dummy I was. Anyway, I think the board is fine in moderation, mixed with effort to get out and make new friends and do things you enjoy!! So what plans does everyone have for this summer???