Anybody's Narc a cross dresser or other strange sexual interests.....

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#1 Nov 25 - 1PM

StillHurting

Anybody's Narc a cross dresser or other strange sexual interests.....

Have all of you had a narc with a porn or masturbation addiction or daily habit? What about cross dressing?

This is something I noticed way early on, but I didn't think too much of it, but the real sex didn't seem to do much for him. He liked it and wanted it, bu at times it was almost like he got so used to just watching porn and doing the "one handed mambo" that there seemed to be so much distance in the real sexual acts. FREAKY!

#2 Nov 27 - 5PM

Susan32

The REAL sexual deviancy...

It is NOT a technique. It is NOT a paraphilia. It IS treating people like objects. It IS treating people with disrespect, degradation and humiliation. It IS self-gratification without thought for one's partner. Some men are into oral and anal... but if they're treating their partners disrespectfully and like blow up dolls, THEN they are being truly deviant in the worst and inhuman way. When your partner doesn't listen to you or respect you, that's sexually deviant. Leo Tolstoy engaged in normal, vanilla sex with his wife Sofia, fathering 16 kids with her (3 died very young).... but it was to violate her. He used sex as a weapon. He forced himself on her on their wedding night; he forced her when she was unwilling; he withheld when she was desiring. THAT is deviant.

#3 Nov 27 - 11AM

victimnomore

YES!

Yes, my NH use to enjoy sex by himself more than sex with me. I also got the feeling that he was a homosexual but could never, ever come out. He use to want to do all kinds of deviant sexual stuff. Near the end of the relationship it became scary and I became more uncomfortable with his requests and that was one of the reasons I knew I had to get out. Sexually he was out of control!

victimnomore

#4 Nov 27 - 10AM

FruitIsDelicious

Sex was our #1 most fought over issue

Mine was a huge sulking pouting baby over it. ALL.THE.TIME. It was such a turn off. Ugh. We went from a brief period of normal to me having a total aversion to him. Things started to go downhill early when he first began to devalue me. I just could not want sex when I felt disrepected. This would lead to the same circular argument: Me: you treat me badly/hurt my feelings and it makes me not want to want sex with you. Him: if you'd have sex with me more and I'd be nicer to you and treat you better! Me: That's not the way it works! Him: Why not? WTF Of course, on a few occasions I'd "suck it up" and go along. And he would be nice. For the rest of the day or maybe a couple hours. When we would have sex, afterword he'd snipe about it being ok, but now he was depressed b/c who knows when he'll get it again. Also early on I realized he was a daily+ masturabator. He blamed this on me of course b/c of how infrequently he got laid. He'd sabotage efforts to have sex with me. Come home in bad mood/aching this/sore that/crappy day whatever. He'd lay on the couch and sulk and pout and barely speak to me until eventually we'd finally get in a fight b/c NOW he's mad b/c I didn't immediately initiate sex to cheer him up. All that time leading up to the fight, I'd try so hard to find out how to make him feel better. A lot of my egg shell walking was over sex. It was like, I didn't want sex with him unless I felt good about it. To do that, I had to put HIM in a good mood. So I'd run around like crazy, putting out the fires, cooking a great meal, cleaning the house, etc. Hope for him to be in a good mood, so I could be in a good mood, so he could get laid and continue said good mood. What a hamster wheel. Other times we'd be having a great evening (I thought) and I'd start to think it was gonna happen and suddenly he's in a bad mood again b/c now I "made him wait too long". Sometimes, I'd start coming on to him and he'd be distant. When I'd be totally confused, disappointed and want to know why he was rejecting me when he claimed to want sex so much. He'd say b/c I do it to him and he wantdc me to know how it felt to get turned down. To punish me and make me crazy. A few years back the Great Anal Obsession began. I eventually found thousands of images (and several viruses) on our computer. Found his small stash of videos which were all anal themed. Lot's a gang-bang ype stuff. And the constant pressure to let him thru the back door. It got to the point where every single time we had sex he was "oops-ing" me in the butt dozens of times. Or aggravatingly whining to me to "just try it! just once!". This lead to ED. He couldn't finish unless he was whacking it to the sight of my ass. Finally, he could barely keep a hard on at all. I stopped having sex with him at all April this year. The last two years before that it would be every 3-6 weeks.I'd finally had enough when it started getting really uncomfortable. He'd try to cover my mouth or put his hand on my throat or choke hold me from behind. Generally, this would lead to me pushing his hand/arm away, he'd soon go soft and then be frustrated with ME. Ugh. Lot's more I could and would love to unload about this topic but blah, I gotta quit for now. If there's a bright side to this it's that whenever I think about his "good" qualities, or start to feel sorry for him, my memories of our awful sexual encounters keep me firmly planted in No effing Way territory.

