Anybody else just break down and start crying out of the blue?

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#1 Nov 8 - 7PM

Monica

Anybody else just break down and start crying out of the blue?

I'll be having a pretty good day. Happy, feeling normal again, not thinking about xN very much and, if I do think about him, it's because I am glad to be rid of the pathological lying, arrogant, egotistical, psychopathic SOB. But then it hits me. Totally out of the blue. Like a tidal wave. I'll break down. Start crying hysterically. And I am not entirely sure why it comes on me. Shame? Hurt? Humiliation? Knowing that I am forever changed, forever tainted, forever damaged? Knowing that I was used to callously and allowed that to happen?

And I'm never sure how to react to the sudden onslaught of tears. Is it better to let them come and just ride it out? Should I take a Xanax? Try to busy myself with something else?

It always seems to catch me by surprise. Does this ever stop?

#2 Nov 9 - 7AM

lady_in_dubai

A tidal wave of tears!

Dear Monica, Yes it does get better. For the first month and a half, it was really weird, from about 7 to 9, basically when the sun went down, I would cry and cry and cry. And had a sick tummy, often dry retching like others report too. It was really gross. I was so glad when it stopped. I just let the tears out and let myself go through the emotion. Actually, sometimes I would have to get on my knees and pray. It's horrible isn't it. I would normally drink, go out and maybe flirt with some inappropriate male but that is just masking the pain and making it worse. But this time I decided to work through the pain and it has been worth it. Been getting counselling and looking after my health with massages and acupuncture, that seems to have calmed me down too. I have done everything in my power to heal. During one crying session I decided to write my life story for the future. As if I was looking back on my life. I wrote about the day when the tears stopped coming and the strength started to seep in. I wrote about how I got stronger and stronger and how I started to feel happiness again. I wrote about how I met new friends who were good for me and lots of other things that I wish will come true. Now these things are coming into my life slowly but surely. So thats how I coped with it. Will never forget the anguish. Cried a lake of tears! Sometimes I get a bit emotional about things not related, still a bit tender. But I'm pretty sure I have spent all my tears for that evil person. I hope you feel better soon Monica!The tears will stop one day! You are not alone!

#3 Nov 8 - 8PM

finallydone

Yes

It actually happens to me all the time. I thought I had a handle, but lately it's getting worse.

#4 Nov 8 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

tina

I'm sorry

I hate that they have done this to us. It is truly amazing how deep the pain is and how long it takes to feel better. Good days bad days and as good as I have been feeling, I am preparing myself for darker days ahead because I know they are right around the bend. Holidays are so hard for me, mainly because unlike some, I have wonderful memories of times we spent together. Now, he is with someone else sharing all the joy of the season and it still hurts. Yes, I know I'm better off w/o him but Xmas songs etc are constant reminders. As a musician, he would be so busy this time of the year and we were always on the go. I miss the fun and excitement of it all. BUT I will stay focused on happier things and WE will all get through this together.

#5 Nov 8 - 7PM

Antonia

You Read My Mind

Monica, we must be linked in some way :-) I thought this exact same thing yesterday, Sunday morning, lying in bed, thoughts whirling of the 'why's, what did I do - how have I deserved this, how lonely I felt' etc etc... Got up, read some posts on this website, feeling so empty and damaged, and bam, on come the tears, from deep inside my gut. Then, shower, get up, go out, went shopping, starting to feel better, then bam, the empty feeling again, like I had no breath... sat down had a coffee... Later out with friends, feeling really quite good, get home and all is well, for a time, then off to bed to read. It is so up and down for me also, sometimes I think I am just about healed (9 months broken up - 2 months NC), then it hits, sad, can't breath, feeling hollow inside... I agree it is getting better, however slowly, you aren't alone, I know I feel it, I am sure many other survivors do also... Mostly I am ok, I try to keep as busy as I can, withouot being manic about it, I need some quiet time, and sometimes I force myself to do that, as I feel for me that is important to achieve contentedness being by myself, as I could cope with my alone quiet time extremely well before the N bastard swooped into my life - especially when my children are with their dad. I'm not there yet tho I plan to be hopefully sometime soon. Hugs to you. :-)

#6 Nov 8 - 7PM

cynthia (not verified)

see there

I see what Barbara just posted, see I was right part of ptsd, Barbara knows she has never steered me wrong so far she knows what it takes to recover, yes counseling that is half of it, must get good counseling. I see mine about twice a month now much better than twice a week like it was

#7 Nov 8 - 7PM

cynthia (not verified)

It always seems to catch me by surprise

Barbara can correct me if I am wrong but this is part of ptsd, I still have it too at times, not as much and its not a few tears, its awful hysterical crying where I cant catch my breath, its like an intense crying attack when I had this happen at home I would go into the bathroom turn on the tub water so my kids wouldnt hear me and cry into a bathtowel, it would last about 10 minutes until I got myself calmed down with slow calm breathing. In the beginning when I discovered I had been conned I would throw up I cried so hard, start to gag and have dry heaves. I would say things like, how could he have done this to me, I never did anything to deserve this, what kind of person could do this to someone that never caused them harm, why did this happen to me, why is god punishing me, I cant take the pain, please make the pain stop, it was the worst anguish I have ever felt in my heart, It was like I was slowly dying. But the good news YES IT DOES SUBSIDE and get better, when these attacks happen you cant really stop it you have to let it out its your mind and bodies way of reacting to trauma. YES YES YES you should be on a low dose of xanax because as my counselor said its not healthy to get yourself all worked up like that to be in such awful pain and not be able to control it. My doctor didnt want me to be doped up like a zombie he still wanted me to go through the natural process of the healing but just something mild to assist in keeping you a bit calmer. I am on a low dose as I dont want to become addicted to any type of medication, you might want to also consider a mild antidepressant too which helps with anxiety while you are recovering, then the need for xanax wont be as much only once and awhile when you have really bad days. Monica how far are you into your recovery? Just wondering at what point was your awareness of what he was? It takes a long time to process and a long time to return to feeling half way normal again. It took me over a year to process what he was now working on the second year recovering from it, its all a process but you will reach a point where it tapers off a bit. I dont cry very much anymore but I still feel alot of emptiness inside which I am trying to work thru. The more I got into my recovery the more I recognized all the damage he did to me, sexual, emotional, mental, and each area of damage slowly gets better as we slowly regain what we once were before them. Hang in there everything you are going through is normal

