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Is anyone else out there still having a hard time getting over a N after a year or more?

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#1 Sep 1 - 8PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Is anyone else out there still having a hard time getting over a N after a year or more?

Hello to everyone, was just curious to know if others are still struggling, like myself, in coming to terms with the Ex N in their lives and trying to get over him, after he has devalued and discarded you...for me it has been a little over a year and a half, and while i feel better than last summer when I was in the throngs of grief and crying, still feel the scars and wonder if they will every heal, almost like scabs from say chickenpox when you were a kid and it took some time for those to go away! I remember last spring after he moved out of state and I sent him a cute card, saying I was grieving over the loss of him and us and he sent me back a hateful,spiteful letter saying grieving BS, i just went on the internet looking for someone else, true example of his horrible self loathing....As others have said before me, this is the toughest ordeal i have ever faced and I keep reminding myself what life would really be like living with him, for me I think I would have walked away a bag lady with little or no sanity left, he was such a controlling Jeckyl and Hyde type of personality, full of anger,rage and a mix of fear within him, always down and depressed, never happy or a smile on his face.He hjad such serous issues with women, starting with his mother who wanted a little girl, having had a boy.and he said he reconciled that issue but I think not.

Sep 1 - 10PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I did find love again BUT...

I never truly got over him. I dont think you ever do. These people hurt you so deeply no one can even imagine. I think its because everything is so extreme with them the love in the beginning and the hate in the end. Its all so very extreme. So the wounds are deep.You will go on with your life. You will meet someone. I began to think of him only on rare occassions. 15 years passed then FB and it all came rushing back. Because you never get closure, I dont think you ever get over them completely but you do go on. They never really go on. They exist trying to find what we normals have found "love"
Sep 1 - 9PM
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Yes, it is an ongoing struggle

I am also still trying to get over it all, less than a year later. I'm tired of thinking about him, but then something triggers a bad spell. Unfortunately we work together, and he is in my face trying to make nice now. Had to watch him with the Other Woman for a while and now suspect there are others as well. It is hard to be detached but I am getting better. He is truly a piece of work, and the manipulation continues.
Sep 1 - 9PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

onwithmylife....hi is aceonelady

Hi,yes i got devalued and discarded 2 years ago(please read my story)and i see now and accept that i will never come to terms with that ....me too i tried contact him ,broke NC ,i tried to make him understand i know is over but why has to end with you always cursing me,hateful words,and not treat me like a human being and leaving me for road kill?Mine too had issues with his mother....Has issues with women too,even told me that his sister said to him that he has a women's body and a butt like J-lo....One day before i met in person he told me he used to be a woman....Ilaughed about it and told him,well,then that makes me a lesbian....I really don't know about these guys ...mine i see now is truly disordered,i can see clearly now that i have been trough a lot of crazy conversations with him after he discarded me....he told me he was gay,then he says he only said that to keep me away from him....he told me if he was an animal he would bite me ...that if he saw me on the street he woudn't even look at mebecause he only like women with real nice asses...to fuck me he has to think about something else...that i am an ugly bitch and the next day tells me i am a very nice looking woman for my age...(i am 54 but really look 40)and no wonder that cab drivers charge me so little because of the way i look...me too went online half year later,i was looking for somebody else to see what if he said about me being not sexual attractive....Mine too has depressions issues,anger,and i felt he hated when i was happy,even on the phone with my neighbor in Holland,he would say,see when you are talking with somebody else i can see you shinning and smiling ,laughing,and you cannot be like that you me,you dont like the way iam..but iam like that only with you,i dont treat other people the way i treat you...i dont like you....i am still devasted after 2 years...but now i am going to the gym 6 times a week,i am taking good care of me...on the outside i am ok but inside....

Aceonelady

Sep 2 - 2AM (Reply to #2)
alma25
alma25's picture

one year and one month

and like in some cases here he's in my life since I was 15 and from time to time he is still trying to come back or just hurt me.Many years.A huge part of my life. My therapist said that he thinks he owns me,in his head I belong to him so he won't leave me alone easily.I've got many scars, wounds, bruises inside me.What I've learned is to accept. Accept the fact that he is who he is, that unfortunately he is the part of my life and my personal history. I can't change the past, I can't make the scars disappear but I will never let him hurt me again. Never. That's what I can do.My past is his in some part but my future is mine. Now I've got knowledge and that's the most important. Maybe it's not the best comparison but it's ike living with disease. When you know what it is and you know what you have to do not to let it come back again you just do it. You accept the fact that it's somewhere deep inside and you can't do some things because it can come back.If I didn't know what I know maybe one day I would come back to him, I would let him destroy a part of my life one more time. But now I know, somehow I'm lucky:)
Sep 2 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

alma

what wonderful words of wisdom. Accept the fact that he is who he is, that unfortunately he is the part of my life and my personal history. I can't change the past, I can't make the scars disappear but I will never let him hurt me again. Never. That's what I can do.My past is his in some part but my future is mine. I think this would be great for Lisa to put in her book. I may have to move back to the state and city he lives in because it's where my daughter is and the thought makes me sick to my stomach. I will not let my feelings for him keep me from her but the thought of even being anywhere near him makes me shudder. I want nothing to do w/him but I'm sure if I make this move he will tell people it was I couldn't stay away from him. He can think what he wants but when I don't give him the time of day he'll realize I am done with him and he will never be a part of my life in anyway again! thank you for this post. It's what I needed to read this morning.
Sep 2 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
alma25
alma25's picture

faithinthefuture

I'm really glad if something that I wrote helped you a little bit. I come here very often when I just have a bad day and read something that one of you wrote and it's better. I feel understood. I'm NC over a year but for a very log time I couldn't deal with all that stuff. He was writting to me, pushing my buttons,I wasn't responding .But eventually he found something that I wrote about him and all the hurt I've felt. He was satisfied, he let me know he read it. It was cruel. I felt like he one more time take all my feelings and throw them into the trash bin. I was very furious that he knew how painful it was still for me, how many scars he caused, how much time I needed to recover. I was furious because I didn't want him to know that I was still suffering. I blocked him everywhere I could, I don't let even one small piece of information about me to get to him.I tried to avoid the places where he could be, people who he could know and then I stopped and I realised one thing:he plays his game, he can do it as long as he wants but I don't have to play it with him. No matter what kind of game it is, I'm not the second player.Maybe I was but I'm not anymore. Sorry,don't like gambling. Game over. Doesn't matter that you'll live in the same city. You're a very strong, wise woman who doesn't play with little, selfish boys.You're better than that.You've already lost too much now it's time for winning. Hugs, A.
Sep 2 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

thanks for the comments everyone

It does help to know i am not the only soul who is having such a hard time getting over this N man and I consider myself a pretty strong woman, mentally and emotionally, it is like they pull the rug right from under your feet, because we had discussed moving to another state together and before i knew it he had moved and did not even try to get his belongings I was storing for him last spring When i wrote him about trying to meet to give him back his stuff, he replied, its over, let me go, because being such a control freak, when he said it is over, well golly gee, then it must be! Everything was always on HIS terms. I went to a wonderful counselor last spring who said he did not have the emotional maturity to meet me again to get his belongings. T o this day after 5 failed relationships, it was the women who did him wrong!!!As everyone said you just go on but the scars do last a lifetime.................