#5 Nov 26 - 6PM

jelizabeth

You bet

Mine played out the classic definition of Narcissism in his sexuality. He liked to play with boundaries - or a lack thereof. He liked to play with B&D ... and role-playing ... he loved playing was brother/sister, both because it is archetypically naughty, and as a way to be making love to his female analog (i.e., HIMSELF). I think he liked bondage a lot because his narcissism was a result of having no control in an abusive situation when he was a toddler/young child, and then when he suffered an injury in early teen years that almost left him paraplegic. He liked to be submissive sometimes, but mainly dominant (shock). And actually, we rarely DID any bondage (three or four times in two and a half years?), he just got VERY turned on by talking about it, and having gear around, and (on his own) looking at images of girls being bound (but not being hurt). He NEVER hurt me, or made me feel objectified in an ugly way. Somehow, he really managed to make me feel as if I was his partner in acting out the fantasies, and he always wanted me to have pleasure. It just ... didn't interest me much, in the abstract. I'm not really turned on by being bound, or controlling someone else. It didn't turn me off, it just didn't turn me on, so it was at times an annoying distraction. As I say, I think the main drive of his sexuality was to feel connected (and extended) by sex, and to be honest, that kind of worked for me, even if it wasn't healthy for him. I've never had so much eye contact, which I loved -- with my exH, I hated it, because I hated making love to him, so I didn't want to engage that way. But I loved the N so much, I adored that visual interaction. He also wanted to kiss a lot during ... just really interface. Which meant, too, that he didn't care for oral that much; he wanted to be body-to-body, and inside. Again, wanted few boundaries. Actually, can I say that describing this makes me feel a little compassion for him? He was rotten to me, and I'm not tempted to go back for more of the rottenness, but I do feel for the hurt child within him. Again, no delusion that can be fixed, but just acknowledging. It's the one thing I miss without reservation. Thank GOD we're 1200 miles apart, or I'd never get rid of him, no matter how he made me feel, emotionally. ;-) Oh, and just for the record, he did have other fetishes, too. Nothing remotely scary or gross. He was especially into rubber ... that is, latex. He liked the smell, feel (to the touch, and feeling how it encased him/me), and taste. Fine by me -- do you have any idea how good a girl looks all sucked into a rubber dress or top? That's not why HE liked it - it was nothing to do with making a woman look "better." But it certainly made me less inhibited not to feel so exposed ;-) And it wasn't all the time, by any means. Even if it had been, again, he had a way of it clearly being about ME in rubber, not just me as a generic vehicle, which I can understand (from experience) some guys can make you feel about sex, and is a ROTTEN experience. Once I found a note from his ex, the one with whom he had an ongoing (non-sexual) relationship that tortured me - from back when they were dating. She mentioned that she didn't want to always wear ___, or play ___, she wanted to be Stella (name made up), she wanted to feel that it was HER he was with. I couldn't relate AT ALL. No matter how he and I were together, I felt his presence and intention to be with me. I mean, okay, he WAS using me in his way, to mirror himself, but he always made me feel acknowledged, and good. I know that he did objectify her much more, and subjected her to a LOT more of the gear, and I would guess it's because the base chemistry wasn't there for them and well, I think he sort of relied on that to "get there" with her. Anyway, it ruined their sex life eventually, and for the last two years they were together, I think they did it about three times. She simply could not respond to him sexually, and despite me making him sound like a sex fiend, he was happy to just be physical with her in other ways -affectionately. Sort of sad for them both, though, if you ask me, and I think they'll be healthier/happier with other partners they can be sexual with. Anyway, I just started out to tell all this because I found it interesting that through sex, much of his fantasy and preferences exhibited such a literal translation of the fundamental Narcissistic dream: to do it with yourself! Then again ... we all sort of seek a loss of boundaries with the Other, at that time. So who knows.