#8 Nov 9 - 5AM (Reply to #6)

Monica

Thank you, everyone, and to Cynthia and Barbara....

I am only a few months into my recovery right now, even though I had been trying to break it off for almost a year now. Our circumstances changed so that it is now much easier to remain NC and I know I am on the other side of this now, for good. I am the one who didn't want it anymore because of how I was treated by him which only adds to the bafflement of why I have these hysterical crying jags. I should be happy to be rid of him and be having tears of joy! I had known about his disorder for a very, very long time, quite early into our relationship, and should have left when I realized what he was. His friends excuse his behavior by saying "that's just how he is" so that had been making it even more difficult, although a couple of them started to get sick of him and cut him off and one more seems to be starting to "get it" and I had nothing to do with them starting to see the light. So, I am very new into my recovery even though the intention and desire to end it had been there a very, very long time. He is a cerebral and, believe me, they are just as disordered and non-human as the somatics are!

#9 Nov 9 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

cynthia (not verified)

Same with me

I had known about his disorder for a very, very long time, quite early into our relationship, I think I knew about 8 months into it, that is when I started going to counseling and was told "He is a sexual Predator and very very dangerous, CUT IT OFF NOW AND FAST. But no I continued for another year, I was sooooo adicted to this man I lived for the time to see him again, dreamed about it. So was this MY fault? In a way it was because I wasnt strong enough to overcome all the brainwashing and sexual hormones he released in my brain to keep coming back for more abuse. I remember the horrible withdraw I endured not seeing this man for a year, it was like nothing I ever experienced, Barbara knows hers was just as sick sexually as mine was, I never became a sex addict but I craved for sex with just HIM, I was addicted to him just like a drug and a fix, thank God he showed me ED because that cured it right there. It made me think, hey wait a minute this man is just a man afterall, he isnt some super sex machine, not only is he a fraud in his personality he is a fraud in bed too, everything about him is fake, shallow, and empty. Sometimes I wonder was I just with him for sex? Because that is not what I was after but he turned it into that in the end, then when he started having all these sexual dysfunction problems it was then I slowly started to lose my appeal for him, all his sex performance problems were because of his deformity, he is a non functional person in every aspect of his life. One of the best times I ever had with him was when we were taking a ride one day and we were riding through some wooded area it was beautiful and right in front of us was a mother deer and her speckled fawn, no bigger than 2 feet tall and probably a few weeks old, they both stood there for the longest time, they were absolutely precious, I just stared in amazement, I will never forget sharing that with him, that moment was better than any of the cheap, filthy loving pretend sex he ever gave me. I will always remember that little fawn and I will always remember those are the kind of moments I want to share with a partner, thats just a small example but as I look back I never shared anything that had any meaning with him, I studied to be a concert pianist for 20 some years, that is a god given talent I was born with and he never even heard me play one single concerto, he never said, hey I would love to hear you play lets go to a place that has a piano so you can play for me, he never cared who I was or what I was, my talents, awards, achievements, how can you possibly have a rich and rewarding relationship with a partner who doesnt even really want to know you, not everyone can play the piano like I can and we very well know ANYONE can F--k thats no great accomplishment, and he cant even do that half the time ha ha. For some reason we dont leave them crying tears of job and WE SHOULD, I think someday we will, our tears are great sadness because of the horrible betrayal we endured, I dont cry over HIM, I cry because I was so violated. We knew so early what they were too yet we didnt want to believe it we thought we were more special to them this time, nobody is special to them but I AM SURE AS HELL SPECIAL and SO ARE YOU and we will take that with us when we leave and they will never be anything special.

#10 Nov 8 - 7PM

Barbara (not verified)

Monica

make SURE you discuss this with your therapist it is a PTSD symptom. A CLASSIC PTSD symptom. Has it been 18 months for you yet? If not, this is typical. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help

#11 Nov 8 - 7PM (Reply to #2)

4joys4

I did this around the 4-6

I did this around the 4-6 month mark but it did stop.

#12 Nov 9 - 3AM (Reply to #3)

Ellen

crying

Hi, I start crying with no warning sometimes, everything feels too much for me and it feels like it is piling up too, i don't keep on top of things like i used to. I know i probably have PTSD symptoms and i struggle to make sense of how i have been duped after believing i was the most special person ever to him. It's good to hear that you have these things happen too. No one understands the depth do they. I wonder when i will feel 'right' again if ever. I don't want to be permanently scarred from this.

#13 Nov 9 - 7AM (Reply to #4)

James (not verified)

Tears of pain, tears of freedom...

I too remember being bathe in my tears and also thinking and praying that God would baptize me with these tears to free me from my oppressor... These thoughts and prays help me get though the pain and hurt.... I believe mine lasted for about the first 3-6 months... But they do dry... In time... :)

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