Any unexpected byproducts of NC?

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#1 Jan 1 - 8PM

Deidre99

Any unexpected byproducts of NC?

I wanted to first thank you all for teaching me about NC. LOL One would think this would be obvious...you're being treated poorly, you should stop contacting or responding to that person. But, it wasn't that obvious to me. :=( Not until coming here. Learning about this disorder...did I realize I could exercise such an option. And while it's not an easy thing to do at the beginning, if you stick with it ...it can be so very rewarding.

Today, I was thinking of some byproducts of NC. For me? I realized that NC hasn't only stopped the dysfunction and chaos and pain that I was going through by having daily contact with the narc. But, it has caused me to not seek his approval anymore. It has caused me to pause, reflect on that, and wish to change this about myself for this new year. By going NC, I turned off the spicket so to speak. I have always struggled most of my life, with needing male approval. Largely stemming from a messed up childhood. I didn't think I still struggled, but here I was...still seeking approval from yet...ANOTHER narc. Who when they sense you are seeking it, only make the games worse for you.

So, I'm happy to say...that not only has the mistreatment been shut off, due to NC...But, I took away the obstacle to my healing from needing male approval. In a way, I'm happy for the experience I had with this narc, as it showed me that I still had a problem. Sometimes, our problems are revealed through bad circumstances, like this one. I'm grateful things ended, so that I didn't go too far with this guy, only to end up hurt and dejected.

Just wanted to share with you all. Thanks for being so supportive to me these past few weeks. I am in awe of you all...and this site. I thought I'd open this thread to hear if you have experienced or are experiencing any byproducts of going NC?

#2 Jan 3 - 5PM

Susan32

When others help in the NC

About a decade ago (I don't know if it was before or after Bush v. Gore, it was THAT long ago), I called one of the ex-Psych professor's colleagues, asking her how he was doing. Instead, she angrily snapped at me, saying I should call him and ask him myself. Now... NOW... I know why she was so angry. She had seen how he had treated me. The final D&D was so ugly and public. She had to work with him (and still does) She saw him reduce me to tears in public. Her anger was more like that of an angry mama bear protecting her cub from danger, when you think about it. I ended up not calling him after all. She helped me maintain NC... because it hadn't been that long after the D&D, and I wanted closure. She didn't want me to hurt myself; that was the frustration in her voice. If she thinks I'm angry on account of that... I'm not... I'm sending good vibes her way...

#3 Jan 3 - 5PM (Reply to #18)

Deidre99

susan

wow...that is great that she did that for you, when you think about it.

#4 Jan 3 - 5PM (Reply to #19)

Susan32

I wonder what happened...

Time&distance has given me perspective. At the time , I wondered how in the world I had angered her. But I think it was frustration. What's funny is that if she told the ex-P that I was going to call.... and I NEVER did. The thought of him putting stock in a false hope is somewhat uplifting (read Sam Vaknin's "Abusing the gullible Narc"-unintentionally I've followed that article to the letter) Haven't talked to him on the phone in 11 years. Wow.

#5 Jan 3 - 5PM (Reply to #20)

Deidre99

susan

I love how freely you can speak about this now, with such calmness, susan. I have a feeling she didn't like you asking about him. Like maybe she thought being what you went through...you should have no interest in him, and was annoyed/frustrated with you. Yeah, that makes sense. I was with a horrible narc...several years ago, before the recent one. The irony is...they were both narcs...but different. The recent one was a show off...bragger...loved the limelight...arrogant, etc. The first narc was very quiet...kept to himself, no friends, hated his picture taken, etc...isn't that weird, both men were narcs...yet very different on some levels? Narc number one took me a few YEARS to get over. Like I got over him...didn't love him, that didn't take long. But, what took a long time is getting over the abuse I went through. I was with him for a few years, and it was so damaging. I now can talk about him calmly. I am angry with myself that I let another narc into my life. The beginning signs were identical...very quick to move the relationship along to a serious level.