#6 Nov 26 - 7PM (Reply to #21)

jelizabeth

I should

I should say that he ABSOLUTELY had to masturbate everyday, and that yes, he did have fantasies involving men (being totally dominated by one) that I know he had played out at least once, ten years ago, which I attribute to his early (non-sexual) abuse at the hands of his brother and father. But if you want to know the truth, I think that a huge percentage of educated men who are remotely sexual DO have homosexual fantasies. Would it be more likely with a Narc? Maybe, if, again, it can be thought of in terms of having sex with yourself. But I am not sure that's what it's about. I think it's more universal than our culture admits.

#7 Nov 26 - 7PM (Reply to #22)

gettinbetter

Huge difference though

Huge difference though between having fantasies and acting upon them. It is believed that many narcs are latent homosexuals

#8 Nov 26 - 8PM (Reply to #30)

onwithmylife

sick of it

My EXN hated homosexuals so badly I thought he might be a latent gay himself

#9 Nov 26 - 8PM (Reply to #32)

Leah

Onwithmylife, my ex-N was uncomfortable w/ gays as well

Since he & I were long distance, there were several major phone conversations about homosexuality. I let him know that I have a lot of gay friends and a gay cousin. He was kind of uncomfortable with the chats we had. He was Catholic and quoted church doctrine to me. When I asked him how HE felt about it, he admitted that when he was a kid in the boy scouts, all the boys feared gay men. He also revealed that his church's priest made an advance towards him when he was young. He seemed to be equating pedophilia with homosexuality. (!) I tried to clear that up for him, but he reluctantly admitted that he was still somewhat uncomfortable around 'flaming' homosexuals. To me, my ex-N seemed to be really traumatized by the priest-making-advances incident...it left a mark on him. And he also sometimes exhibited some effeminate mannerisms that in the beginning of our relationship set off my 'gay-dar'. I did wonder if he had repressed homosexual desires or might have been latently gay. -Leah I'll never know. A mystery.

#10 Nov 26 - 8PM (Reply to #31)

Susan32

Same here...

The ex-Psych professor despised LGBT people with a vengeance. An utter, poisonous hatred. He resented that I had openly gay friends. In Euripides' "Bacchae", the god Dionysus tells his arrogant cousin Pentheus to dress up like a woman so he can spy on the Maeneads. He says "you will go on a journey like none other".... It ends disastrously for Pentheus, because of his narcissism and his sadism. Pentheus had tried to destroy the happiness of Dionysus and his followers, and had tortured them for his pleasure. Like Dionysus, there were times I wanted to tell the ex-P to go dress like a woman, enjoying an adventure like none other...

#11 Nov 26 - 8PM (Reply to #23)

jelizabeth

Do you think

Do you think that has to do with the HOMOsexuality, as in, wanting to mesh with the SAME kind of person, i.e. the self? Otherwise ... well, I know that many (but NOT all) of the fully identifying gay people I've known over the years are gay because of formative experiences when they were very young. That's not to say that it was a conscious choice in response, or that it isn't utterly ingrained in them, but that it was a very deep-seated reaction to a situation ... just like many sexual preferences (for everyone), for things as simple as hair-color and as complex as material fetishes, are a result of early experiences. Since narcissists are the way they are because of traumas in their formative years, I guess it's not surprising that a fair amount of them would have sexual components to their trauma adaptations. Whether that means disavowing the gender of the parent or other figure who abused/neglected them, or seeking to be sexually desired by that gender ... I don't know, I can see it going either way. ALSO, I think someone can be fundamentally heterosexual, and yet want to have sex with the same gender, and that doesn't even make them bisexual, much less homosexual. I think if you're a really sexual person, you're liable to be aroused by many things, without necessarily wanting to make a habit out of it, or a lifestyle (i.e. be bisexual). And I definitely believe that the reason it's only in fantasy for most men, is that there's not really a good/easy way to act on those fantasies, without being branded a bisexual, or a homosexual, or having to find the opportunity in a rather seedy way.