#6 Jan 3 - 4PM

katiebird

He would try to contact me

He would try to contact me by email and by phone, saying "we were friends and more...." Yeah, we were "friends" on his terms and I was his verbal punching bag. When I would not respond, he became verbally abusive. What has NC done for me? Freed me from the bullshit. And to think it only took switching jobs, blocking every email address he made up, getting a different car, and now moving soon to another state. Whatever it takes!

#7 Jan 3 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

Deidre99

katie...lol

hahaha....that's funny! we have to find some humor in all this...or we'll go insane. :=) glad you are finally NC.

#8 Jan 3 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

katiebird

The best part of NC is

The best part of ***NC*** is I no longer care. He is history. I have moved on!

#9 Jan 3 - 5PM (Reply to #11)

Deidre99

Katie

yay!!! I'm sorry katie...how long has it been since you went NC?

#10 Jan 3 - 5PM (Reply to #16)

katiebird

One year and three months. I

One year and three months. I was fed up with the hoovering and the subsequent verbal abuse. I went NC and never looked back. He has tried numerous times to contact me and all I would do was block the email address. His last attempt was October 2010.

#11 Jan 3 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

katiebird

One year and three months. I

One year and three months. I was fed up with the hoovering and the subsequent verbal abuse. I went NC and never looked back.

#12 Jan 3 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

katiebird

One year and three months.

#13 Jan 3 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

Deidre99

katie

woohoooooo!!! that's great. :=)

#14 Jan 3 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

katiebird

Don't know why my reply

Don't know why my reply posted so many times, but thank you. NC IS the best way to heal yourself.

#15 Jan 2 - 8AM

Ava

Hiya Deidre99, I'm so glad to hear that NC has helped you turn

off that spicket! I know exactly what you mean & I think you are so right that often our problems are revealed through bad experiences. I'm so happy to read how good NC has been for you! :) I think the biggest unexpected byproduct for me was relief. When I first started going NC [well, at least trying to go NC!] I felt such absolute panic. I'd lived with my narc for 5 years & by the end the relationship had become so dysfunctional that he'd become almost my whole world [a lot more than I'd realised] and I absolutely panicked at the thought of NC - even though, as you say, it should just be obvious & the most natural thing to do. And I missed him, as abusive as he was, I missed him terribly. So the thought of NC was extremely painful & created a huge amount of panic for me. So when I started actually feeling relieved that we were no longer in contact, when I stopped being afraid every time the phone rang in case it was him.... or wasn't him [because even though I didn't want to be in contact with him, I didn't NOT want to be in contact with him....does that make sense?], and when I started realising just how anxious I had been every single day around him, how much he'd controlled me [in very insidious ways] & how much weight was actually lifted off my shoulders when I finally went NC - the relief that I felt was very unexpected for me. And like you've described, I think going NC was finally taking away the biggest obstacle to healing - from the relationship with the narc & also realising that there was a whole pile of other things that I needed to heal; the scars that had made me such an easy target for the narc in the first place. Best thing ever, NC! I'm so happy to hear how it has worked for you! :) Big hugs, Ava xxxox

Ava

#16 Jan 2 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

onwithmylife

AVA

Your words express so well my feelings after the EXN left me to move to another state, I felt a HUGE void and emptyness I cannot describe and when I tried to call me a few months later, thinking he had the same number, he had changed it without telling me, I got my first panic attack ever and felt so ALONE in the world. even though i have broken Nc through sending several letters, his ugliness and rage towards me have helped me realize he will never change and die a lonely, bitter, angry man railing against the world who did him wrong, of course he is totally the victim and innocent of everything.....he already has throat and stomach cancer and had the nerve to tell his son I was harassing him, he should be so lucky to think someone actually cared for him, poor bastard

#17 Jan 3 - 8AM (Reply to #7)

Ava

onwithmylife - oh my! Snap!! My exN moved to another state,

got a new phone number & effectively just disappeared - after 5 years of us living together & him crapping on all the time that we were soul mates, I was his best friend in the world, he couldn't live without me blah blah. And I'd fallen for all of it & he actually HAD become MY best friend. And oh my yes, I too felt so ALONE, so utterly alone & empty. I too broke NC several times & in a way his reaction to me each time helped me realise what sort of person he truly is & made me want less & less to do with him. Wow, I can relate so much to your comments! :) Ah onwithmylife, I CANNOT believe your exn told his son you were harassing him - as you say, sounds like big fat wishful thinking on his behalf. Sounds like he's starting to realise just how alone HE actually is & so he has to make up stories to convince others & himself probably that he is so lucky to have someone care.... Wishful thinking. Ava xxooo

Ava

#18 Jan 2 - 12PM (Reply to #4)

Deidre99

ava

Ava...bless you for saying this. Relief. YES! I am relieved. I remember too...panicking when I'd open my email. What horrible thing was he going to lash out at me today, I'd think. Or if it was a nice email...I'd be thankful. Then, the panick would begin again. I remember saying to myself...''I need to get off this train.'' But...relief. What a great way to describe what one feels into going NC. I no longer worry about opening up my email. Or if my cell rings, I don't look in panick to see if it's him. It's a good thing!!! *hugs* for a healthy new year.

#19 Jan 3 - 8AM (Reply to #5)

Ava

Hiya Deidre99 - it really IS relief isn't it? And it does feel

wonderful to feel it!! And for me, as more & more time went by post the D&D I started realising just how many things I was actually relieved about. A big thing for me was hearing his key turn in the door. For weeks & weeks after we "broke up" I'd be sat at home thinking I heard his keys in the front door or I'd be waiting to hear it every day at the time he'd normally come home from work. And it'd break my heart each time I'd realise I was waiting for that sound & then realise that I'd probably never hear it again. I thought I'd never get over it. Then months later I was sitting at my kitchen table one day & it suddenly just hit me how lovely it really was to not be hearing his keys in the door. When we were together, most days I'd look forward to him coming home but there were so many times when he would arrive from work in a bad mood & I'd suffer for it. And that day at the kitchen table I eventually realised that underneath all that looking forward to hearing his keys I had also been cringing every time I heard it. And I didn't realise that until months after he'd disappeared from my life! I went from missing that sound to thinking "Oh my, this house, my house, my space, is really mine again!" [He was very clingy & controlling in a desperate, fear of abandonment way]. Sorry, I've gone on a rant! I'm just so happy to hear how well you are doing! Yay for RELIEF!! :) Ava xxxxxooo

Ava

#20 Jan 1 - 9PM

aceonelady

deidre99...NC

Hi,me i did not have low self esteem or need of approval ,i just felt sorry for my ex N and he being highly intelligent and a hard worker i felt he was at that moment a victim of social injustice...and his bad childhood story (true) just made me drawn to him...I agree NC is great BUT for me is a bit different,because i did not started,he did...he cut me off completely,we live in different Continents,me Europe he North america...Then he started sending me emails like Not that i want conversations with you again,but i really care about how you are doing...Eventually i will send you an email,but no promisses...then i started calling him again and things just got nastier...i heard things i wish i never heard...only later i found this place...i wish it was sooner...Anyway,he went NC on me again,now for a year...i wish i had started it,strange i didn't because i was the one who did leave his home,after he D&D me and after had asked me to stay a month longer...For the New ladies in here...please stick to NC if you break it,only will give you more confusion and obssessive thoughts...i wish i had started and kept it...I am a mess,even after 2 years therapy,working out at the gym,etc....HUGHS...

Aceonelady

#21 Jan 1 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

Deidre99

aceonelady

oh, I'm so sorry this happened to you. The things he said to you...''no promises,'' and ''not that I want conversations with you..'' It just sounds so familiar to my current narc. For the past two months he started saying...''you know, I love you and all, but soon, we need to part.'' or...''I love you, but I could take or leave this friendship, to be honest.'' HUH? LOL The whole ''I love you'' thing threw me. I never once said it back. I didn't feel love for him. Not by this point. He didn't start saying I love you, until we had been broken up for a few months. I think it was another way to keep me locked in. I finally had enough, said goodbye, and went NC. And I did ''ignore'' him in the past. And he would come back, apologizing...or not. Sometimes, acting like nothing was ever wrong between us, and I'd resume speaking to him. But, no more. It's done. Before coming to this site though, I didn't understand the strong power behind NC. The strong benefit of it. I'm so grateful to have found this site.

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