#12 Nov 26 - 8PM (Reply to #24)

gettinbetter

There are thoughts out there

There are thoughts out there that many homosexuals are narcissists. Don't know if you have read any of sam vaknins stuff but he alludes to it as well. Also if you google sexual deviancy in narcissists there is plenty written

#13 Nov 27 - 8AM (Reply to #25)

jelizabeth

Huh

Being homosexual isn't considered by mainstream psychologists or psychological researchers to be typically correlated with being on the sociopathic spectrum. Nor is homosexuality thought of in that community as a pathological sexual deviancy, the way that pedophilia, or bestiality, or hypersexuality is. And I guess this could get me into trouble around here, but as for Sam Vaknin ... take everything he says with a grain of salt. While his words are comforting for us in the same way that we get comfort here from reading stories similar to our own, suggesting that he is an "expert" on narcissists because he is one is like saying any of us is an expert on all women because we are women. That he is a narcissist and has taken a great deal of time to read about it and then write down his observations, does not actually make him a reliable source. He is not a scientist. He has done no research or practice in the field of psychology. ALL his education is from online schools (his Ph.D. in philosophy, a credential he loves to add to the end of his name at all times, comes from Pacific Western, which is equivalent to DeVry or Phoenix or Kaplan - all online schools that do not offer a particularly rigorous education. The fact that they brag about being "accredited" means zero, because they are not accredited by the same entities that accredit established, brick-and-mortar institutions of higher learning. Most regular universities do not accept credits from schools like Pacific Western for transfer, and that should say it all. His psychology and financial analyst education are from Brainbench, which is as serious an education as going down to your local rec center for a series of Saturday classes.) His book is self-published. He is also a narcissist, and has created a HUGE following of supply, who constantly tell him how wonderful and amazing he is. So ... he is getting narcisstic supply for BEING a narcissist ... pretty brilliant, actually. Just saying, he is fascinating, well-spoken, and his words resonate, but none of his opinions about anything psychological can be safely considered authoritative.

#14 Nov 27 - 9AM (Reply to #29)

blueeyes

Jelizabeth

I do not always agree or understand Sam Vaknin. I can for the most part relate to his work. He is interesting and brilliant. He made a living out of his disorder and has an understanding of this disorder. The brilliance is he was able to monopolize on that. Good for him. He is not for everyone. As for my recovery from PDI's abuse, I find people who survived it have a better understanding of what we are feeling than some PHD professionals. This is a broad topic with many variables. It's also a personal choice in what works for you at what stage of greif.

#15 Nov 27 - 8AM (Reply to #26)

gettinbetter

no

I'm not suggesting that all homosexuals are narcissists I just read that it is has been suggested that narcissism is common amongst homosexuals. It was suggested that homosexuality can occur as a result of childhood trauma just as narcissism does. I can't remember the entire context of the article though. If I can find I will post when I googled sexual deviancy that's where I found it I'm not trying to offend in any way just something I read. You are new here and the last thing I want to do is offend you in anyway. As far as Sam Vaknin stuff he is a total a hole narc but for me I believe his info to be true. Narcs will tell the truth if gives them supply. I think in his case he speaks the truth and he gets plenty of supply from it. He sits back and watches us all listen and read his stuff wide eyed. You will find lots of differing opinions here. I am learning to embrace it. Anyway hope you didn't take offense

#16 Nov 27 - 11AM (Reply to #27)

jelizabeth

Not at all!

Oh, no offense at all! And I don't mean Sam's not a VERY valuable resource ... hey, I've watched all his youtube videos many times each, and have scoured his site ... if nothing else, hearing him confirm that certain things are rather typical is comforting, like reading all of you tell about incidents and tendencies you've noticed, that I also experienced ... definitely makes one feel more sane, doesn't it? I just meant, I wouldn't take anything he had to say as THE authoritative word on Narcs, and sure wouldn't believe too much he has to say on various correlations, unless I saw study citations by professional scholars. I believe wholeheartedly in self-education, and the man IS brilliant and IS articulate, but we don't actually how much of what he is saying is opinion, and how much is evidence-based. When it comes to earning the reputation of an expert I really do think there's something to having a solid education, and being licensed by a reputable professional organization, (possibly) associated with an institution of higher learning. I don't discredit his observations about narcissism, I just wouldn't consider him the absolute authority.

#17 Nov 27 - 11AM (Reply to #28)

MsVulcan500

Sam Vaknin

I totally agree, jelizabeth. I also have read quite a bit of his stuff, and it sort of validates other things I have read, getting it from a narc himself. However, if he says something that I haven't seen before, I am also skeptical about the truth in it.

#18 Nov 26 - 5PM

Susan32

Closet case

My ex-Narc boss was honest and open about being gay, having an older boyfriend in a neighboring city. They basically had an LDR, with the ex-N occasionally working at his boyfriend/father figure's antique store, and they went to China together. The ex-N boss was HONEST about his orientation. He didn't play at being straight. He wanted to be in the SF Pride Parade; he catered for a lesbian wedding. He never feigned romantic interest in me. The ex-Psychopath professor would angrily say "I'm NOT GAY! I'm NORMAL!" yet he said that if I got pregnant with his kids, he'd be fed up with me (because the narc Prince Andrei does that to his pregnant wife in "War and Peace") The ex-P always got a sparkle in his eyes in the presence of males, especially if they were taller than him. The lab assistant my freshman year felt uncomfortable in the ex-P's presence. The ex-P had a circle of young male disciples, warning them against the dangers of overly emotional women (he used me as an example) The ex-P wanted me to be his clone... he couldn't bear seeing me in dresses. Even if they were modest. The OW was his clone, from the crew cut to the manly attire. The ex-P lacked the honesty and respect to be open about his orientation. He was extremely homophobic and nasty about gays. He resented my gay friends as "freaks." Yet he found the subject of homosexuality immensely fascinating, and he had effeminate mannerisms/way of speaking. He had an obvious lisp. He was the subject of numerous masturbation jokes... and he admitted to me that he'd want a sexless marriage, with plenty of masturbation for himself. I don't think he'd be into porn and prostitutes, or internet sex... because it would involve OTHER PEOPLE. He wouldn't subscribe to Playboy or Playgirl... he'd prefer a mirror.

#19 Nov 26 - 5PM

Leah

My ex-N was strange in the sexuality dept.

BTW, he was 43 years old. - He had effeminate mannerisms & posture that made me uncomfortable in the beginning, but I eventually got used to them. Or did I just ignore them... - He had *major* erectile dysfunction (claimed since mid/late thirties). - He was rather un-endowed. And made self-deprecating 'jokes' about it frequently...to make himself less uncomfortable about it. - He couldn't wear a condom. The minute one went on, he lost his erection. He had herpes. I'll be tested in a few months (IgG test) to see if I caught it. - His tubes were tied...he did it at the request of his then ex-wife 10+ years ago (who sounds like a narc), right around the time she was cheating on him. - About 4-6 weeks after we met online and brought up sex, he said he liked to be dominant, and asked me if I liked to be spanked...and if I wore high heels. - The few times we had sex, he had time-tested 'scripts for having sex with a man with a small penis.' I'm not kidding. He had to decide what position, what act & when. He most preferred me on top, which I found odd...since it's not a good position for sex with the un-endowed man. I once suggested a creative position, and he turned it down because he couldn't 'get enough leverage' or something. - He used giving me oral sex as a way to keep up his erection. If I interrupted his attempt or wanted something else he got annoyed, because he'd lose his erection. - He was domineering during sex and I felt used & violated. He had a strange voice and wanted to be in control. He had no emotional involvement; barely kissed, embraced or caressed.

#20 Nov 26 - 7PM (Reply to #18)

StillHurting

Some of this sounds familiar

My narc was pretty normal in the beginning, but they way he is now, at the end of it all, is a lot different. He also does not ejaculate or climax, even though he is very aroused. He only can make himself climax from masturbation. He seems to get the erection, then it goes away and comes back. I did not think much of this because I don't judge people on stuff like that, but when you put everything all together, all of the strange things, then it does sound like something. He also does the are you a bad girl talking asking if I want to be spanked routine. Well, I am willing to try things but I don't like the reference to little girls...it is creepy. I think from sitting alone at night and watching porn, it is almost as if it took all the personalization and closeness out of the sex or something. I just think it is weird that he is married and does that instead of going home and doing the sex. Knowing her and what she looks like, I mean I do understand his point, but it is still strange to me. He is a nice and gentle and passionate kisser, and nice to snuggle with. I feel somewhat bad if he is really a narc and this disturbed. Oh well....I try not to dwell on him so much now and just think of him in pity. We may end up as friends, but I am not too sure about that either. Just glad that I have decided the romantic thing is done and over. I have to stick to it!

#21 Nov 26 - 10AM

betty2020

My xN was into S&M. He

My xN was into S&M. He liked young girls. Teens for the most part. He paid for young teen prostitutes and he liked for them to be submissive to him. This was all caught in the end however. I had no knowledge that he was engaging in these activities while I was in the relationship. I knew he was keeping secretes and this lead me to investigate him further. I went to great lengths to do this and in the end I was shocked and devastated beyond all belief. He had a very serious sex addiction and porn was a part of the daily routine as well as prostitutes. I found hotel charges on his credit card bank statement, left him and then he came clean about what he was doing b/c he wanted me back. He wanted my forgiveness. So guess what? I went back for round two. With in a month he was back to his normal behavior, seeing prostitutes. This behavior never stops. It only gets worse as they continue to seek out more and more ways of reaching the ultimate sexual high. Recommendation: Whether you know for certain that they have engaged in sexual acts with others while you were active with them or Not. Go to your Docs and get tested for any and all STDs. I go every 6 months now to get a test for HIV. I have been tested for all others and came up clean. But even if you have no symptoms it does not mean you are clean. Take the time and get tested. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#22 Nov 26 - 12PM (Reply to #16)

solost

Amen

"I knew he was keeping secretes and this lead me to investigate him further. I went to great lengths to do this and in the end I was shocked and devastated beyond all belief." Amen sister. I know EXACTLY how this feels. ((hugs))

#23 Nov 26 - 11AM (Reply to #13)

sunflowergrl70

How did you find everything out?

How did you find out the secrets?

#24 Nov 27 - 11AM (Reply to #15)

betty2020

Thats a secret. lol. Lets

Thats a secret. lol. Lets just say the CIA would have hired me on the spot if they saw how i went about it.... Its not worth investigating once you know your involved with a PDI. Just know that they are living cesspools and anything, no matter how deviant or disguising it may be, IS possible with them. This is the one and only time in life that i can undoubtedly say; always assume the worse before considering the best. If something is not sitting right in your gut, its because its not. It will always tell you the truth. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#25 Nov 26 - 12PM (Reply to #14)

StillHurting

Secrets revealed recently

He told me a few months back, and said this is what he has been doing sometimes at night when I wasn't hearing from him. Totally out of left field and unexpected.

#26 Nov 26 - 10AM (Reply to #12)

StillHurting

Thanks, Betty, and I am done with the romantic aspect

Now that I know he is a narc and all the other strange stuff he is doing with the dressing, I am not going to be intimate with him ever again. I am not going to say it to him outright, but I am just not going to do it anymore. I already told him if there is no love between us then I don't want to do it anyway. He is not pushy about it, and I don't think he cares either way, as it seems he goes very long periods of time without sex with his wife, and we haven't in a long time. I am not a prude, and I except all lifestyles that people choose, as long as nobody is being hurt. I am not against cross dressers or homosexuals or bi-sexuals. I know people who live alternative lifestyles, and I love some of them as friends. It all changes, however, when it is your man doing this stuff. I have no interest in being with him if he is dressing like this on a weekly basis. I feel badly if he is having issues with this stuff, I really do, but it totally changed the way I see him. I do not want to see him progress into this further, if that happens. I can't watch the changes, even though he says he has no desire to dress full time as a woman or become one. There are men who do this to just escape from reality for a short time and relieve stress, and I know that; it could be all there is to this, but I don't want to find out if it is not just this. I often wonder if he's told his wife about what he is doing. I do not love him any less, but I want nothing further as far as a love interest with him. It has sunk in we will not be together in the future, if he indeed does leave his wife when his child is a few years older. Sometimes I think he told me about this dressing up and performing there for a purpose. After he told me, he sort of yelled and said, "Okay, you want to love me? This is who I am!" It's all been such a shock. I have to let it go, and just say what a waste of a decade. I am beautiful, intelligent and very loving, and I got totally hurt here. Luckily, other things in my life are on an upswing, so I don't want this holding me back.

#27 Nov 26 - 10AM

sunflowergrl70

Just the opposite

He liked it and we could do it two or three times a day. It was the best part of the relationship. I found him to be rather clumsy and passive. He liked me on top and for me to perform oral before. He would be very tense because if he didn't concentrate he would end too quickly. It was fine with me because I knew best how to take care of both of us. I just found it strange that he would allow it since he likes to be dominant and in control in every other area. Maybe he liked the idea that he didn't have to do anything. Who knows. I didn't care because I was getting what I needed out of it.

#28 Nov 26 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

blueeyes

sunflowergrl70, lol

My N was the same way. if I wanted something sexual domination over him, I had to tell him in a way to make him feel awesome to get it. He needed the praise that I wanted him before he would engage. Yes, strange when they dominate the other aspects of our life?

#29 Nov 25 - 9PM

solost

Yes

I found out via the keylogger I put on his computer that he was looking at transvestite porn and engaging in cybersex with transvestites. I believe he's a latent homosexual, though no one would ever know it unless they saw what I saw. And no one believes it cuz he's such a man's man. He also is homophobic, always professing to hate gays and making fun of them. He also hooked up alot on adult websites with other people, mostly married couples. Now I wonder if it wasn't just to get close sexually to the husband without looking gay?

#30 Nov 26 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

neverlookback

YES YES YES SMART GIRL

Now I wonder if it wasn't just to get close sexually to the husband without looking gay? Strange you should say that because my counselor told the exact thing, he was almost 100% sure mine liked couple sex to be with another MAN, he was always telling me make sure you get a man that does both ways, ya right your not fooling anybody. I NEVER gave him what he wanted that is why he pretty much dumped me to the curb, oh the sick bastard still leaves a message now and then in hopes he can get me under his sick spell again, when you finally wake up you almost want to puke. Speaking of strange and gay, one time he told me he was at the mall with another man, WTF?????? Since when do men go shopping together? This is the same man who called him to say goodbye when he was going on vacation, what man does that? Its usually, have a good time talk to ya when you get back. There were just too many signs of his sexuality that were not right, and he tried to hide them from me but you can NEVER hide those things from a woman, WE KNOW, sooner or later it will show.

#31 Nov 25 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

StillHurting

I am thinking the same thing....

When he was reading me the titles of his movies I was wondering why he was was watching tran stuff. So what was he doing? Watching these videos and then deciding he would look good like this? It was so out of left field that I was floored by it. I told him I didn't want to hear about it, and I don't think it's something he should mess with, but he has other people going to see these shows, etc., and I am the "only one who reacted negatively." So I said these are all casual people you know. They are just walking away thinking you are odd or eccentric. They don't care if you have gender issues, etc. This has all turned into a big mess. Not only do I have to deal with the fact he will never leave his wife, then I got hit with this! Double whammy for me. It might be the last time I ever feel badly for anyone....EVER!

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